Is it a sign of weakness to ask another Dom/sub for advice on how to be a good Dom/sub? or is it just not done?
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Is it a sign of weakness to ask another Dom/sub for advice on how to be a good Dom/sub? or is it just not done?
No, it is called shared experience. Or I see it.Quote:
Originally Posted by A DELF
Subs do it a lot more, though, perhaps from this idea that a Dom must be born perfect. An idea that both some subs and some Doms seem to have. A great shame, as it can get in the way of growth.
well said thir... "born perfect" - lmao!
if only more Doms did this! in fact, if only more had the humility to say "what do you think of how i behave?" and actually listened to the answers they might get, from Doms and subs alike.
I don't see it as a sign of weakness- as a sub I've asked for advice and also given it and found it was helpful in both ways. I think if less experienced Doms do ask for advice from their more experienced counterparts it can only be a good thing too.
If nothing else asking advice from people can give a different and wider perspective on something and can help growth which is always helpful. I think some of the biggest issues/problems/difficulties can come from living in a bubble and believing only you know the right way.
I appreciate the comments. I just want to make sure that I dont end up looking like some of those asses ~we have all seen them~ out there.
I fear you would look like "one of those asses" pretty soon when NOT asking questions.Quote:
Originally Posted by A DELF
You should ask questions. Anywhere, anytime, to anyone. Even and especially to your partner.
Asking questions is a sign of intelligence, it shows that you are eager to learn, to become more experienced. It's not a sign of weakness, but one of strength.
Of strength because it shows you're not afraid to take responsabilities to a higher level through the knowledge of who, what, why, how and when... ;)
JJ
I think the best way to run the risk of looking like *those asses* is by NOT asking the advice of others. If it weren't for the input of other people, I'm sure I'd be doing more harm than good in my bdsm relationships.
Excellent question, btw. I hope all the people out there who think asking for advice from others shows weakness get a chance to read this.
No, it isn't weakness, it is weakness when you don't ask. One word of advise, if you are new to this do some on line research. Don't expect to be "spoon feed" everything you need to know. For most doms don't offer DOM 101.
Once information or advice is given take it and weight it, make that information work for you. For how it works for one may not be suited for the next. One other thing the information or advise you are requesting form someone is their views and they shouldn't be judges on their views for like i said it works for them. They can only light the dark path and send you in the right direction.
ShadePayne
Beloved Pet of MasterStone
What my pet says is true you can get advise but take it with a grain of salt...what works for one wont work for everyone...tons so site to do research on.....and tons of people to ask.....i would suggest even good old psycology books on the subject....hell even some real books on it lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by JimmyJump
Thank you for your advice, I have been to many sites that the people their were just intolerable. It is nice to finally found a place that welcomes someone. Questions and all
I agree with what you say, just because I may ask for advice does not make me naive.Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterStone
I consistently read and travel the web about this subject. I do not wish to be spoon-fed as you put it. I just dont want to "walk against traffic" either.Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadePayne
It's a sign of intelligence and very sensuous curiosity to ask for advice ...
If you do not ask you will not learn. I would call it a sign of strength that you accept that you need advice and feel able to ask for it. Feel free to ask questions and people here will try to answer. You need to talk and communicate - it is the best way to expand your knowledge.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thir
Wise words, thir.
Although I'd like to add that some Doms have put that burden of perfectness unto themselves by being too pre-occupied with being The Almighty, instead of taking care of the needs of their sub. Because, in my humble view, true dominance comes forth out of the dilligence and minute attentiveness the Dom has for his/her sub ... ;)
JJ
A bigger sign of weakness is not asking for advice or assistance from those with greater experience. Not only are you doing yourself a dis-service but you could harm your submissive if you attempt some things without proper training--blood play, rope work, fire are the biggest examples but there are plenty of other things that you won't learn from a book or porn site.
Post questions that you might have or search the forums to see if the question has been asked before. If you need a mentor, look around forums like these and see which Dominants/Tops give responses that you respect.
I agree with everyone so far. Too many doms, esp new doms, jump into this lifestyle thinking its going to come second-nature. I know b/c i was the same way. But before I started looking for my sub, I decided to read the forums on this site and many others. By the end of that first day, I knew I had alot to learn. So don't get discouraged if you come to a stop and arn't sure what to do. Hell if nothing else, send me an email, i'd be glad to help. Goodluck on your journey.
Master Eq
I have an experienced dom offering me advice & mentoring to help me be the best domme I can to my new sub. It's very helpful to have someone who's familiar with the situation & who knows me that I can go to with questions. I think I'm definitely learning & gaining insight more quickly from him than I could on my own, although it will still take time to gain the experience I want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
Yes, look around a bit. Asking questions that have been asked and answered hundreds of times will get you little in the way of good responses. Asking for clarification though will make it clear you bothered to do some advance work and will earn you points (so to speak) amongst the community.
Look around a bit. Look at the variety of styles so you can pick the advice of those you like best. Everything you hear won't necessarily work together.
Good advice E.
First of all I didn't say you were being "spoon feed" and if you can't take what i said after asking a question......there is weakness.......so the best of luck to you.
Apologies, if I came off sarcastic that was not my intentions. I appreciate all the advice I have been given. I meant NO disrespect.Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadePayne
One thing i think is quite important is not to claim to be something your not, and hope to catch up later by asking questions.
If you are not an experianced dom/sub this is nothing to be ashamed of, and being honest about this i believe makes any relationship last a lot longer. Once you have accepted this and you arent in the mindset that you know everything (which lets face it no one does) then its quite reasonable to seek out knowledge from other sources and defiantly isnt a sign of weakness in my eyes.
Arch
it's all a learning process & there is nothing shameful in asking questions, in fact it's probably better (and sometimes safer) to get answers before you start...
I don't see it as a sign of weakness. I think it's good to share ideas & experiences because we all react differently to different techniques and it's important to learn what works best for you and your submissive.
Good luck,
~ openlyrefined
I agree with 99.95% of what you say except the eager to learn....I think itQuote:
Originally Posted by JimmyJump
allows you hear others thoughts, and ideas of others, thus helps you create your own ideas.
I consider it an excellent choice to ask other doms/dommes, which is part of the reason I joined here.
The learning process almost all of the time consists of absorbing information, sorting out what's 'relevant' and/or 'irrelevant' and use what's left to form your own idea/concept/way of life...Quote:
Originally Posted by nighttimestar
The result of knitting together all that 'relevant' information and using it, is called experience ;)
JJ
I have not asked much in my 15 years of BDSM. At first beacuse i didnt really have anyone to ask. Later on because i didnt respect anyone i could ask.
I could well be just a hardhead and generally lack respect for people. But what i met back then was all ego's and BS to me. So maybe theres two sides to that story.
What i did intstead was study the hard way, novels, articles and so on. But deep down i am a loner and i dont take words on right and wrong to heart really. Telling me right or wrong back in the day just ment i had to try the contrary.
Im finally asking a little theese days, when i come across people who can assert themselves without making it a pissing match. Probably by now i got most philosophy and tecnique sorted in my head, but clearly i got more to learn. I doubt id have the same respect for my craft if i had learned it all off some mentor or teacher.
But i would definately have learned more than my years suggest. Quite likely if i had been on a site like this back then id have a different perspective. But i didnt meet people like the ones i found here back then.
Only signs of weakness i know of is pretending to be all that and claiming to know it all.
Since asking questions aint on the list well get on with it. I know i will.
Well said, thir! *lol*
I myself donīt hold people who do NOT seek to learn through their whole lifetime in particularly high regard. BDSM does not make an exception.
I tend to ask other subs when I have trouble with doing something, and even ask Doms I trust about their point of view on certain issues.
I found the people on this site very helpful and supportive in this regard.
If anyone tries to make you feel bad about wanting to ask/attain more knowledge - they are not worth your time.
Good luck with your search and learning.
How is one ever to learn if they don't ask questions? we really weren't born knowing everything. i look at it as if i don't ask i could end up paying for it later. So i've talked to other subs/slaves and we've learned from each other.
On the other hand i know some Doms view it as something (what idk) to ask another Dom questions. But my Top asks, and asks, and asks some more. He's starting out in the rope world (where i'd say it's mildly important to ask and learn as much as possible to remain safe). He goes and watches all the good Rope Tops and askes them questions. (note: where it's good to ask questions, know there is a proper time and place for it).
~j~
Asking other dom/mes for advice and opinions is always a good idea. Availing yourself of the knowledge and experience of others is the easiest way to learn safely. If asking a question means you're less likely to do something upsetting (or downright dangerous) then it has to be well worth the effort.
I would also say that asking questions of experienced submissives and switches is a great way to learn. We all have to start somewhere; when I began researching BDSM I found a million and one resources for submissives, but for dominants? Yeah, good luck finding anything, which is what drew me to this site.
IMO, being so pre-occupied with the appearance of strength that you neglect to make use of the wisdom of others is a sure-fire sign of weakness and insecurity. Educated is what you aim to be coming out, not going in, and everything is an opportunity to learn.
*Steps off soap box, looking sheepish.*
Uh, yeah. That's probably enough pontificating from me, hope it wasn't too bad :o
When i first joined this site and made it known that both i and my Dom are very new to this lifestyle i received many offers of help from others. We have both learned a great deal from those who made those offers and find those interactions to provide feedback and information very attuned with what we are looking for.
This site includes a wide variety of people and therefore an amazing opportunity to gain great perspectives. However, as a wise friend of mine is quick to point out "there is no ONE RIGHT WAY" for this lifestyle. If you refrain from asking questions and seeking input or advice you may well miss the things that would help you make your Dom/sub relationship the best it can be.
Asking here was a great start and hopefully your question will free others to ask more questions. One of the Doms earlier in this tread mentioned seeking a mentoring type relationship with someone whom you respect. I agree with this whole heartedly. By reading through the forums and spending time in the chat room you will quickly find which people you gravitate toward. Most of the time if you PM that person and respectfully ask for help they will respond positively.
Finally, by not asking or seeking to learn throughout your relationships you take the risk of allowing your Dom/sub relationship to stagnate. That would be a shame.
Thanks for asking this question - i know i'm learning from the responses!