Robertpaullocke's 3rd Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

For your third assignment, i want you to craft on paper, the perfect seduction -- BDSM or otherwise. The entire thing from beginning to end. Build characters, set the scene, and draw the reader in.

Don't get discouraged. You can do this.

rose

[robertpaullocke]

I think I did a little better on this one than the last two.
The Great Seduction
By Robert Locke



“ What Do I have to do to seduce you John?” John looks at his friend Amy in the eyes and he really has no answer to give. “ I don’t know Amy. I never have been seduced, before. I mean look at me. I am not the kind of guy that is seduced. That stuff is for good looking guys.” Amy knows what he means, but it does nothing but irritate her. Amy wishes that she can tell John that she finds him very seductive. Granted John is not attractive like all the men she has dated before but Amy really likes John. Amy is 34-year-old single mother of a 7-month-old baby girl by the name of Anna. Amy met John through their Church about two years ago. She was brand new and Amy had no friends in the city. Amy had just gotten her divorce finalized when she thought moving to Kansas would make it easier on her and her new Baby. It was on A Cool October Sunday Morning just like today, when she saw him. John was having problems carrying his after mass luncheon that the ladies put on every other Sunday after Mass so that the members can get to know each other. Amy began helping him right away. John does have a slight case of cerebral palsy. Amy had her baby in her car seat on her table where she is the only one there. Amy brings John to her Table and they sat there quietly eating. Amy is now looking into Johns Green eyes. Today both John and Amy are at her house and sitting at her kitchen table. John looks around the kitchen, then at Amy’s Blue eyes…. John looks deeply into Amy’s crystal blue eyes. John cannot understand why such a beautiful perfect woman like her is with him.
“ Amy, have I told you I love you, lately?” Amy blushes as if she is sixteen years old. “ No…. Not Since yesterday.” She reaches over and kisses John on the lips. John feels electricity shooting through him. As the two kiss each of them, feel sensations that can only be described, as a raging fire. When the two pairs of lips meet together though the kiss, it self, last but a few minutes, to these two, though, the kiss can last forever and they would not have mind. If you would have Told John that he was going to be kissing, a Ten, in his eyes, he would of laughed in your face. The feel of her soft lips feels like the sweetness of cotton candy. John likes the feel of a woman’s lips. Whether, they are smooth as glass or aged like a well-weathered porch deck. To John, kissing a woman’s lips is a magical experience to him, because it does not happen as much as he would like. To be kissing a sexy woman like Amy is like Haley’s comet. It may happen to John every 100 years. A once, in a lifetime experience that must be experienced After the Kiss the ovens timer goes off. Amy gets up and she walks to the oven. John can smell the chicken breasts with a touch of mint and orange zest filling up the house. Amy knew that to really win Johns heart is to make a dish that she knows that will win his heart. Therefore, she decided that she would make him a dinner with some of his favorite ingredients and spices. She caramelized mint sugar with limejuice. She knew that she had to really influence him tonight. She made him favorite side dishes as well. During the meal John finds himself making as much of a mess as Anna does when she eats. The only difference is that he is 42. As his battle between enjoying a great meal and not getting messy for John is Lost because he kept getting his t-shirt all dirty.
Amy knew this would happen because it has happened a many of times; they have had dinner together so she had plenty of napkins waiting for this occasion. Knowing, that they were going to be having BBQ together she brought out the wet naps. As John started to clean off his beard and mustache with the wet naps He started to feel as if he is cleaning his dogs after they had a run into the mud. Amy begins to take over because the motherly instincts start to show. As the cleaning continues, Amy is seeing in John’s eyes, something, that she want to see in a man. Some one who is willing to let her take care of him. Some one who needs taking care of them not in a mother taking care of a young son, but some one who needs her, help. Some one who needs her to be there for them, as there care giver.
“ So what is for after dinner, Amy dear?” John gives her his big blue eyes.
“ Me.” Amy whispers into Johns ear. When John hears that one single word in his ear John says.
“ That I believe my dear can seduce me.” T

[Dragon's muse]

Again a great basic idea, but the execution falls apart.

1. You jump back and forth from present to past tense. Makes for a difficult read.

2. The capitalization of random words is distracting.

The characters are nicely developed, but your grammar and syntax need lots of polishing.

Your next assignment will be up in a day or two.

The Great Seduction
By Robert Locke



“ What Do (no need to capitalize here) I have to do to seduce you John?” (New paragraph here) John looks at his friend Amy in the eyes and he really has no answer to give. “ I don’t know Amy. I never have been seduced, before. I mean look at me. I am not the kind of guy that is seduced. That stuff is for good looking guys.” (New paragraph here) Amy knows what he means, but it does nothing but irritate her. Amy wishes that (delete) she can tell John that she finds him very seductive. Granted John is not attractive like all the men she has dated before but Amy really likes John. Amy (She) is 34-year-old single mother of a 7-month-old baby girl by the name of Anna. Amy met John (They met) through their Church about two years ago. She was brand new and Amy (delete) had no friends in the city. Amy had just gotten her divorce finalized when (Amy's divorce had just been finalized;she thought moving to Kansas would make it easier on her and her new Baby (no cap needed). It was on A Cool (no caps)October Sunday Morning, just like today, when she saw him. John was having problems carrying his (plate at the)after mass luncheon that the ladies put on every other Sunday after Mass (delete)so that the members can get to know each other. Amy began helping him right away. John does have a slight case of cerebral palsy. Amy had her baby in her car seat on her table where she is the only one there. Amy brings John to her Table (no caps) and they sat there quietly eating. Amy is now looking into Johns Green (no caps) eyes. Today both John and Amy (they) are at her house and (replace with a comma) sitting at her kitchen table. John looks around the kitchen, then at (deeply into) Amy’s Blue (no caps)eyes…. John looks deeply into Amy’s crystal blue eyes. (delete) John cannot understand why such a beautiful , perfect woman like her (delete) is with him.
“ Amy, have I told you I love you, lately?” (New paragraph here.) Amy blushes as if she is sixteen years old. “ No…. Not Since yesterday.” She reaches over and kisses John on the lips. John feels electricity shooting through him. As the two (they)kiss, each of them, (delete) feel sensations that can only be described, as (delete)a raging fire. When the two pairs of lips meet together though (delete) the kiss, it self (one word), last (lasts) but a few minutes, to these two, though, (but) the kiss (it)can last forever and they would not have (delete) mind. If you would have Told (no cap) John that he was going to be kissing, a Ten, in his eyes, he would of (have) laughed in your face. The feel of (delete)her soft lips feels (feel) like the sweetness of cotton candy. John likes the feel of a woman’s lips. Whether, they are smooth as glass or aged like a well-weathered porch deck. To John, (delete) kissing a woman’s lips is a magical experience to him, because it does not happen as much as he would like. To be (delete)kissing a sexy woman like Amy is like Haley’s comet. It may happen to John every 100 years. A once, in a lifetime experience that must be experienced. After the Kiss (no cap) the ovens timer goes off. Amy gets up and she (delete) walks to the oven. John can smell the (The smell of)chicken breasts with a touch of mint and orange zest filling up (fills) the house. Amy knew that to really win Johns heart is to make a dish that she knows that will win his heart.(This sentence makes no sense.) Therefore, she decided that she would make him a dinner with some of his favorite ingredients and spices. She caramelized mint sugar with limejuice (two words). She knew that she had to really influence him tonight. She made him (his)favorite side dishes as well. During the meal, John finds himself making as much of a mess as Anna does when she eats. The only difference is that he is 42 (spell it out). As his battle between enjoying a great meal and not getting messy for John is Lost (no caps) because he kept getting his t-shirt all dirty.
Amy knew this would happen because it has happened a many of times; they have had dinner together so she had plenty of napkins waiting for this occasion. Knowing, that they were going to be having BBQ together she brought out the wet naps. As John started to clean off his beard and mustache with the wet naps, He (no caps) started to feel as if he is cleaning his dogs after they had a run into the mud. Amy begins to take over because the motherly instincts start to show. As the cleaning continues, Amy is seeing in John’s eyes, (delete)something, (delete) that she want to see in a man. Some one who is willing to let her take care of him. Some one who needs taking care of them (delete) not in a mother taking care of a young son, but some one (one word)who needs her, (delete) help. Some one who needs her to be there for them, as there (their) care giver.
“ So what is for after dinner, Amy dear?” John gives her his big blue eyes. (this really gives sort of a creepy visual)
“ Me.” Amy whispers into Johns ear. (New paragraph here) When John hears that one single word in his ear John says.
“ That I believe, my dear, can seduce me.”

[H Dean]

I think I did a little better on this one than the last two.
The Great Seduction
By Robert Locke



“ What Do I have to do to seduce you John?” John looks at his friend Amy in the eyes and he really has no answer to give. “ I don’t know Amy. I never have been seduced, before. I mean look at me. I am not the kind of guy that is seduced. That stuff is for good looking guys.” Amy knows what he means, but it does nothing but irritate her. Amy wishes that she can tell John that she finds him very seductive. Granted John is not attractive like all the men she has dated before but Amy really likes John. Amy is 34-year-old single mother of a 7-month-old baby girl by the name of Anna. Amy met John through their Church about two years ago. She was brand new and Amy had no friends in the city. Amy had just gotten her divorce finalized when she thought moving to Kansas would make it easier on her and her new Baby. It was on A Cool October Sunday Morning just like today, when she saw him. John was having problems carrying his after mass luncheon that the ladies put on every other Sunday after Mass so that the members can get to know each other. Amy began helping him right away. John does have a slight case of cerebral palsy. Amy had her baby in her car seat on her table where she is the only one there. Amy brings John to her Table and they sat there quietly eating. Amy is now looking into Johns Green eyes. Today both John and Amy are at her house and sitting at her kitchen table. John looks around the kitchen, then at Amy’s Blue eyes…. John looks deeply into Amy’s crystal blue eyes. John cannot understand why such a beautiful perfect woman like her is with him.
“ Amy, have I told you I love you, lately?” Amy blushes as if she is sixteen years old. “ No…. Not Since yesterday.” She reaches over and kisses John on the lips. John feels electricity shooting through him. As the two kiss each of them, feel sensations that can only be described, as a raging fire. When the two pairs of lips meet together though the kiss, it self, last but a few minutes, to these two, though, the kiss can last forever and they would not have mind. If you would have Told John that he was going to be kissing, a Ten, in his eyes, he would of laughed in your face. The feel of her soft lips feels like the sweetness of cotton candy. John likes the feel of a woman’s lips. Whether, they are smooth as glass or aged like a well-weathered porch deck. To John, kissing a woman’s lips is a magical experience to him, because it does not happen as much as he would like. To be kissing a sexy woman like Amy is like Haley’s comet. It may happen to John every 100 years. A once, in a lifetime experience that must be experienced After the Kiss the ovens timer goes off. Amy gets up and she walks to the oven. John can smell the chicken breasts with a touch of mint and orange zest filling up the house. Amy knew that to really win Johns heart is to make a dish that she knows that will win his heart. Therefore, she decided that she would make him a dinner with some of his favorite ingredients and spices. She caramelized mint sugar with limejuice. She knew that she had to really influence him tonight. She made him favorite side dishes as well. During the meal John finds himself making as much of a mess as Anna does when she eats. The only difference is that he is 42. As his battle between enjoying a great meal and not getting messy for John is Lost because he kept getting his t-shirt all dirty.
Amy knew this would happen because it has happened a many of times; they have had dinner together so she had plenty of napkins waiting for this occasion. Knowing, that they were going to be having BBQ together she brought out the wet naps. As John started to clean off his beard and mustache with the wet naps He started to feel as if he is cleaning his dogs after they had a run into the mud. Amy begins to take over because the motherly instincts start to show. As the cleaning continues, Amy is seeing in John’s eyes, something, that she want to see in a man. Some one who is willing to let her take care of him. Some one who needs taking care of them not in a mother taking care of a young son, but some one who needs her, help. Some one who needs her to be there for them, as there care giver.
“ So what is for after dinner, Amy dear?” John gives her his big blue eyes.
“ Me.” Amy whispers into Johns ear. When John hears that one single word in his ear John says.
“ That I believe my dear can seduce me.” T

Muse, lovely soul that she is, has managed to offer her expert comments on your stories. She has done so three times. Still, I am seeing the same mistakes in assignment three that I saw in assignment one. So, it is time to brutalize, offend and berate your assignments. I do hope you take my insulting commentary to heart. It is meant for your betterment as an author.

The most egregious mistake I have seen in your stories is a failure to communicate with your characters. I mean you do not communicate with them. They are phony. You are the author. Talk to these people and don't treat them like characters. You want me to give a rats ass about the story you need to care about them too.

Then there is a complete lack of structure. What was this last assignment - 3 paragraphs? There is no short story that is three paragraphs. You have a new idea in a story - a change of perspectives - differenet people thinking, talking or acting - give it a new paragraph. Of course I have simplified that a bit, but you get the gist.

You change from present to past tense to active all the time. Find yourself a time slot and stay with it. I can only imagine that you wrote this latest assignment and put it up to be reviewed without any editing. I also imagine you writing this rather quickly. Cut that shit out. Take your time. Stop being so excited about the story that you put it up without thinking.

Finally, if you are narating a story you must stop using coloquialisms. It makes your narator look like a dink. It makes you look like a dink.
As his battle between enjoying a great meal and not getting messy for John is Lost because he kept getting his t-shirt all dirty.
"All dirty"? How old is the narator? How old is the author? Yeah, I have a tendancy to talk this way sometimes. I have a kid and I can't help it. It rubs off. But a narator doesn't talk like a kid.

Robert - what I want to see is this exact same story. I want to see this bad boy edited. I want to see you put some more time into it. Look around at how other people write stories. There are lots in the library. Hell, even Mad Lews has one or two stories that are almost readable. Check them out. Just a short blast of writing from one of the instructors - Muse, Aussiegirl, Mad Lews - see how the paragraphs are delivered - listen to the voice of the narator - then edit this story. Edit it with feeling for your characters. It's not a remembrance of something - it's not a fantasy - it's something that happens to real people that exist only in your head.

Get to it!

[Dragon's muse]

Just saw this, weekends are often at Chez Dragon. Will get to it first thing in the morning.

rose

[robertpaullocke]

I hope you like it

[robertpaullocke]

thank you for re affirming for me what I kinda knew from the beginning, And that is. I suck. I should just stick with poetry and my blog. I will never be come a decent writer, no matter how much I try I will never be good. So I'll just stick with leaving all the great story ideas I have in my head and never let them see the light of day. I get it. though, writing is a passion for me but just like everything else I just dont have the talent so whats the point? Thanks.

[Mad Lews]

Robert,
It's not a question of talent, it's technique. If you can speak you can tell a story. Putting it down in written words is were it gets a bit hairy. If it truely is a passion don't give up. Follow Mr Deans advice and redo this last assignment.
In fact I'd suggest getting a little pissed at him and show him exactly how well you can do!
There are a lot of simple Grammar and style books out there that are quite helpful. Muse's suggestion is the best though. Once you finish the story set it aside for a while then read it out loud. If that doesn't show you the tense errors it's because you are auto correcting what you read (Saying what you meant to write rather than what you wrote) If that's the problem get someone else to read it aloud to you.
I'm sure you can tell this story in a more authentic way than you've written it.
I'm sure you don't speak like that. Give it another try.
Mad Lews

[H Dean]

thank you for re affirming for me what I kinda knew from the beginning, And that is. I suck. I should just stick with poetry and my blog. I will never be come a decent writer, no matter how much I try I will never be good. So I'll just stick with leaving all the great story ideas I have in my head and never let them see the light of day. I get it. though, writing is a passion for me but just like everything else I just dont have the talent so whats the point? Thanks.

Robert, did you bother reading any of the authors I suggested to you or did you just have your pitty party and then make a quick revision of the story?

Ya know, one of the things I am known here for is being brutally frank. I am not going to tell you that you are great when you suck. I am not going to tell you that something has potential when it has none. If I say I like any portion of what you write you can be damned certain I did.

You say you write poetry and a blog. Do you want to write a blog with "LOL" and "bcoz" and all the silly little intenet shorthand shit that goes with it or do you really want to write? If you really want to write you have to take your lumps and you have to learn to write. It sure doesn't come overnight. Hell, Mad still can't spell the word "truly" without throwing in a limp "e". But Mad is one of the best writers the Library has seen.

What I want to see, Robert, is for you to take time. Not an hour or a day - but time. Make it a week. Go through some other author's works. Go through the block and read what people have written and what we have hammered on. Then, go through your story. Take some time. Then tell us the story so we can understand it. Not so you understand it - but so we can.

I promise you that comparing your structure to the structure of other authors will help. Give it a shot and don't be so fucking down on yourself. I used to suck at writing. Now I actually have fans. Two fans. And a snake.

[robertpaullocke]

The Great Seduction
By Robert Locke



“ What Do I have to do to seduce you John?” John looks at his friend Amy in the eyes and he really has no answer to give. “ I don’t know Amy. I never have been seduced, before..” Amy knows what he means. Amy really likes John. Amy is 34-year-old single mother of a 7-month-old baby girl by the name of Anna. Amy met John through their Church about two years ago. Amy had no friends in the city. It was on A Cool October Sunday morning just like today, when she saw him. John was having problems carrying his after mass luncheon that the ladies put on every other Sunday after mass so that the members can get to know each other. Amy began helping him right away. John has a slight case of cerebral palsy. Amy brings John to her table and they sat there quietly eating. John and Amy are sitting at the kitchen table. John looks deeply into Amy’s crystal blue eyes. John cannot understand why a beautifully perfect woman like her is with him.
“ Amy, have I told you I love you, lately?” Amy blushes as if she is sixteen years old. “ No…. not since, yesterday.” She reaching over Amy kisses John on the lips. John feels electricity shooting through him. When the two pairs of lips meet together though the kiss, it self, last but a few minutes. If you would have told John that he was going to be kissed by a ten, he would of laughed in your face. John, likes the feel of a woman’s lips. Whether, they are smooth as glass or aged like a well-weathered porch deck. Kissing a woman’s lips is a magical experience. To be kissing a woman such as Amy is like, Haley’s comet. It may happen every 100 years. The oven’s timer goes off. Amy walks to the oven. John can smell the chicken breasts with a touch of mint and orange zest filling up the house. Amy knows to really win Johns heart is through his stomach Therefore, she decided that she would make him a dinner with some of his favorite ingredients and spices. She caramelized mint sugar with limejuice. She knew that she had to really influence him tonight. She made him favorite side dishes, as well. During, dinner John finds himself making as much of a mess as Anna does when she eats. The only difference is that he is 42.
Amy knew this would happen because it has happened a many of times; they have had dinner together so she had plenty of napkins waiting for this occasion. Knowing, that they were going to be having BBQ together she brought out the wet naps. As John starts cleaning off his beard and mustache with the wet nap. Amy , takes over, as her motherly instincts start to show.
“ So what is for after dinner, Amy dear?” John gives her his big blue eyes.
“ Me.” Amy whispers into Johns ear. When John hears that one single word in his ear John says.
“ That I believe my dear can seduce me.”

[ThisYouWillDo]

Robert,

I loved the story: what a great seduction! And I believed in both John and Amy most of the time too.

As for the tenses, quirky, but they didn't distract me as much as the bloody capitals did.

Now, I'm only a beginner, but I found your story had ideas and a style that I just might try to imitate some time down the line, time shifts and all ... so watch out, Dragon's Muse!

TYWD

[Razor7826]

Adding line breaks and breaking up your big paragraphs into smaller ones will go a long way towards making it readable.

Don't give up- writing well is not easy, but anyone can learn to do it if they put in the time and have a good mentality towards learning.