Quote:
Originally Posted by caligirl{Rob}
You have my thoughts elsewhere.
I will await your return here as well. :rose:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caligirl{Rob}
You have my thoughts elsewhere.
I will await your return here as well. :rose:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheVariableX
I'm with you X! I was trying to understand the dynamics of all of it, but whew! This was almost (almost) as intense as some of the threads on politics and religion.
Perhaps, I should stick to lighter topics, or fun and games.
Dont you worry about it honey........ask away.. that is the intent of the forum. It is a very good topic.......Its just some times you may hit a raw nerve.....hugsQuote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
I agree with Cali about glass houses........hugs Cali.....and hands her an ice pack.
I was going to post in response to several and defend my choice(s). But, have decided against it.
Basically, unless you are me and have lived the EXACT life, with the same people, circumstances, etc. then your words and response to this topic are nothing more then that. Yours. You may have handled the situations differently, but that is something that can never be completely proven... since you are NOT me.
We are all entitled too our opinions, just as I am entitled to make the choices I feel are best for me and mine. We can either agree to disagree on those views and move on or not. But I will no longer defend myself to anyone for being who I am and making the decisions I felt necessary in my situation. No one has to agree with me... but it isn't fair to judge or insult me in the process.
Alright everyone..........i think we may be scaring off a newby here.........
She is asking about HOW you can and Do accomplish a on-line D/s relationship and still be married......
What she needs and is asking for, is the support of everyone in discovering herself....the how's and how-to of having a marriage and an on line Dom......
Do not assume that she is being dishonest and that her husband does not know what is happing...........she is honestly looking for opinions........
ON HOW TO BE A SUBMISSIVE TRAPPED IN A VANILLA WORLD.........LETS TRY AND GET IT BACK ON TRACT FOR HER SHALL WE???
thrall
She asked how you can have a D/s relationship outside of a marriage and still have honesty, and she also asked when is it okay to go outside the marriage to start a D/s relationship. Everyone is giving their honest opinion on what is oftentimes a volatile subject. I won't say it's okay if I don't think it is, but it's not my decision to make for anyone but ME. We are all responsible for the decisions we make and must ultimately bear the consequences of those decisions. Sometimes our decisions affect other people directly or indirectly, either positively or negatively. That being said, if you're going to air your dirty laundry on a public forum, don't be surprised if not everyone approves of your skidmarked underwear. Eww...that was kinda gross....*ggls* Anyway, it's like having kinks...what works for some doesn't work for others.
Flaming....i love you honey........but that kind of statement isn't going to make her very comfy in asking for information or posting a new thread now is it??Quote:
Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead
I understand that everyone is giving there honest opinion......and bravo for that.....
What im saying is that she is uncomfortable in the hostile turn of events........this was not the direction she wanted this thread to go.......
yes........she asked a two part question, so it hard to separate the two.
What she wants is the knowledge...........OF HOW TO EXPLORE HER NEW FOUND SUBMISSIVENESS........IN AN ON LINE WORLD.
And she is being very honest about what she is doing...........
OK, so i will start........
Yes you can have an on line relationship and explore you needs...........just be honest about everything you do with your husband. Let him know what you are doing and who you are talking to.
hugs..........
Thrall,Quote:
Originally Posted by thrall
What she asked was...And both of those questions have been answered by the people who posted in this thread. Just as you answered it... but each answer is still each persons own opinions. Bottom line, we are sharing out experiences, which is what she asked for from my understanding of the above question. The nature of the topic will at times create a heated atmosphere but ultimately she has to decide what works best for her. No one can decide that for her. And there is no cookie cutter answer to her questions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
She seems to be holding her own so far... I would guess that if she wanted platitudes she wouldn't be here.
A lively thread will not only deal with the questions originally posed, but will follow up incidental matters too. I don't think anyone has posted anything scary on this topic (except me perhaps - lol) and it will get back to the original question if anyone has any more to add. Then it will fade away or it will fly off at a complete tangent and deal with something else.
I love Isabelle's questions. She has a knack of exposing areas of D/s that people should have clear ideas about, but who too often have muddled opinions. And I'm one of the most muddled, I think.
TYWD
Thrall was only trying to keep the thread on track as to my original questions. Thank you!
I was not passing judgement on anyone, but only wanted to know how people felt about it. Opinions can be strong and come from places deep within our souls. I want honest answers, but no pointing fingers, throwing food or rocks! Not that any were, but it felt a bit tense and a little depressing, like X said earlier.
Red, I will look at your skid marks, but I refuse to wash them!!! LOL
TYWD, so glad you enjoy my questions!!! You know I've got plenty!
hugs honey..........any time
This IS a very interesting topic. There are loads of threads on these boards where various means of controlling a slave or sub are criticised because they apparently show there is no trust in the d/s relationship.
These comments often make me think 'God, I am just terrible, because I CAN'T honestly say I would never ever masturbate without permission without a chastity belt on, or would always always do my tasks without threat of punishment' etc etc. So...it's nice to remember that many of us on here indulge in the bdsm world secretly behind our partners' back.
And no, that's not a dig at anyone, because I've been there myself.
I was only giving my honest opinion I have experance in being in a failing relatioinship hell 2 of them but D/S saved my second one. I do understand not being happy But why not solve that problem before adding to it? I have seen the results of cheating on people and their families we all have and I have seen the results of people staying together and being uphappy and its affect on all involved. Life is full of choices we make them everyday some are harder than others.
Ok now to her questions of how to have a seperate relationship outside of a marrage? well it would take a very open minded husband. It will take honesty.
How to know if you can trust anyone? That is a hard one its often the people you trust the most that end up hurting you the most. I will say this and its something I have learned from personal experiance people who tell the truth well most of the time think everyone else is like them and they tell the truth most of the time.....people who lie most of the time assume that others lie most of the time its human nature to put your beliefs on others.
last thing about judging people we all do it if we admit it or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by delia
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
I took quite awhile and read all of the posts in this thread.. Besides feeling the strain in my eyes.. I'm feeling envious- ( of Oz and Captain and sipgirl..) and I'm feeling empathy for those who are submissive in a vanilla marriage that just isn't working......Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
Everyone here has had so much to say.... and everyone is entitled to their opinion... so here's mine.
For the first question... only you can decide what you believe.
The second question- No one can tell you when it's "okay" to do anything. YOU are the one who has to decide that.
Life would be soooo much easier if we could get concrete, black and white answers to questions like that wouldn't it?
As for all of the references to "cheating" and the breaking of marriage vows.. Why is it that everyone always reacts so strongly to that- when reality is the first vows usually broken are "love and cherish". If those vows weren't broken, maybe the remain faithful vow wouldn't be either.....
prepared for rotten vegetables and stones....
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Originally Posted by Captain
Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterStone
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNurse
NurseNight you have great point with the love and cherish. Perhaps one or both people in a marriage are not feeling loved or being cherished. Isn't that ultimately what D/s relationships are all about?
Captain talked about how he and his wife worked together to change things. MasterStone commented about the "I" factor. Do you think that if couples worked on the love and cherish part as a "we" they could overcome and meet in the middle? Of course that would be wonderful!
I've heard people complain about their vanilla spouses, but are they doing anything to help the situation? Captain spoke about communication, MasterStone spoke of selfishness, two things that need be addressed in any marriage, in my opinion.
Tessa had a thread called "My Journey" that spoke to the challenges of bringing a spouse into this lifestyle. She seems to be doing it, albeit slowly (based on her posts). I've read enough threads and posts to get an idea of what goes on "behind spouses backs." The question of whether it's appropriate or not is so compelling to me.
MasterStone, you're right. We do judge. Maybe it's human nature, but I don't think it's always necessary to point fingers and openly criticize others. You stated your opinion and that's what I asked! Thank you!
The Bible, I believe, speaks about getting your own house in order first. We (society in general) tend to want to put the focus on others so that our own flaws aren't so apparent. Whether or not you are of any faith in particular, or none at all, the basic principal remains.
Here's the deal: I ask questions whether or not I have a desire to pursue anything. One cannot learn without asking questions. A dear friend told me recently that I would put most cats to shame with my curiosity. I wasn't offended! :)
HUGS
Ask away honey.........*wink*.......ask, ask, ask......
I can only tell you this. I have known Cali since I joined the Library and I have met MR in person. They are truly in love and I believe that when the time is right they will be together and be very happy. I hope it can be soon. They were blessed to find one another.
I just had an ugly wake up call and may not have all the time in the world to finally be with Dragon, as we had once thought. (We have no other relationships in our way, but we have elderly parents and job responsibilities that keep us apart). And even though he is ill, I still can't leave to be with him, as much as I would like to. Mean old Master insists on being "practical". Pfffft! However, I would strongly encourage anyone that has had a long term, real life relationship with their Dominant or submissive, and are totally confident that this is what they need to be happy, to do whatever they can to make that relationship exclusive.
Just my 2 copper tarns worth..... "peace" ~blizz~
What a great thread. Excellent questions and wonderful responses.
This one is tricky. How can anyone know that anyone else is being honest? Can we ever. It's about trusting that other person and keeping your eyes open at the same time.Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
I trust my Nat to be honest with me and I am honest with him. It works for us.
For me, it was "okay" when my T, my husband and partner of 20+ years, approved of my online role-playing writing partners. When the writing progressed into something else, he was there every step of the way. Reading what was written and deciding with me, if I could, would or should continue. When my Nat, wrote and asked about becoming my submissive, T and I took quite some time to review and approve his request.Quote:
When is it "okay" to have a relationship outside of marriage?
For more background about Nat and me: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3419
By the way, the relationship is still going strong. All with my T's approval.
I often feel guilty at having a fantastic marriage. It wasn't always so, but T and I have worked very hard on staying best friends and getting over the nasty bumps that life throws at us.
Whew! That's a big question and I agree with others. It's a personal choice and a choice that can and will affect the marriage. It's a choice that's up to you. We make our choices and then we have to live with them.Quote:
If someone realizes they are dominant or submissive but their spouse is neither, is it appropriate to start a new relationship with someone that is in the lifestyle?
My T is very dominant, he's my dom. Yet he decided to let Mistress Ruby come out to play. Lucky me, cause, "I switch, therefore I am."
If T told me, or asked me, not to have Nat as my submissive, we would honor his request. It doesn't mean that Nat and I wouldn't remain friends, yet "that" part of our relationship would be closed.
Would we still write together? Stories like this one:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3882
I certainly hope so! T isn't cruel enought to keep me from enjoying my naughty side via my writing.
i love you so much blizz!! and you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and Dragon always (darn practical Doms!") HUGS!!Quote:
Originally Posted by His_blizzard
that was beautifully stated annie...no way to improve on perfection! HUGS!Quote:
Originally Posted by just_annie
silly me looked at it as honestly answering a serious question with the thoughtful and open view of the reality of my own life, my own experience, and difficult choices made to get through each day...that is obviously something that is not wise to do...i don't apologize nor seek approval, but also don't expect the willingness to share part of my experience as open season to be judgedQuote:
Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead
I don't think you owe anyone here an apology nor do you need anyone here to approve of what you do. However, expecting not to be judged is a bit naive. Hell, I've been called sick, twisted and dangerous by fellow BDSMers because of some of my kinks, which was kind of surprising since I don't consider myself as hard core as some people.Quote:
Originally Posted by caligirl{Rob}
good to know ....judgement and snarky comments for humors sake is a good reason to avoid trying to offer any insightQuote:
Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead
I have a positive update to add to this thread. Namely, my husband and I had a really enlightening conversation this weekend. In short, we talked a lot about the problems in our marriage in the past, and our communication issues. And you know what? I really, really think he understands this time. And he apologized for not understanding in the past.
Anyway, we both made a commitment to really make an honest effort to make our marriage work. We're also going to explore the potential of a D/s relationship as we regain our trust in each other. So, I might be needing some feedback from those of you who are in D/s relationships with your long-time spouses. :)
Feeling optimistic,
playful
That would be outstanding. I hope it plays out for you... and if not... at least you'll know you gave it another shot before looking elsewhere.
that is wonderful news! It is always a good thing when people are able to communicate...wishing you all the best!
hugs!
cali
Quote:
Originally Posted by Playfulsub
Congratulations, playful
May your relationship with your husband flourish,
Ruby
I'm a sucker for a happy ending!!!! Even more so for the romance!Quote:
Originally Posted by Playfulsub
How about spilling some details as you journey through this? Of course, I mean "juicy" details! LOL
Seriously, Play, I wish you all the best in all of your endeavors! As well as everyone else on their own journey. We're a community of supporters, learners, and hopefully, friends! :)
Playfulsub - that's wonderful news! I wish you both the best of luck. :)
Thanks, y'all! I appreciate the warm words of support. And yes, I fully intend to share our journey (as much as he's comfortable with) as we move along.
I'm trying to convince him to register here and start posting!
Well,,,
My husband and I have been together almost 11 years, married 9. We "opened" our marriage about 2 years ago. It has been challenge, but the rewards are truly amazing.
I was single until I met him...I dated ALOT, had many many great experiences in my dating life (EVEN knew I was submissive, but never expored that....save that for another thread...) I dated multiple guys at a time, am I polymorous? I believe so, but that too is another thread.
My husband and I define our open marriage as having the ability to explore new relationships, emotionally and sexually. We are committed to each other and our marriage and life together. We've agreed that these outside relationships will not interfere with our life.
For me I come at it from a very practical perspective...
~~we are mammals; Why are we the ONLY species that are supposed to meet, mate and procreate for a lifetime toghether?
~~Statistically, 70% of the population Cheats (defined as having a sexual relationship OUTSIDE of the marriage/relationship, without the partner knowing) SO, why are so many people cheating? Are they all devious, hurtful, uncaring, selfish beings out for themselves? I DON"T believe so. I believe that we are truly a polymorous being, but society has conformed us to believe in a monogomous relationship. We are drilled to believe that there is a "one true love" for us all... All that said, I do believe in monogomous relationships work as well.
~~When we take the stigmatism out of "cheating" and recognize that open relationships are a healthy and viable alternative, we take sooo much stress out of our lives. My husband can never cheat on me..I will never cheat on him.
We both have a relationship outside our marriage. His friend S- is also married and has a family. My Sir is married and has a new baby. Both our partners also have open marriages.
We explored open marriage at my inserting the idea, it has taken a long time to get us to where we are, and still uncomfortable moment. But you know what..we talk, we are honest, we share our concerns and feelings and celebrate each others happiness. I went thru something with My Sir a few months ago that I wasn't comfortable with, and you know who I leaned on? Yes, My husband.
It truly is liberating and rewarding. My husband and I share so much more quality in our lives now! We don't fret the small stuff, we enjoy our time together and have so much more to talk about. Our lifestyle has enriched our marriage (and our sex life together ;) )
I'd be happy to share my journey in more detail if you have any questions. It has not been easy, and some days so fucking hard I wanted to just give it up and "be monogomous" but that is not who I am. The trials are so worth the tribulations! For any relationship to work, you have to be honest with yourself and true to who you are!
Please pm me if you want to know more, I am always happy to share in a lifestyle that I TRULY believe in!
submissively,
ra
to me, a betrayer will just as easily betray you. after all, if theyre doing so with their spouse, the person they have vowed to bind their life to.. then some bit on the side is up a creek at the first inconvenience. without Honour how could there be trust?Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle90
the only exception i can think of is if the person in question has talked to their spouse in all honesty and gotten their consent to find someone else, i assume for interests they cant live without but their spouse has no interest in. i have heard of that working out ok and crucially it's not a breach of Honour... if they really have discussed it.
id be darn sure it's true first though, if it were me. i think id want to talk to their spouse myself first to make sure it really is ok, what their take is on it, etc. and id have to be in some sort of special circumstances myself to risk it as it sounds like a less stable arrangement.
as for the online take on it i couldnt say as i dont do online and dont really see things that way. there is only one reality to me.
When we date we try to find the right partner,whats the use of getting someone thats not into your kinks,I read alot of people online seem to be married for many years then start screaming vanilla, but wasnt the partner vanilla when you both met,were you both vanilla ?It seems the more chat rooms and online BDSM sites the more people are unhappy with there year marriages.WHY IS IT LIKE THIS?and if your not happy why prolong the marriage,to me it just makes everyone unhappy.I am not picking on anyone here its how i feel.I may chat online but ive been married 23 years,well living together and at first my hubby wasnt into all my kinks, but he was into some so i knew he would be the man for me.I didnt date a guy that wasnt into my kinks cos i knew our time together woudnt work.I still believe that the internet has a big sway in peoples thoughts now, because when i was young not many that i knew were into the stuff i was,and i found it hard to find others with my interest..As for cheating,i say Dont, truth is everything in life if you dont have that you have nothing...Radiance