Hi everyone, I have a question.

I've been interested in the bdsm lifestyle for quite a while now, though I've never really met a partner of any sort. For a while I had an online dom friend who was absolutely fantastic. We talked about everything, not just sexual things, but about me and philosophy and the world, just everything. We fell out when I decided to become religious, which is a phase that's since past, but that's beside the point. Anyway, since then I've tried to find other doms to talk to, as I'm submissive. The problem that I've run into is that everyone wants something from me right away. If they live far away they want me to cam, if they live in the area they want to meet.

I'm not looking for a random sexual relationship. Not only would I not be intimate with a complete stranger, I certainly am not going to be submissive to someone I just met and hasn't expressed an interest in any part of me except the parts he can fuck. I am a strong woman, with goals and plans and I'll admit I'm pretty controlling. I like my life mine and I don't like people having control over me because I don't trust anyone not to screw things up. So trust is a big issue for me, and I don't understand why there always seems to be this expectation that because I'm submissive I'll submit to anyone and as a dom you have some right to my submission. You don't get that right away, I've only met one person ever that I would have entered into an online or physical bdsm relationship with, and he got to know me and guided me and didn't mind that half the time I didn't know what I wanted because it was all new and very nerve-wracking for me. I don't give up control easily, but that doesn't mean I'm not hoping to find the right person. I'm very prideful, and not looking to be degraded. I want a partner, not a better. I know that I'm intelligent and capable and I don't want someone that represses or ignores that. I need to be respected too. I can't help what I crave, and I've fought it for a long time. I have so many buried desires, I know they're there, but I can't find them by myself. I need someone else that can see me and love me enough to find them for me. Sometimes it will be hard and stressful for me, and if you can't work through them with me, if it irritates you that it's a struggle for me sometimes then you're pretty useless. I have so many emotions riding in this hidden piece of me that I can't let someone in who can't be trusted implicitly. I want someone who knows I can submit only to them and will make me stronger for it, not tear me down. I would give everything I have. I need to give, it's a strong part of who I am and I desperately want someone who completes me in that way. This was kind of a ramble and maybe not very specific, but it's about so much more than sex for me.

Everyone I've talked to has told me that because I'm not willing to submit right away I'm not submissive, or can't handle it, or should try dating normally. This hurts because a solid bdsm relationship is something I really look forward to finding someday, but I understand myself and that I cannot submit to someone I don't respect completely and can't respect someone I don't know. I'm really frustrated because over time I've slowly come to believe that there isn't anyone out there who feels the same way about submission that I do, that's it's not something to be given lightly. I'm really posting this so that I can get a community opinion on whether I've just never found decent doms or if what I'm looking for isn't what this lifestyle provides.