Are some doms insecure?

After talking to a sub recently on MSN messenger after not talking to her for a long time. She said she was not aloud to talk to other Dom’s as her master did not allow it.
I said fine if that’s what her master wishes then so be it.

Was talking to my slave after that about not being aloud to talk to other masters,I never laid that down to her, she’s new and I wish her to make friends. She is aloud to talk to any Dom that she whish’s. Anyway she seems to think it made a Dom look weak and insecure and I had to agree.

So as Masters/Mistress are we insecure or is it just the level of control that a top likes over his/her slave?

im not a dom, but id think that her not being allowed to talk to other doms could be a sign of insecurities. Or that is just him expressing his power over her.



and ps. :cayvvotg:

I agree with Shayna, although trying to have that much control not letting them talk to someone else who is dominant, could also be a sign of insecurities.

Master allows me to talk to anyone I want to. The only rule about chatting is that I am not allowed to 'play' with other men. Women on the other hand is a different story......he thinks that's hot.

sorry off topic! hehehe

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Originally Posted by satisfied{SW}

Master allows me to talk to anyone I want to. The only rule about chatting is that I am not allowed to 'play' with other men. Women on the other hand is a different story......he thinks that's hot.

sorry off topic! hehehe

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so there is a chance for me? ;)

*wiggles eyebrows*:hubba: you never know!!!

well maybe, but it sounds more like the dom has a jealousy issue

I'm allowed to talk to other Doms. Assuming the other Doms speak to me on a respectful level and don't transcend friendship. But, honestly... that is more of a personal rule. It feels disrespectful to me and my Master if another Dom is flirty with me.

A sub asked me the same question some time back as someone wanting to become her Master had forbid her talking to others. My reply was that such rules were not ones that I would use. I did not say so at the time but my belief was that it was very much a sign of insecurity. It may also indicate a lack of experience, after all I believe most experienced Masters are comfortable with their position and know that a sub serves them through love and respect.

Obviously each Master/Dom may wish to set individual limits, as others have mentioned above, but to forbid any contact with others seems draconian.

As Domme, I have noticed I have had different rules for each sub. One I might restrict a bit more as far as "playing" with other Dom/mes, but as far as talking, they are allowed to talk in open chat but no private chats.
I would like to mention that I seem to be more strict with this type of rule with my female subs rather than my boy.
I dont know why this is except that I seem to trust that my boy could handle himself a little better against a persistant Dom/me than my girl who seems to get uneasy when approached, so for her comfort we have made the rule of not talking to Dom/mes other than on a superficial level with the exception of my friends that I know and can assure her that are safe.
Now my boy can speak with anyone he chooses, however he is not allowed to be disciplined in ANY way by another Dom/me, he can talk adn tease in open chat as he pleases, but if there is an issue and another Dom/me tries to exert a discipline, I am to be told and I will take care of it accordingly.
So i understand the idea of not letting a sub/slave not play with another Dominant, but not speaking esp in a public chat or telling a sub that they cannot talk to someone that they have developed a friendship only with before the Dominant came into their life is a def sign of insecurity or mistrust of the loyalty of the sub/slave...
just my 2 cents!

Well ... I can see both sides of it. I personally see that as a huge lack of trust and respect between Dom and sub.

That said, one must also take into consideration the fact that the way some Dom's work (as many of the subs on this forum can attest to I'm sure through the unsolicited private messages they've received). Some Dom's seem to believe that they have power over any sub and this could be seen as a way to halt anyone else from abusing the controlling Dom's power.

Much like the majority of BDSM, it's a fine line.

My Master has no problem with me talking with other doms or even flirting a little because he knows that I would never cross the line and that I can handle myself. He also knows that HE is the only one who can control me and that he's the only one I want to control me. Not only that but he has 100% trust in me and knows I tell him everything anyway.

I previously had a dom who didn't allow me to talk in private with others - not because he was insecure in our relationship although it was only online (unlike now) but because he wanted to protect me and I was new to the lifestyle at the time, and I must admit it was a great way to get rid of unwanted whisperers by saying loudly in room sorry my master doesn't allow me to pm. Now I've grown so much in confidence I don't need to hide behind my master and can stand up for myself - something he admires in me and what brought us together.

I would say that more often than not, it is a sign of insecurity. I can think of scant few non-insecure reasons for such a rule. Doms, just like anyone else, can be insecure. However, just like in regular relationships, acting insecure rarely looks favorable upon that person.

Restricting play is one thing but talking does lead you to think there are some insecurity issues. But again it could just be an over zealous, for the majority of us it seems, exertion of control.

To begin with, what is or is not ok in a certain relationship should be decided between the partners, and they owe no justification to anyone else.

Forbidding all conversation/information seeking outside the relationship is another matter - that is a sign of an insecure control freak who will quite likely end up harming the sub.

I would not assign insecurity as a rule for forbidding talk to other Doms. It is after all a fact that there is a huge load of fakes - guys (or perhaps women as well) who just want to get off quickly and don´t care about the person they speak with, and who are not really interested in the BDSM dynamics.
It is possible her Dom is just protecting her in that regard.
I know of many subs who have restrictions in that area - though usually they are allowed to _talk_, but not to play with other Doms.

It has also been know to happen that a Dom lured a sub away from her Master, but honestly - if that happens, something was not all right with the first relationship to begin with. And it always takes _two_ people to make such a decision. Subs are not brainless items that can be "stolen" oder "taken" against their own will.

I myself have no restrictions regarding communications (except that I am not allowed to take anybody else´s collar), and I would not take well to something like that, either. However, I am married to my Dom in r/l, and he has known me long enough to judge me and know my mindset.
He knows very well that in some areas, I will not listen to well-meant advice, but need to make my own bad experiences to stay away from something.

Which happened on here as well, and which is the reason for my not going into private convo with any males except MasterStone anymore, who proved to be trustworthy in the extreme to me.

arria, you have a good head on your shoulders for the most part. Communications discipline is one aspect of discipline. It may be for punshment, it may be for other issues. It is NOT for others (outside the relationship) to comment on or make judgements about.

Am I the only Dom who finds it rather interesting that so many subs feel free to make a judgement on Dominants?

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Originally Posted by Miner

Am I the only Dom who finds it rather interesting that so many subs feel free to make a judgement on Dominants?

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But this is a forum where free expression of opinion outside of the roles we play with particular partners is what's expected and encouraged. You may call it a 'judgement on Doms' but I see it as sharing advice, opinion and experience. And where does it say that being a sub means you can never offer an opinion about the role of a Dom? We are speaking with sub experience, not in the role of subs. It's entirely appropriate here.

I would also be interested in what other Doms think about this but frankly I would be very surprised if they felt there was something wrong that subs feel free to speak out here, even about Doms, just as they are doing.

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

But this is a forum where free expression of opinion outside of the roles we play with particular partners is what's expected and encouraged. You may call it a 'judgement on Doms' but I see it as sharing advice, opinion and experience. And where does it say that being a sub means you can never offer an opinion about the role of a Dom? It's entirely appropriate here.

I would also be interested in what other Doms think about this but frankly I would be very surprised if they felt there was something wrong that subs feel free to speak out here, even about Doms, just as they are doing.

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I agree with you 100% Pearl - there is nothing wrong with having an opinion on the role of a dom or sub and sharing it here in the forums - that is exactly what the forums are for in my opinion.

I am wondering if a dom who is concerned that subs are discussing issues is not a tiny little bit insecure themselves??

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Originally Posted by tiamat

I am wondering if a dom who is concerned that subs are discussing issues is not a tiny little bit insecure themselves??

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you must have been reading my mind hun, we may be submissive but noone said we had to mindless robots with no opinions of our own

for my two penn'orth worth, yes i think some doms are insecure, but i think they tend to be young ones with little experience. im allowed to talk to anyone i want...but for my preference, i dont play with other Doms.

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Originally Posted by Miner

Am I the only Dom who finds it rather interesting that so many subs feel free to make a judgement on Dominants?

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Dear Miner

Firstly, thanks.

As for the question: People will always judge people, in- and outside the BDSM context.

It is my impression that the discussion of such things is mainly done to protect subs, as a bad person can do way more harm as a dom to a sub than vice versa. And I think that´s important.

Doms are people like everybody else, and why should they be above judgement? Moreover, the entry post was made by a dom...

And as the others already pointed out: This is a forum. A forum is a platform for discussion.

see below - got timed out

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Originally Posted by tiamat

I am wondering if a dom who is concerned that subs are discussing issues is not a tiny little bit insecure themselves??

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Lol tiamat - why not ask my girl about that?

In my experience as a Dom there are a lot of reasons where communications restrictions can be a discipline issue. I have certainly used them in that way in the past. They can also be a sign of insecurity. Which is it? Without knowing the details behind the ban there is no way to determine that. I would have thought people would look for possible reasons besides the obvious.

In terms of this being a forum - I have no objection to fora at all - I just find it interesting that a question addressed to Dom/mes was being answered by subs for the most part. Was my comment perjorative? No, not at all. Just a comment (plus, I do so like to stir the pot - lmao)

(I hate the way the site times me out though)

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Originally Posted by Miner

In terms of this being a forum - I have no objection to fora at all - I just find it interesting that a question addressed to Dom/mes was being answered by subs for the most part. Was my comment perjorative? No, not at all. Just a comment (plus, I do so like to stir the pot - lmao)

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Well, the question was in the 'BDSM Talk' section which is role neutral, but also, Doms and subs traditionally chip in their 'two cents worth' to each other's posts on here which to my mind adds that interesting extra dimension to them. And consider the numbers of female subs on here and how communicative we tend to be - how dreary the forums would be without us!

Yes, that is one of the things I really like about this forum. Even in the dom and sub specific sections, it is possible for everyone to give input. It often gives interesting insights, from both sides.

I am on a German forum where doms write in the dom section and subs write in the sub section... there are also sections for both... but it happens very often that a topic which comes up in the role specific sections meets so much interest that the "other party" wants to discuss it as well.
In those cases, it becomes necessary to open an extra thread in the respective other section. Very tedious.
Moreover I think it unfair that switches are allowed to post in both... it even happens that people change their settings to "switch" just in order to become able to write in a certain thread, which renders the whole thing pointless, in my opinion...

And as Pearlgem said: It seems also to me as if the female subs were a lot more talkative than the doms. *lol*

I made the mistake of attempting to task another dom's sub without permission, right here on this site. .... Well after a very good tongue lashing, by the sub no less, I apologized profusely by the way, I find that whatever people D/s's alike agree upon in their business, and should be respected.

My sub/wife and I are taking it very slow, I chat and research and she reads stories, but if she voiced a desire to talk to other Doms, I could only see that as her trying to find out how better to please me.

What I think another Dom does or doen't allow his sub to do, is nothing. That is their business. If the sub in this relationship is not being harmed, what's the big deal?

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

But this is a forum where free expression of opinion outside of the roles we play with particular partners is what's expected and encouraged. You may call it a 'judgement on Doms' but I see it as sharing advice, opinion and experience. And where does it say that being a sub means you can never offer an opinion about the role of a Dom? We are speaking with sub experience, not in the role of subs. It's entirely appropriate here.

I would also be interested in what other Doms think about this but frankly I would be very surprised if they felt there was something wrong that subs feel free to speak out here, even about Doms, just as they are doing.

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This type of forum is here, so that we can discuss and share information, to have a better and safer time doing what we like to do. I say "LAY IT ALL OUT THERE, FOR ALL TO SEE"! Because if you have nowhere to voice your concerns or opinions, or no forum to exchange information, you end up with people getting hurt in very baaaadd ways. We don't want that. Let's not forget about the horror stories that are so prevalent in our lifestyle!

Well everyone judges everything if we did not judge we would pick out a sub/dom-me/girlfriend/mate/fuck buddy/wife/husband/friend...ect but just walking up to a random person and ask them to be one of those things----subs are not mindless nitwits the are intileted to their opinions just as much as us dominants are to ours

I think it's interesting that a conversation that i did not have, a talk with my pet and a post on a forum. I never thought is would have so much controversy.

I can see both sides of the coin and even though I have been round the scene for a long time, I have always wondered about the insecurities side of things. Cause some Dom’s will think I’m insecure just by posting this thread, but that’s not why i did it. I did it because it's an issue i seem to come across more and more.

The reasons behind a ban of speaking to other Dom’s that has come up are interesting to me, because it never crossed my mind to ban my pet from talking to anyone.
I can also see how some Dom’s would use it as a way of protecting there subs from harm of others, especially if they are new to the lifestyle.

Even though I have been doing this for 10 years, i still think there is a lot to learn from the older more experienced members of the library and sometime the new members have great ideas. With that said i think that a subs opinion at times is more important than a Dom’s because the sub it on the receiving end. But I do value both opinions to learn from and give me a fuller picture.

El x

When limits are developed and agreed upon, and rules are developed I would hope they would be for the good of the Sub.

Given that to pass judgement on someone, based on tertiary information is probably not the best approach. there just is not enough information to say that this is insecurity or wrong.

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Originally Posted by efwb2

After talking to a sub recently on MSN messenger after not talking to her for a long time. She said she was not aloud to talk to other Dom’s as her master did not allow it.

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I was once told this. it was when I was new & didn't know any better re: OL dating. What I came to realize was that he was sheltering me from meeting other (potentially more experienced) Doms. Once I became more educated I saw that most Doms encouraged meeting new people & making friends I dropped him. Not sure if it was insecurity or unrealistic expectations but something just wasn't.....right.....

If my pet is approached by another dominant for anything besides the most casual of conversations, she is required to ask permission to even speak to him (or to continue the conversation, if it was already going). Often, that permission will be denied.

I don't feel any more insecure about this than I feel insecure for locking my front door at night. She's my property, it's not her decision who she can and cannot talk to. It's mine, and she trusts me to make it intelligently on her behalf.

When a man comes into the periphery of her life, I want her to be constantly on edge about how I will react, and conscious of my approval with regard to her interactions with him. Hell, if she flirts too much in a DREAM, she'd better wake up and apologize.

I'm going to offer the minority opinion (for this thread, anyway) that a Master often does know best in this regard- if I as a Dom issue an edict preventing communication with Doms besides myself, I'm making a very symbolic statement and risking little. Let's face it- there are a lot of mouth-breathers out there who are not worth talking to. I think my pet can survive without hearing PrinceVegetaDom7626's opinion on enemas.

And of course, if she doesn't like the way I curtail her, my pet can always walk away.

She's still right here, clinging to my leg with her eyes lowered to the floor. That should tell you all you need to know.

-IC

I have never been "banned" from speaking to other Doms/Masters, but having a private chat is simply something I would never do. It just doesn't feel right. I believe it would be disrespectful to my Master.

I don't have any issues talking on open forums, or in open chat (if I were ever to have time to do such a thing again), but private chat is different.

I view it like this.... in real life, at a party, I wouldn't think it to be a problem to have a conversation with a Dom, or even a vanilla man, in a room with other people around. I do think it would be improper to go into a private area with him to have a chat on our own.

The exception would be, of course, friends who both Master and I know, and who's intentions are clear. But strangers/acquaintances? I just don't feel the need to engage in private conversation.

Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

-lily

"And as Pearlgem said: It seems also to me as if the female subs were a lot more talkative than the doms. *lol* "

LOL, indeed- and this was a surprise, why?;)

Some people are insecure, Dom's are still a subset of people last I checked. It stands to reason that some doms would therefore be insecure.

I have seen a certain level of what I would term insecurity, but my opinion is hardly definitive. If a dom and a sub agree- mutually- to be exclusive I can understand not playing with others and so forth, but banning people from using IMs, Whispers, PMs, and so on seems a little over the top.

Trust is fundamental in any relationship, and vital in a BDSM one. I personally prefer to trust to my partner's discretion, but everyone has their own methodology. As long as it's working for the two people involved; that's the only meaningful yardstick, in my (highly overinflated and self-important) opinion :)