i'm not trying to be a prude, here...

A Question for all of the Dom/Domme's out there:

as i've been looking through this site, i'm finding a surprising number of...hmm, how should i put this delicately?...oldER men and women out there in relationship to the number of youngER men and women.

so, my question is: are there any Dom/Domme's out in the vast bdsm world who are thirty or younger??

like i put in the title, i'm not trying to be prude and i know "age is just a number", but i'm already getting inquiries on online training from those in their late 50s to early 60s. as um flattering as that is, that really isn't my preference. i'm a young sub *possibly* who is searching for an older and experienced Dom/Domme, but within a certain age range.
look, i just want answers and i'm not trying to be a complete jerk about it. i would appreciate if those willing to respond will do so with honest answers.

wishing everyone well,
alittlecuriousgirl

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Originally Posted by alittlecuriousgirl

so, my question is: are there any Dom/Domme's out in the vast bdsm world who are thirty or younger??

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Of course there are. They generally call themselves "nextgen" when promoting their munches and gatherings. That usually means 30 and under in attendance.

Happy hunting.

There are a few out there. It's difficult to find them that are experienced enough to give training that is robust, due to a young age limiting the amount of experience they were able to garner.

Another reason you don't find as many younger male Dominants is for the most part men take a while to mature enough to understand what it is they are looking for, and so hit that early to mid thirties range before they even begin to look. There are exceptions of course.

Female Dommes who are young are around, but even more rarely so. I'm not sure why that is, but I think it has something to do with how many male submissives are out there, and so they really don't have to put themselves out there to much to find what they want.

You're best bet is if your not looking for online is to try your local group, and use the contacts there.

There are plenty of young Dom/mes. I've seen inexperienced older folks and some young folks that just seem to be naturals, so I'd suggest taking everyone with a grain of salt. Just because they say that they have the One Twoo Way, be they 19 or 91, doesn't mean that they do, or that that Way will work for you.

Some younger Dom/mes are probably on this site. You might also try Fet Life. Look in the groups in your area and there will be an "under 35" group, or a Next Gen, or some other age-related designation. Those groups started for just the reasons you say - to some it might be, "um, flattering" to be approached by an older person, and to some it's not.

Funny, isn't it? We, more 'mature' players think there aren't enough of us and too many young ones. Just a matter of perspective, I guess.
Anyway, good luck finding the right one(s). Have fun.

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Originally Posted by IDCrewDawg

You're best bet is if your not looking for online is to try your local group, and use the contacts there.

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couldn't agree more, when I first went looking, it was online for the most part. Wasn't until I got involved in my local group that I found that "hey wow! there are LOTS of young people!"

Also if you are new to the 'online-scene' you'll realize that lots and lots of people will contact you... on this site I'll politely decline, on a site like collarme, most subs will just ignore requests they aren't interested in because I found that a lot of these people respond with hostility and I'm going on a tangent here.

I also found that a lot of people say that 'young Dom/mes don't exist or don't know what they are doing' and it was something I really sorta believed until I got in touch with my local scene...

You see, they're kinda 'old school' around here and all the 'new' Dom/mes learn by spending time as a sub with the more experienced Dom/mes. I quote "it's the best way to learn" and watching people and how they interact etc. really gives good insight to someone's play style.

With my local scene, there wasn't any stigma with the 'younger crowd' ... it was 'unfamiliar faces' that people were more worried about and hey, you go to munches, you go to events etc. and they WILL get to know you.

I do like fetlife, actually my local group are all on there, and at munches it's easier to refer to each other by screen-names because hey, we go online every day but munches are once a week.

Gosh...just imagine what we'd miss if we ignored whole groups of people based on age and/or experience (or lack thereof).

Maybe you're not "romantically/sexually" interested in the "older" group...but a lot of great friendships will never have the chance if you're not willing to try.

Good luck to you! :)

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Originally Posted by SirStef

Funny, isn't it? We, more 'mature' players think there aren't enough of us and too many young ones. Just a matter of perspective, I guess.
Anyway, good luck finding the right one(s). Have fun.

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i didn't post this question to disrespect anyone by any means. i am not at all suggesting that older Dom/mes is "eww" or anything like that. in fact, that are truthfully a possibility.

i posted the question because i was curious as to why there in fact was such a considerable age gap. i'm pretty young and so the idea of having a dom/me old enough to be my grandfather/mother hovering over me still squees me out.

*and no, i don't normally use 'squees' to describe my reaction to something. just a side note*
sincerest apologies,
alittlecuriousgirl

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Originally Posted by alittlecuriousgirl

A Question for all of the Dom/Domme's out there:

as i've been looking through this site, i'm finding a surprising number of...hmm, how should i put this delicately?...oldER men and women out there in relationship to the number of youngER men and women.

so, my question is: are there any Dom/Domme's out in the vast bdsm world who are thirty or younger??

like i put in the title, i'm not trying to be prude and i know "age is just a number", but i'm already getting inquiries on online training from those in their late 50s to early 60s. as um flattering as that is, that really isn't my preference. i'm a young sub *possibly* who is searching for an older and experienced Dom/Domme, but within a certain age range.
look, i just want answers and i'm not trying to be a complete jerk about it. i would appreciate if those willing to respond will do so with honest answers.

wishing everyone well,
alittlecuriousgirl

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i guess i should apologize for my question, because i seemed to have stated it in a very impolite manner.
i am not by any means ruling out starting friendships with those older than myself. i am also not ruling out being with a dom/me older than myself. i am beginning to think with the way i just inserted myself into this forum that i've probably destroyed any chance of friendships or relationships *deep sigh*.
so again, i apologize if i've insulted anyone by my question.
sincerely.
alittlecuriousgirl

While I can't argue completely with you, i have found most people on here are older (most actually pretty chill though), but there are a few in here in the lifestyle that are "under 30". I barely meet that requirement, but look young as shit...shit get carded going to R rated movies. keep your head up, you'll find some fellow youngens

I don't think you were really offensive, it's a fair enough question. I know what you mean, i'm young, and whilst i'm attracted to older men i sort of drawn the line at 40plus. I mean, i get why there's quite a few older doms totally, but it's not unreasonable to be more drawn to people closer to your own age.

I saw nothing offensive in your original post.

When I was a young man I had both upper and lower age limits that appealed to me. Lower because I couldn't be bothered with immature types who didn't know what they wanted or who expected me to be one of many suitors "orbiting" them awaiting a condescending smile. Upper because I had no desire to be seen as a boytoy.

But my best relationships were all with older women who knew what they wanted and weren't "coy" about it.

There is a lot of sexual heat generated by lustful desire.

Nothing wrong with being lusted after.

Why are there so many age disparate relationships?

One of the attractants in the lifestyle is experience and confidence. Those two traits "usually" come with age. So, many younger lifestylers are drawn to older lifestylers who know there way around a dungeon... or who have the patience that comes with experience to bring along a younger partner... and certainly we have the "advantage" of a "slowing sexual response", which many young subs find attractive. ;)

On the other hand I was exceptionally experienced and confident in my 20's and I imagine there are a number of younger dom/mes out there who meet that criteria today. It may take a while longer to find someone who matches your personal criteria exactly and for some, the search and discovery is the best part of the quest.

A second driver for age disparity is that many people enjoy age play, look for older partners who will be Mommy or Daddy to their Little Boy or Little Girl, Prince or Princess. For many, an actual age difference augments the fantasy. For others, size helps (a small or petite "little" and a big or tall "elder".)


And finally, all that said, if you have the opportunity to attend a play party, try out an older dominant. See what s/he has to offer. You might be surprised.

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Originally Posted by TwistedTails

Of course there are. They generally call themselves "nextgen" when promoting their munches and gatherings. That usually means 30 and under in attendance.

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I hadn't heard the phrase "Next Generation" until I came on this site. And then I find it used by some fearfully pretentious people to somehow chastise BDSM interests of people in my age group. From my experiences, the ones applying this title "nextgen" are usually not the ones who actually qualify as such. :/

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Originally Posted by VaAugusta

I hadn't heard the phrase "Next Generation" until I came on this site. And then I find it used by some fearfully pretentious people to somehow chastise BDSM interests of people in my age group. From my experiences, the ones applying this title "nextgen" are usually not the ones who actually qualify as such. :/

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Interesting that you should have that experience with the term. Here, in our community, the term is used freely and without insult.

Cheers
Twisted

I'll be 57 in a few months but my wife of 30 years says I'm in better physical condition than most folks she sees in their 30's. That wouldn't be because I'm out in the woods every day and eat right and drink a ton of beer, would it? I could guarantee that if a random sample of 57 year old's was taken and they were all stood up shoulder to shoulder, some would look like a fit 40, some would look like a rode-hard-put-away-wet 75 year old.

Of course, if a person is looking for a loooooooooooooooong term (20+ years together) then maybe someone with a few years on them might be an issue. Maybe a person must sit down and analyze WHY the age thing is so important to them?

What really is important beyond that is finding a Dom/Domme whose life has given them the opportunity to experience a great deal of variety in the BDSM area. 10 years of experience here in Small Town, Montana doesn't even compare to 10 years of experience in Los Angeles. That's not to say that ALL variety is good, but opportunity for variety is.

That's my two-bits worth. Time for me to grab the dog and head out for our daily hike in the mountains. Ain't being retired grand? Get to enjoy life to fullest most every day!

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Originally Posted by oww-that-hurt

Time for me to grab the dog and head out for our daily hike in the mountains. Ain't being retired grand? Get to enjoy life to fullest most every day!

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Don't forget the beer...I'll meet you over by the old tree, okay? :p

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Originally Posted by VaAugusta

I hadn't heard the phrase "Next Generation" until I came on this site. And then I find it used by some fearfully pretentious people to somehow chastise BDSM interests of people in my age group. From my experiences, the ones applying this title "nextgen" are usually not the ones who actually qualify as such. :/

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Originally Posted by TwistedTails

Interesting that you should have that experience with the term. Here, in our community, the term is used freely and without insult.

Cheers
Twisted

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I'll say!! It's almost exclusively a term of self description and I've never seen it used derogatorily. I'd do a sensitivity check VA.

Well, definitely not from anyone in this thread. But I will say I have seen it. And yes, I am sensitive about it. I am not too worried about it though, as "I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies." =)

Edit: My point wasn't that as much as I have not seen people my age group using it all that frequently..

little curious girl
I didn't take offense at your posting but you did go about it wrong
there is nothing wrong with saying directly up front what you want, be a little more aggressive and speak up for what you want, everyone here will respect that

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

Don't forget the beer...I'll meet you over by the old tree, okay? :p

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Is that the old Cottonwood tree or the old Ponderosa Pine tree?
I'll stop by the brewery and grab a half-gallon growler for the afternoon. Is Porter okay, or do you prefer Ale?

We're out there, OP. I'm 22, but now that I've been involved for four years (starting as a bottom but now as a Master with a slave of my own), I've got enough experience to stand on my own two feet and know what's what and how its done. I've never actually come across the term nextgen, but it feels appropriate enough to me. Certainly the flavour of BDSM I practice has drifted from the strict praxis of the Old Guard, though I've enough knowledge of that way to have a profound respect for it.

But, tangents aside, I know what you mean, a lot of relationships in our community do seem to come with a large age differential. I think most of the responses have hit the nail on the head, but one idea has been missed- a lot of new, young subbies are just that: completely new to this world and looking for someone with experience and maturity to guide them, and whilst experience and maturity don't necessarily correlate with age (there are a whole lot of older doms who I've seen at work who don't seem to have a clue what they're really doing) it's a cue that a lot of people take. Another good reason is that a lot of the more prominant and visible people in the kink community are in their 40's or higher, and they use that position to go after younger subs, either to protect them or simply because they enjoy younger partners.

But there are skillful, worthy younger doms out there too, so don't be discouraged.

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Originally Posted by TheSeeker

little curious girl
I didn't take offense at your posting but you did go about it wrong
there is nothing wrong with saying directly up front what you want, be a little more aggressive and speak up for what you want, everyone here will respect that

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Huh? What did she do that wasn't exactly what you said? She made her point, indicated her preferences, spoke up for what she wanted.

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Originally Posted by WyldWyl

Another good reason is that a lot of the more prominant and visible people in the kink community are in their 40's or higher, and they use that position to go after younger subs, either to protect them or simply because they enjoy younger partners.

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Or unfortunately sometimes in an attempt to use their age to their advantage in misrepresenting their actual experience and get one over on younger naive and unsuspecting partners.

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Originally Posted by denuseri

Or unfortunately sometimes in an attempt to use their age to their advantage in misrepresenting their actual experience and get one over on younger naive and unsuspecting partners.

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oh hell. see--that's the stuff i worry about. any help????
-curious

curious- don't rush into anything. That's all you can do. The more time you spend with somebody, the better the sense you can get about whether they're as switched on as they claim to be. If somebody claims to be an experienced Dominant, then They won't mind (and will often require) getting to know you as a person first, before even thinking about you submitting to Them. Talk talk talk. Don't feel obliged to submit from the word go, no matter how experienced they look. Be respectful, but firm in what you agree and don't agree to, until you know the person well enough to trust them.

Not everybody's a predator, but not everybody's straightforward, either. There's young idiots, there's old idiots. There's young, experienced and responsible Dominants, and there's older, experienced and responsible Dominants. You just have to stick it out long enough to find out who's who.

I'd suggest pacing yourself and use your judgment.
You already stated clearly you are more interested in an age range than other, so there's a start. Only you can determine the levels of shadiness (or lack there of) as far as the actual conversation goes.
Don't jump head first without looking before hand.

Be careful, stay safe and good luck.

Regards.

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Originally Posted by alittlecuriousgirl

oh hell. see--that's the stuff i worry about. any help????
-curious

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Easy... ask for references from their other play partners XP

I'd be suspicious if they had none, or refuse to give up names.

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Originally Posted by alittlecuriousgirl

oh hell. see--that's the stuff i worry about. any help????
-curious

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This is where it comes in handy to have some friends among the submissives in your local community. It makes me sad to see newbies come into the community and focus only on finding the "Dom of their dreams". I always advise new submissives to focus on getting to know other submissives. Make friends, find out if there's a submissive discussion meeting or roundtable, and reach out. Then, when you do meet a Dom, you have a group of submissives that you can ask "what do you know about so-and-so? Have you ever played with him? Would you play with him again?" etc.

Really though. If you plan to join your local community, make friends. Then worry about the Dom-hunt.

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Originally Posted by oww-that-hurt

Is that the old Cottonwood tree or the old Ponderosa Pine tree?
I'll stop by the brewery and grab a half-gallon growler for the afternoon. Is Porter okay, or do you prefer Ale?

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Decisions, decisions...How about we just forget the woods and head for the shore instead? If this is acceptable, leave me a note in the "usual" place and I'll make arrangements....

And for God's sake, don't forget the cooler!

ps--I don't know what a "growler" is...but it sounds fun. :hubba:

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Originally Posted by alittlecuriousgirl

oh hell. see--that's the stuff i worry about. any help????
-curious

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Use your own best common sense.

By the same token, question anyone your own age who claims themselves an experienced dominant... no one is ever through learning, and experience does require time spent. Not just book learning and internet reading.

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Originally Posted by jeanne

This is where it comes in handy to have some friends among the submissives in your local community. It makes me sad to see newbies come into the community and focus only on finding the "Dom of their dreams". I always advise new submissives to focus on getting to know other submissives. Make friends, find out if there's a submissive discussion meeting or roundtable, and reach out. Then, when you do meet a Dom, you have a group of submissives that you can ask "what do you know about so-and-so? Have you ever played with him? Would you play with him again?" etc.

Really though. If you plan to join your local community, make friends. Then worry about the Dom-hunt.

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An excellent approach everyone can follow.

Also excellent in getting a head start toward meeting dominants in your community, you'll see who the subs talk about, who they hang around with, who they avoid.

Don't just talk to the submissives either... everyone in the community is worth talking to when it comes to asking about how people play. Even if they don't know personally, they could lead you to someone who does.

My Dom has been in the local community longer than I have and he's already told me about how certain other people play and who I am absolutely NOT to play with.