full-time vs only in the bedroom

[arwcuw]

I haven't seen a thread on this subject, and it's a question I've been thinking a lot about.

How many people restrict BDSM activities to the bedroom (or wherever they have sex), and how many keep playing the roles whenever they're with their partner? Is either way more common than the other?

I ask because, though I've never had a partner, I'm sure I would only enjoy that kind of relationship within the confines of sexual activity; if my boyfriend started ordering me around in any other context, I would be offended.

So, which do you prefer? What would you say are the pros and cons of each lifestyle?

[Silke]

I guess I see myself as somewhere in between if that is possible at all. To me BDSM activities are not strictly limited to sexual scenes wherever those might take place. But on the other hand I just can't imagine living in a TPE relationship where my Dom makes every single decision for me...in fact, I think it might get boring for both sides after a while.

So...I enjoy doing tasks throughout the day for my Master and not all of them are directly linked to some sexual action...although the result for me IS a heightened level of arousal during the day just because I'm frequently reminded of the bond with my Master.

It's an interesting subject really...I hope that some more people will share their experiences and thoughts on this. I like your questions, arwcuw.

[_ID_]

Interesting thread, quite possibly it could be a poll.

My wife and I practice both in and out of the bedroom. I don't order around, and expect her to like it. I order around cause she likes it. So if your going to have it out of the bedroom it would be because you want him to do it, and he just as much as you want it, wants to order you around. Although it doesnt really have to be him ordering you around, its more of how you act around him, and then when you do get back to the bedroom he gets to spank your butt, and tie you up for saying anything wrong.

There are so many different ways to do BDSM, both in and out of the bedroom, that for me to tell you how to do it, I feel is rather rude on my part. I know I don't want anyone telling me how to do what I do.

I have learned a very important charateristic about BDSM while living here in Germany. I attend this club, its a dance/fetish club, and you can do many things there, and no one is going to tell you how your doing it is wrong. What I find most interesting about this club, is if I am spanking her butt, or using a crop or even a cane, barely anyone even takes notice. Its like they dont watch cause its more entertaining to take part in some other activity someplace else nearby. So you get to do what you want how you want (there are some rules, but they are so few it doesnt really interfere) how you want, and no one even looks. I love that atmostphere.

Anyway, great thread!!

V/R
ID

[Weena]

My boyfriend and I practice both also. I agree with what ID said.

So if your going to have it out of the bedroom it would be because you want him to do it, and he just as much as you want it, wants to order you around. Although it doesn't really have to be him ordering you around, its more of how you act around him, and then when you do get back to the bedroom he gets to spank your butt, and tie you up for saying anything wrong.

When we are in public,it is the little things that we do that only him or I would notice. At home, I wear a collar,not because I have to, but because I want to. Its the way I'm standing there, waiting for him at the front door when he gets home, with eyes down and this wicked smile on my face. The way I always bring him meals and take his plate when hes done. The way he strokes my hair when I sit at his feet, and so many others.
I would consider our relationship more D/s than TPE. He doesn't control every aspect of my life,but does control some.
After all If he tried to take away everything he loved about me, what would there be left?
~just my thoughts~

[His_pita]

He is the Dom and I am the sub. That is the way it is for us in and out of the bedroom. He doesn't order me around. He often tells me what he expects of me and I do my best to obey and to give a perfect effort. I don't like punishment, so I work hard on obeying his wishes. Yes, sometimes I don't like to do what I’m told, but I know he always has a good reason and I have agreed to submit to him so I do it.

Unfortunately, we have many real life issues, i.e. a teenager and my schooling that has to take center stage to us doing all we wish we could with our D/s and TPE. However, when we are able to be fully us, I want him to be in complete control of me. That is when I feel my most happiest and my most submissive.

[Ozme52]

The issue of trying to be full time is admitting you want to have a sexually charged lifestyle. D/s allows you to be reminded of things sexual at all times. All too many vanilla relationships die for lack of excitement.

Mere control/ownership smacks of being property... which creates no sexual tension and leads to a similar boredom.

So if you agree with those statements, then a full time relationship indeed becomes "BDSM activities [in] the bedroom (or wherever they have sex)" because you are in fact "having sex," at least mentally, in all the non-bedroom venues in which you are practicing D/s.

[her_Joe]

Arwcuw, you can see that there is a pretty wide spectrum of expectations and behaviors.

Am I right that you're pretty new to BDSM activity? If I'm right -- and I mean no disrespect in any case -- then you'll notice that pita and I (two posts up) are in a TPE (total power exchange), and for us the "details" of daily life do not get boring except when they necessitate us being non-BDSM (as real life often demands, but who said bill-paying, etc., would be fun?). Our relationship is currently D/s and will become, when we finally feel enough confidence in one another as well as in ourselves, M/s.

Others find BDSM a part-time activity. Some emphasize the D/s activity (out of the bedroom) and others emphasize the Top/bottom activity (in the bedroom).

Those who are exclusively active with BDSM in sex alone are often referred to as Tops and bottoms.

None of these are "better" than the other for anyone but yourself, so decide how you and yours want to live, then enjoy it. To do anything else makes no sense (imo).

Best wishes.
hJ

[Ruby]

I haven't seen a thread on this subject, and it's a question I've been thinking a lot about.

How many people restrict BDSM activities to the bedroom (or wherever they have sex), and how many keep playing the roles whenever they're with their partner? Is either way more common than the other?

Per http://www.sexresearch.org/

"To date, there have been very few thorough academic surveys of BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, & Sadism & Masochism) practitioners."

There is no clear answer to your question. Though, you may want to check out the website above that's trying to get more information.

A site like this doesn't have enough active members to provide a cross city, state, region or country sampling. Yet as you can see from the responses, what matters is what works for you and your partner(s).

I ask because, though I've never had a partner, I'm sure I would only enjoy that kind of relationship within the confines of sexual activity; if my boyfriend started ordering me around in any other context, I would be offended.

And yet, how many of us have thought the same thing, but found it very erotic or satisfying to have our D/S partner make gentle commands or practice the art of sensual domming and it spills out of the bedroom into the rest of our lives?

It's not always about sex, and for many its not about sex at all.

BDSM means means things to many people. Even the letters have dual meanings.

So, which do you prefer? What would you say are the pros and cons of each lifestyle?

Which do I prefer? It depends on my partner and our relationship.

The pros and cons? Again, that depends on the people in the relationship. What I might consider a con because of my personality type, another might consider a pro.

The more you explore, the more you realize that there are no hard and fast rules, no one dom or sub handbook, though we often joke about such things and there are guidebooks out there.

[eviana]

D/s permeates all aspects of my life with my Master and we are increasing it the longer we are together. It is subtle in the public domain but it is still there.

I have chosen to give him my servitude. That is a very important aspect of my relationship with Master; I have chosen to put him first, I have chosen to take care of his needs and desires and I have chosen to make him the centre of my life. I was the one who requested that we increase our D/s/, to move it beyond the door of the bedroom and make it part of our everyday living. It has proven to suit our natures and our lives contain elements of foreplay in it at all times because we like the dynamics that D/s sets up for us mentally. I love being his slave and all it entails and he loves being my Master.

As for being ordered around Master never orders me, he has never been rude, he has never yelled and he has never asked for something arbitrarily. He has never requested me to do something that is outside my limits or that I would find impossible to do. He has always requested me to do something with a quiet authority that I have come to respect and I accept that it is my responsibility to carry out his wants and needs without delay. It matters not whether he is asking for a glass of water or for me to bare my breasts at a fetish night, he expects to only make his request once. If I ignore or fail to carry it out I can expect to be punished unless I have an extremely good reason for not doing so. The worst punishment I can ever receive is Master's disapproval or his disappointment.

There are only pros in this lifestyle for me with my Master. The closeness and intimacy that he and I have achieved amazes us both. Neither of us would have us go back to having D/s only in the bedroom.

[myri_SN]

BDSm ist most obvious in the bedroom when playing or at clubs but he controls all the time. it might not be obvious most of the time but it's there. i think i would liek it more obvious but i certainly couldn't do wih bedroom only

[VixeyandPhoenix]

Hey guys, Vixey again -

We have a strong D/s relationship in and out of the bedroom. It's not always so obvious to those around us in public, but there are elements to our conversations and actions that are very suggestive, even if our more vanilla friends don't catch on to what we are really alluding to. The "in public" version of what we do is naturally more "censored" than what we do at home... but in one way or another, we are always living out our roles no matter where we are.

[Warbaby1943]

Per http://www.sexresearch.org/

It's not always about sex, and for many its not about sex at all.

BDSM means means things to many people. Even the letters have dual meanings.

So true that it is not always about sex. I pay for the joy of experiencing anything in the BDSM realm and never wanted it to involve sex in any manner. I think this also testifies to Ruby's second statement that I quoted above. In light of this I would have to say that it is neither in the bedroom or in everyday for me.

[vistana]

For me, it's an in the bedroom thing pretty much entirely. BDSM to me is sexual. Not always sex, but at least sexual.
I sometimes don't need orgasm tied in with the rest of the activites, especially when there's a good spanking involved, that tends to leave me feeling pretty much finished off, but generally BDSM and sex are intertwined.
I have little to no interest in any D/s activities outside of sex. Trying to get non-sexual submission out of me might get someone kicked. Or atleast glared at.

[Drake The Punisher]

I don't have the experience to speak personally, but my thoughts would be, it depends entirely on the individuals. I may or may not like a relationship of TPE. I wouldn't want to force a submissive to become involved in one if they weren't intereted, but if they liked the idea, I'd at least be willing to try. 24/7 seems to me (again, without any real experience, just some deduction and inference on my part) to be a difficult way to engage in a relationship...on the other hand, I'm not sure how many D/S couples keep their relationship completely in the bedroom either. I wouldn't be surprised that if the sub in 'strictly in the bedroom' relationship tended to defer to the dom's judgment outside the bedroom-but I wouldn't be shocked either way. Just my thoughts.


(Hi to anybody I haven't 'met' on the forums yet, I'm new)

[maddie]

It's an "only in the bedroom" thing for me, but I think that's because I'm not as into the D/s thing as much as bondage.

I fully respect the fact that a lot of people like to do the D/s thing 24/7, but it's not really something I can wrap my brain around. It works for some people, but it's not for me. We've talked about it, too, and he's not interested in it at all.

[csr]

For me, it started out entirely a "bedroom" thing. That was because it grew slowly out of kinky sex (you know the progression: add handcuffs, add clothespins, add gags, add whips, etc...). The more the D/S part grew in importance, the more separate from the sex act it became.

Now I get the same kind of rush from all kinds of activities--and some of them (discreet hair pulling, verbal domination, etc) can be done surreptitiously in public. Often this is just a pre-cursor to "play" later on, like foreplay is to sex, but sometimes it is just what it is.

We do have very busy lives though, AND a child at home so nothing too serious will take place in "public" time.

[Brittykat]

Ours is strictly in the "bedroom". Our outside lives do not allow for anything else to take place at this time. That could change, but not very soon.

[animanota]

My subwife has this issue where she needs to be in control most of the time so the D/s is resticted to when we have sex. I would like more control but so far its a no go.

[her_Joe]

As with many things, it's individual ... and that's no surprise because you can't really choose where it takes place, anymore than you really choose your orientation.

You're submissive because "that's who you are," and I'm dominant. I'm in a TPE and working to make it pervasive of every part of our lives ... again because anything else would not be totally satisfying.

Sure, on a given day, full of stresses and distractions, less will have to suffice sometimes. We have been together only a bit over 3 months, so we're still learning how to do this within the limits and possibilities of our personalities. But we believe that the best lies ahead, sometimes in the bedroom, sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes (rarely so far) in the store, and the other night even in the car.

hJ

[orchid]

we also live this in and out of the bedroom. i am expected to do certain things as a part of that, and i do them out of my desire to please Him. i was the one that requested we explore this lifestyle and i consider myself so lucky that not only did He agree, He enjoyed it!!

in public, we are discreet but the D/s is still there - He will say whether or not i can purchase an item i am admiring, or He will order for us both at a restaurant. He also has no issue whatsoever in leading me off to a unpopulated corner or alley and swatting my ass if i am being bratty.

for us, it is more D/s than TPE as i also work fulltime out of our home, therefore, some decisions must be left up to me in that regard but in our home, and at all times outside of working hours, i am His, to do with as he pleases.

respectfully
orchid

[Misato36]

At first I requested that it only remain in the bedroom. He agreed to this and it stayed this way for about a year. My master grew tired of staying in the bedroom and started to take it out of the bedroom. For instance he took me in the bathroom of my work place which made me angry at first but also filled with me some excitement. After that I started to agree to taking it outside of the bedroom as long as it was not blatantly obvious or around children. He complied with that.