Well...my journey and its total lack of well...

Okay...so not to come out all "journal - ly" but anyway Tessa's thread inspired me. And a good new friend here encouraged me. So here is my story...

First lets just get this out in the open. I am fat. I am short. I wear glasses. But I have big boobs! :) When I was in highschool I knew that both boys and girls were attractive. I came out as bi. Well after about a year or so...I graduated and went to college. Saddly I had not yet felt the touch of anyone. No boyfriends, no girlfriends. Nothing! So I did what any college girl would do who was a virgin and desperate for some nooky. I went to the Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans meeting looking for well....nooky. I got hit on...but only by other girls. So yep...you guessed it. I decided, Well fuck. Fine...I am a lesbian then.
Two more years passed me by. Still no nooky. What the fuck I though. Okay so I am a fat...but gosh this isn't highschool anymore. Other fat girls are getting laid. What is wrong with me?
Then over one summer..I FINALLY meet someone. Not long afterwards I have a guy hit on me that was super hot *which just goes to show you*, but I had committed to my girlfriend and so I passed on him.
Eight Years Later...
Yep I said EIGHT. I am still with my first lover. :eek: and don't get me wrong. I really really do love her. She is sweet and kind and a wonderful person. So what is the problem you ask? Well damn it. I am TIRED OF VANILLA.
Even as a kid *by kid I mean teen, I dreamed of being a sub. Which is totally weird because on the streets...I am a total dom. Really weird but true. And in day to day living she totally submits to me. I make 90 percent of the choices. I dont do any housework, cooking, cleaning...nothing. She does that all. *I do mow the lawn*
But in the bedroom...oh how I CRAVE to be dominated. Ordered. Bound. But so far...its been pretty vanilla.
So I told her one day a year ago or so. We bought some "cheap sex toys bondage stuff" and played around lightly with it. Nothing is more of a turn off than a pair of anklecuffs that break the first time you really struggle. FUCK.
Then she would never try it again.
7 months pass. I talk to her again...express my desires. She says she loves the idea. I come here. I get a Hard list. I fill one out and ask her to. THey match fairly well! *I had no idea she would be into pee play...funny*
NOTHING HAPPENS
I get a collar and wear it to greet her.
NOTHING HAPPENS *ie it turned vanilla*
I get some other gear
NOTHING HAPPENS

And now we get to the complicated part....the part I have been reticuled with. The part that people have called me a horrible lier on.

Remember way back at the top of this thread, about 40 years ago? Think back...I was in high school. I was bi...remember? Yeah I know, it was a long time ago, but yep. I wrote it.
So here I am 8 years into a lesbian relationship....craving some cock. I have never touched one. I LONG too. I have never sucked one...I AM dying for it. I have never had anything more than a stiff old dildo...and I long for a throbbing hot manrod. I want to be taken. I want to be *fantasy* raped. I want double pen. I want to be forced to deep throat. I want to experience that.
But damn it...I love my wife. I know we promised to be true. I want to honor that. But I think....
I think I chose one person too soon. I think I should have tried these things before. I think I really am unhappy sexually. I hate giving her pleasure *god help me* She calls me a pillow princess or a Stone Fem. But how can that be? I long to suck a cock... fuck life is confusing.
I am scared to tell her that I hunger for this...she may leave me.
But I hate the thought of living my whole life without a male dom standing over me.
fuck
so I come here. I ask around for an online dom. Not as good of course, but better than nothing. And harder to get caught at than a real guy.
Then I get horrible notes and whispers that I am a fake, a scammer, a cheat.
I ask around for someone to dom my art charater instead....maybe that would be okay. I had several *dozen* replys, all but one or two from new members who did not come across well in the note.
No I will not fly to another country to see you now.
No I will NOT show you pictures of my pussy before I know you.
NO NO NO
I had one good new friend write. Someone kind...someone caring. Someone sexy as hell. But yeah, that was never going to work. He had someone else, as I knew, and I need someone who can be there for me more than he has time for. Damn bossy subs. But damn it...I don't want to lose my partner now for playing online with someone. But FUCK I need someone to dom me.

Anyway that was an essay. Sorry everyone. Damn mouthy subs.

So here I am...naked before you...try not to crush me. I know I am well....pathetic. But anyway I was told to go ahead and try to post this. That this group was more understanding and open minded than I was first led to believe.

here goes

Thank you tired-of -vanilla for your story. You are, and I know, a wonderful woman and very creative artist and good friend. Your talented post is sure to get you many good comments and I hope you get what you want, you certainly deserve it.

Hugs

John

Dear tired.of.vanilla
First i want to tell you how Much Respect i got for you for posting this
Story
Second your NOT Pathetic And please Dont be sorry
its good to talk about curtain things it will help you (it did for me ;) )
Lots of Luck to you

And Thank you Again :rose: :rose: :rose:

Tired of Vanilla, what an incredible post. You are obviously an amazing lady, and I look forward to getting to know you better. I find it hard to believe that such posts will not attract a dungeon full of quality Doms. If not, then they need their own whips taken to them.

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Originally Posted by tired.of.vanilla

Then I get horrible notes and whispers that I am a fake, a scammer, a cheat.

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If you still have them, please will you forward them to me. Forum rules apply as much in PMs as they do in public posts. Thank you.

cariad

Hi Tired of Vanilla,

What an incredible post.

So your craving cock? You said you were bi. That doesn't make you a liar.

I admire your honesty and your ability to say what you really want. Go you!

Huge long distance hugs of support and hoping you find what you seek,

Ruby

Very honest and brave post. I hope you find what you seek - your courage is an attractive trait. Don't give up!

Yes, very brave and it's not that hard to understand your longing for fulfillment on both directions of your person, your sexuality. That's sooo achingly human. *hugs*

I am not the right person to give you advice but I definitely hope you find exactly what you are looking for and understanding from your wife in that.
good luck to you in your quest for cock and fulfillment :)

I'm sure you're beautiful darling and not simply a "fat, short, bad eyesighted woman with big boobs." It is possible you chose to be with someone too soon. Keep talking to her. It's very possible she's not the Dominant type and she's like, you, submissive.

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Originally Posted by MajesticFae

It's very possible she's not the Dominant type and she's like, you, submissive.

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lol I thought about that too but forgot to write it down.
and yes "tired of vanilla" I am sure you are a fantastic woman!

tired.of.vanilla,

I remember reading reading your ads and thinking that someone would be lucky to get you as a sub. After reading your post here I am even more sure of it. I even remember commenting idly to someone that I thought you were very tempting.

I know there are a lot of jerks out there, and I am saddened that you ran into them instead of the nice people. I would have sent you a private word of encouragement if I had known you were having these problems. You are attractive for your honesty and forthrightness, as well as your desire to find out who you are. I, for one, would be honored to Dom you, I just do not have the time to take on another sub.

Keep looking, there are some good Doms here, and you will find the right one if you are patient.

Hi tried your post was impressive. If you would like too talk about things give me a PM I would be glad too chat with you.


MrDom

Thanks so much everyone! The responce has been overwellming! I am delighted! I will give you some updates as I go along...and you can catch me in chat most end of the week nights for now. :)

Well, I have to say that I admire and respect you, that must have been very hard to write.

I'm definitely not the kind of guy you're looking for, but I would be happy to aid you in whatever small way I can. All you need do is ask. :gl

tired, I found your post touching and endearing. And the bit about the bad messages - painful. I'm not in chat much, I'm not a great one for PMs etc - I tend to stay on the forums here, and all I can say is, the people I meet here are fantastic. I am quite sure a good man will come along for you, and I wish you all joy out of it. You do deserve it - I don't consider it wrong.

I do still hope that you manage to carry on talking to your wife, and are at least able, in time, to gain understanding from her of your needs. Secrecy is no fun.

Oh hang on - there was one thing you said that really shocked and concerned me -

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I hate giving her pleasure *god help me*

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. Would you care to expand on that? I mean, do you really not enjoy making her cum? Does she still give you pleasure?

And I don't know what a pillow princess or a Stone Fem are, lol.

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Oh hang on - there was one thing you said that really shocked and concerned me -
Quote:
I hate giving her pleasure *god help me*

. Would you care to expand on that? I mean, do you really not enjoy making her cum? Does she still give you pleasure?

And I don't know what a pillow princess or a Stone Fem are, lol.

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Moptop...
I don't care for going down on her. I like to make her cum. But its hard. She is very slow to orgasim and i tend to run out of energy before she gets there....with my tonge anyway. I can and do use hands to pleasure her. And I really want to make her come and give her pleasure. I just well...have seemed to turn it into a chore. I need to work on how to make that better.
a Pillow Princess or a Stone Fem is a lesbian who only wants to be serviced and to not touch her partner. I really don't think that is me. I just need to learn to find the joy in it more, and to find a way to sustain my energys.

What a posting! You just spilled it out all over the place. As MrDom said, very impressive! :)

This need you have, well, it's not lying to admit your have certain desires. Ruby commented on such. You care for your wife and don't want to hurt her, but you are trying to include her in on your desires. That's important. I hope what you want with her can become part of your relationship.

As for what you seek online, best of all to you in that. There are some wonderful people in this community. I hope you find a grand friendship in there somewhere.

tessa :wave:

ps. I can't believe you were inspired by my posts. That's really cool. :)

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Originally Posted by tired.of.vanilla

Moptop...
I don't care for going down on her. I like to make her cum. But its hard. She is very slow to orgasim and i tend to run out of energy before she gets there....with my tonge anyway. I can and do use hands to pleasure her. And I really want to make her come and give her pleasure. I just well...have seemed to turn it into a chore. I need to work on how to make that better.
a Pillow Princess or a Stone Fem is a lesbian who only wants to be serviced and to not touch her partner. I really don't think that is me. I just need to learn to find the joy in it more, and to find a way to sustain my energys.

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You can pm me anytime if you'd like to talk about it. I can empathize.

Is there the equiavalent of "Pillow Princess/Stone Fem" for a heterosexual male? :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Mishka

Is there the equiavalent of "Pillow Princess/Stone Fem" for a heterosexual male? :rolleyes:

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Nope Have you ever heard of a man who isn't willing to stick his cock into a willing orifice?

(I know that wasn't what you were implying, but that would be the hetero male equivalent action... )

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Originally Posted by Mishka

Is there the equiavalent of "Pillow Princess/Stone Fem" for a heterosexual male? :rolleyes:

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Hell no! *frowns* A man who finds it a chore to pleasure his woman though receiving pleasure himself is nothing more than a selfish bastard....like my ex-husband.

pleasuring a woman is a rush. There is NOTHING sexier than an aroused woman period! (and yet I have lots of fetishes lol)

I wish you luck in your search Tired of Vanilla.. I know you from the academy where you have gotten started in your search and exploration of your submission.

I am also sorry that the Right Online Dom has not come along and snatch up such a wonderful delightlful sexy sub as yourself. You are a great sub and I hope that you are able to find a Master to Dominate you and show you what your heart desires..

Good luck...

Thanks everyone! Yeah I signed up over at the Academy...so anyone who is there is MORE than welcome to throw some assignments at me...feel free! woot!

Anyway PROGRESS! I had a wonderful night yesterday! I decided that first thing was first...I needed a room to do my Academy work...and maybe show my parter HOW very very interested I was in doing this. So I set up my spare room. I pulled the bed from the wall so all the posts had full access. I emptied out one of the drawers of my built in set of drawers...and filled it with all the sex toys, leashes, collars, whatnot I had on hand. Then I cleaned and vacumed. *rare for me to do housework and boy did she notice!*
Then I put on a pair of striped black and white tights...a tight pair of red boxerbriefs..and a silky black tank...and went to get her and show her the new room!
She was so amazed and turned on! She actually tied me down...gagged me...Blindfolded me...and teased. She even while I was blindfolded got out a belt and whacked my back...which resulted in a welt, a scream, and a talk about how real belts are a bit powerful for me! *note to self...get a softer flogger soon!*
I was so happy!
Then we had a serious talk about my bi-sexual side. She has an old boyfriend who has donated live sperm for us in the past...and she is going to ask him if he would be willing to do a threesome...with me as a "slave" for them both!!! Eeek wouldn't that be great...if it happens!
We also talked about the Academy. She feels that the academy is a wonderful way for me to learn and have fun...without the threat of an online dom at this time. So I beg ya...if you are there people...come tease me! ha! *what a slut!*
Anyway thanks again everyone! Hope you liked my update as much as I did. It's going to go slow I think...but I am going to have a great time building up to it.

This is wonderful news! It sounds like your wife wants you to be happy and is willing to do what she can to make that happen. Congratulations and good luck! :)

That's fantastic. Amazing what some initative and great communication can do!

A special little room...sweet.

:D

My great and good friend!

I am soo happy for you.

Keep me posted, my dear


John

WOW, Nice to see that your partner is not as vanilla as you thought. I hope her interest continues to grow now that she has had a taste.

dip the foot in and you sure want to take a dip if the water is warm
I am sure she wants to come back to that
good luck to you :)

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Originally Posted by tired.of.vanilla

Then we had a serious talk about my bi-sexual side. She has an old boyfriend who has donated live sperm for us in the past...and she is going to ask him if he would be willing to do a threesome...with me as a "slave" for them both!!! Eeek wouldn't that be great...if it happens!

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.Darn it, just as I was about to volunteer... :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

.Darn it, just as I was about to volunteer... :rolleyes:

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We may well have to pick someone else actually. His phone number is disconnected and we have no other way to get in touch with him right now. Shit!

Possibilities...

You never know.

tired,

You know, Oz is on a tour of the USA right now, seeing the countryside and granting wishes. Think about it. :)

Brains, hearts, courage...

and domination.

If you didn't have the courage before in your life, you certainly have it now. Good luck and I hope you get what you want.

Thanks everyone! One step at a time I guess. My partner is such a weekend Dom so far. Poot.
But I will keep working on her! I am such a top from the bottom.:blurp_ani

the way to not getting tired while giving pleasure is finding a way of getting pleasure at the same time. sometimes your partner needs to be active and sometimes not. some time taking turns works. i personally like to be the one giving first because i get turned on by the antispation in knowing that i will be next.