sub needs dom advice

[zasvig]

well im a sub but i need the advise of a dom. my misstress (wife) and I are new to this and she is a nice girl and not verry agressive is there somthing to de done to help in this or will it have to be somthing she just learns over time

[Ozme52]

It depends on her natural inclinations.

If you read around, you'll notice that submissive women with husbands who are new to this are often frustrated by the slow pace and progress of their husbands. Add that men are supposedly the more aggressive gender, you may be in for a long wait. There do seem to be a number of Femdom support groups. I'd push her in that direction... of course that might be considered topping from the bottom. You have a conundrum. lol

Quite frankly, I'm coming to the opinion that there's a legitimate service to be had here.

The Wizard's University : Training Your Vanilla Spouse to Dominate For room board and travel expenses, the Wizard of Ahhhhhhs will train your husband dominate you.

Now I just need to hire an equally adept domme for the submen with vanilla wives. I could try but really don't have the desire to do that side of the street. weg

[jeanne]

Where do I sign him up? (somebody get me a damn pen...)

Oops - I forgot where I was for a minute - I'll get my own damn pen and may I bring you one also?

[annie]

Where do I sign him up? (somebody get me a damn pen...)

Oops - I forgot where I was for a minute - I'll get my own damn pen and may I bring you one also?

ROFL...

i want to sign up too! (or... well... sign up hubby actually... lol)

[Ozme52]

Where do I sign him up? (somebody get me a damn pen...)

Oops - I forgot where I was for a minute - I'll get my own damn pen and may I bring you one also?

ROFL...

i want to sign up too! (or... well... sign up hubby actually... lol)

There you go... just make the arrangements, set a date, and we'll have a five-some...

[zasvig]

well thank you all for the help

[Midnite]

There you go... just make the arrangements, set a date, and we'll have a five-some...

maybe we can set up a seminar at the training camp we are discussing, would you be willing to teach the seminar

[jeanne]

zasvig - we didn't mean to make light of your problem...sometimes we just have to laugh at ourselves.

Unfortunately, it does seem to be something that will take time. Like Oz said - read some of the other threads and you'll see that often it's a matter of 2 steps forward, 1 step back. For us anxious submissives, that's really hard to deal with, but if you want to have this type of relationship with your mistress, there really doesn't seem to be a guaranteed way to make things progress more quickly. Perhaps you'll find some particular action that another took that will be helpful to you. In my situation, it's been 9 months thus far and he's becoming more attuned to how delivering sensation gets him going, but the mental dominance part, which I'm finding I need more and more, is still in it's infancy. Just be patient and encouraging of whatever efforts she makes and let her take the lead in this. That's what you ultimately want after all.

Have a wonderful day!
jeanne

[annie]

zasvig...

As j said... we didn't mean to take it lightly. Many of us have been there and after a while it is either laugh or cry over it....

As Oz said, check out several of the other threads, Tessa has one that might help...

Hang in there... is the best advice I can give you!

[ElectricBadger]

It's a tough situation, and one without simple answers. But my advice:

-Talk alot. Make sure she knows what you like, why you like it, and how she might go about it. Encourage her; initiate, first of all -- welcome her home naked an kneeling, offering a crop for a few nights, and I'm sure things will move along -- and give her feedback -- what she did well and yes, what could be improved. Dominating is largely about confidence, and knowledge and feedback are the main ways to build that up.

-Be patient with her. She has her own hurdles to cross, topping isn't easy or instantly comfortable, it's harder to help push her past her limits, and a mistake from the top can be pretty disastrous. Remember she's learning too!

-Find out what she wants. Her idea of domination may not mirror yours -- she may not be pushing you simply because she doesn't want to do certain things. It's a hard situation when one partner has further extremes than the other, but at least knowing will give you a place to start working with it. Keep in mind she may never be your fantasy domme, any more than she's a supermodel!

[zasvig]

thank you all i have been reading and i thank that what you all say the same is time, confadence, and pachence after i found this wonderful place i refered her to it also so you will be seeing her here soon thank you all agine ooo and if i sounded unhappy the last time that was not my intent sorry for that

p.s. sorry i cant spell

[Rhabbi]

zasfig, nothing to really add here except to reiterate patience. All of this takes a lot of time.

[Austerus]

Zasvig,

Better to move a little too slowly than a little too quickly. If your wife loves you, and isn't used to this kind of play, she might be really worried about hurting/harming you. Also, some fantasies that you have in your head may possibly turn out to be things you don't enjoy as much RL as you do in your head (not saying it will be the case, but it COULD happen.)

Probably better to move slowly, and each of you incrementally increase the "pace" till you both reach levels of comfort. Also, you certainly don't want to jump into anything too hardcore (risk of injury, emotional scarring, etc) without getting practice and experience with less "intense" stuff.

In my experience BDSM is a lot like Calculus. If you go into first grade and try to start finding derivatives, you are most likely going to end up with your head hurting and a hatred of math. Better for everyone to get comfortable and familiar with simple things first before moving on. I know if can be hard, when you REALLY REALLY want to solve that differential equation with your wife, but it will all end better if you practice some arithmetic and pre-algebra together first

[Sir_Russell]

Zasvig
You have received a lot of good advice here, add to patience that you must talk with her and she to you openly and honestly. Get it all out in the open and do not be hurt if what she says isn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

I also recommend that you and she take my hard limits questionaire the is in the knowledge section then compare notes. A good start to that open talk.

[zasvig]

Thank you all, sir russell i did take you questionaire and it was informative. She planes on taking it also but she is waiting on her account to be approved. We are verry open and honest with each other so no worries there, and starting of slow i thank is good advice. Thank you all

[good_girl]

Thank you zasvig for posting this, I find myself in a similar situation, the difference is the relationship itself is quite new. Although neither of us has any real practical experience we have both expressed an interest in this, but I think myself as the sub, I tend to feel he should be the one moving things along...patience, patience, patience...I will be drilling that into my head, thanks to everyone who replied as well.

[Logic1]

Thank you zasvig for posting this, I find myself in a similar situation, the difference is the relationship itself is quite new. Although neither of us has any real practical experience we have both expressed an interest in this, but I think myself as the sub, I tend to feel he should be the one moving things along...patience, patience, patience...I will be drilling that into my head, thanks to everyone who replied as well.

read through the stories in the library and show your Dom which stories turns you on and perhaps both of you take that hard limit questionnere that SirRussel posted here. That is a way for both of you to know what the other likes and then talk alot about it.
Openness and honesty is definitely key factors here and patience.

[J-Go]

Zasvig - Sir Russell's hard limit questionnaire is what finally got myself and my sub over this hill. I too was new to the Dom thing and frankly a bit nervous about how far I could/would go. There were some things that even as a Dom I was not going to do to my sub or anyone for that matter! Anyway we went through it alone and then got together and compared notes. We were amazed at how close we were on things that tripped our triggers. Things we had questions about we discusses...remember it's about trust so be open and honest. Most of all relax with it my sub and I still discuss what we liked or were uncomfortable with in a session, this really adds to the excitement of the next session and brings us very close together.

Take it slow it's all an experience and have fun...best of luck!

[GreyJack]

Seems to be a continuing challenge for people just coming to the lifestyle and learning what works and how and why. I think one of the keys words to remember is "pervasive." A dominant person's personality is pervasive, it often affects all that they do, how they think, and behave in situations. This sounds simple, but for people new to letting their dominant or submissive selves show, it's not so simple at all. Are you a dominant, yet waffle when it comes to making decisions? Even if it's what to order from a menu? Then you need to connect to the part of yourself that is forthright and committed (even if it seems a bit strange at first). First control yourself, Dom you! Then you can learn to extend it properly to others. The same with submissiveness. Are you used to being a control freak about everything? Start giving up responsibility and control over your decisions to your dominant. Test the waters. Does it start feeling "right"? Are you benefitting from it? Sure, there will be little flare-ups and challenges along the way, just work through them instead of giving up. Strong, honest, open communication -- as everyone says -- is the best key to locking and unlocking the chastity belt of your Dom/sub self.