Some Basic Safety Tips For Online Relationships

This thread isn't about what kind of candle to use or how long someone can be tied without causing damage or anything like that. Those things are useful and I don't say they aren't, but in my opinion they take a back seat to the safety of being with the right person. Sadly our way of life attracts those who would emotionally and physically hurt someone with no regard for the person they are hurting. In r/l it's usually easier to spot these guys (and it's mostly male dominants I'm talking about here) than it is online. Anybody can present himself as anything over the net and this thread is here mostly for people who are new to our "thing" and might be duped into doing things for someone who doesn't really give a shit. Very few of the things I'm going to talk about are absolute, but they can be warning signs that all is not well with the other party.

Things to watch out for:

The first contact being an order.

A PM, email, or IM communication that orders you to do something right away. This is usually somebody who doesn't have a clue about d/s or somebody who assumes you don't have a clue and wants to exploit you. Tell them to take a hike. You may be submissive, but you aren't a toy to be played with. Well until you give permission for that anyway. ;)

Personal Ads asking for pictures/stories/suggestions/etc . . .

Usually these ads are just guys trying to get their rocks off at your expense. If someone has a genuine interest in finding a partner then he will show it in his ad. Be wary of ads that give no real information and ask for something at the initial contact.

Responses to personal ads that are too aggressive.

Now dominants are supposed to be in charge, but that doesn't mean we aren't also polite human beings. Responses to your ad that say things like, "Come to me and I'll make you cum." without any backup info are usually the same kind of guy as above. And ditto the orders right away in a response. "I saw your ad, now send me a picture of your cunt." Yeah these guys need to get the hell out of dodge.

IM conversations

Okay so the guy sounds human and half-way intelligent so you agree to chat with him and five minutes into the conversation he wants you to turn on that webcam. STOP! DESIST! The webcam should stay off until you really know the guy you're talking to. There's no reason for a webcam in a "get to know each other" conversation. And if you figure "What the hell? Who cares if he sees me?" that's okay, but remember it's easier for him to get you to do things on that cam when it's on. Many of these trolls are good at manipulating people. Especially submissive women.

Personal Info

The guy wants your name, address, telephone number etc . . .but won't give his. That's a big no-no. Anyone can want their privacy, but if he ain't willing to give it up, you shouldn't either.

I'm married but . . .

Now this one is tricky. Many of the people here are married and looking for something extra and I can't condemn that. I'm married, but my wife understands that I'm not-nor could ever be-sexually monogamous. I was upfront about that when we met and it's proved to be not only accepted, but in some cases a hell of a lot of fun. :D What I'm talking about is the promise guy. I'm married but I'm leaving her next month/year/decade. Yeah suuuure you are buddy. Now I'm sure that there are guys out there who really are leaving their wives, but at some point you have to ask yourself if you want to be the "other woman" for the rest of your life.

I'll be adding to this as I think of things and I invite anyone else to do so as well.

Great list, Aesop!

Thanks Ruby.:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aesop

I'm married but . . .

Now this one is tricky. Many of the people here are married and looking for something extra and I can't condemn that. I'm married, but my wife understands that I'm not-nor could ever be-sexually monogamous. I was upfront about that when we met and it's proved to be not only accepted, but in some cases a hell of a lot of fun. :D What I'm talking about is the promise guy. I'm married but I'm leaving her next month/year/decade. Yeah suuuure you are buddy. Now I'm sure that there are guys out there who really are leaving their wives, but at some point you have to ask yourself if you want to be the "other woman" for the rest of your life.

I'll be adding to this as I think of things and I invite anyone else to do so as well.

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One question Aesop, how DOES one know if the dom is going to leave their spouse?

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

One question Aesop, how DOES one know if the dom is going to leave their spouse?

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Well there's really no way to know for sure, but I'd imagine time is a big factor. I mean if he's been saying he's going to leave for a loooong time and still hasn't, chances are good he's not going to. His priorities will be a good clue too. Does he constantly do what she wants instead of what you want? That would indicate - to me at least - that he wants to keep her happy and there's really no point in keeping a woman happy if you're walking out. Constant excuses for absences and the need to put things off would be a good clue too I think.

Here's another one I thought of:

This is how BDSM-D/s is practiced.

If your contact is telling you that you're doing BDSM or d/s wrong then seriously question him about it. There is no right way to do any of this. It's for your pleasure and fun, not some class to be passed. Many of these trolls will try to undermine your self-esteem by telling you that you don't know anything or that you're untrained in BDSM. And they'll usually say that just before or after telling you to do something you don't wanna do. You may not know anything and you may never have been trained before, but remember this: You cannot be universally trained for BDSM. Yes there are similarities in d/s relationships, but no two dominants are the same so no two training "programs" -for lack of a better word - are the same. My wife responds to my facial expression with accuracy at this point, but if she went to another dominant she would have to learn his mannerisms and his likes before she could be considered "trained". So if your guy is telling you that you aren't trained tell him, "Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

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Originally Posted by Aesop

"Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

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I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

Yeah! That one's full of subtleties. I, for example, would never tell a sub that they don't know what they're doing, but will readily say they're untrained... to my needs or desires.

The words "you need more training" regardless of their experience, is part of the process of establishing their submission to, specifically, me.

One good example is finding some position I particulary like... and making sure the sub can attain and hold that position for extended periods of time.

I guess, Aesop, the point of your comment is about the use of the words "doing it wrong." I'm with you there. No need to put up with that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

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Fully trained? I doubt it. But who wants that anyway? I'd hate to think of my submissive as fully trained because that means I haven't come up with anything new. As for you being told you're lacking - What is the dom doing to help you along? I mean if I tell my submissive she's lacking in something, the next thing I tell her is how I want it corrected and give her motivations for doing so. Telling her she's lacking without providing a way for her to improve is just going to cut her self-esteem for no reason.

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Originally Posted by ozme52

Yeah! That one's full of subtleties. I, for example, would never tell a sub that they don't know what they're doing, but will readily say they're untrained... to my needs or desires.

The words "you need more training" regardless of their experience, is part of the process of establishing their submission to, specifically, me.

One good example is finding some position I particulary like... and making sure the sub can attain and hold that position for extended periods of time.

I guess, Aesop, the point of your comment is about the use of the words "doing it wrong." I'm with you there. No need to put up with that.

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Exactly. Telling a submissive they're untrained to your needs is one thing and as long as you're expressing that it's an inter-personal issue I don't think there is anything wrong with it. It's that blanket "you're untrained" statement without any clarification of what or how or why that I have a problem with. It's a put down really and nothing else.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in one or more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

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Kelly, a sub can be trained to do things for her Dom as long as they fall within your boundaries. That means, they must respect and accept there are things that are clearly red flag for you.

If I remember correctly, one of your past tops pushed you further than you wanted to go. It upset you, as it should. You figured out that he was not a good Dom.

Similarly, a dom who is rarely acknowledges your sincere attempts to please him, and doesn't show you how, should be kicked to the curb. I consider that emotional abuse. ;whip

I totally agree with Aesop here:

Quote:

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If your contact is telling you that you're doing BDSM or d/s wrong then seriously question him about it. There is no right way to do any of this. It's for your pleasure and fun, not some class to be passed. Many of these trolls will try to undermine your self-esteem by telling you that you don't know anything or that you're untrained in BDSM. And they'll usually say that just before or after telling you to do something you don't wanna do. You may not know anything and you may never have been trained before, but remember this: You cannot be universally trained for BDSM. Yes there are similarities in d/s relationships, but no two dominants are the same so no two training "programs" -for lack of a better word - are the same. My wife responds to my facial expression with accuracy at this point, but if she went to another dominant she would have to learn his mannerisms and his likes before she could be considered "trained". So if your guy is telling you that you aren't trained tell him, "Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

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Part of the fun or high a dom gets is in training the sub to do what they want for the dom's pleasure. In doing so, they take the sub to a place in their submissiveness they've never been before. Think about that.

:) As always, my thoughts are for you.

So we're all more or less saying the same thing... from both sides of the slash. (/)

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Originally Posted by ozme52

So we're all more or less saying the same thing... from both sides of the slash. (/)

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Thanks for bringing up that slash Oz. Reminds me of something else to look out for.

Guys who insist on T/this.

The slash typing thing is really a pet peeve with me and I say that up front because it's not always a good reason to back off. The thing that drives me bats about it is that nobody can possibly talk that way. I mean when you're out with your guy to you say W/we? Of course not. You can't. Now I've known some good people who use this because of how they were introduced into BDSM so like I say it's not always and indicator that you should split, but if you're chatting with some guy on IM and write, "I was wondering what you do for a living." and he gets upset because you didn't write, "i was wondering what You do for a living." you might want to seriously consider your situation. To me that always smacks of insecurity on the dom's part and there is very little in our world more dangerous than an insecure dom.

To add to the list and a variation of 'untrained':

"You aren't a real submissive since you won't do .......... for me"

This is just emotional blackmail. Its the equivalent of "If you really loved me you would ...." in a vanilla relationship.

If he makes the above statement, he aint a real Dom!

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Originally Posted by nikita

Kelly, a sub can be trained to do things for her Dom as long as they fall within your boundaries. That means, they must respect and accept there are things that are clearly red flag for you.

If I remember correctly, one of your past tops pushed you further than you wanted to go. It upset you, as it should. You figured out that he was not a good Dom.

Similarly, a dom who is rarely acknowledges your sincere attempts to please him, and doesn't show you how, should be kicked to the curb. I consider that emotional abuse. ;whip

I totally agree with Aesop here:

Part of the fun or high a dom gets is in training the sub to do what they want for the dom's pleasure. In doing so, they take the sub to a place in their submissiveness they've never been before. Think about that.

:) As always, my thoughts are for you.

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Thanks Nikki, you are right! So far everyone is right. BUT once you get attached to a Dom how do break the bond? I have grown to love him and I am torn between what my heart says and what my head says. AND everything everyone has said here has backed up everything my head is telling me. ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

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It's broken by your choosing to break it.
And of course, that's sounds much easier than it is.
Ending any relationship can be very difficult.

Take some steps to help you make your decision.

1. Write of list of things you want changed.
Ask yourself honestly, do you want to continue having a realtionship with this person if those changes aren't made?

If not, then it's time to say goodbye.

If yes, but you still aren't sure...

2. Use a test my grandmother taught me.
Take a break from the relationship.

Ask for 6 weeks, no or minimal contact,
for you to take care of yourself.

This is where an abusive partner usually fails the test.

If they "love you and care about you" they won't throw a trantrum.

Trantrum, foul language, bad mouthing you for this request, etc. is a "fail".

Open discussion, granting your request, telling you that they care about you and understand your needs are a pass.

Now can they really leave you alone or not?
You decide what type if any of contact you want, if any.
If they don't respect your boundaries, then it's a fail.

3. If it's a fail, then why stay with this person?

If they can't respect your boundaries now, then they won't in the future.

If after your set amount of time, you realize you are happier and better off without them, then it's easy to decide it's over.

You tell them, "It's over. I choose not to be your partner any more." There are a zillion ways to break up in a vanilla relationship, and they work for BDSM relationships, too. Be classy, don't burn your bridges and be honest without being hurtful.

When dealing with matters of the heart, we have to ask, are we in love with this person, "bonded with this person", or in love with the idea of being in love/bonded?

Taking a break to take care of you, helps you see the relationship from a distance.

No matter what you decide, the decision and right to choose is yours. BDSM relationship or not.

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Now, if we are talking about a real life relationship, one where an abusive personality may physically harm you, that is a different discussion all together.

The "safe planning" link at the US National Domestic Hotline, http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html, is a must read.

Two links so as not to repeat the essays in this thread.

Choosing a Master/Mistress: Lessons from a Pet Mistress
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3737

"The Acid Test, it might just save you."
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

Whether you are in a relationship or selecting a partner, both authors have some excellent warning signs and safety tips that are worth a read.

Great references Ruby. Thanks for adding them.:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

Thanks Nikki, you are right! So far everyone is right. BUT once you get attached to a Dom how do break the bond? I have grown to love him and I am torn between what my heart says and what my head says. AND everything everyone has said here has backed up everything my head is telling me. ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

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Attachment is hard to break, and I know from experience. Some attachments are addictive and intense.

You have to ask your self this, am I mistaking attachment for love or security?

If you truly want to step away, you will find it easier to do than you think.

The litmus test:

Who comes first? You and your kids or him?

What are you getting out of this?

Have you developed an addiction to D/s relationships or truly the man?

Once you decide what's best for Kelly, send a dear john email, and block all communiques. I know you'd never be cruel, but a rejected man can be, so, take necessary steps.

It is not easy to start over, but there are lots of responsible and fulfilling doms out there. Take it slower. You are learning the difference between a good dom and a bad dom. Well, let's just say you have more experience with the latter.

Once you meet a good one, Kelly, you'd be the best little subbie in the world for him.

Thanks Nikki. I have sent my Dear John email. A first for me. I have never done a Dear John letter let alone an email. I found the email easy to write, but sending it was very difficult. I hovered over the send botton for while wondering if I can do this. I did it. I sent the email.

You know, I am a good subbie, I just hope I will have a Dom that will train me and be what he wants me to do. That is my hearts desire.

Thanks everyone for the support, info and friendship. You all have been great.

subwife

Quote:

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

Thanks Nikki. I have sent my Dear John email. A first for me. I have never done a Dear John letter let alone an email. I found the email easy to write, but sending it was very difficult. I hovered over the send botton for while wondering if I can do this. I did it. I sent the email.

subwife

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! :cheerlead

Congratulations on getting yourself one step
closer to the Dom you are seeking.

All the best,

Ruby

I can't really see much to add to this thread, apart from the fact that I agree with the whole thing pretty much word for word.

submissivewife, I don't know you, but congrats on taking that step. You can be damn proud of yourself. :wave:

The majority of people in any sort of relationship have some degree of dependance on their partner. Ideally we should all be able to be happy by ourselves, then find a partner, rather than looking for happiness in someone else.

You have a way with words nikita- good point about developing an attachment to a D/s relationship or the man himself. My pet hate is the belief that 'a Dom is a Dom & a sub is a sub'. We're all people- every D/s relationship is different & I believe very strongly the people are much more important than the type of relationship. To look for a 'Dom' must surely take second place to looking for a decent person, who may also happen to have Dominant qualities.

Bugger the 'rules' -there are no 'rules'. Do what you feel comfortable with, & if the other person isn't happy, give them the flick.

Tojo

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tojo

submissivewife, I don't know you, but congrats on taking that step. You can be damn proud of yourself. :wave:

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Thanks Tojo. I don't feel proud of my self. I feel awful. Fighting the urge to call, email, and IM him are hard. I am trying to stay strong. Since I sent him the email I have felt as though a weight has been lifted. But my heart still aches. I know this will get better but right now it is hard for me.

Thanks Ruby, I think your great. Your encouragement is, as always, appreciated.

subwife

Most of the safety concerns in an online relationship are based on male dominants because they are the biggest threat, but there are some submissives out there who play the part too. Not as dangerous as male doms maybe, but just as destructive to a BDSM relationship.

Over-eager

These submissives are the ones who want to "suck the cream out of your cock" in their first contact with you. They tend to talk dirty and push for your dominance from the word go. They also usually won't give you one bit of real information about themselves. Not even a first name. These people are usually just looking for a quick online thrill and have no intention of building anything with you.

Yeah I've done that...and with twenty people watching.

This person has every toy under the sun and has participated in every decadent act known to dom...and is 22. Yeah okaaaay. Watch out for these subs folks. Chances are good it's crap and you'll get a lot of I can't find it's and I lost it's when you ask them to demonstrate something. If you're a new dom someone with experience can be appealing, but makes sure the submissive has experience and isn't just living in a fantasy world.

The amazing lightning sub

You're in the relationship online and because it's new you have no visual on the submissive, but you're giving her orders and she's following them...you think. Tasks take time and sometimes you'll get a sub who can smack her ass ten times with a ruler in under 2 seconds. :rolleyes: If you aren't sure whether or not the submissive is actually doing what you want give her tasks that you have timed yourself so you know roughly how long it should take. If the task gets done really, really fast you may be dealing with this person.

There's more of these too and I'll add them as I think of them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

Thanks Tojo. I don't feel proud of my self. I feel awful. Fighting the urge to call, email, and IM him are hard. I am trying to stay strong. Since I sent him the email I have felt as though a weight has been lifted. But my heart still aches. I know this will get better but right now it is hard for me.

Thanks Ruby, I think your great. Your encouragement is, as always, appreciated.

subwife

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From what I've seen s/m, there's a few people who care about you on this forum- make the most of it. Might be time to get some support instead of giving it? :)

Oh & it won't get better in a big hurry, sad to say- anyone who says time heals all wounds probably isn't divorced or been through too many devastating breakups.

Here's where you find who your true friends are, speaking of 'acid tests'!

All the best,:wave:

Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Oh & it won't get better in a big hurry, sad to say- anyone who says time heals all wounds probably isn't divorced or been through too many devastating breakups.
Tojo

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Wise words there, Tojo!

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submissivewife,

Stay strong and please give yourself some time to mourn the relationship that could have been, but wasn't.

Hope each day gets a little easier and the urge to contact him turns into the desire to do something else for yourself.

Big hugs and a shoulder to cry on,

Ruby

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Aesop,

Your last post really struck a nerve.

It's flattering to be contacted by a potential sub.
Then disspointing and frustrating by their "over-eager" urge to do everything at once without any type of relationship established.

Well said! Please keep those tips coming.

Tojo and Ruby, You know you are both right. Through this site alone I have found the most wonderful friends that I have ever had. Thanks everyone for your support through all of this.

hugs to everyone

subwife

More on the dom side of things:

It's all about me.

These doms are the ones who insist that everything that happens in a d/s relationship should be for the dom's pleasure. And I mean everything. They don't care if the submissive is being taken care of or if the sub's needs are being met. It's all about the dom. Don't be taken in by these selfish bullys. Yes a dominant should be giving the orders and having you serve, but it's because you want to, not because you feel obliged to. If your dom is doing this to you do what you would do with any lover who cums and rolls over and goes to sleep. Find a new one. ;)

The two-face.

This one is one of the most difficult to spot and one of the hardest to break it off with. This dom knows all the right things to say and seems to have knowledge of countless activities. This dom also seems to know everything I've been talking about here. He'll agree with these things in public and even in private. He'll even start out doing things the right way, but after some time the orders will start pushing limits, then going past limits. He'll use guilt and your care of him as weapons to get you to do things you don't want to do. His control of you will become more of an obsession than a relationship and he'll use every psychological trick in the book to keep you from seeing that he's gone beyond domination to a form of mental rape. He'll use your insecurities to bind you to him and try to blame you when you don't want to do something he's proposed. This guy is dangerous. If you think your dom is acting this way try to get some perspective from a third party and if he is doing these things, break it off with him no matter how much he begs and pleads for you not too. It won't be easy, these guys are usually charming and amazingly good at manipulating the emotions of other people.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tojo

You have a way with words nikita- good point about developing an attachment to a D/s relationship or the man himself. My pet hate is the belief that 'a Dom is a Dom & a sub is a sub'. We're all people- every D/s relationship is different & I believe very strongly the people are much more important than the type of relationship. To look for a 'Dom' must surely take second place to looking for a decent person, who may also happen to have Dominant qualities.
Bugger the 'rules' -there are no 'rules'. Tojo

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Thank you for your comment, Tojo. You are a wordsmith in your own right. Like you said, people are people and all of us put pants on the same way.

As to online relationships, I met someone, quite by serendipity, and I liked him as a person first, before play came into the picture. I can't speak for him, but I wasn't looking, so the man came first.

Also, 'there are no rules' for D/s, not really, except sensitivity to your partner, especially if you are the dom.

Thanks nikita, high praise indeed. :)

It seems to be a hot topic across the sites & forums, how to meet that 'perfect' partner.

If I had a dollar everytime I've heard from a woman 'I tried an online relationship with a so-called Dom, but he was just a weirdo who wanted cybersex' I'd be a rich man.

Such a waste of time, trust & effort which leaves many feeling jaded & hopeless. If only there was an easier way- the 'CompuDom Dating Service' online compatibility test, type of thing.

Maybe a sub should ask for references!

I think the overwhelming thing is not to be rushed- any prospective partner worth their salt will never rush you.

Tojo

If you were a real slave you would...

I read a thread today that asked "Is it true that all slaves never say no?" Holy hell! NO it's not true. Limits should be set at what the slave is comforatable with and that's that. If you're guy or girl is telling you that you have no choice or if you were a real slave you would just obey, tell him or her to get stuffed.

After reading some of the responses I feel that I can safely say NO to an online Dom wihtout any guilt. Not knowing what to look for online from a Dom or wanna be Doms is alot like having sex for the first time. You just don't know what to expect, how to react or what to do in order for your partner to enjoy your body as well as for you to enjoy his or hers.


Once again , great insight.:cheerlead

Glad to help. :)

Hey, just thought this was a good resource and should be further up in the threads...;)

Thanks, Aesop...good one as usual!

I suggest getting to know many in a community and making friends first....

I actually was friends with Ocean long before him being my O/L Dom. He has chosen his Dominate side but sometime ago subbed for a small while. He and I used to talk a lot and I confided in him about stuff and he was always fun to talk to... when I came back to the community.. he had choosen his Dom side.. we talked as friends... and then he helped guide me some.. then it only felt natural to ask him/let him be my Dominant.

I suggest not jumping right into anything but get to know people on friendship levels.. and keep the kink low.. it will help you get to know them and to see if they are interested in you as a person.. or as a piece of meat to have cyber with.

just my thoughts.


Sera (anya)

i agree wings,

my Mistress and i built a friendship before we ventured into the BDSM world. Building the friendship first, gives you an extra bond and strengthens your D/s relationship.

Some good comments from some smart girls, who obviously know what they want & how to get it- compromise leads nowhere.

Thanks to anya, frankee & suki- take heed new subs.


Tojo

Thank you for your kindness Sir.

Sera (anya)

Just reading this thread for the first time and I have to agree it was worth moving it up, thanks Silke. Aesop as always, great work.

I have to agree with the comment about being cautious with online doms. I have not had a bad experience, but being new to all this, I will be aware of what to look out for. To me, there would have to be a friendship first and anyone who wasn't interested in that, well I don't think I would want to know about it.

Thanks again Aesop, nice to get such good and honest advice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Some good comments from some smart girls, who obviously know what they want & how to get it- compromise leads nowhere.

Thanks to anya, frankee & suki- take heed new subs.


Tojo

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Thank You Tojo:)