The Online Age: Or, a Young Online Dominant's Illustrative Primer
New people come to the Library all the time. Many new visitors are BDSM veterans, but others are new to the scene. Many new people are interested in taking their first (or perhaps even their only) steps into the world, and want to build online BDSM relationships. An inexperienced dominant may feel the call in his heart (and/or nether regions) that domination is what he is made for, but find that when he comes online he is frustrated in his attempts to be a dominant.
I hope that this article will prove helpful to young and inexperienced dominants taking those first few difficult steps in online domination. I will attempt to offer some guidance on basic chat etiquette and how, once you are integrated with the chatting community, to talk to submissives, set up and interact with play scenes, and hopefully how to train and potentially claim a submissive of your very own.
This is, of course, kind of a douchey thing for me to claim to be able to be qualified to do, and so I'll start with an introduction and several disclaimers.
And I Should Listen To You Because…?
Hi, I'm Austerus. I'm a straight male dominant. I'm a member of the community at BDSMLibrary (dot COOOOMMMM). Over the last two decades I've spent a lot of time involved in the lifestyle both online and off, and I've had experience in a wide variety of online communities. How does that qualify to tell you the time of day? It probably doesn't. Whatever. Meh.
Disclaimer: Nothing is universally applicable. None of this advice applies to all the people all the time. My hope is that it's generally applicable, but I would really welcome feedback and conversation to improve this article over time. I would especially like feedback from the subbies, since I'll sort of be "putting words in your mouths." (among other things! Hey-Ooooo!) <--- First piece of advice, don't do that, unless you're sure people will know it's a joke
Disclaimer: OL (online) is not the same thing as RL (real life). I'm not claiming to be giving advice for how to pick up at a munch or at Folsom.
Disclaimer: I'm a straight, male dominant. My perspective is as a straight male dominant. My advice may be completely ass backwards for other configurations. I just don't know.
ONWARD
So you've joined BDSMLibrary. You've introduced yourself in the forums, asked some questions, and maybe made a few acquaintances. You feel like you're alive with the sense of wonder and possibility, and you want to try chatting live, and perhaps meeting that kinky soulmate you know is out there. You click on the Chat tab at the top of the screen, and…away we go.
On Rules
Go read the rules that Torq has posted. Seriously, this is all very important and you should be respectful of all these rules while in chat. It's cool, I'll wait. They're here: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...elines-amp-FAQ and here: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ums-Guidelines
On Your Own Name
You're a dom, so use a capitalized name. Don't use cursing in your name, or numbers. Don't be anything-24. Pick a name that sounds masculine and dominant without being gross or dangerous. When in doubt use something Latin or Greek.
On Others' Names
In many online communities there is a cultural expectation that dominants will have uppercase names and subbies will have lowercase names. That may be a handy, quick rule of thumb, but it does not apply in every situation or to every person. Don't ever assume. This won't be a problem for you, of course, because you're going to always Be Respectful (see below) but still be aware that a name may be misleading, in content and in character.
On Relationships
You may see some people with something like personName{Austerus} or personName|A|(except they will have names of other people, not me). This is an indication that the personName is "collared." Collared can mean a wide variety of things, but one thing it almost always means is "I don't want to be hit on." You can still start conversations with (most) collared people, but respect the ring.
On the other side of that, not everyone who is "taken" has a collar on their name. They are under no obligation to "wear a collar" if they are in a relationship. If someone tells you they are taken, respect it.
On Women
Every time a stranger approaches a woman, online or off, she has to worry about whether this person will do her violence. This is a fact of life, and women are forced to always be on their guard with strangers. If you try to play a part, like what you think a dominant "is supposed to act like" you will come off as creepy and threatening. Women will not be excited by your mysterious demeanor. They will be freaked out, and they will not want to talk to you.
On a Community of Subbies
This is a marvelous, wonderful thing. You are surrounded by a whole collection of women who want to be submissive. They want to be dominated. Good gravy, it's awesome. It's like going fishing at the aquarium. You KNOW they're in there.
A community of subbies can also be dangerous to you, the new dom, though. Subbies, more than any other sub-species of human woman, talk to one another. Constantly. This can be to your benefit if you're a good guy. But if you come off threatening, or creepy, or like a jerk, you will find yourself persona non grata in a shockingly short amount of time. The subbies will all tell the other subbies, and then the subbies will tell the doms, and next thing you know you've got no reputation worth having.
So celebrate the fact that you're surrounded by a veritable sea of slinky, submissive, eager-to-please female brains, but watch your shit. You'll get locked out in the cold faster than you could believe if you get marked for an asshole.
Respect vs Deference
Respect is treating everyone like an equal human being, the way you'd like to be treated. Deference is when one person chooses to position themselves under another to some extent, and address/treats them as such. Everyone owes everyone respect, and the only person who can take your respect away is you, through your own actions. Nobody owes anybody deference.
What you'll find is that respect is like currency. You build up an account over time by being decent. Over time, if you build up enough respect, some people may start offering you some degree of deference. This is a gift. It is to be treasured. It is not for you to demand, it is not for you to insist on. Conversely if you act like an asshat you'll find that you quickly lose deference, and may even lose respect.
Topping vs Dominating
Topping is taking control in the context of a scene. It's loads of fun. It's what most people would describe as "cybering" but it's better because it involves BDSM. Topping is something that can be done, in a variety of ways, with very little prior knowledge of a partner. You might meet a subbie in a chat room and top her the same day.
Domination, on the other hand takes a bit longer, but is (I think) more rewarding. Rather than being about playing a part in a scene, domination is about the control and change of behavior in the long term. Dominating a subbie means that rather than bending her to your will for the period of an afternoon, you change her behavior to suit you over the course of weeks or months.
Hints For Topping
I'm primarily interested in Domination rather than Topping, but I have a few tips for the novice online Top:
Write Well
Seriously. Write in complete sentences with proper grammar, spelling and punctuation. When you're playing online all you have is words, which means the equation is Your Desirability = Your Writing + Your Partner's Desperation. If you want a less desperate partner (you do) then you need to write better. It's always better to type slowly than to type poorly. It's always better to use complete sentences. It's always better to be descriptive. Never use the same adjective twice in a single post.
Focus
Play with one person at a time. Don't split your focus. Especially when you're not good at this you need to concentrate on your partner and make sure you're figuring out what she needs, respond to it well, and do a good job driving the scene. If you're chatting (or worse, scening) with multiple girls you're going to screw it up.
Keep It In Your Pants
Don't jack off while you're scening. This may seem counter-intuitive, as your whole goal with topping may very well be the achievement or an orgasm. Trust me though, make a log of your play session and jack off later. The problem with masturbation during play is twofold: first, you're going to be distracted, typing more slowly, and writing more poorly. Second, you're going to have uneven energy levels. You'll start slow, build, pop, and then become either very low energy or else "omg sorry internet lost connection" rather than finish the scene. In the long run that's going to lead to disgruntled partners, a lack of experience on your part, and a damaging of your reputation.
Seriously, just log it, and then jack off later.I promise it will feel just as good.
Hints For Domination
I'm much more interested, in general, in Domination than in Topping. Here is some advice for dominating a subbie, assuming that you've built up enough trust with someone in Chat to start walking the road of her longterm submission to you.
Force Her To Choose
Make her choose her fate. Don't do some kind of role-play takedown to ensure her submission. At every step lay a clear, real choice out before her and let her choose whether she wants to submit a piece of her life or control to you. Be prepared to tell her why you want control of the thing you're asking for. Make her choose. Don't let her out of it.
Move Slowly
Start a domination slowly, with a single simple rule. Let her try it on for size. Move slowly into more rules. Don't overburden a girl with too many rules at once, give her time to absorb and apply each new thing.
Be Clear and Specific
Let a girl know _exactly_ what you expect or want from her. If you can't express what you want clearly, in a way that she can verify that she understands, then you're not sure enough what you want in order to demand it from someone. Be very clear with yourself, and with her.
Don't Ever Punish A Girl For Not Being Psychic
Don't ever assume that she knows Rule X. If you want her to do something, tell her. Don't ever, ever punish for something she failed to do that wasn't in the rules you gave her.
Don't Get Mad
Don't ever lose your temper. Don't yell, don't curse. Lay out clear rules, and correct her firmly and dispassionately when she disobeys them.
Role Play Punishments Are Bullshit
Role playing punishments are completely ineffectual and are basically a backslide to virtual Topping. Punishments should be real, things that actually affect her and make her think about/reconsider her behavior. Some examples of good punishments are:
- Writing sentences
- A timeout standing with her nose in the corner
- Time away from you
- Time with a degrading form of address (depends on the sub)
- Edging (coming close to, but not achieving, orgasm) X times, with Y minutes/hours in between
- Physical pain (self spanking, clamps, other)
Pain Is Overrated
Note that physical pain is last on the list. I don't believe it makes a very good training tool, and I tend to only use it for punishment when I am very unhappy and am combining it with the message that her behavior is completely unacceptable. Use physical pain very sparingly. Make it mean something very serious, and make sure that there's a tone of strong disapproval and disappointment attached to it
Be Consistent
Make her obey the rules 100% of the time. Always correct her when she fails. Always keep track, and discipline her daily for all of her failings. You must always be on the lookout for her failure to live up to her expectations, and she can't _ever_ get away with it. She will test you, perhaps even without meaning to, and you have to catch it. You have to punish it. Every single time. If you become inconsistent then you are effectively untrustworthy. A subbie doesn't need a dom who is untrustworthy and inconsistent.
Note that this is another great reason to keep it in your pants. If you can't control your own emotional ebb and flow, you're going to miss hers, and you're going to react wrong.
Be Ready to Explain
If she ever asks why you're instituting a certain rule or punishment, you need to be able to explain. You don't have to have a perfect answer, but you need to be able to prove that it's something you have thought about and isn't just a capricious whim.
Be Quick to Apologize (if you are wrong)
When you make a mistake, recognize it. You will make mistakes. You will yell at her for mistakes she didn't make, you will threaten her with punishments for rules you forgot to give her, etc. When you realize your error, apologize. If she's remained polite and respectful throughout her disagreement with you, honor that and tell her you appreciate it. If she hasn't, then apologize but let her know that disrespect is never acceptable.
Demand and Reward Honesty
Always reward honesty. A punishment should always be less for a girl who comes to you telling you about a mistake she made than if you have to remind her about the mistake. Likewise if she comes to you with a complaint you should always reward her honestly speaking up. If you try to silence her you will breed first resentment, then contempt. If you have honest discussions you will deepen her submission with every conversation.
On Brattiness
I am personally completely uninterested in anyone who is "fiery," "bratty," "rebellious," "spunky," a "spitfire" "feisty," etc. That said, I have seen multiple girls who describe themselves that way but will calm down immediately if you tell them you don't want anything to do with a brat. Brattiness goes back to a lot of the other rules, and it's insidious because it spreads like a flu, through contact. Don't accept brattiness, don't reward it, and don't ever give her what she wants when she is being bratty. (note that sometimes what she wants is punishment). I recommend ignoring her until she decides to not be bratty.
Never Reward Bad Behavior
Never, ever reward bad behavior. Again, this can go back to "keep it in your pants." Never, ever give her a treat if she's behaving poorly. You'll be tempted, many times, to let her cum or to give her some other reward if she "has been mostly good," or "did one very good thing." Resist this impulse. Never ever ever reward her for disobeying you. Ever.
Recognize Consistently Good Behavior
If she's been consistently obedient, even if just in following a small rule. Recognize her for it and let her know that you appreciate it. Following rules isn't easy, even for the most submissive girl. It's something she works at, really hard, to remember and to apply. When she gets it right she deserves your recognition and, depending on how obedient she's been, perhaps some further reward.
Don't Be Insecure
Life is complicated, and we all have busy lives. Subs have lots of friends, plus family, plus work, etc. etc. Don't ever let yourself feel insecure. Always be confident that she'll come back to you, and most of the time she will. But don't ever chase her, don't ever beg her, and don't ever, ever whine. These are not qualities that she will value in you.
Be Prepared For Heartbreak
You will get your heart broken, multiple times. Internet relationships move fast, and can start, bloom, flower, grow, and die in months, weeks, or days. You'll choose the wrong people more than once, you'll screw up more than once, and you'll get your heart broken more than once. Continue to be honorable and ethical. Continue to be polite and respectful. Over time you'll build experience and confidence, and will find the right sorts of girls.
WHOOOOO Buddy!
Well this got long. I'd be happy to hear feedback and make changes, or to do follow-ups if people are interested in specific other topics or deeper conversations about any of these. I hope this has been somewhat helpful, and that it isn't too offensive to anyone. Please do let me know what you think :)
Re: The Online Age: Or, a Young Online Dominant's Illustrative Primer
I'm bumping this old thread after talking about it to a Friend.
After rereading it, I want to add that I agree...what a subbie doesn't need is an inconsistant Dom. Nothing that makes me feel all fluttery inside than when He demands only my best. It gives the message that He actually think I am able to do what He asks of me. And so it empowers me...
Go figure... Giving over control is an empowering thing...
Re: The Online Age: Or, a Young Online Dominant's Illustrative Primer
of course giving over control is empowering, it allows you to be who you are without apology or excuses and to explore your own nature and sexuality free of vanilla social judgement. What could possibly more empowering?
Re: The Online Age: Or, a Young Online Dominant's Illustrative Primer
Quote:
Originally Posted by
just_ine
I'm bumping this old thread after talking about it to a Friend.
After rereading it, I want to add that I agree...what a subbie doesn't need is an inconsistant Dom. Nothing that makes me feel all fluttery inside than when He demands only my best. It gives the message that He actually think I am able to do what He asks of me. And so it empowers me...
Go figure... Giving over control is an empowering thing...
And I agree with you both, but have to say it is quite rare to find a Dom who is consistent.
Re: The Online Age: Or, a Young Online Dominant's Illustrative Primer
Quote:
Originally Posted by
thir
And I agree with you both, but have to say it is quite rare to find a Dom who is consistent.
Consistency is difficult to find as dynamics do vary. Dom or subbing by numbers’ would provide such a thing, but as each relationship is unique, it would be difficult to successfully maintain. However, should honest communication actually be embraced then an exclusive form could be achieved.
Unfortunately, I could offer that when one determines ‘this’ works/worked, they may be reluctant to accept that this could fail to be as effective within another relationship. Then the interaction deteriorates, as the parties involved fail to achieve what they truly desire. Play becomes simply that play’ and people get let down or in the worst case scenario badly hurt.
Empowerment of another is exquisite when it is provided, but has to be accepted for it to be effective?
