Am I driving myself crazy?

Hey all,

Well there it is... my first real post. With the big question "am I driving myself crazy?". As I mentioned in my introduction post I have a newbee Master and I have much more experience then him and right now it feels like I wanna bang my head against the wall. My stomach is one big knot of emotions and it feels like I'm gonna explode any minute now. I have encoutered a similair thread about subfrenzy in the beginners stage, but I am not a beginner (*she said blushing*) and I know about all the baby steps, the communication, the learning process, etc... but my body is going wild and my head is spinning. The thing is I am doing it to myself... I am hooked on the stories on this page and frankly that doesn't seem to help at all...
I have tried talking about it, but somehow I still get the feeling that I am overwhelming him. Maybe I am too much.. I don't know (he of course answers "no your not"). I could be talking about it 24/7 if I had the chance but I don't wanna sound like the oversexed slut (well hell I am... lol).
Hmm... this post is going nowhere. I don't even know what I want to ask for.. Some advice? Some tips.. maybe just the reckonision..

Thanks for reading this illogical rant...

hugz
a frustrated mysc

Honey,

I feel like this often just about life in general. You are not being too much. I have been told this all my life and I am tired of it. If someone thinks youa re too much, I feel it is their problem.

You are excited, you are thrilled and you are probably scared a little too. JUst continue talking and it sounds like he really cares and he is probably worried he isn't pleasing you. Talk and Talk and talk, that is my advice.

And keep posting rambling posts, LOL. SOmeone here will figure them out and post just what you need and want to hear.

Be easy with yourself and with him. You are doing just fine.

Hope this helps.

John

hrm chuckles a bit..
post sounds like typical subbie frustration .. more chuckles.

Give your Dom time , and let him get where he is going.. you'll both be happier.
I'd suggest hang up the impatience.
You can't do but so much at a time, either of you.

Us women want to talk ...
we can't help it we really want to talk it to death and it seems like we are repeating ourselves all the time BUT he IS listening give him time and things will work out the hardest part(for me anyways) was opening the very first conversation now let him absorb all that he wants to and let him learn what he feels he needs to the hard part now be patient and good things will come!!!i know its very hard i am very new to this still too and i always talk his ear off and he just reminds me now that we will do what He wants to when He wants to and not a minute before!!!!!! good luck

well there is a post somewhere here with the rules for girls about guys
it goes something like this
subtle hints DONT work
obvious hints DONT work
direct hints DONT work
you need to TELL him :p

+ he might be afraid that he will go too far and hurt you. Remember the programming us guys get from our mothers?
Talk and let it take some time. Perhaps you should print the hottest story of the forum and slip it into his attache bag or something or "hide it" poorly so that he will find it and then he might know what you want, without you actually having to tell him (if that is a problem).

take the "hard limit" test and give it to him and ask him to fill out his part then you sit down and compare over the kitchen table after 2 glasses of wine perhaps?

some thoughts that might help.
good luck to you and your newbie Dom.

edit: omg smilie at the lack of punctuation :4:

I agree with Logic1. You have taking my questionaire so show it to him but first ask him to take the one for the Dom, remember to tell him that it is about what he likes to do with a sub/slave.

After he has taken it exchange them then talk it all out. There is the chance that your needs or more then he can currently handle.

I never used a flogger before morgan never felt that I could use one a another human being. I was whipped as a teen by my mother using a rubber hose cut into a cat of nine tails, still have the scars. She wanted and needed it very much so I agreed to try. She tells me I am a natural and she loved it so that I am even better today and now wonder how I could not bring myself to do this.

Oh a question are you F to F or online? It makes a difference with the physical aspects

Communication.

this is always important, and perhaps more so when there is an experience differential. Topping from the bottom is not always a bad thing, if it is done with tact and concern.

Thanks for all the replies you guys...
I know I have to be more patient, but this never was one of my strongest points (that and making choices..).
We are communicating, and I was already thinking about asking him to join this forum (we are both registered on a dutch one, but it's a small one... and not much action at all).

@Sir Russell, it's face to face.. and he had a lot of trouble with his ex gf, who demanded his full attention (even beyond the limits, putting his needs aside... sleeping on the couch while he was sick because she couldn't stand his heavy breathing (just to give one of the examples)), so he is still searching and I think he's a bit scared too...

I just asked him to join, and he agreed... so he will be registering soon...

@Rhabbi I see your point, but that's something I have done in my previous relationships and somehow that always turned out to be a turn off at the end..

Thanks for all the input!!!

Take him to my thread in the Gallery erotic pictures to through it with him, tell him which ones you want to do and as much why as you can. Promising him an experience that he will remember forever.

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

Take him to my thread in the Gallery erotic pictures to through it with him, tell him which ones you want to do and as much why as you can. Promising him an experience that he will remember forever.

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oh hot suggestion man :)
I do like the story suggestion better though *chuckles*

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Rhabbi I see your point, but that's something I have done in my previous relationships and somehow that always turned out to be a turn off at the end..

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I did not mean to suggest that you make it a way of life, but there is only one way for him to actually gain experience, and that is through actually doing these things. Would you prefer that he learn from you or from another person. My guess is from you.

Topping from the bottom in the way I meant it does not mean telling him what to do, but how to do it, and then letting him know how much you appreiciate that he is doing it the way you like. then encourage him to try what he thinks he will enjoy.

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Originally Posted by Wolfscout

hrm chuckles a bit..
post sounds like typical subbie frustration .. more chuckles.

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Growls. Chuckling at a frustrated sub. That is very unwise. Very unwise indeed. Have you checked your life insurance recently?

Mysc, I wish I had an answer for you, but you might find that kicking the shins of an unsympathetic Wolf gives some temporary relief...

cariad

Rhabbi, sorry I misunderstood that part... you are right tho..

Cariad... hehehe...

erm...he is inexperienced. You knew what you did when you picked him, and you know how impossible you where when you where new, (he says all knowingly).

Just as Wolfscout points out; you need to be patient and you need to be careful with what feedback you give him. There's many more things for him to figure out other than pleasing you.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

erm...he is inexperienced. You knew what you did when you picked him, and you know how impossible you where when you where new, (he says all knowingly).

Just as Wolfscout points out; you need to be patient and you need to be careful with what feedback you give him. There's many more things for him to figure out other than pleasing you.

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Yes I know that I have to be patient...and for that last sentence.... as your whole post... it really get's me a bit pissed off...
It's not like I'm pushing him in any way... the post was more about my state of mind and how I could avoid that. And that last sentence... well I'm very sorry but I don't want him to please me, I want to please him...

This could be my pms, or me just being female, but you sound very offensive...

Just as a quick note from the subject of all this - I'm not a boyscout and can handle myself just fine. My darling is far from impossible (as far as this subject is concerned - big grin), we're just trying to find out which gear makes us travel at the same speed. Or that's how I see it. Travelling at different speeds can be difficult and frustrating at times, sure. I also like talking more than you know - but to the surprise of some, listening as well...
Part of the beauty of relationships is that you never really know what you're getting into. Part of the beauty of this one is that every day is a new, pleasing surprise.
Let's deflate a little, shall we?

(John56: you hit a nail bang on the head. I'll let you guess which one ;) )
(Cariad, Logic1: LOL )

LOL, well I am not good at guessing games but I will assume, from both of your posts, that it has something to do with you both caring for each other very much.

That is the one things that comes across to me. And getting that "going in the same direction at the same time" thing is sometimes hard, in ANY kind of relationship. I think you are both doing fine and unlike some of the others I think talking and feedback is good. And Mysc, my opinion here, just needs to not be so hard on herself.

Good luck and if you want support or a cheerleader let me know, LOL.

Enjoy the forums both of you.

cheerleader - LOL. Why am I having visions of being surprised at a cheerleader carrying a camera?
(I'm also having visions of people yelling "You go girl!" and "Get her!" "C'mon, you can do it" at the top of their voice right next to the bed. Not really, um, inspiring, but funny ;P )

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

There's many more things for him to figure out other than pleasing you.

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Tom, I think I understand what you're trying to say.

I'm finally beginning to realize that for myself - it was hard at first to bite my tongue and not say what amounted to "more, more, more and now" on a practically daily basis. Knowing that he does want to please me and actually being patient enough to give him time to figure out what all this "BDSM stuff" means to him has paid off for me lately - rather than becoming the "dom of my dreams" he's becoming the dom that he really is. Rather than changing to meet my definition/expectations of a dom, I'm beginning to get the opportunity to change to meet his expectations of a submissive. It's really wonderful!

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Originally Posted by Mysc

And that last sentence... well I'm very sorry but I don't want him to please me, I want to please him...

This could be my pms, or me just being female, but you sound very offensive...

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Yeah, I know. It's my wonderful abrasive personality. Something for me to work on. But that said, I think you are wrong. I'm a dom and I want to please my slave. But the catch here is that pleasing a sub/slave is different than pleasing in a vanilla way. Or to formulate it differently, he does want you to be happy, doesn't he? He has to figure out how to do this. Social pressure tells us what to do, which doesn't work in a BDSM setting. I've yet to meet somebody with a fetish for being miserable...no wait, I have. But that wasn't in the BDSM scene.

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Originally Posted by cariad

Growls. Chuckling at a frustrated sub. That is very unwise. Very unwise indeed. Have you checked your life insurance recently?

Mysc, I wish I had an answer for you, but you might find that kicking the shins of an unsympathetic Wolf gives some temporary relief...

cariad

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oh lady c. ~~ your words hurt me to the core.. you know I am always considerate of both sides .. well until one doesn't listen and need to be set upon a flaming hot griddle to make them understand with their hard headed subbies self. :blurp_ani

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Originally Posted by Mysc

Yes I know that I have to be patient...and for that last sentence.... as your whole post... it really get's me a bit pissed off...
It's not like I'm pushing him in any way... the post was more about my state of mind and how I could avoid that. And that last sentence... well I'm very sorry but I don't want him to please me, I want to please him...

This could be my pms, or me just being female, but you sound very offensive...

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I think what Tom may have meant and i've not seen it.. is Doms have to think of many things when they perform their actions. It's not an easy thing.
perhaps it wasn't an answer to your post.. But neither was it out of line .. threads often have branches that don't necessarly pertain to the original post.
I would be nice to see more subs who seek to please rather than be pleased.
And that is all i'm going to say on my last sentence.

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I would be nice to see more subs who seek to please rather than be pleased.
And that is all i'm going to say on my last sentence.

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As a Dom I have a bit of a concern with this. I am pleased, immensely, when my subs are pleased. It is an equal consideration. If I can please the women I play with then their pleasure heightens my own. So I, for one, want a sub that wants to be pleased.

Does pleasing your subs make you a bad dom? Not in my book.

And I don't think Mysc has mentioned that she didn't want to please her partner.

hrm .. that particular comment was that yes i understand the cycle more.
but just as i had to explain to an individual sometimes.. there is a need for each side to do a bit more than is "necessary" just as in any relationship.
It had nothing to do with the give and take of a scene. but what happens where there are no scenes or activites taking place.
No need for Concern.

Forgive me for branching off on my own tangent but...advice given with even the slightest hint of condescension should probably be taken with a gigantimous grain of salt.

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Originally Posted by Wolfscout

hrm .. that particular comment was that yes i understand the cycle more.
but just as i had to explain to an individual sometimes.. there is a need for each side to do a bit more than is "necessary" just as in any relationship.
It had nothing to do with the give and take of a scene. but what happens where there are no scenes or activites taking place.
No need for Concern.

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Not to belabor the point, but while I agree with some of the above, each party in a relationship has to do more than necessary, yes. I believe Mysc and Xanthos are doing this and I still don't see that the statement that "subs seek to please rather than be pleased" is saying that BOTH parties need to do more than necessary.

And outside of scenes it is even of more importance to be equally concerned with each other's needs and pleasing the other partner, IMHO. SO I was thinking of both within and out of scenes.

And unfortunately I am concerned when I am concerned, can't really do anything about that, whether there is need or not. :)

Hmmm. I think this might be relevant.

My sweetie, he is the dominant, and he is definatley in charge. He inspires such a deep desire for me to submit, to please him, not to be a worry or a pressure in his life...of course, he wants to be able to please me as well.

Mysc, I feel the same way that you do, so eager, so excited...it is because I really like him, and I was getting butterflies in my stomach everytime we met. Like a silly teenager with a crush. My desire not to be a bother to him makes me not want to burden him with that information. I held my tongue, because I knew that part was largely the chemical reaction.

There are so many things I want him to do...I am patient (I am old) and it is amazing how, by just waiting, he answers many of my questions without me asking...I think the dilemma is that, in a submissive role, I want so much to just please him, I feel it out of line to instruct him in my pleasure.

I found out he loves it when I tell him (in writing) how hot this whole thing is. I tell him what I liked, what I loved, and what I want. He can look at his email at his convenience, he can ponder my thoughts alone and decide what he feels, and he responds well to this. We communicate nicely in person, writing my fantasies, my likes, my wants, etc., is just such a polite, unintrusive way to get my wishes in his ear...it works for us.

Before I discovered this email tactic, I was feeling too submissive with him to be demanding. I like it when he takes control, I like the unexpected (I know, a little scary in this context), I am not demanding with him (unless he asks for a role switch). I find that as long as I have his approval and faith that he wants me to be be happy too, I can be fairly patient and not go too crazy in between our times together.

My body still goes wild and my head still spins with regard to him, we have been seeing each other for six months. The knot in my stomach comes from fear-- fear I will fall to hard for him, the fear he might change his mind, fear that I will prove to be "too much" for him, and any other lingering insecurities from the past that might be ghosting around.

My cure for this is yoga, breathing, relaxing, and going about my business. Talking it to death seems stupid, not giving anyone time to think about things. My reactions (mental, emotional and physical) are ultimately mine to deal with. I like to think I have good control of myself. Where is the value of giving over control to him if it was never mine to begin with?

It sounds like chemistry to me.

Reading your post has helped me see myself a little better, thanks for posting "Am I driving myself crazy?" You are brave.

Beswitchingly

Again thanks for all the insight you guys have on this!

@Tom.. it's okay, I understand you better now.

And Beswitch... you exactly described the whole thing!!! WOW!! I wasn't able to when I wrote my first post because of all the emotions. It's indeed also a matter of fear, and the feeling you don't want to be a burden.
Thanks again.. just one question; could you send some of these exercises to me? ;)

As for the whole spin off discussion.. I have to reread all the posts to see who's point is which.. it's confusing lol

Mysc,

Once again going to weigh in with my opinion.

I agree with Tom, becoming a good Dom is all about pleasing the sub. I treat every sub differently because each of them reacts differently. Continue to give him pointers, and, like hisj, be patient. If this is what he really wants eventually he will become a good Dom and focus on what works for you both.

As for pleasing him, I am sure he knows that is your desire. As a Dom I reinforce the things that a sub does that please me so she will know what to do. This actually please her, because her greatest satisfaction comes from pleasing me.

D/s is a bit more complicated than one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. Eventually this relationship will blossom into something you cannot imagine if you are patient enough to guide it, yet give it room to go its own way.

I will Rhabbi, thanks for your opinion. Of course I was aware of the fact that it's not just a matter of giving and the other one automatically taking, it's a whole balance that counts. And in all relationships the sexual side to it is a delicate matter and a very important one. And I am fully aware of it, that's why it's is scary aswell.
Due to various reasons I have a short concentration span and patience to me is a very hard thing, and it's not that I'm not willing to be patient, it's more or less a body thing (I can't go to a restaurant and eat and sit there for more then 1 and a half hour, after that I get restless and cannot follow conversations anymore, but I can spend a whole night dancing. I've just relearned how to read books.. I couldn't get beyond the first 3 pages without losing the story, not remembering who was who and all..).

I've just talked about the email part and he asked me to do just that, write it all down. And I am going to do that.

Hugz
Mysc

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Originally Posted by Wolfscout

It would be nice to see more subs who seek to please rather than be pleased.

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*seems to be studying my blue toenails* Umm...damn.

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Originally Posted by Beswitchingly Positive

Talking it to death seems stupid, not giving anyone time to think about things. My reactions (mental, emotional and physical) are ultimately mine to deal with. I like to think I have good control of myself. Where is the value of giving over control to him if it was never mine to begin with?

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*bites lower lip and twists fingers as I study my blue toenails* Well....shit.

*slinks off to do some more thinking*

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Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead

*slinks off to do some more thinking*

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Don't slink, sweetie. Crawl, but don't slink. ;)

Red, you're wonderful, you know. :) Well, you don't, but you should.

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Originally Posted by Mysc

@Tom.. it's okay, I understand you better now.

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~claps and smiles brightly~ Yay! *whispers* Just between us, he's really wonderful and does give good advice. He's just the best. The best at what, well, I'm still trying to figure that out. :p

This is a great thread! I have learned something from each and every post. I love it when that happens.

tessa :wave:

Lets see if we can get back to point. We all feel what she is going through, frustration because our partner isn't quite or a lot not what we expected. The time and sessions it takes for the D/s to find common ground can be hard on the nerves.

I think though that once we get through that each of the players will have learned and found growth in the life. Sometimes that growth is unexpected and yet very pleasurable.

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

Lets see if we can get back to point. We all feel what she is going through, frustration because our partner isn't quite or a lot not what we expected. The time and sessions it takes for the D/s to find common ground can be hard on the nerves.

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Erm and that was not my point. Again I do not feel or think my partner is lacking, I do not feel or think he should move faster, and I am not expecting more then he can handle... but that is not the way I can temper my urge, it's like an internal whirlwind and I'm (with all my reason and knowledge *ehum*), at that point, external and just have to sit it out.

Secondly was the fear of overwhelming and balancing the information stream.

I can see why it comes across like that tho SirRussel.. I apologise for that. My mind was racing at the moment I wrote that down...

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Originally Posted by Mysc

Again thanks for all the insight you guys have on this!

@Tom.. it's okay, I understand you better now.

And Beswitch... you exactly described the whole thing!!! WOW!! I wasn't able to when I wrote my first post because of all the emotions. It's indeed also a matter of fear, and the feeling you don't want to be a burden.
Thanks again.. just one question; could you send some of these exercises to me? ;)

As for the whole spin off discussion.. I have to reread all the posts to see who's point is which.. it's confusing lol

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I would be very happy to tell you what I know. It all starts with gaining control of your breathing. Most people in the west breathe incorrectly, shallow and with little power. Yoga taught me how to breathe.

Yoga is good, good, good, in its many forms. I started with Hatha, which concentrates on stretching and holding poses, (asanas I think they are called) I started with a book from the public library in 1993. A class is a much better way to progress, but even some simple stretches on your own, with a book or video for instruction, is good.
I have taken a few Jivamukti Yoga classes, learnt a little Ashtanga Yoga technique (there are a bunch of Ashtanga clips on you tube), and my favorite all time yoga book is called "the 8 Human Talents" by Gurmukh, that is a Kundalini Book, the exercises look deceptively simple, and now that I have seen Gurmukh's dvd, I realised I was moving too slow...

Classes with a good instructor are best.

This will help your body process all the secretions your glands are dumping when you get scared or nervous, when the crush crushes in.

Meditation is super easy once you get the hang of it, but next to impossible to understand before you do. It is a deliberate relaxing of the brain and thought process. I could go into explaining it, but I bet folks already think I am off topic. I would be happy to chat or email if you want more. I even wrote one of my favorite relaxation techniques into a story for the writers' block (writing class) here, it not only describes the technique but how it feels when it is done well. I can send you that if you like, but i think it is too long for a private message. PM me with an email address if you like.

I am lucky, my lover does yoga as well, and it seems to help him control his own emotions and insecurities and he is in great shape.

It is by no means a cure all for anything, emotional discontent will still rear it's ugly head...I used to freak out more...now I still freak out but I am able to detach from it, relax as much as possible and let it pass. All emotion passes, unless you mentally focus on the feeling and sustain it. When I am unhappy, I acknowlege it, and I feel it, and then I decide to let it pass, not to feed the unhappy or scared feeling with negative thoughts.

Interestingly, lately, I have chosen to let the super happy moments pass the same way, cultivating a detachment to being overly happy as well... I like the mid point, the balance where I am not so happy I will crash hard if things change...never so sad or anxious that I feel it will drown me...

Yes women like to talk and talk about the emotions and feelings...frankly, I am a woman, and personally, I find too much of this dull. Many men find it dull too, so they say. Not that our feelings are unimportant, but if you are simply repeating a cycle based on past things, insecurities, it is not a real feeling; it is a lack of self control, like playing a part in a play over and over without thought.

Gaining control of this compulsion to feed the emotions (by talking endlessly and generally freaking out) is liberating. Stopping to process internally by getting quiet mind...my life may sound boring, but it is far from it.

For me, it was not until I had this control and discipline of myself that I could really fully appreciate the depth of good bdsm dynamic.

I know a hundred tricks for calming one's mind. PM me your email address and I will send some good ones.

Cheers!

Beswitchingly

Beswitchingly:
Yoga is an intriguing tip, thanks. I'd like to get into that myself (I'm Mysc's Dom, if you hadn't noticed that already) but I'm afraid I lack the attention span. Still I'd like to try, though.

As she said, it's not a problem of compatibility or different needs. We're still finding stuff out (well I am) but we're doing fine. It's more that once she gets going really well, it's like a gyrator being fed from some invisible powersource - she keeps and keeps going, past the point where my stamina runs out. I'd love to be able to do more, but it also has to wind down sometime.
It's hard when you're new to get started, yes. Then it might get really, really hard to find a good way to stop...

Sounds like a pacing issue to me. Being excitied and wanting everything all at once, I understand that...felt the same way when I got together with my man. He is very good at taking charge and making the waiting part of the whole dynamic.

Yoga is good for increasing attention span. It seems like you two are ona good track. As long as you both keep wanting more, it sounds like a normal progression to me.

Cool, seems like your only problem is that you like each other and don't want to mess things up.

Beswitchingly