Respect for your sub/slave

I have a question that's been going around in my head for quite awhile now. As a submissive to my Master, I always, always, ALWAYS respect him both as my dominant and as a person. This is fairly easy for me, as I find him to be intelligent, creative, and receptive (all qualities that I greatly admire :)

I have enough self-respect to be able to realize that I too possess these qualities and I was just wondering how those of you who are dominant in nature respect your submissives/slaves (if you do at all). This is not a biased question-- if you don't, then you don't. I have often heard of a slave being compared to a cherished pet or possession. In comparison-- I love my kitty with all of my heart, but I wouldn't say that I respect him (because he's a kitty and he's on a mental level that is far below me).

My Master tells me that he respects me as his submissive and as an individual, but after turning this over and over in my head, I still have my doubts (which I've voiced to him). He likes to call me his pet, and I like being his pet, but there's this little voice inside my head that says it's demeaning to my character. I would like to make it shut up ;) I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it is possible to submit completely to someone and still retain your sense of self-worth and self-respect.

hrm.. I do not have nothing but respect for my wife who is also my sub. a very high respect and regard for her . She is cherished as no other.
I have a pet in wlg... She is also respected as a person, as one who is seeking to grow.
In my eyes it is neither demeaning or disrespectful to be one's pet..

If one is submissive , in my opinion , They deserve a lot of respect that raises them above others for being able to do something most could / would not do.

Sure some Doms do not give respect to their submissives.. it is part of the role they wish to be played by another and there are some subs who want that kind of role. It's not my way nor of that of those I would choose to want.

I'm sure others will have varying opinions.

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Originally Posted by fireandice

I have a question that's been going around in my head for quite awhile now. He likes to call me his pet, and I like being his pet, but there's this little voice inside my head that says it's demeaning to my character. I would like to make it shut up ;) I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it is possible to submit completely to someone and still retain your sense of self-worth and self-respect.

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Hmmm...think of it this was. Has a man ever called you (or have you ever called a guy) "baby". or "pumpkin" or any of those gushy, silly names that we all use at times? One doesn't have a lot of respect for a baby or a pumpkin but I bet that if you were ever called that you never though of it that way, right?
I love it more than almost anything when Master called me pet, or little one or even His slut. To me these are terms of endearment and I treasure them.
What tells me that I am respected is the way I am treated and he treats me like the an intelligent equal who has offered my gift of submission; not like a possession that he has casually acquired. If this is the way you are treated, then I say "SHUT UP" little voice inside fireandice's head. *grins*
I hope this helps. "peace" ~blizz~

He is Dominant, I am submissive; we both need each other; we are different and equal.

cariad

I have given this whole issue a fair amount of thought only I have been looking at it from a different angle. I know any submissive I want is someone who -to use words related to the topic you brought up- deserves a fair amount of my respect as a near equal. This brings to question why I am dominant and she submissive if we are both equal.

The short and simple answer is the situation is like it is because we both want it that way and committed to each other in this way.

So how would I respect her? I would respect her like I would respect any other person close to me. But that’s a simple sentence that’s not so simply implemented into a real D/s relationship, which at its core says one is above the other somehow.

It seems to me from the focus of your post that your Master doesn’t disrespect you or do anything to disrespect you, rather you are trying to square the idea of both being respected and submitting at the same time.

To directly give you an answer to your problem I would have to ask you why you submit. Do you submit because you are less intelligent? Because he’s a man and you’re a woman and therefore are somehow under him? Or do you submit because you want to submit. I would think the latter from your post. If you only submit because you want to submit what’s demeaning about that? It's just a part of who you are rather than something that's needed because you are lacking somehow.

Thank you so much for all the nice responses!! It made my head do some more thinking, and I asked myself why I have the desire to submit in the first place. I remembered back to when I was little and I always let my sister play with the only Barbie that we hadn't cut all the hair off of :) How happy I was when my mom watched my ballet recital and cried because she was so proud of me. Silly things, but the more I remember, the more I realize that pleasing others makes me truly happy. For the first time, I think I'm embracing who I really am instead of pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm so glad you all realize my Master has never disrespected me-- I didn't mean for it to sound like that at all!! He's told me many times how proud He is of me and how special I am to Him. I do feel that He respects me and my submission to Him-- but I was still trying to work out the "how" part in my head.

I guess sometimes I just start to doubt myself-- it's a bad habit I have that Master is trying to help me break:) Thanks so much for all the input-- keep it coming if you have more! I like hearing everyone's ideas and thoughts.

The problem here as I see it, is that the term "respect" is in the vanilla world extremly culturally coloured. If we respect someone we are suposed to do "this" and "that", but absolutely not "that".

As far as respect is concearned, our actions is of no consequence only the feelings behind it, our motives and the wishes of the recipient. My slave enjoys being humiliated. Most things I do and say to my slave would be extremly disrespectful if done or uttered to anybody else.

I'm assuming that the whole basis of this question is based on the vanilla interpretation of respect. I think it's most useful to see the people of the vanilla world as little children who only have a rudimentary knowledge of how humans function. I most often find the vanilla aproach to judging level of respect given most often laughable.

Judging the level of respect you are given by others is very complex.

I call Mishka kitten all the time, but I do not think she is a kitten. I have the deepest respect for her in all things, if I did not I could not love her. Just because she is my sub does not mean she is not a person, or that she is unworthy of respect.

fireandice,

I think you trying to work out the "how" of why your Master respects you as his submissive is a very natural thing to do. I know when I first recognised that I was submissive, I used to wonder about how I could be equal and still be a sub. What I have learnt is that it is that very submissiveness that my Master respects. He knows it is a gift and that it is my choice to give it to him.

Good luck in your journey and in quietening that inner voice.

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Originally Posted by Aussiegirl1

fireandice,

I think you trying to work out the "how" of why your Master respects you as his submissive is a very natural thing to do. I know when I first recognised that I was submissive, I used to wonder about how I could be equal and still be a sub. What I have learnt is that it is that very submissiveness that my Master respects. He knows it is a gift and that it is my choice to give it to him.

Good luck in your journey and in quietening that inner voice.

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I think your post is very accurate as to how it should be seen, ie. a gift of self is ultimate. IMO.

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Originally Posted by cariad

He is Dominant, I am submissive; we both need each other; we are different and equal.

cariad

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Well said cariad...

the key word is Need each other....ceegee is my slave but first before all else she is my strength and she is a beautiful woman because without her qualities and devotation to serve Me beyond all else I would not be able to display my Mastery in its best form.

As my ceegee grows so do I.

Most importantly we are both people which makes us equal. I worship and adore her as she does Me.

All relationships in our lifestyle are differant, in my case ceegee is also my partner and even though she is my slave, I respect her ability and her freedom of speech.

Mastery is not about telling one what to do its about listening and observing the needs of yours and acting accordingly by example. Because as she/he serves you in the best possible way in turn its a two way street. One sided BDSM has a short lifespan.

My advice to all those in our lifestyle is dont be afraid to ask your Master/Mistress questions and if you doubt there devotation to you talk about it. It might just surpise you. As a Dominant We sometimes forget to show how we feel sometimes...gentle reminders never hurt..smile

After All we are Human smiles.

I hope this has helped in some way.

Benz ( Proud Master to ceegee)..

PS. to my ceegee without your love, commitment and devotation, my life wouldnt be as perfect as it is. for that I thankyou my sweet kitten. smiles at her with my dark eyes.

well said Benz.

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Originally Posted by Benz{ceegee}

PS. to my ceegee without your love, commitment and devotation, my life wouldnt be as perfect as it is. for that I thankyou my sweet kitten. smiles at her with my dark eyes.

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*blushes* awwwww

and without your love, devotion and commitment to me....my life is not worth living. You are my everything. With each other's guidance we learn to grow stronger....to become as one soul...as it should be

smiles back at you

awww...

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Originally Posted by Wolfscout

well said Benz.

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thanks Mate..

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Originally Posted by ceegee{Benz}

*blushes* awwwww

and without your love, devotion and commitment to me....my life is not worth living. You are my everything. With each other's guidance we learn to grow stronger....to become as one soul...as it should be

smiles back at you

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:hubba: xx just speaking from the heart n soul my girl

^ I know my Master....as am I...smiles

Benz and ceegee

just WOW

~hugs~

minxy xxx

best to lead by examples. that should help others to see. smiles.

Thank you Wolf and minxy...smiles

The respect that Benz and I have for each other is out of this world.
The bond that we also have probably makes some people jealous chuckles.

You see the key to success is to talk...to listen...to air opinions....to understanding each other.... as Benz said earlier we are all human after all, no matter what lifestyle we all lead.

Not only am I my Master's slave, I am also his partner...his girl....and his fiancee. We are both as equal in our relationship.
I stand by every choice and desission he makes and vice versa and support each other through what ever life throws at us.

The hardest part for us at the moment is the distance (wails) but we get through it...as all good sturdy and healthy relationships do...smiles


ceegee

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Originally Posted by ceegee{Benz}

Thank you Wolf and minxy...smiles

The respect that Benz and I have for each other is out of this world.
The bond that we also have probably makes some people jealous chuckles.

You see the key to success is to talk...to listen...to air opinions....to understanding each other.... as Benz said earlier we are all human after all, no matter what lifestyle we all lead.

Not only am I my Master's slave, I am also his partner...his girl....and his fiancee. We are both as equal in our relationship.
I stand by every choice and desission he makes and vice versa and support each other through what ever life throws at us.

The hardest part for us at the moment is the distance (wails) but we get through it...as all good sturdy and healthy relationships do...smiles


ceegee

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Well said my lover...Let Me add the key to our success is the will we both have to *please* one another. There is nothing forced or false in what we do together smiles...

My wife is also my sub. She is beautiful, sexy and most importantly the person who I respect more than any other. For her to give her self to me knowing certain things she is not comfortable with she still does them for me. That to me is love everlasting so how can you not respect that.

I have said this before but I will say it again. Three words guide me through life Honor, Respect and Pride. I have all of these for my morgan like no one else in my life. I am confident that she has all of these for me.

Not quite sure what Tom is saying, I was taught that these words are next to mystical for the Life and work well in the vanilla world too.

I once read that men want to be respected in a relationship and women want to be cherished, that they needed these things on a level of man and women being two different hardwired beings. that the emotional needs were different and that was not a bad thing just that its been forgotten by many people these days.

I think it rang true in a BDSM relationship very much. A sub should be cherished for what they give and any dom worth submitting to, respected. Does that mean the Dom does not respect the sub nor the sub cherish the Dom? No it means that the stronger need is the above feelings first in them both.

Think about how being truly cherished feels, whether you are a pet, slave, sub, wife, partner or whatever label is given. Think about how real respect from someone feels. Think about how when you are able to make sure the way you feel is felt and accepted the other person glows or becomes taller, proud to be held in such esteem. The ugly person becomes beautiful in that light and strong for the other person. You see them for who they really are and still hold the feelings of respect and cherishing as true.

When you are able to truly feel what the other person holds in thier heart for you, you know and are never able to accept any less from anyone. It is something that unless you have been there you will never realise what you are missing. I can not express how making someone feel like they are the only person worthy of my love or submission or dominance and all of who I am makes me powerful. How knowing without a doubt they hold me in the same way and that they truely know me warts and all and still see me on a pedistal.

You can never fall that way because your feet were always on the ground. I know this is getting mushy but respect and cherish are two words seldom given the importance that they should have and they can be everything. It may even be the definistion of true love who knows.....

Very well said Widget, I tell morgan all the time that I love her and cherish her and now I know why it has that effect on her.

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

I have said this before but I will say it again. Three words guide me through life Honor, Respect and Pride. I have all of these for my morgan like no one else in my life. I am confident that she has all of these for me.

Not quite sure what Tom is saying, I was taught that these words are next to mystical for the Life and work well in the vanilla world too.

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What I'm saying is that nobody outside a relationship can look in and by only judging the actions taking place, judge if any party is being disrespected. It's far more complicated. Respect also covers a wide variety of things. It's not just what you do, but your mental stance. In my experience, respect in the vanilla world is only about doing or not doing certain things. Following rules. The mental bit is most often forgotten.

...and much too few people have any self-respect.

No one outside can be the judge is something that is very true in any aspect of life. What happens in the internal world of intimacy is what is the reality of a relationship that is only really understood by the people inside. In the end of it all it is all that matters anyway.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

...and much too few people have any self-respect.

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That's absolutely true. I couldn't submit without a healthy self-respect - else what we do would be damaging to me mentally and emotionally. Instead, it elevates me. :) Perhaps a lack of self-respect is part of the reason why I was unable to accept my submissive nature for so many years...hmmm. I just learned something. :rolleyes:

I know I haven't posted here in awhile, but I would like to give a viewpoint here, if I may. If you ever think about, or see other married couples (which I have) many of my co-workers have had bbq's or we have invited them over for dinner etc. What I see in the "vanilla" world, is a total lack of respect for each other. The bickering, the arguments, etc. The quality of respect is just not there because they are always trying to have "equal" power, whether it be over finances, children, or what they are going to do.

My slave mia and I have often looked at each other during these bickerings, and fights, that yes have happened right in front of us, and just stare in awe. It is quite an uncomfortable situation in all honesty. Other couples have often asked us how we are so close, and loving with one another. My answer to them is that we communicate effectively, and we respect the needs of the other. Of course, in our aspect, I respect the fact that she goes above and beyond to do the things that I ask of her, and that she tries from her being to serve me to the best of her ability. Does her serving me give me a lack of respect? Definitely not, I respect what she does more than anyone can know. Just as, she respects me for my guidance, love, support, and yes strictness when needed.

A person submits because they want to. Not because it is taken from you. A person giving their submission is not a disrespectful thing to do. A Master is supposed to take care of their submissive/slave, and always think before they do something. If that is not respect for the other person, than I do not know how else to narrow this down. Yes there are many areas of abuse in the lifestyle unfortunately, but those people are not Dominants, they are just abusing the "ego" of it all.

Jay

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Originally Posted by JayTC

I know I haven't posted here in awhile, but I would like to give a viewpoint here, if I may. If you ever think about, or see other married couples (which I have) many of my co-workers have had bbq's or we have invited them over for dinner etc. What I see in the "vanilla" world, is a total lack of respect for each other. The bickering, the arguments, etc. The quality of respect is just not there because they are always trying to have "equal" power, whether it be over finances, children, or what they are going to do.

My slave mia and I have often looked at each other during these bickerings, and fights, that yes have happened right in front of us, and just stare in awe. It is quite an uncomfortable situation in all honesty. Other couples have often asked us how we are so close, and loving with one another. My answer to them is that we communicate effectively, and we respect the needs of the other. Of course, in our aspect, I respect the fact that she goes above and beyond to do the things that I ask of her, and that she tries from her being to serve me to the best of her ability. Does her serving me give me a lack of respect? Definitely not, I respect what she does more than anyone can know. Just as, she respects me for my guidance, love, support, and yes strictness when needed.

A person submits because they want to. Not because it is taken from you. A person giving their submission is not a disrespectful thing to do. A Master is supposed to take care of their submissive/slave, and always think before they do something. If that is not respect for the other person, than I do not know how else to narrow this down. Yes there are many areas of abuse in the lifestyle unfortunately, but those people are not Dominants, they are just abusing the "ego" of it all.

Jay

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That was very well put and beautifully said. Thank you.

How can one not respect a slave? To accept a gift is easy. To give is much harder, and yet mine gave themselves to me freely with nothing held back and continue to give with every breath that they take — 24/7 with no limits beyond my common sense and no way for them to quit with honour. I rule their lives!

I know AG has already heard this but, seven years ago, in pursuit of her dream of total enslavement, my alpha flew a third of the way around the planet to give herself to me sight-unseen. Not only that but we have had an ocean and a continent between us for the last four years.

Hell, alpha is a beautiful young woman, twenty years my junior, and surrounded by people telling her she’s crazy to stick with me. I couldn’t stop her running if I tried. And yet she remains and will remain, if not for love then for honour — as fiercely loyal, dutifully obedient and brave as any samurai.

I do more than respect her. I admire her strength. Anyone who sees nothing to respect in such courage and devotion, doesn’t know the meaning of the word!

And yet, I can see how easy it is to get confused when, by the standards of the vanilla world, what is demanded of a submissive may well indicate the very opposite of respect. I know my puddle suffered that confusion a while back and is, I suspect, having a little relapse right now.

I don’t want to gross anyone out with the details but the fact is, puddle is an emotional masochist and an humiliation-slut. Having quit my service once before, unable to accept kindness … Well, let’s just say that if I was to call it ‘pet’, I think alpha would have to call a doctor to help puddle over the shock of such praise.

But does treating puddle like shit mean that I don’t respect and admire it? Absolutely not! Less than three years ago, puddle was conservative middle America personified. Now, it considers no act of self-effacement too degrading to show its obedience and sincerity. That takes some special kind of determination. How could I not respect that?

What it comes down to, I guess, is that it is all a matter of perspective. No act is inherently degrading. No name is inherently humiliating. It is only our perceptions that make them so.

Change perceptions and suffering to be treated even worse than a dog can become, not a crushing of self-esteem, but a source of real pride — “In obedience, i have done what no ordinary woman would do which makes me not less but more!”

I think puddle gets that. I think, little by little, it has come to see each new humiliation heaped upon it for what it truly is — not something done out of malice to demean it, but a new opportunity offered to shine and take pride in achievement. It’s all in the mind!

TomStraye,
Well said! not in the specific details of your relationship but in the knowledge that sub/slave go where I couldn't and do that for us Doms willingly takes great strength and a sense of true purpose

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

TomStraye,
Well said! not in the specific details of your relationship but in the knowledge that sub/slave go where I couldn't and do that for us Doms willingly takes great strength and a sense of true purpose

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Thank you. Although, for the record, when I first started I did switch for a while just to find out how it felt to be on the recieving end. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't believe in ordering anyone to do what I would not do myself — at least in principle, biology permitting.

Except, I realise now that, while it was possible for me to get some idea of how much things hurt, for example, I can never truly feel things the way a submissive feels them. It's just how our brains are wired, I guess.

But it really pisses me off (when I'm not too busy laughing) to hear people talking about submissives as though they were weak-willed, weak-minded doormats not worth spitting on, much lest respecting.

It's just not true! They just have a different kind of strength and a different kind of will. After all, which takes more strength of character? To stick with what one has always been taught is 'natural' or to accept the need to change and follow the new ways of one's Owner?

I know what I think.

And d'you know what's really odd Neither alpha nor I are Christian but we both have a favourite Book of the Bible — the Book of Ruth.: the story of a woman who gave up all that was dear and natural to her to follow her Master. Odd that the vanilla world sees her a a role-mode to be respected and yet looks down upon slaves who do no less every day of their lives.

Just a thought.

ok sorry if i am a tad late. i am going through posts and reading things. i have two quotes that have touched me alot about DS relationships and i wanted to share.

first one is about a Dom male talking about how he feelings in his relationship:

This is the symbol of our relationship: my strong hug to protect her and her devoted submission. All in a nice and rich frame.
The two bodies nearly merge in a single one: dominant and submissive, two specular unequals that match and merge in one balanced entity.


the second is from an unkown author but i thought was good to include.


There are really two kinds of submissives in the world: those who believe they don't deserve any better…and those who believe they don't deserve any less.


So i think what i am basically trying to say at least in my case, we respect one another in ways no one else outside can understand. i hope this made some sense at least.

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Originally Posted by TomStraye

How can one not respect a slave?

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If let's say hypothetically the Master is an idiot, I could imagine it possible for him not to respect his slave.

I have intense respect for the intelligence, character, and good taste of any woman willing to sleep with me. That goes triple for those who want me to tie them up too.

Seriously, I respect a sub just as I respect any other person I choose to have a relationship with vanilla, platonic, etc.

Agreed whole-heartedly! Excellent post. Whereas i have not gone through what your pets have, we've all had our own personal stumbling blocks. It's really wonderful that you could put that into words!

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Originally Posted by Aussiegirl1

fireandice,

I think you trying to work out the "how" of why your Master respects you as his submissive is a very natural thing to do. I know when I first recognised that I was submissive, I used to wonder about how I could be equal and still be a sub. What I have learnt is that it is that very submissiveness that my Master respects. He knows it is a gift and that it is my choice to give it to him.

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Hi Ag and fireandice - it's more than the submissiveness that is respected (at least for me, and I'm sure for many other Dominants as well). My girl has other qualities besides submission - and I respect those greatly - she does some things I could never do...the names I call her - including pet - are terms of endearment (perhaps with different meanings and connotations than in the vanilla world) and respect for all her qualities, though her gift of submission is the greatest of them all.

I have vowed to be much less wordy, so this is the Reader's Digest condensed version of an Amber post:

When Master calls me His pet, it is because He has acknowledged and accepted me as such at my own offering. My submission to Him is, as so many others have mentioned, a gift. How, I wonder, is it direspectful to accept a gift freely offered?

Perhaps if there are fear or esteem based motivations behind the offering of one's self, then one should be looking inside to find the source of the feelings of disprespect and/or inferiority.

As with all human interactions and relationships, we have to begin by respecting everyone as a human being and grant them whatever dignity that implies. On the other hand, the ancient Romans had a concept or principle they called dignitas (you may want to see what Wikipedia has to say at length about this). In the Orient, it's known as "face." It represents the respect you earn by how you act and deal with life and people. People usually chip away at their own dignitas when they act like assholes or jerks, so they lose the respect of social standing. They can also lose respect by acting as if they are "owed" it without doing any "earning."

Generally, subs and slaves (even those into humiliation) still retain their dignity. Yes, a slave can submit fully with dignity, just as a Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress can behave and act with a certain humility and responsibility. As many have said before and I repeat, both subs/slaves and Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses often show courage and high personal qualities by the lifestyle they live, perhaps even more integrity and committment than normal (vanilla/whatever that may mean) people in their relationships.

Those who serve us deserve as much respect as they show us. I've been called a "New Age Master" because I don't treat subs or slaves as the old abusive slave owners of the past have done. Yes, they are property, but human property nonetheless, and more deserving of care, affection, respect, and admiration as anyone's most priceless Art. In a way, we become the curator of a treasure when we find that rare good sub or slave. If you wouldn't trash your favorite possession, why would you trash a living, breathing embodiment of what fulfills you?