When your Master is to possesive

What do you do when you log into his chatroom,and even if he is not there everyone tells him what you talked about and or did.And when he is not there he has ppl watching your every move.Or he calls you 3-4 times a day just to see if your doing what you said you were doing.And when he im's you all the time asking you what you doing now.I can say for me I don't like that very much at all it makes me crazy.I find it hard to be with him in his chatroom cause of this so I don't go in there very much unless he tells me too.And he has even told me I am to not cut my hair ever again and or color it.For me I feel like this yes I am a sub but I still have my own mind and should be able to make my own choices.
For me when I am with him in person I am finding it to be hard due to the fact that if I talk with another person he gets upset.So I am trying to find some sort of balance,but so far there is none.

Honey It is just my opinion, but I would say RUN as fast as you can. He doesn't sound so much like a Dom as like a control freak.

I think this is dangerous. And don;t apologize by saying "Well, I am a sub so I should expect this," No you are a person who happens to like to be submissive. It does NOT mean you turn your life totally over to someone.

Again my opinion only, but I would say this is NOT a good thing.

i think that you should pause and take a look to see if you are happy because if your not happy then y stay if you are then that must be what you enjoy so have fun but if it is not then you need to leave it behind you

If a person claims to own a slave but isn't confident enough in the relationship and in his mastery of her to trust her then he doesn't really own her. Calling once or twice a day as a ritual, to give orders, to check in, etc. is fine if that's something both people enjoy, but having spies reporting on your every move, calling incessantly to double-check your stories, etc. is a really bad sign.

A lack of confidence leads to possessiveness, trying to hold on too tight. Jealousy leads to paranoia. Paranoia leads to anger. We all know where that road ends, and it isn't pretty.

If I were you I would either get out immediately, or do the thing that's often hard for subs: set out in no uncertain terms exactly what is unacceptable to you in the relationship, and make it clear that if he doesn't get his head together then it will be -over-. If you decide to give him a chance and talk to him about it, then don't take an ounce of shit from him regarding "topping from the bottom," "being a real sub," or any other such garbage. If you talk to him and he tries any of that, -walk.-

If you ever start seeing signs of jealousy or an attempt to isolate you...if he starts accusing you of cheating, making disparaging remarks about your friends, trying to cut you off from loved ones, etc. then you need to stop whatever you are doing and cut off all contact with him immediately.

(On this next part, I am NOT making accusations or cast aspersions on your character, but it has to be said, just in case)

I am of course assuming that you have never cheated on him, etc. and that you haven't done anything that a reasonable person would interpret as being disloyal. If you -have- made a mistake like that then the situation may feel al ittle more complex to you. In this case it might make sense to give him a little bit of latitude to make sure he knows you are being loyal now. It would STILL be no excuse for abusive behavior though, and it would be a huge mistake to let guilt drive you down into a bad situation.

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Originally Posted by creamy

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.I can say for me I don't like that very much at all it makes me crazy. I find it hard to be with him in his chatroom cause of this so I don't go in there very much unless he tells me too.
../

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seems to me you've already got your answer as to what you need to do.

Seems to me that you aren't ready for the intensity he apparently intends to demand. After so short a time, it's really not for us to say anything good or ill of your dom/master.

Does it seem that he is overly possessive? Perhaps. It could be inexperience on his part, it could be that he's had bad experiences with new subs in the past. Or it could be he's the type who likes to take total control. I once had a "test relationship" with a sub and she needed and wanted to be completely controlled right down to her daily clothin choices... but that's not my style. We all have different styles.

That said, realize it is indeed all about style and if style doesn't match yours, then take you leave and look for someone whose style fits in better with yours.

Hey Cream,

If you feel uncomfortable have a good talk with your Dom, and see how he reacts. If he respect you he will change the rules if not... well.. RUN.
(and to be honest.. my gut feeling tells me you should run now.. the rules he gave you and now this..)

If you are uncomfortable, you need to speak with him. You may find that he hadn't realized just how uncomfortable he was making you - as Ozme pointed out, there are subs who want that level of micromanagement - or you may find that he's out of line, and then it's a matter of his ability and willingness to change. I wonder, though, if he maybe feels insecure - you have at least one sub online; could it be that he feels he is competing with him?

Bottom line though, if you're unhappy and staying that way, get the heck out of Dodge.

thank you all I am gonna talk with him as soon as I can if he does not want to listen then the collar comes off and I lose his number and block him from my yahoo.I am to good of a person to deal with that kind of crap from anyone.
Sub or not I do what I wanna do and thats it.No if,an,or buts about it

Is this the guy with the girlfriend?

Comment removed because it seemed meant to offend and belittle. If someone has problems with my decision PM me. And let's attempt to be kind and constructive. John56

Um maybe it's just inexperience coupled with my feminist beliefs, but this guy sounds less like a "real" Dom and more like someone looking to exploit certain aspects of the lifestyle. In other words: at best, he's a creep with control issues; worst, he could mentally unstable and a danger to anyone involved with him.

I hope everything works out in your favor. Please, please be careful and make your safety the number one priority.

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Originally Posted by Austerus

If a person claims to own a slave but isn't confident enough in the relationship and in his mastery of her to trust her then he doesn't really own her. Calling once or twice a day as a ritual, to give orders, to check in, etc. is fine if that's something both people enjoy, but having spies reporting on your every move, calling incessantly to double-check your stories, etc. is a really bad sign.

A lack of confidence leads to possessiveness, trying to hold on too tight. Jealousy leads to paranoia. Paranoia leads to anger. We all know where that road ends, and it isn't pretty.

If I were you I would either get out immediately, or do the thing that's often hard for subs: set out in no uncertain terms exactly what is unacceptable to you in the relationship, and make it clear that if he doesn't get his head together then it will be -over-. If you decide to give him a chance and talk to him about it, then don't take an ounce of shit from him regarding "topping from the bottom," "being a real sub," or any other such garbage. If you talk to him and he tries any of that, -walk.-

If you ever start seeing signs of jealousy or an attempt to isolate you...if he starts accusing you of cheating, making disparaging remarks about your friends, trying to cut you off from loved ones, etc. then you need to stop whatever you are doing and cut off all contact with him immediately.

(On this next part, I am NOT making accusations or cast aspersions on your character, but it has to be said, just in case)

I am of course assuming that you have never cheated on him, etc. and that you haven't done anything that a reasonable person would interpret as being disloyal. If you -have- made a mistake like that then the situation may feel al ittle more complex to you. In this case it might make sense to give him a little bit of latitude to make sure he knows you are being loyal now. It would STILL be no excuse for abusive behavior though, and it would be a huge mistake to let guilt drive you down into a bad situation.

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I think this fits my opinions aswell.
It doesnt sound like somebody I would wish to be around. I had a girlfriend/sub that was like that and well I ended up dumping her after a little while cause I couldnt go anywhere without her "checking my every move". That creeped me out after a short while..
She was my sub but posessive as sin so it can go both ways.
My reccomendation would be to walk away.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Is this the guy with the girlfriend?

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no the guy with the gf is just a friend,me and him have talked for some time.
and what do you mean by double

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Originally Posted by creamy

no the guy with the gf is just a friend,me and him have talked for some time.
and what do you mean by double

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If you're developing feelings for an other guy while being involved with this Master....then....not to sound hetero normative or nothing but....it doesn't sound all that serious. It doesn't sound like your heart is with this guy. And on top of that he doesn't seem like such a great guy. What would you lose by dumping him?

I think a good goal to aim for before a collaring ceremony....is love. I like to see collaring as getting married. To me it has the same weight.

In either case, I'd follow my heart if I were you. Our brains are seldom in our pants.

Hrm unless one is in a situation where marriage is decided upon by both .. according to legalities.. it doesn't have the same weight until you combine them.

While i do beleive there is very deep relationship that grows betweed a D and s I do not think it is near equal to a marriage.
Those who can combine them .. either one first... Is truly lucky.
But they are not the same.
Much like BDSM slave and Gor slave are not same.

I also think that when you assume one's collar, you may not have to do all that is said..depending on constraints of that particular relationship.. but within those constraints and hard limits i think it is a necessity to do those things. acceptance of collaring is often taken too lightly in that view.. is what I've seen from online relationships thus far.

Is why I have stated ... as to being very unsure if I'd ever do another.
Perhaps was bad choices and decisions on my part as well.. but one must want to submit. period.

I was only talking about me, and I'm well aware that most people don't share my views. I view the legal part of marriage as very secondary.

I actually give collaring more weight than marriage. When I accept a slave it puts lots of responsibilities on me which I wouldn't feel as only a married man in a vanilla relationship. Not that I've had one, but anyway. As the rules of marriage are concerned, the two being married are equal. There's very little responsibilities for the other party. There is in time of need, but otherwise not. There's nothing in it about rank. That's why collaring is a bigger deal for me. A Master and slave relationship requires a lot more understanding, communication and investment.

For me Master and slave isn't a game. S/M can be, or just some D/s play. I'd never let a woman call me Master if I'm not.

edit: ...and as far as combining them is concerned. That's the only way for me. I wouldn't call it so much luck as persistence.

It is amazing to me as a dom to be discussing honor and commitment when there is a woman here asking a question about her safety and the signs coming from that question are warning signs of the worst stripe.

IS creamy safe, I don't think so. Any relationship SHOULD be an equal partnership. Marriage IS a lot of responsibility for both parties. And all of this post is my opinion, but there is certainly nothing more noble about being in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one. One may like to think there is, there is just more room for danger if the woman or man in the submissive role does not take an equal role in the relationship.

Creamy asked a very responsible and noble and safety conscious question about her relationship. What she got in return was a discussion on the differences between Doms and vanilla counterparts, IMHO.

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Originally Posted by John56

Creamy asked a very responsible and noble and safety conscious question about her relationship. What she got in return was a discussion on the differences between Doms and vanilla counterparts, IMHO.

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If I offended anyone I apologise. But I don't see how I am belittling vanilla marriages by saying that a Master slave collaring is a bigger commitment for me. For me it is. I also pointed out that it's totally subjective, and most people probably don't agree with me.

Threads develop. Just because we chose to deepen the subject at hand doesn't mean we're ignoring it. I certainly didn't pass judgement on her Master.

please say what you think,I do thats why I post what I am thinking and or feeling.I do thank you all for saying something in this thread of mine.

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Originally Posted by creamy

please say what you think,I do thats why I post what I am thinking and or feeling.I do thank you all for saying something in this thread of mine.

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...and this is why we love submissives. Thank you darling.

It sounds to me like there was perhaps not sufficient communication of what each party was expecting going into the relationship. Maybe he is just going too far, too fast.

However, excessive controlling behaviors and checking-up behaviors are red flags for a potentially abusive relationship.

Just my tuppence,
rose

John56 , I think everyone tried to answer creamy's question .. both in her with her initial comment and other comments made.
I have no idea what was edited... Don't care.......
I find no shame in anything that was posted unless it be the shame I find in not blaming a Dom Directly for possibly being a Bad Dom. And that is why we have the Bad Dom Thread that alexi started. Shoudl have been one long ago.
That is shameful.

Listen to your gut feeling. The fact that you posted this question already shows you think this guy is troublesome.

I also assume he is a control freak. If a grown-up person has that sort of psychological disorder, run as fast as you can... you cannot help him anyway, he would have to seek professional help.

This sort of guy will only make you unhappy. As it is not possible to control a person´s every move unless you poke out his eyes and tie him down in your basement behind a locked door, the control behavior will get ever worse.
This kind of person tends to be physically abusive as well! Mind that! It is a hellish circle - the more he checks on you, the more you need to get away, but that in turn makes him get only more possessive. Correction/amateur help is not possible. RUN.
(Besides: Do not try to explain it to him in much detail, he will only believe there is another guy / your evil friends behind your decision. Such guys do not do you the honour of realizing that you have a mind of your own, and such guys NEVER consider the possibility that their own behaviour might be the cause of the problem...
in case you wonder, YES, I had such a guy once as well, and am glad that I managed to get rid of him.)

Kind regards
Arria

smiles ty you all so much for what you have said I am thinking about my next move right now with him

I would have to agree with everyone, have a talk with him and if it doesn't look like he is going to change, get the hell out.

There are certainly different styles, and some styles are about micromanagement. But if that is this dom's style, it doesn't sound as though he made that clear before offering a collar. That's a pretty egregious mistake right there. While it is both people's responsibility to communicate their needs as they move along into a relationship I feel pretty strongly that the onus of final responsibility falls to the dom to ensure that negotiations are very clear, and that a full understanding is had by all, and that terms are onsensual. The nature of a Master/slave relationship puts the lion's share of responsibility for safety and sanity on the dom's shoulders.

If a dom takes a slave without any negotiation, I will come right out and say he has failed the slave as a master before the collar has even closed around her neck. At -best- he has been irresponsible, and at worst he is predatory.

Being new is no excuse either. Being new to D/s and eager to own another person is the last possible reason any of us should accept for being unsafe or abdicating responsibility. There are lots of resources out there, and lots of great advice, and -plenty- of playmates to be found to learn with in a more casual setting than that of Master/slave. Someone who is unwilling to use those resources in his quest for a slave -right now- is not ready to own someone.

I think in many ways the Dom perhaps communicated his "possessiveness." This post , which cream shared with us several days ago, in some ways indicated that to me at that time. May be how I interrupted it but I do believe the problem here may be more one of style then anything else. From the information that cream has shared, throughout the forum, she is a switch, which means that on some levels she doesn't wish to give up complete control. That is fully acceptable, for the right Dom. The Dom, knowing she is a switch, may be asking for a bit much, especially so early in the relationship...

Think perhaps both need to take a step back and see if their "kinks/choices" match up or not...

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Originally Posted by Austerus

If a dom takes a slave without any negotiation, I will come right out and say he has failed the slave as a master before the collar has even closed around her neck.

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I agree with Austerus, your master has failed. But I think it would be a disservice to you, creamy, to let you go away thinking you have somehow stumbled again into a bad D/s relationship through sheer coincidence. This isn't your first. His advice applies to you too.

You too must learn to negotiate and clarify your needs and what you will and won't give up, before committing to a relationship with a Master. It's probably too late for this one, this time.

But if you take all the good, loving well-deserved support from this group and use it (or misuse it) to feel "I was right, he was wrong, why does all this bad stuff keep happening to me?", well, that is a danger to you yourself.

Because if you don't learn from it, it'll just keep happening to you.

Hugs and wishes for growth!

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Originally Posted by just_annie

....
From the information that cream has shared, throughout the forum, she is a switch, which means that on some levels she doesn't wish to give up complete control. That is fully acceptable, for the right Dom. The Dom, knowing she is a switch, may be asking for a bit much, especially so early in the relationship...

Think perhaps both need to take a step back and see if their "kinks/choices" match up or not...

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yes.. I saw in a chat session derogative remarks about when someone could switch or not or even with whom... taking that from their options...

Seems that most Switches have certain people they switch with .. and some switch back and forth with their Dom partner....
That is accepted information in most places.
And would be communicated... not I think Demanded or expected even.

creamy,

If what he is doing bothers you, do not try to convince youself that he is right. Your instinctstell you this will not work, and yet you questions yourself.

One thing I have noticed with you is a tendancy not to trust yourself. from wht you said this guy has to either back off a bit, or you need to drop him. Understand, this opinion is only based on what you said. I do not know him, and it could be just that he is trying in his own way to let you feel his control.

Personally, this is something I work for whenever I take on a sub. My approach is different than his, but that does not make him wrong, or me right. we are just different. But if his apprach, or mine, does not work for you, talk to him and let him know. If he is totally unwilling to change, that would be a bad sign.

I tend to be a bit possesive myself, though not the way you say this guy is, but that does not mean I will not adalt if I have to. I understand that I have to adapt to each sub as an individual if I want to get the most out of her. I think most Doms would agree with this, at least I hope so.

Since I seem to have diverted from my advice to you and jumped on a soapbow I will shut up and let someone else step up and have a say. I have said this before, and will again. Communication is the key to making any relationship work, especially a D/s one.

Arria,

IMHO, these are the wisest words stated in this thread in answer to creamy's question.

thank you.

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Originally Posted by Arria

Listen to your gut feeling. The fact that you posted this question already shows you think this guy is troublesome.

I also assume he is a control freak. If a grown-up person has that sort of psychological disorder, run as fast as you can... you cannot help him anyway, he would have to seek professional help.

This sort of guy will only make you unhappy. As it is not possible to control a person´s every move unless you poke out his eyes and tie him down in your basement behind a locked door, the control behavior will get ever worse.
This kind of person tends to be physically abusive as well! Mind that! It is a hellish circle - the more he checks on you, the more you need to get away, but that in turn makes him get only more possessive. Correction/amateur help is not possible. RUN.
(Besides: Do not try to explain it to him in much detail, he will only believe there is another guy / your evil friends behind your decision. Such guys do not do you the honour of realizing that you have a mind of your own, and such guys NEVER consider the possibility that their own behaviour might be the cause of the problem...
in case you wonder, YES, I had such a guy once as well, and am glad that I managed to get rid of him.)

Kind regards
Arria

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In real life, I only know the workings of one D/s relationship, and that is my own. However I have observed many vanilla relationships and have realised one thing, never to try to understand why a particular relationship works. My observation of people, their feelings, discussions about their relationships etc here makes me appreciate that the same applies.

There are some subs, strong capable people too, who would embrace a Dom such as yours, wallowing in the attention to detail which he provides. Others, such as yourself feel smoothered by it. That does not make him a bad Dom, or you a bad sub. I would suggest however that it does perhaps make you the wrong sub for him, and him the wrong Dom for you.

From what you have said, I suspect that this relationship is still fairly new, and you are still learning about each other's styles and expectations. Perhaps you are now learning that you are not as compatible as you once thought. If so, then perhaps it is time to discover the friendship within the relationship, and nurture that as you agree to part as a D/s couple.

I think you need to sit back and think very hard about whether this is a relationship you are going to feel happy and secure within. If it is, then you will do everything in your power to make it work, if it is not, then it is time to return your collar and see what is left.

cariad