ABC's of DOMINANCE/submission
This is an old article, written a few years ago when the internet was just starting. It may offend some that have differing opinions, but i can remeber some of these thoughts being common a few years ago. I like it because it is a basic tutrial in the wat it was, and maybe should be.
THE ABC's OF DOMINATION / submission
- author unknown-
Frankly, I think that most of what is written about the alternative
lifestyle is over analyzing, redundant, and slanted to the individual
perception of the writer. They all use the same buzz words and cliches
with a whole lot of "my opinions" thrown in as disclaimers. Each is a
proponent of a different philosophy and then there are 50 different
versions of each one of those.
Consequently, the beginner never sees the Forest, because he is kept
too busy
looking at all the different trees. So much to choose from! Old World,
New World, Victorian, Gor, Oriental, Old guard, New Guard, Rear Guard,
On Guard,
Right Guard, etc., etc. Then there are the differing concepts of
"protocol" and,
by the way, "Are you Dominate or submissive or a switch?" "Are you
into S&M,
B&D, D&S, what?" Whoa! You just got here! How the hell would you know
what you
are? The more of it you read and hear the more confusing it gets.
It's like going to a foreign country. The language is confusing and
you don't
know who you should be listening to. So, how do you make sense of it?
You can start by eliminating S&M and B&D from the vocabulary. S&M is
only about
pain and you will automatically discover whether or not this is for
you as you journey through this new life. B&D will take care of itself
as the natural extension of D/s in the playtime and punishment areas.
That leaves you with only one area and one question to ask yourself.
What turns you on? Being in control of another or being controlled by
another? That tells you whether you are dominant or submissive and
gives you a place to start. Yes, I left out Switch because if your
answer was, "I like both," then you don't qualify for D/s either. You
are only here for the Kinky Sex play. That's OK too,
just don't kid yourself that you are in the D/s lifestyle, because
you're not.
You're in the BS category (Bondage & Sex).
PREAMBLE
The first thing you should notice when you come to the alternative
lifestyle is that there is no white rabbit, grinning cat or stoned
caterpillar. You did not come to wonderland, you just left it. It is
the vanilla world that lives in fantasy, chasing the propagandized
carrot of some utopian Eden (that has never existed and never will)
while striving to project a false image of conforming to unnatural
standards that no normal person could possibly meet.
Vanilla life is demanding, complicated, confusing, and subversive.
THAT is a perverted
lifestyle!
D/s is not perverted, it is simple and honest. It allows for a natural
state of being and that alone makes it simple. That, also, makes it
incompatible with the double standards and judgmentalism of the
vanilla's life. The simple definition of our lifestyle is, "It is OK
to pursue your natural inclinations in any manner you are comfortable
with and you won't be condemned for it so long as you adhere to the
principles of Safe, Sane, and Consensual." So, why the hell do we
spend so many words and so much time and energy trying to redefine it.
It ain't broke and it don't need fixin.
There is something here for everyone. Dominants range from soft and
sensual dominance to strict and arbitrary disciplinarians while each
sub has a comfort level of submission they are willing to give. Please
note that I said "give," for submission can never be taken or forced,
it must be given freely. Sub submits because sub wants to, not because
sub has to. This is the second thing the newcomers must learn. The
first is to have realistic
expectations.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
How many people do you know live under the belief that we, the
"Kinkos," are somehow more honorable, truthful, trustworthy, tolerant,
and just all around better than them stuck-up, frustrated, unhappy,
dishonest, and ignorant vanilla folk? That our relationships are
somehow better? That D/s is based on medieval dungeons and dragons
crap? HA! This isn't fantasy. Just because they signed up for this
lifestyle does not automatically make them (or you) honorable,
truthful, or trustworthy. Whatever, their problem was before they came
here, they did not leave it at the door, they brought it with them. People
do not change, only their environment changes. Bad out there is worse
in here. Our lifestyle is more permissive and, therefore, more
dangerous. This IS Kansas,Toto, and what we are doing here is real,
not fantasy. More, not less, caution must be observed here. There is
no medieval Knight in Shining Armor or Dominant Prince Charming or
submissive Snow White Princess. No Goddess Domme Queen or perfect male
lackey. There is only real life and no amount of dungeon talk will
make it any different. You must exercise good judgment and use common
sense here just like any place else. If you do, and approach this as
learning and growing experience, the rewards are great. If you don't,
you have come to the wrong place.
THE EVOLUTION
Most of you haven't been around long enough to have experienced the
"closed community" that we once were. This was the time before
computers. During this
time the community was serene and basically trustworthy. Primarily,
because
we were very hard to find. The "communities" that existed then were
small cliques, very private, and very protective of their lifestyle.
In those days sponsorship was virtually required for admittance and a
probationary period governed by mentors was the general rule.
Consequently, there was uniform orientation and education. A Code of
Honor, based upon duty, truth, and loyalty was shared by all. Control
existed because dishonorable behavior resulted in expulsion, with
nowhere to turn. Other than the occasional "political" contest this
was a time of peaceful exploration, invention, and camaraderie.
THE REVOLUTION
And then one day, there appeared on the horizon a great microGod
bearing little "windows" for everyone which were filled with open
"Gates" to everything in the world. Suddenly, we were exposed and
vulnerable. As if our chat rooms and websites were the new statuary
beacon, the bored, the frustrated, the lonely, the psychotic, the
dysfunctional, the genuinely interested, and the just curious invaded
our boundaries behaving like wild elephants stomping around in a field
full of land mines gazing starry-eyed at all the wondrous new sights
and sounds. The audible intake of their collective
breaths could be heard throughout the land when they discovered our
permissive
attitude towards sexual experiences, our libido stirring methods, and
the sensation
producing "toys" we had developed. Parroting newly learned medieval
dungeon cliches, they brushed aside our warning words of caution,
denounced their former existence, and ordained themselves as members
of the roundtable of this lifestyle without so much as a "may I" or a
"thank you." While the majority of these newcomers were basically good
people seeking to find a place for themselves here, the sudden and
free availability of a playground where it was not only OK, but, they
were actually encouraged to act out their long suppressed desires and
fantasies was just too enticing and caused them to scoff at the notion
that a period of time was necessary for them to convert the old "vanilla"
habits, fully subscribe to the concept, and learn the ABC's of this
life. They
took over the chat rooms and most of the lists, became "experienced"
after only a
few weeks or months, and created a hot damn pseudo BDSM cyber
propelled lifestyle
which bears little resemblance to the real thing. Perfunctory protocol
and respect virtually disappeared overnight. Our terminology has been
redefined so many times, now, that a user unfriendly language has
evolved wherein every statement has to be prefaced with "In my
opinion" or the author faces a veritable lynch mob of chat roosters
and hens with cyber foam flying from their rabid fingertips. With
their "many" years of experience (two years in the chat room) they
authoritatively expound plagiarized quotations out of context which
only misleads and adds to the confusion already in the minds of the
newcomers.
D/s
What follows here is an attempt to put into proper perspective the
basic concept
of the D/s lifestyle and, hopefully, dispel some of the new
generational misperceptions which have been created in the name of
"opinions." None of the following is "my" opinion, conception, or
perception. The basics which are in this lifestyle are and those that
aren't just aren't. D/s is natural and simple and the less complicated
or opinionated you make it the better off you are. It is domination
and control on the one side and submission and relinquishing control
on the other. The degree and specifics of each relationship vary with
each individual and the only thing that really matters is that
whatever works for you is right for you regardless of what anyone else
thinks about
it. However, without an understanding of and adherence to the basic
concept of D/s,
NO alternative lifestyle relationship can survive. Many of those
basics have been lost in the shuffle and some common abuses need to be
pointed out. First, is terminology:
MASTER / MISTRESS
These are two of the most commonly misused terms in D/s. Titles carry
a very specific meaning and NO dominant may aggrandize themselves
through self ordainment as a Master or Mistress. In the D/s
relationship, these titles must be EARNED. It is bestowed upon them
ONLY by one who considers them to be their Master or Mistress and they
and ONLY they may properly address them as such. Even when
introducing them to another they should say this is "MY"
Master/Mistress and not introduce them as just Master/Mistress so and
so. What the hell are they Master/Mistress of? Titles are not
meaningless. Also, a dominant may never order a submissive to refer to
them as
Master/Mistress and a submissive may never address them as such unless
they are, in fact. Their Master/Mistress.
A screen name that begins with Master/Mistress is supposed to tell you
that they
have a sub who has ordained them or that they have been accorded the
title by
general consensus of their peers for their achievements and/or
accomplishments
within this lifestyle, otherwise, their screen name should NOT be
preceded by
the title. It IS proper to include these terms in descriptor context
such as "A
Gentle Master or A sensual Mistress," but, to declare oneself
"Maryville Master"
is wrong simply because it is a misnomer. They are not, in fact, the
Master of
Maryville. This is basic, not subject to "opinion," and not to be
confused with
protocol. Protocol is a matter of individual preference, like whether
a sub
calls all dominants Sir or Ma'am. Some do, some don't. Either way is
right for them or edicted by their chosen Master/Mistress.
Some dominants have been granted titles by an organization they belong
to, but,
that title is only applicable within or in reference to that
organization and
should not be used otherwise. It is, also, proper to refer to one as a
Master of
a particular method or instrument, such as the single tail or knife
play, but,
only in that context.
Titles, such as Grand Master or Grand Matriarch, have been bestowed to
a very
few in this lifestyle by general consensus as a matter of respect for
their
lifestyle accomplishments, knowledge, commitment, and honorable code
of conduct
over many years. They are viewed as the elders of the community and
honored by
all.
SLAVE
The term "slave" has no place in D/s. Once a person contracts to be a
slave, they
no longer have any rights and, therefore, remove themselves from the
category of
D/s. Generally, it takes years and a journey through many stages for a
person to
accept themselves as slaves. Slave is the most misused term we have.
There is no
such thing as a "part time slave." Many a submissive has referred to
themselves
as slaves to indicate the depth of their submission and trust in their
Master
and sometimes they will use it to complain about their treatment ("I'm
nothing,
but, a slave to him!"). Dominants will sometimes refer to their subs
as slaves
in a playful way ("Come here, slave"), or as part of a particular
scene, or
maybe just to make a point or to punish like gagged, cuffed, and kept
on a leash
for a while. But, there is a world of difference between being a
submissive and
being a slave.
The submissive has rights and can leave at anytime. A slave is exactly
that,
owned property, with no rights other than those given them by their
owner. They
may be bought or sold or given away, just like cattle, with no choice
in the
matter. Anything belonging to the slave belongs to their owner. While the
Dom/sub relationship is consensual, the slave can be forced to do the
owner's
bidding. A slave has no safe word. He/she is totally at the mercy of
the owner!
The slave is at the extreme end of the spectrum. Slavery is almost
always entered into by contract for a specific amount of time and the
slave is ABSOLUTELY bound by the terms of that contract. Upon
expiration the slave is released and free to go or sign another
contract with that or another owner or even stop being a slave if they
choose. These
contracts are considered binding and must be respected within the
community, but,
will not hold in a court of law. All forms of slavery are illegal in
this country.
So long as the owner/slave participants are true lifestyle individuals
the relationship will satisfy both parties needs, be healthy, and have
a happy ending. It may even conclude as a permanent relationship.
However, the slave is the most at risk individual in our lifestyle and
the relationship must be entered into with great care and only by an
experienced person.
THE COLLAR
In the D/s world the collar is the symbol of commitment. The collar
may NEVER be
requested by the submissive. It must be offered by the dominant. It
may be offered as a "training" collar or as a "contracted" collar. A
collar can, also, be given and accepted without a formal contract. The
"training" collar is, in essence, an engagement ring (a trial period
to test the relationship before making a final commitment). It may
consist of any conditions or time limits agreed upon by the parties. A
"contracted" collar is a wedding band and the collaring ceremony is
the wedding in this lifestyle. Most of what
transpires in these ceremonies is individual preference, but
generally, a contract
has been negotiated by the two and drawn up, read aloud by both as a
declaration of their commitments and then signed as a formal and
binding conclusion to the ceremony. This may be done in private or
with witnesses. The Collaring is a very serious affair and should not
be entered into without soul searching, forethought and extensive
discussion by the parties. Once the submissive accepts the collar they
automatically make the dominant their Master/Mistress and are
unilaterally bound by the terms of the agreement. Likewise, so is the
dominant. Any violation is grounds for dissolution (divorce).
Either party has the right to dissolve the contract at any time. In
all cases, the collar is the property of the dominant and must be
returned to them. The wearing of a collar not given by a dominant is
strictly forbidden and no dominant may approach a submissive wearing a
collar without the permission of the collars owner. If a dominant is
approached by a collared sub they are honor bound to determine if the
sub has permission to do so.
RESPECT
In the world of D/s, predilection is not the measuring stick for
respect. This attitude that so many have that a dominant is somehow
superior to the submissive and, therefore, more deserving of respect
is ludicrous. The submissive deserves just as much respect for their
submissiveness as the dominant does for their dominance. In the first
place, a dominant cannot be dominant without a submissive and visa
versa. They are interdependent upon each other. That fact alone makes
them equally deserving of respect, one from the other.
Simply because the submissive interacts as the subjugate in the
relationship does not demean their character or their stature as a
person. Conversely, dominance does not automatically elevate one. They
are equal partners in the relationship, each fulfilling the others
needs, and, therefore, entitled to equal respect for what each brings
to the relationship.
The type of dominant or submissive one is, Sadist or Doormat,
Sensualist or
masochist, Disciplinarian or Brat, matters not. They are still
entitled to respect. In this lifestyle one does not choose their
predilection. They are what they are. The whole point of our lifestyle
is that we are free to pursue our own natural course absent
condemnation so long as we adhere to the principles of SSC.
To arbitrarily consider any person to be inferior and, therefore,
unentitled to
respect based solely upon a different predilection is judgmentalism
and bias in it's crassest form and it is wrong! Only those who do not
understand this are undeserving of respect.
I narrowly confine this to the world of domination and submission
(D/s) and this has nothing to do with respect, or the lack of it,
based upon individuality. The point I am making, is that to blatantly
consider anyone less entitled simply because they are physically,
racially, ideologically, or in any natural way oppositional prone to
your conceptions and preferences is dead wrong, fatal to any D/s
relationship, and automatically excludes the bearer of this attitude
from the lifestyle.
TRUST AND COMMUNICATION
The D/s relationship is based solely upon trust. (The love factor is
automatically assumed herein.) The depth of the relationship is equal
to the amount of that trust. It is very important to understand that
trust is never accorded automatically, it must be earned. Not by
words, but, by actions. If trust is the foundation, then communication
is the vehicle the
Relationship rides upon. The more honest and open the communication
the further,
faster, and deeper the relationship will grow.
SCENE PLAY IN D/s
Scene play is a very small percentage of what this lifestyle is about,
and yet almost all of our conversation and about 90% of all education
offered is about this 10%. It is no wonder that the new dominant's
attitude is that being able to flog properly maketh the dominant and
the one with the most toys and blackest vest is the best. In the first
place, scene play is not about equipment or style or technique and
most importantly it is not about the how the dominant looks. Scene
play is the consummation of the overall relationship and the quality
of it is determined by how deep their understanding of this lifestyle
is, how much trust has been developed, the quality of the
communication, and how tuned into each other the subjects are. It is
the interaction between the TWO
of them that makes it happen!!! It makes no difference what the
dominant uses or
how he uses it. That is not the focus. It is the subs reactions to
what the dominant is
doing that matters. That is where the attention needs to be focused.
Learning how to use a flogger is necessary, but, that is all it is,
necessary. Flogging never ever put a sub in space. Only the dominant
can do that.
Flip everything over and you have the subs side of it. They bear the
same responsibilities from the opposite end. Scene play is
action/reaction. If the sub does not react openly and honestly to what
the dominant is doing the scene will fail to produce the desired
result. The subs reactions are a road map for the dominant. They tell
him when to go, when to stop, when to turn, when to go slow, and when
to speed up. The only way for the sub to determine the quality of the
dominant in scene play is if they are sending the dominant true
signals to read.
Beginners should always use some form of safe words or signals such as
(the most
common) the traffic light. Red, yellow, and green which mean exactly
the same
thing for this. And, a submissive ALWAYS has the right to say NO! No
exceptions!
Nothing is ever done in scene play that is not Safe, Sane, and
Consensual. That
is the one ironclad unbreakable rule!
Submission does not absolve one from any responsibility. They can't
just be a
lump of clay waiting around to be molded by the right dominant. They
have to be
able to recognize the right dominant when they show up and they have
to be able
to recognize when it is not the right one. And they can't do it unless
they understand why the hell they are here! For both, that knowledge
or the pursuit of it is what separates the pretenders from the real
lifestyle people.
THE RIGHT REASONS
I saved this for the end instead of the beginning because I don't
believe that very many of us really understand why the hell we are
here until we have actually savored the different experiences
available, for that is how we really find out just what it is that
floats our particular boat. However, your reason for being here is the
one single determinant as to whether you SHOULD be here or not. If you
find that what turns you on is just the kinky sex, open mindedness,
and permissive attitude, go home! If this is only weekend fun for
you, go home! Or, go find a swingers group. Submissives are not
hookers you don't have to pay and dominants are not super studs who
will treat you to sensation space for the
night. D/s lifestylers are "normal" people pursuing what is natural
for them. Domination or submission is their way of life. It IS their
life! ALL their life. ALL the time.
THE END
Anyone who attains this level of understanding has the right to refer
to themselves as "Lifestyle." Anything beyond this is personal
preference and should be prefaced by "in my opinion." The genius of
our Lifestyle is that there is no right or wrong outside of SSC.
Therefore, each individual can adjust, alter, and adapt it to
themselves. There is no school one may attend to receive official
certification or a degree in any of this. There is no union one can
join as an apprentice and work their way up through a prescribed
regimen to Master something or other. There are a multitude of books
written by various and sundry people which one can read unto infinity,
however, each and every one of
these is nothing other that the writers perception, conception, or
opinion. We
have no recognized authority to provide accreditation for any of it.
No matter
how much research one does, their view, in the final analysis will be
their own philosophy. Anything you, I, or anyone else says will be, in
fact, an opinion.
The amount of credibility one's opinion has is determined by the number of
people who share it.
The beauty of our Lifestyle is that there is no requirement to
conform, i.e., no judgmentalism. No stated philosophy may be called a
judgment simply because it disagrees with another. Only if and when
the author "demands" conformity to their viewpoint, does their
statement become judgmental.
NOTE: I deliberately excluded the subject of Mentoring due to the fact
that
there are not enough qualified Mentors for the overwhelming number of
newcomers
now upon us. However I strongly recommend that newcomers seek information,
advice, and counseling only from those with five or more years of REALTIME
experience.
