Originally Posted by Master Nage
Online Submission: Is it Real?
This month's topic has been hotly debated ever since the early days of BDSM on the IRC, the very place where I first learned of the lifestyle Can you truly dominate a submissive online? If so, why is there such a huge amount of distrust of the online arena in the lifestyle? There isn't an easy answer to this question, and everyone, it seems, has their own opinion.
Part of the problem, I think, stems from where you sit at the BDSM table. Arguably, if you're into S&M, it would be far harder to experience a Dom/sub relationship online. It is one thing to whip yourself on command and another to be whipped. It is one thing to say you're being spanked and another to be spanked. Almost any physical action will be easier online, even the act of kneeling. It is far easier for a sub to type that she kneels, than it is for her to get down on her knees. It should go without saying that kneeling in one place for four hours, effortless online, becomes very difficult in real life. A virtual S&M relationship would, in my opinion, be very difficult to have—yet it is possible still.
If a person has experienced S&M in real life, even if they don't actually feel the spanking, they very much know what a spanking is. And so, one of my real life BDSM friends, who has been a real life submissive, now has an online Dom. She feels she is submissive to him and that they have a real connection. Is she wrong? Is anyone egotistical enough to say they know more about her relationship than she does?
Let's move onto B&D. If you're into bondage and discipline, you run into many of the same snags you do with S&M. For one thing, it is tremendously hard to type while your hands are bound behind your back. Again, saying you're bound is not the same thing as being bound. And again, if you've experienced it before, and know the sensations involved, you might have better luck pulling it off.
But my primary interest in BDSM is D/s or Dominance and submission, including a fair whack of role-playing I've found personally that this area of BDSM is far easier to bring to the online arena, and I have had some success in that area. A lot of people think I must be a rank amateur for defending online domination, and frankly, I don't care. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it. But don't tell me that it hasn't worked for me, for I have evidence to the contrary.
My last three real life BDSM relationships were with women I'd met and dominated online first. That is, they belonged to me before we ever met in real life. Once we met in real life, in all three cases, our relationships were not substantially different than they had been online. How is this possible?
The area of BDSM that interests me most is psychological. While all BDSM relationships have a psychological component, most people balance that out with the physical. I do that as well in real life at times, but it certainly isn't part of my game. I enjoy humiliation, for example, and find that humiliating a girl online and in real life is very similar. Subs can become so entrenched in an online chat room, by humiliating them in front of their "friends" there, they react much the same as when it happens in real life. I've trained at least four subs to cum on command online, and carried that over to real life in three of those cases (The fourth girl I never visited in real life, but I believe the same situation would have existed, should we have met).
Now that I've defended the online arena, let me tear it to shreds.
It is easy to create a character in an online world and put the word Dom in your profile. VERY easy. There are a whole lot of players and even sociopaths calling themselves Doms or even subs. They are everywhere you go online. Sometimes I think they are the rule rather than the exception.
One of the big issues for me online is pacing. The speed at which online relationships proceed, is staggering. I've seen Doms collar subs online an hour after they've first met. What is that about? BDSM, if you're going to take it seriously, should be handled the same online as it is in real life. Admittedly, I learned BDSM online and in real life at the same time, and that's not the case for everyone. Still, many of the subs I've collared online over the years had never been subs before. Yet when we met, they responded as submissives, they were mine, well and truly before we ever met in real life. Which is one good argument for taking your time before forming an online relationship.
I didn't collar dana until I'd known her online for six months. We'd played and talked extensively during that time, so that when the collar was offered, there wasn't much surprise. Even then, I offered her only a training collar for a month, before I offered her a real collar, again online. That's right, I collared dana in a chatroom Then, more than two and a half years ago, I moved to Tasmania to live with her. Our relationship is the same as it always had been. We didn't miss a beat in the transition. If you don't want to believe an online relationship is for you, that's perfectly acceptable, but you'll never convince me it's impossible, since I've done it. At best you can call me misled—at worst, a liar. Or you can admit that it's not for you, but might be possible for others.
Online Domination isn't necessarily for everyone, but there are plenty of people who live in remote areas, or have real life situations that stand in the way of real life participation. Should these people not be part of the online BDSM community? Should they not try to find themselves? I call your attention to a submissive I know who was handicapped to the point where she was homebound. She couldn’t go out, she was in a marriage that was more than marginally abusive, but divorce wasn't an option for her. She found release online, and who can blame her? Was she real life? No, she wasn't. Does that mean she couldn't have been? Who can say?
I draw your attention to a young mother of two children in the middle of rural Dakota, with a truck driver husband who's almost never around. This isn't as uncommon as you might think. Where is she going to experience her real life BDSM? Should she put her growth in the lifestyle completely on hold while she waits for the kids to grow up?
You may think these people the exception to the rule, but the online arena is so huge, there are thousands, if not tens of thousands (or even more) of people like this, both Doms and subs, who aren't at liberty to participate real life.
As time goes on, more and more people are going to enter BDSM from the online arena. Some may start online and never go further and some, like me, will make the jump to real life fairly quickly. Some will be very active in the scene, and some will be more occasional participants. But everyone is who they are. It is my understanding that a Dom is a Dom even before he knows what BDSM is. I feel that I was. I first heard the term BDSM when I was 29, but I had always been dominant. Had always had power exchange fantasies. Had always loved to listen to women beg.
So now I ask you, if you can be a Dom (or submissive for that matter) without ever having heard of the lifestyle, how can anyone say you can't be an online Dom or submissive, if you don't practice it in real life?
When you can answer that question, then we can argue about whether online dominance exists, or whether it's a figment of my deranged imagination.
