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I'm wondering if any of you have any clues for how to recognize a submissive in the "vanilla" world? I've heard so many stories of dominants who grabbed someone and dominated them because they somehow "knew" this was a subbie. I want to know how!
Thanks for any help
Ms. Carla
I'm not sure that I'm ever sure... so I'll sit and watch this thread as well.
lol, i so know what you mean , my owner and his wife spotted me as one the minute they first saw me as a possible slave, i didnt even know they were watching me eaither, i was painting 40k figures in a gaming store at the time,
latter that nite in a club downtown i finally saw them, he had her on a leash with her hands cuffed behind her back (which wasnt completely out of place as the club was a goth-industrial/rave bar), i was so intrigued i couldnt take my eyes off them, yet whenever they looked my way i would avert my eyes and allmost blush,
later in the evening i ran into her in the bathroom, she needed assistance to get into one of the stalls, and i helped her out, next thing i knew i was sitting at thier booth having a great time, and then after a couple hours it was on to thier house and well the rest was history....weg
my owner says it is a combination of things , ranging from body posture to eye contact and facial expression, to what we wear etc, he says once he talked to me for a few minutes he knew for sure i was slave material even if i didnt know it myself
And if you find out, let me know!Quote:
Originally Posted by SheUsesThem
So a very serious question... Do you think you would have been so open to "admitting" your interest and even going home if it had been just him? Or was the presence of his wife and the fact that she made first contact with you a factor?Quote:
Originally Posted by denuseri
Because I've noticed that I always get more attention with a woman on my arms than when I'm alone. (A phenomena that might make good fodder on a thread of its own.)
oh yes seeing a man with a woman is diffenetly a strange contributing phenomena, i honestly dont know if it would have made a difference for me i suppose it did sir.
i guess seeing a man with a woman is kinda proof that he must have something going for him right?
Personally for me that would be the end of interest in a man as it would mean off limits. My ménage ā trois fantasy is strictly two men. Or just a woman, hehe.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ozme52
On the other hand I did notice that my interaction with husband attracts attention in public. Most people a polite enough to be subtle in their interest so I usually either don't mind or simply ignore it, but there where a few times when women tried to "walk over me" and get His attention.
Our bdsm thing officially started with words "You do know you are submissive, right". He was stating, not asking.
Much later I asked Him how He had known before I knew it myself - he said it was the way I tilted my head. When I think back: I was more deferential with Him than anyone else (it annoyed the hell out of me but I couldn't help it, still cant, lol); when he stared at me I tried to stare back, but I always gave in and would lower my eyes and tilt my head to the side; I never objected when he took alpha liberties; when it came to sex, He started with little things like giving ordinary orders and seeing how I obeyed, some light "vanilla" bondage, controlling me with His voice. Not sure how to put it in words, but in general I was just softer with him than other people and he could see that, even when in casual company the tone with which I addressed Him was different than what I used with others.
You can never know for sure, but we all send vibes (Doms, submissives, gays) and if suspicious you start by little things and carefully observing reactions of the other party, ultimately however you have to have "the talk".
Actually the fact that my wife was my slave was never mentioned that first night when we brought Seri home with us.
We kept it very low key despite the outfit, which didn't distract in that club considering all the fetish wear the patrons sported.
If I rember correctly my wife and I didn't even field any slavery questions until after the first thee dates. Seri mentioned at dinner with us the next weekend something to the effect: "Are you two into bondage or something?" LOL.
Yes Ozme, alltough having a woman on my arm most of the time, I found the wedding ring alone was a girl magnet.
I can't count the times I was approached in bars by different girls, some brazingly infront of my wife and Seri (though most would wait until the girls were away from the table) and well over half of those were married. It is a most interesting phycological condition to observe, especially on those nights when we were allmost out right advertising our kink.
To be honest though, I think it is more a combination of projecting self confidence in conjunction with approaching the woman that is ripe to embrace her true nature, as opposed to finding the pre-existing submissive girl.
I have found throughout the years that most wemon; when in the presence of a dominant, sence his strength and crave to submit even if only subconsiously.
"Most interesting psychological condition", I suppose thats one way of putting it, :rolleyes:. LolQuote:
Originally Posted by Kuskovian
I was never jealous, as I know nothing turns him off more than a woman throwing herself at Him, but the rudeness off it is incredibly annoying.
One time we were at the party, standing next to a bar and talking. When this woman, fake tan, too much make up and dressed in a cheap looking (though it was probably expensive) barely there dress, comes over and elbows me aside and squeezes herself next to him, ignoring me completely and deliberately. They were speaking in French and I was a bit miffed to pay close attention, but their conversation went something like: "My friend thinks this dress is cut open too much?", while pushing her fake breasts at him. His answer was polite, "It is," but in a very insulting manner and grabbing my hand, dragging me away.
If I were not so stupidly polite, I regret not doing this :26: as farewell, lol. Its far from only example I have, but that one sticks as particularly brazen.
They sense alpha male and want to get him as a status symbol. They don't crave a Dominant to submit to him, but rather a nice male specimen to show off, own even. They aren't submissives, just sl**s and WAG wannabees.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuskovian
@ Adriana: *LMAO* I love the expression "barely there dress"!
@ Ozme and Kuskovian: It is true that to some women (maybe even most?) the fact he is taken, or the wedding band, make a man very attractive.
I donīt know why this is so. I myself am with Adriana here: If a man is taken, he is off limits. I find pursuing a taken person rude, cruel, and disgusting in the extreme.
I read in some psychology works that the reason for this attraction is: You have proven you are able to have a long-term relationship, so you are a desireable mate. Who knows.
But I also noticed that one gets more interest when one is in a happy relationship. Maybe it is the relaxed radiation *g*. Nothing is putting one off more than the desperate, whining, begging, nagging sort of guy who advertizes to all the world he is "single, needy, and seeking"...
I experienced the fact that a wedding band makes one more attractive (at least to assholes who look for a casual fuck and not a relationship) myself. And THAT after I thought the come-ons would stop, now that I was visibly taken (I donīt mean to show off, I donīt get that many come-ons, but if I am happy with my man I simply donīt WANT any come-ons from others! DUH!!)!
Hubby reported the same.
We donīt wear the wedding bands anymore for exactly that reason (and we enjoy the dumbfounded faces when we introduce each other on festivities and such, *LOL*).
Back on topic, now. My husband can tell what kinks people have if he looks at them for approximately 2 minutes - it is sufficient if he sees them interact with other people, it is not even necessary that he speaks with the person in question himself.
He cannot describe how he does it. He says he just "sees" it. He also says the majority of women he meets are submissive, no matter if they are aware of it or not.
I found it hard to believe, but after he told me what two of my closest friends were into (whom I had known for more than 10 years each, and whom he had only met once casually without having spoken much with them directly), I tend to believe his "impressions".
:-)
So true my Master, it was a very subtle thing. Smiles fondly as I remeber.
Just to clairify I also think its rude for a girl to prance up to another that is taken, my situation was somehwhat different as they approached me, and i am still so very happy they did.
Alltough I have a natural inclination to rebuff and or avoid the advances of a stranger, especially when i am owned, i also see it as a complimant to my owners taste that i am approached
inthe paticular case mentioned above i was just as intrigued by her as him, i was very curious, they both seemed very dominant to me when i think back on it and i never felt like i was in second place even though she was so obviously "first girl" i was glad to serve them both
That is so romantic! *Melts into a little puddle.*Quote:
Originally Posted by denuseri
And I guess I was looking more for signals in the vanilla world, workplace, grocery store, etc., than an a club, and it may be that i's a sixth sense and not something that can be described, but sort of wondering if someone won't look you in the eyes, sort of thing, but that could just mean shy, not submissive, or if someone steps out and lets you go first or holds a door, is just good manners, but what if they look down while they're doing it? I'm new to this, but there are a couple of guys at work I really wonder about, but obviously, couldn't just "have the talk"!
It may just be a matter of having an eye for it. And that wouldn't necessarily have anything to do with how dominant one is... one may just not have that 'gaydar-equivalent' capability.
I don't know if there're particular "signals", per se. I spent some time when I was younger seeking out people I thought had inclinations that way but hadn't pursued them. Corruption of the innocent is a strong motivator for me. ;)
I would look for someone who would give in and follow my instructions even though I was, essentially, a complete stranger. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to have this sort of interaction with someone. It can be as simple as changing their product selection at the grocery store ("No, no, that one's no good; you should try this.").
Another thing I looked for was in a handshake. I changed my handshake so that instead of gripping with all four fingers, I'd grip with my pinkie and ring finger while sliding my fore and middle fingers up their palm to their wrist. I have rather long fingers, so this would typically place my fingertips at or near their pulse point. For some reason, this unexpected intimacy gets a strong reaction from someone with a submissive bent. (Try it in a business setting and you're likely to be looked at oddly, though.)
(This next bit's going to get me into trouble with someone, I can feel it coming ...)
It's been my observation, that submissives tend to, in general, share many of the traits of those who wind up in abusive relationships. So those are the traits to look for -- someone who's already (or likely to) self-identifying as a submissive, though, will typically have more self-respect and sense of self-worth.
Wish I could contribute something constructive to this for ya, but I'm with most of the rest of the group in that, it's essentially a 6th sense thing for me. A couple minutes of watching someone, or talking to them and I usually get an instinctive feel if they are or not. Sorry
K
What a brilliant thread, thanks to all involved thus far.
I picked my wife/sub a mile away, I often had my suspicions. However one night a normal nilla party, she stated that her husband now her "EX" woudn't even tie her up. (I know you are all jumping to conclusions and you are all totally WRONG)
This comment confirmed my thoughts. About 2 years later her and her EX parted ways for good we have been VERY happily married for 11 years now!
Approx 5 years ago a mate of mine that is a sub married to a Dom, started asking questions and after we were al full of piss and bad manners answers stared to flow. I asked how he knew we were into the lifestyle, he and his Dom/wife both stated that they'd known for a while.
He said look at her now, you thought you were in a nilla house and she's sitting at your feet.
My wife/sub is a manager at a large company, and several days ago one of the young girls started to tell her about suspension bondage. Then went on to say "C'mon you know what I'm talking about" to my wife/sub.
Due to the professional side of things she didn't ask exacly how the young girl knew, however we are both wondering???
sub wears a normal kinda shop uniform and I am a tradesman and dress as such, yet I have had it asked of me many times???
chuckles I think its all in the body language. im very much a people watcher and tend to say yup they are into such n such then its fun to find out if i am right or not lol
Thank you all for your responses. I think it probably is mostly sixth sense, like OzMe said, similar to gaydar, but hopefully I'll also learn to recognize some signals, also. Thanks again, all
I've thought about this a bit further, and since you are trying to develop a sense for this sort of thing, maybe this might or might not help. Usually the easiest way to tell, for me anyways, is in talking to a person, doesn't matter what about, just small talk is sufficient and just see how that person interacts with you. Watch their body language, listen to the sound of their voice, where their eyes go, what sort of posture they have both before you approach and/or address them, and if it changes once you have... these are all things that factor into that sixth sense and if you train yourself to pay attention to them it may help you further it along in development and being able to recognize various "types" of people. Hope that helps some.
K
A guy once told me that my ankle bracelet was a tip off. It was a thick one I got in India. It really does toe the line between jewelry and chains.
I agree! My sub also wears an ankle bracelet.:bondage:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shwenn
just a lil nothingness i find ironically and a crap trait or whatever.. i like pretty boys with feminine manerisms. so before i found my man, every man i everhad a crush on, and even a few i had the guts to ask out were gay. :'( lucky for me finally that i was only half surprised when he said he was bi. yay me! and sub! hahaha. wich is always what i was wanting anyway.. . i think im just a gay guy with a detatchable penis rotflol. :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragoczy
You wouldn't have spotted me based on this. I don't do that with strangers, don't defer, don't agree, nothing. While it might be a good "short-hand" for doms to test the water, you also have to understand that this is also part of the "interview" done by a violent criminal/rapist looking for a mark.
This is common behavior to see if someone is a likely victim. Considering that I wouldn't know if the individual was a dominant or a rapist looking for a target, I don't in any way engage with that.
I also am not "generally submissive" in that, I don't feel compelled to fall under the domly domly power of any male within my range who happens to give off those sparks, even if I'm attracted/drawn to them.
I might banter/flirt, but I'm not going to be averting my eyes or backing down from the challenge.
You seem to prefer the idea of being conquered over the idea of submitting.
Those are two different traits, and some doms will be attracted to the one, while others will be attracted to the other.
Well, let's not forget the vast majority of rapists strike targets within their social or familial grouping. Most rapists do not bother with the interview portion of getting to know you. So you are, in fact, more likely to be 'interviewed" by someone who is just interested in getting to know you than in raping you.Quote:
You wouldn't have spotted me based on this. I don't do that with strangers, don't defer, don't agree, nothing. While it might be a good "short-hand" for doms to test the water, you also have to understand that this is also part of the "interview" done by a violent criminal/rapist looking for a mark.
I don't want to suggest you turn off your sensors and make yourself openly vunerable... but perhaps you are missing opportunities by having them turned up too high. ;)
Ozme, that's not exactly the case, no. I just don't "indiscriminately submit."
Assuming somehow that I don't have an actual drive to submit to someone because I don't just throw my submission at anyone's feet (they have to earn it), assumes wrongly that I have to be constantly "conquered."
Though I am definitely not every dominant's type.
"Want to submit" comes later, after the dominant in question has shown me he's worth my submission.
Theoretically, if I was on the market for a dominant, I might agree with you that I may have somehow missed some opportunities, but I'm not looking for them so given that, I tend to not give any indication that I'm easy prey to random people.
And yes you are correct that the vast majority of rapists do go for people they already in some way know, but a large portion of the stranger rapes that do occur, have an "interview" of sorts.
If I met you in a grocery store and you tried to change an item that I was buying I would say: "No, I like what I have, thanks." Because I would find that creepy behavior, even though I probably wouldn't automatically think "zomg he must be a rapist! penis! run away!"
You would walk away assuming I wasn't a submissive or something cause I know what I want at the grocery store and don't like random boobs messing with my shopping cart. And you would be incorrect in your assessment. :P
my master told me he could tell I was a submissive(when I was 14) because I wore this slave collar and I let any dominant/controlling guy pull me around by the leash, and if a girl who wasnt as controlling wanted to I wouldnt let her. he also said it was by the way I acted towrds controlling people, I never looked them in the eyes,I alwaysw bent my hea down when talking to them ect.
basically you can tell by body language
I think a few keys that I've noticed in submissive women, is that they tend to be very outgoing and strong on the surface. They like to be center of attention, commanding a room. She is organized and able to multitask, family, work, pets, kids, responsibilities. I know a lot of new Doms are usually surprised to find out that I'm submissive. Then after about a year, we talk again, and their usual response is "Wow, I can't believe I never realized you were a sub."
My experience has been that submissive women tend to be very tactile types who like attention, like touching people, and being touched, range widely in assertiveness, and tend to have more male friends.
I did meet a girl once who carried a leash around with her and that kinda clued me in.
I know that this may not help those looking for submissive women in a public place, but it might for those looking to see if the ones they are already with are.
It has been my experience that in the bedroom, and especially during sex, that I can tell if she is submissive. I think this has something to do with all the barriers coming down during an intimate act. All the walls, masks, and acting drops and you can truly see them for their true desires. I have found three of my past lovers were submissive this way. Two of which during the day were ones that you would not think were submissive.
What to look for?
If, like a dance, she lets you lead the sex.
If she looks at your pleasure first to her own.
Just my thoughts...
While it sounds good... it just isn't true in my opinion.Quote:
Originally Posted by Havensov
Might I suggest that, like dancing, she just may think it's appropriate to let the man lead the sex. But that doesn't mean she has given over ANY sort of power exchange. It doesn't mean there is a hint of the Bottom within her.
And as to the other... selfless doesn't mean submissive. In fact, a woman who willingly spreads her legs solely for my pleasure but takes none for herself, who does so merely for her love of me... well, it's actually a passion killer.
well i am a sub turned slave and i can tell You that the biggest tip off is, WHEN IN A PUBLIC SETTING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE, we subs, at least me and the other subs that i know, are louder, extremely opinionated, can almost seem bitchy. BUT WHEN REMOTELY ALONE.... if the sub likes You they will seem to have almost a completely different personality.... of course this is if the sub likes you...which is probably what You want, we become much more "outwardly-submissive" or we tend to try to drop hints in seemingly round about ways. When trying to test out a Dom we like to subtley do "submissive" things... i cannot name specifics but we definately DO NOT like to make eye contact when alone with someone else if they are talking in even a slightly dominant manner. But we definately will drop slight verbal hints... it can be a reoccuring tone of the stories that they tell... there WILL be a submissive undertone that is easy to see but hard to pin-point........
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THIS IS SOMETHING OTHERS HAVE NOTICED
i MAY JUST HAVE MESSED UP HEHE
I think Mia'Cova could tell by my body language and by my demeanor when we first met. He led me carefully that first day. I have a difficult time meeting people's eyes when I speak with them, but not necessarily because it is a submissive trait, but beause it feels so intimate. After about 1/2 an hour I was gazing into his eyes, even though I was nervous at first.
He would ask me leading questions, "Do you want to do this?" and "Is this ok to do?" and see my reactions. He wasn't really asking for permission, so much as GIVING me permission to want those things... if you see what I mean.
*sigh*
I'm not explaining myself very well and I don't think I've helped. LOL Perhaps he can explain how he knew I was his sub better than I can.
I think that's excellent, BG. I've had that feeling many times. The Dom can only lead you submit but the sub has to decide to.Quote:
Originally Posted by BryansGrrrl
Having used the term "gaydar" myself before this, I realise now that the only proper term for it is "asdic". As in, what you use to locate subs...Quote:
Originally Posted by SheUsesThem
I think you may have a point here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Submit2Dom{W_W}
The first girl I ever tied up for sex was a tough bitch in public, but when we were kissing I noticed that she got hotter if I held her wrists. So I started pinning them behind her or out to the sides and she couldn't get enough of it... After I first tied her up she said "How did you know I wanted that?" and I said "You told me."
But with more experience I've learnt to spot the signs without getting that close, even if my "asdic" is intuitive and I mostly don't know what's clueing me in. I remember once when I was in a new counselling group and we were doing the round of introductions, and as one girl spoke up I felt the buzz and thought "Her, eh?" I didn't do anything about it, because it's very bad form to hit on your counselling partners; but I was open about my own tastes with the group, and months later she phoned me because she'd been getting overwhelming masochistic fantasies and I was the only person she knew who wouldn't think she was sick. I was glad to be able to help, but I also had a smug little feeling of "I knew that!"
LMAO leo. Very Brit of you. In the US, we'd say sonar.Quote:
Originally Posted by leo9
Thanks Oz for that translation. I wondered why I wasn't quite getting it - all I could think of was ass & dick.