Hello all..

I'm not quite sure how 2 word this so I'm going to just put it as clear and bluntly as I can and hopefully my point/question gets across.

For a long time now I knew that regular sex just wouldn't do it for me. The first time I had sex my mind kept wandering and I couldn't for the life of me stop thinking about how wrong it felt. The only time I truly felt pleasured or into it was when he'd do things that would cause a little pain or make sure I couldn't get away. I kept hoping he'd do more of those things but he never did. Eventually, we broke up.

I got another boyfriend but I figured I'd try out this internet long distance relationship thing because I thought I could be honest about how I felt sexually because we would never meet. I told him about my submissive tendencies and things I fantasized about. I don't think he was dominate to me because eventually the things I felt like I wanted became too much for him to even type them out for me. Furthermore, I felt like I would much rather dominate him than have him do me.

Which brings me to problem a) I have no idea what I'm doing. I am totally incapable of giving myself an orgasm through masturbation. My mind wanders and I actually get bored with it. I feel like somethings missing and I just get no where. Which leads 2 problem b) all the time I'm fantasizing about what it would be like to be dominated or something like that. I have no idea about how to go about finding a master or a dominate and to be completely honest I'm oblivious to when I attract male attention. This lead to c) I believe that when I find out someone likes me I become terrified of them. I trust people easily but I'm not sure if I could trust someone with this part of me that just craves to belong completely and utterly to one person, especially if I don't know them so well. But I know for a fact that vanilla sex just doesn't cut it. I start to think of everything but what we are doing. And the dominance play is the only way that I get excited enough to lose myself.

I'm not sure if I managed to make my problem clear but I hope I did. I really hope someone here can help me with this too.