Razor's Second Level Three Assignment

[Razor7826]

Second Level Three Assignment

2. This assignment is going to be in third person, focusing on a single character's POV - and only that character's POV. Elements to include:

* a gothic castle,
* a dungeon,
* a supernatural beast,
* a whip, a chain and some sensual dialog.
Sex of any kind is not required, though always appreciated.

----------------
(I hope you all like it; I am not used to writing fantasy).

(And yes, I realize 'Lord' is masculine, but I thought it worked better here.)



Queen Epithymia
By Razor7826
(Copyright Razor7826 2007. The events presented in this work are fictional and do not represent the views of the author in any way.)

"Guards, take her to the dungeon and toss her in a cell with those rogues you captured last week." Queen Epithymia ran the nail of her right index finger underneath her bottom lip and smiled as she looked down at the shackled blonde girl. The prisoner kneeled at the foot of the Queen's throne, sobbing uncontrollably. "I think she needs to learn a lesson about patriotism and what it truly means to defy your country."

Through her sobs, the girl screamed in protests. "It wasn't me! My sister was the one that slandered your good name, my Queen! Please, take her instead!" Her cries grew quieter and quieter as the Queen's guards led her off. Epithymia sank bank into her golden throne with renewed joy at her ability to destroy the lives of others with a single utterance.

Life as the queen of an empire was thrilling, as usual. Not only was there a fresh load of criminals to condemn, but research on the Great Seal was finally making headway. The Queen was wet with anticipation toward seeing out what was on the other side of the The Veil, but tormenting her subjects helped pass the time.

The Queen waved for the guards to bring in the next subject, making sure to jostle her barely covered bosom as much as possible for her guards to see. Every part of the Queen's attire and decor was selected to be as tantalizing as possible: her short and loose purple dress, her stiletto heels, her crimson lipstick and nail polish, and, of course, her meticulously well kept golden curls. That, is, save her sapphire pendant.

The Queen hated the color of the heavy pendant that dangled around her neck, but the gaudy appearance was a small price to pay for the mystical protection it offered her. Besides, she had no doubt in her ability seduce any man she came across, even with the jagged gem dangling near the base of her neck. And, in the end, that was what mattered.

Epithymia inhaled and rubbed her chest with her hands, enjoying the feeling of her hands against her skin. She derived great pleasure from watching the bulges in her guards' pants, even though she had no interest in consenting males. Her lust lied elsewhere, and the guards knew that; they did their jobs well, and the Queen repaid them handsomely with their pick from the vast dungeons beneath her castle, male or female.

The captain of the guard led an elderly man with long, unkempt gray hair into the throne room. Epithymia immediately recognized the man as the court wizard, Sir Malus. She rose to greet him, a sign of the respect she gave him over all others. "My dear Malus, so wonderful you've chosen to greet me this afternoon. I was just thinking about when you would bring news of your research." She dropped her normally seductive mannerisms while talking to Malus; his work was of the utmost importance, and she had no intention of toying with his mind.

The old wizard let out a laugh. "Ohoho, we've finally done it! Initial testing opened a small portal from which we could extract various specimens, several of which look like they will be of great use against the Kolonese Army."

"I don't care about the small portals right now; what about the summoning ritual?" Her voice started to waiver. The anticipation made her nervous.

Malus smiled at her with a huge grin. "I'm certain it will work. We have the maiden in the summoning chamber, as I knew you would be interested in performing the ritual as soon as possible."

The Queen smiled and clapped her hands together in glee. "You're damn right I would! Let's go- The Kingdom of Kolon will fall before the night is over." She grinned with the glee that always accompanied imminent victory.

The wizard and his mistress made their way to the central stairwell and began to descend the stairs. Deeper and deeper they went into the caverns beneath the gothic castle, paying little attention to the screams that emanated from the various levels of Epithymia's dark prison.

Finally, nearly one hundred feet beneath the throne room, the duo encountered an iron door. Malus unlocked it with one of the many keys that jangled from his key ring, and they proceeded into the grand summoning chamber. The room was nearly thirty feet tall and twice that in length, the walls and arched ceiling made of black stone blocks. In the middle of the dark chamber hung a young woman in a white dress. Her slender pale arms dangled above her head, chained to a pillar which sat on a rotating base. Her torso was still clothed with the white corset she was wearing at the time of her capture, but her once billowing gown was torn to shreds, leaving her thin lace panties exposed. The chains were of the perfect length that she struggled to stand on the tips of her toes, helping to show of her slender legs and smooth thighs.

Epithymia immediately recognized the girl as the virgin princess of a recently massacred nation. She had given the King of Harmonia an ultimatum- offer her only daughter as a gift of peace, or watch his kingdom get destroyed. He made the wrong decision, and now Epithymia had taken both the princess and the lives of every man, woman, and child of Harmonia.

Under any other circumstance, Queen Epithymia would have defiled the princess herself. However, things were different since Sir Malus deciphered the ancient scriptures. In addition to perfecting control of the Great Seal between worlds, the contract would require payment of a virgin of noble birth. Now, with both the knowledge and the pure maiden in her grasp, the power of that lied behind the veil would be hers. She turned to her wizard and asked "How do we begin? A chant? A sacrifice?"

The broken voice of the princess responded in fear. "Please... let me go. I... I need to tend to my father." Epithymia laughed at her demands, then turned back to her wizard.

Sir Malus smiled and laughed. "Oh ho ho, the secret is in the runes that cover the room. Can you see them?" The Queen squinted at the floor, and realized the intricate patterns that covered every inch. Her eyes followed their maze up the wall and onto the ceiling.

Her jaw dropped as she realized the entire chamber had the runes. "How long did this take you?"

Sir Malus laughed. "Once we figured out the requisite pattern, it was easy. Those artists and playwrights that you imprisoned six months ago turned out to be extremely efficient workers, once it was made clear that the work would give a them a temporary reprieve from their regular duties." He chuckled as he mocked the lives of abuse they were forced to live. "I also promised that they would get a few months of solitude for finishing the job early; I hope you don't mind my exceeding authority."

Epithymia was too enthralled with the intricate pattern to care. "Give them whatever they want, if this actually works." She continued to trace the patterns with her blue eyes. "Except their freedom, of course." Malus smiled at his mistress' attention to detail.

Malus gave the final details necessary to start the contract ceremony. "All that is required now is a drop of the maiden's blood, anywhere within the runes. It is a test of sort, to see if she is a worthy sacrifice. Shall we get things started?" Malus walked over to a table to and grabbed a long leather whip, then returned and offered it to the Queen.

Epithymia smiled at the weapon and said "Nice choice." She grabbed it from his hand and walked towards the sacrifice.

Realizing that the end was near, the Princess started to scream and beg for her life. "No! Get away from me! My people need me, please, let me go." Fear was in her eyes, which turned Epithymia on.

The Queen liked watching the princess struggle with futility. "Oh my, dear princess, so eager to escape? You're so cute when you struggle." She walked over to the bound girl and caressed her thighs with the limp whip. The captive twitched her thighs as the whip rubbed against her sensitive skin. "Haha, you really are a virgin, aren't you? You can't deal with the slightest touche without twitching in pleasure." Epithymia chuckled. "I feel kind of bad that you're going to die a virgin." She slid the whip up to the girl's white lace panties, to which the princess responded with heavy panting. "There's an entire world of pleasure, far greater than this, that you will never experience." The girl continued to cry, fueling The Queen's desire to toy with her captive. She reached down the Princesses' white corset with her free hand and pinched her nipple. The captive let loose a yelp. "I wonder, what made you save yourself for your marriage? You're over twenty years old and still inexperienced to the greatest pleasures in the world. It truly does sadden me to let you go, but those are the rules." Epithymia leaned over and kissed the captive Princess, who was shocked by the sudden move. The Queen slipped her tongue into the virgin's mouth and swirled it around, savoring her gasps of shock. To make the experience ever the more interesting, she pinched the Princesses nose, forcing the girl to gasp for air, sucking on The Queen's tongue.

When the girl had clearly had enough, Epithymia broke her suctioning kiss and smiled as her captive sucked in giant gasps of air. The trail of saliva between their mouths hung in the air for a brief moment, then collapse to each of their chins. "Goodbye, my princess. Oh, and your father's dead, as are all your subjects. You won't be missed." She turned around, took four paces, then, reared her arm back and made a quick snap with the whip at the girl's thigh. The lash sent drops of blood splattering to the floor as the girl screamed in pain.

The runes lit up instantly when the blood hit the floor. Queen Epithymia sat in awe as a giant circle on the grand wall behind the pillar shimmered, then disappeared. On the other side of the portal was a foreign world with read skies and ashen ground. From the horizon, a monster approached. Epithymia immediately recognized the creature as the beast shown in the scriptures. It had a lion's head with black fur, slimy gray tentacles for limbs, and a transparent crystalline torso. It slithered it's way across the terrain until it reached the portal. It slipped its tendrils and head through the portal and into The Queen's castle. The terrifying monster looked from side to side, then spoke to the woman it believed to be in charge.

"Did you summon me, human? I do not like it when I am stirred from my slumber for reasons trivial." It spoke in a deep and rough voice. The Queen could hear the slimy tentacles make slurping noises against themselves.

"Yes, oh Great One, I have. I offer you this maiden, a virgin princess of noble blood, for you to devour." Epithymia was happier than she had ever been in her entire life, on the verge of enlisting the powerful ally that would let her conquer the world.

The chimerical monster laughed, his hoarse and phlegmatic glee spilling across the room. "Is that what you think I require for women for? A simple meal? Bwahahahahaha! No, I use them as my power source, a source of strength unlimited." It swung four tentacles towards the princess, who was terrified into silence by the fiend in front of her. It caressed her body with its tentacles before speaking again. "This maiden will make a great living core. As long as she remains alive inside of me, and you let me feast on the remains of your enemies, I lend you my power." It now crawled further into the castle and leaned towards Epithymia, the lion face less than a foot from The Queen's. "Now, before you answer, think. Are you truly willing to sacrifice countless lives in exchange for my power? The contract will last until you, I, or the maiden are dead."

Queen Epithymia had no need for thought. She had long ago decided she would conquer the world, no matter the cost. "Yes, I agree to those terms," she said, trying to hide her overwhelming glee.

"Thank you, my Lord. Now if you do not mind, it is about time I take the offering." The tentacled monster tore through the chains binding the princess as if they were nothing. Its crystalline torso opened up, and it lifted the offering with its limbs, then threw it into its torso. Finally unbound, the Princess stumbled around the glass-like chamber, pounding on the walls, trying to escape. The girl was obviously screaming, but The Queen heard nothing. She watched in awe as tentacles spilled from the organic interface between its outer skin and the shell, which grabbed a hold of the sacrificed girl. The virgin looked around with a look of absolute terror as the tentacles slid all over her body, bursting off her clothing, tightening their grip, and beginning to explore the layout of her body. The slimy tendrils encircled her arms and wrists, and held her spread eagle in the middle of the crystalline chamber. The Queen began to play with herself as the scene in front of her played out, using both of her hands to rub and explore her genitals.

Without ceremony or warning, the monster speared the smooth tentacles into his captive's mouth, anus, and vagina. The monster let slip a satisfied sigh as the tentacles began to undulate, clearly absorbing the fluids from inside the deflowered princess. The expression on the princesses face change from one of unimaginable fear to one of unending shock. As the tentacles continued to do their work on the Harmonian princess, The Queen brought herself to orgasm, her moans echoing in the chamber as Sir Malus watched.

Exhausted, she fell backwards onto the cold stone floor and took a moments rest. When she sat up, the monster's assault on the the girl inside had slowed down. Once again, it leaned towards its new master and spoke. "I have regained my strength, my Lord. What is my task?"

Queen Epithymia, ruler of the Epithymian Empire, smiled in sadistic glee and said, "To the Kingdom of Kolon," condemning each and every one of the Kolonian citizens to a life of slavery or death.

"Come, my Lord. I can carry you into battle." It offered her a cupped bowl of tentacles in which to sit. She took the offer, and the trio of Queen, monster, and slave bounded off to battle and inevitable victory.

[tessa]

Not my chosen genre to read, but that said, I really liked this story! It's so creatively done. You have given me pause to shift my opinion a bit on what I don't (or do I?) like to read.

tessa

[Razor7826]

Is Fantasy Erotica the genre that you normally don't like to read? I must admit that it is the one genre on BDSM library that I avoid like the plague (well, I avoid M/m, but that isn't really a GENRE in the same sense), but, after coming up with a nice story, I think I am seeing the potential that the genre offers.

'Evil Sexually Sadistic Queens' can make any genre good, however.

[H Dean]

Deconstruction by Dean


"Guards, take her to the dungeon and toss her in a cell with those rogues you captured last week." Queen Epithymia ran the nail of her right index finger underneath her bottom lip and smiled as she looked down at the shackled blonde girl. The prisoner kneeled at the foot of the Queen's throne, sobbing uncontrollably. "I think she needs to learn a lesson about patriotism and what it truly means to defy your country."

Your dialogue is missing any sort of life. It is stilted and run of the mill - mostly due to one factor. You refuse to acknowledge who is talking or how they are talking or what the sound of their voice is like. I assume this is because you aren't sure how to add in "he said" or "she said" into a sentence.

Well, you do it like this:

"Guards, take her to the dungeon and toss her in a cell with those rogues you captured last week," spake the hardened voice of Queen Epithymia.

Then you build the moment with fewer words than you generally use:

She ran the nail of her right index finger beneath her bottom lip, smiling as she gazed upon the shackled blonde girl.


Through her sobs, the girl screamed in protests. "It wasn't me! My sister was the one that slandered your good name, my Queen! Please, take her instead!" Her cries grew quieter and quieter as the Queen's guards led her off. Epithymia sank bank into her golden throne with renewed joy at her ability to destroy the lives of others with a single utterance.

This paragraph suffered from the same lifelessness. Put life into your dialog - make it now. Describing how things were said after the words are delivered can be quite powerful. You are losing your power by failing to really give life to the words.

You also lump one person's dialog with another person's action. You want to make these pleas hit hard - want to make them real. As they are presented they are sort of passing things that occur. Ho hum - she is crying. No biggie.

Life as the queen of an empire was thrilling, as usual. Not only was there a fresh load of criminals to condemn, but research on the Great Seal was finally making headway. The Queen was wet with anticipation toward seeing out what was on the other side of the The Veil, but tormenting her subjects helped pass the time.

That should be two sentences. As it is it's confusing.

The Queen waved for the guards to bring in the next subject, making sure to jostle her barely covered bosom as much as possible for her guards to see. Every part of the Queen's attire and decor was selected to be as tantalizing as possible: her short and loose purple dress, her stiletto heels, her crimson lipstick and nail polish, and, of course, her meticulously well kept golden curls. That, is, save her sapphire pendant.

Let's see - a barely covered busom. That should sound exciting but it doesn't. Give me more, Razor. Excite me - own my mind. You are holding my hand and giving me a story but you aren't pushing me into it and immersing me. Excite me with this bosom!

The Queen hated the color of the heavy pendant that dangled around her neck, but the gaudy appearance was a small price to pay for the mystical protection it offered her. Besides, she had no doubt in her ability seduce any man she came across, even with the jagged gem dangling near the base of her neck. And, in the end, that was what mattered.

The Queen the queen the queen - yeah. Find another pronoun. find a better way to describe her. Give us a bit of description in her presentation. The more "the queen" we get the less we care. How about - "The buxom monarch hated the color (what color?) of the heavy pendant..."?

Get rid of "And, in the end" and replace it with "Ultimately". Starting a sentence with "And" is bad form - yeah, I have done it too - but in this case it's really bad form.


Towards the end...

Without ceremony or warning, the monster speared the smooth tentacles into his captive's mouth, anus, and vagina. The monster let slip a satisfied sigh as the tentacles began to undulate, clearly absorbing the fluids from inside the deflowered princess. The expression on the princesses face change from one of unimaginable fear to one of unending shock. As the tentacles continued to do their work on the Harmonian princess, The Queen brought herself to orgasm, her moans echoing in the chamber as Sir Malus watched.

Well, the third person - focussing on one persons POV limited you here. But you could have given us that one person's emotions during this. The parts in red are just things I disliked. You could have done so much more - "Began to undulate" - that's pretty damned passive. "clearly absorbing? - how about sucking the fluids or drawing the fluids - absorbing is not exciting it's passive. The tentacles continued to do therir work? Come on, this is a moment that begs for description. Don't leave it flat like this. Even Sir Malus was bored - he just watched. Ho hum, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. How did the poor fellow watch? Were his eyes wide - did he appear excited? Give me more here.

Okay - I could go through and completely rip this piece to shreads. I am not going to do that. I think you get the gist.

Razor, you did pretty damned well going through the previous levels. This is where it gets rough, though. Your major weakness is poor choices in phrasings and your dialog. Reduce your phrases - get rid of the excess words. Then, learn to write dialog that I care about. I never have a feeling for the sound of the voice or the feel of what they are saying. It is just said and then it goes on to the next bit. That ain't exciting - it certainly isn't interesting and I sure ain't gonna believe it if I don't feel it.

Finally, writing a scene like the last one I ripped is like playing chess. The white side moves first. It has the momentum and can control how black moves. If white loses the momentum it usually loses the game. As an author, you are the white side in chess but you never grab the momentum. You leave it to the reader to fill in the blanks - the excitment. You are gonna lose that game every damned time.

[H Dean]

Wow - that was brutal. I think this must be why Thrall was afraid of me.

[Razor7826]

Yes, your brutality has always frightened me, but I respect your honesty.

I agree, dialogue is my primary weakness, and my sentences still stand to use some pruning. I'm having difficulties as to when to describe who is saying something, and HOW they are saying it; much of what I've read insists that description in that regard is often unnecessary, as the reader should be able to tell who is saying what. I think splitting the different characters' actions into different paragraphs will go a long way towards making the dialogue and easier read.

I'll make sure to read more about what I can do to improve dialogue. That is the hardest part of writing, in my opinion, and something that at least one of the longer projects I am working is getting murdered by.

[Razor7826]

Hmmm, I really should not edit and post things on the day which I finish the core writing. Looking back over this now that I have some more free time, I see plenty of things that should have never been in the first place (though my eyes are tainted by the advice you have already given, which may make some of the problems stand out more than they would have to me otherwise.)

[H Dean]

Razor - a good tip for you when editing. Give it a few days and edit in spurts.

When I edit I do so in short blasts. I put down the piece than go back, re-edit what I edtited and then edit a new part. Then I go back later re-edit the newly edited part and then edit another new part. My pieces get several edits that way and I actually am more meticulous if it is something to post in the main story library. Here it is not quite so important to have it perfect - you are learning and getting torn apart - nit picked til you can't see straight.

But do take your time. Hurrying will fuck you without giving you a kiss.

[Razor7826]

(Here is what I believe to be a drastically improved version. I focused on your advice pertaining character actions in paragraphs where other characters are speaking, described how the characters speak, added much more description, edited words that were unnecessary, and added many hints of the back story that underlies Epithymia and Malus' relationship.

All in all, I consider it a vast improvement over the previous version, though we shall see if it withstands the firing squad.)




Queen Epithymia (Version Two)
By Razor7826
(Copyright Razor7826 2007. The events presented in this work are fictional and do not represent the views of the author in any way.)

"Guards, toss her in a cell with those rogues you captured last week," spake the stern voice of Queen Epithymia. She ran the nail of her right index finger underneath her bottom lip and smiled as she looked down at the shackled blonde girl.

The prisoner kneeled at the base of the steps leading up to the evil dictator's throne, where another slave girl lapped at her ruler's pussy, her head and body enveloped by the Queen's long purple dress.

Epithymia Stuprum laughed at the seditionist's pathetic attempts to garner sympathy, while barely responding to the oral sex she was receiving. She smiled and switched to a more playful tone, saying, "She needs to learn what it means to defy one's country. Make sure those vandals know they are here for life, regardless of what they do to her." She stood up and pushed the collared slave girl from underneath her dress, who gasped for air after being stuck licking the Queen's cunt all morning. Epithymia kicked the slave girl and spat on her, then turned back towards her guards and said, "Take this one too. She isn't any good, either," with disappointment lingering in her voice.

Through her sobs, the seditionist girl screamed in protest, her voice shrill with fear, obviously familiar with Epithymia's reputation for sadism. "It wasn't me! My sister was the one that slandered your good name, my Queen! Please, take her instead!" Her cries grew quieter and quieter as the Queen's guards dragged both prisoners towards the dungeon.

Epithymia sank back into her golden throne with renewed joy at the ease of ruining people's lives. She was starting to get wet as she thought about the horrors that would soon befall the young seditionist and useless slave girl.

Life as the queen of an empire was every bit as thrilling as she had hoped. In her four short years since seizing power, five surrounding nations had fallen, further fueling both her war machine and dark desires. Even now, in a time brief period of relative peace, there was still a fresh load of criminals to condemn. Furthermore, research on the Great Seal was finally making headway. The Queen was hot with anticipation toward seeing what was on the other side of the The Veil. She wondered terrible beings she would find there to help fulfill her goal of world domination.

Epithymia waved for the guards to bring in the next subject, making sure to show of her lithe figure as much possible for her guards to see. Every part of the Queen's attire and decor was selected to be as tantalizing as possible: her shiny purple dress, her stiletto heels, her crimson lipstick and nail polish, and, of course, her meticulously well kept golden curls which dangled and weaved past her shoulders. She found everything tantalizing, that is, save for her sapphire pendant.

The cruel monarch hated the blue tint of the invaluable gem that dangled between her tits, but the gaudy appearance was a small price to pay for mystical protection. She owed her success to the pendant and the wise old man that had constructed it for her. Despite the pendant's inability to mesh with her fashion sense, she had no doubt in her ability seduce any man. Ultimately, that was what mattered.

Epithymia inhaled and rubbed her chest with her hands, enjoying the warmth against her impossibly smooth skin. She derived great pleasure from watching the bulges in her guards' pants grow over her sultry mannerisms, even though she had no interest in consenting males. Her lust lied elsewhere, and the guards knew that; they did their jobs well, and the Queen repaid them handsomely with their pick from the vast dungeons beneath her castle, male or female.

The captain of the guard led an elderly man with long, unkempt gray hair and a slight hunchback into the throne room. Epithymia immediately recognized the bespectacled man as her court wizard and teacher, Sir Malus.

The Epithymian Empress rose to greet him, a sign of the peerless respect she gave him above all others. In fact, he was the only human being that she had any respect for, at all. She owed him more than she could express in words, and she never let him forget that. "Malus! I was just thinking about when you would bring news of your research." She dropped her normally seductive mannerisms while talking to Malus; his work was of the utmost importance, and she had no intention of toying with his mind.

The old wizard let out a laugh. "Ohoho, we've finally done it! Initial testing opened a small test portal from which we could extract various specimens, several of which look like they will be of great use against the Kolonese Army..." He paused and smiled at his friend before continuing. "... and the Kolonese people."

Epithymia responded in kind to his cruel plans, but pressed him for more, her voice speeding up in anticipation. "I don't care about the small portals right now; what about the summoning ritual?" Her voice started to waiver.

Malus smiled at her with a huge grin. "I'm certain it will work," he said, with arrogant pride at his intellect. "The maiden is already in the summoning chamber, awaiting the ceremony."

The Queen clapped her hands together and jumped with enthusiasm, betraying her young age. "You're damn right I would! Let's go- Kolon sent back another dead messenger yesterday, and I think they deserve a lesson." She grinned from the thrill that always accompanied imminent victory.

The wizard and his employer made their way to the central stairwell and descended the stairs. Deeper and deeper they went into the caverns beneath the Gothic castle, paying little attention to the screams that emanated from the various levels of Epithymia's dark prison.

Finally, nearly one hundred feet beneath the throne room, the duo encountered an iron door. Malus unlocked it with one of the many keys that jangled from his key ring, and they proceeded into the grand summoning chamber. The room was thirty feet tall and twice that in length, the walls and arched ceiling made of black stone, stained by the various rituals that had taken place there. In the middle of the dark chamber hung a young woman in a white dress. Her pale arms dangled above her head, chained to a tall marble pillar. Her torso was still clothed with the white corset she wore at her capture, but her once billowing gown was shredded, leaving her thin lace panties exposed. The chains were of the perfect length that she struggled to stand on the tips of her toes, helping to show of her slender legs and smooth thighs.

Epithymia immediately recognized the girl as her most prized prisoner, the virgin princess of a recently obliterated kingdom. She gave the King of Harmonia an ultimatum- offer his only daughter as a gift of peace, or watch his kingdom get destroyed before his eyes. He made the wrong decision, and now Epithymia had taken both the princess and the lives of every man, woman, and child of Harmonia.

Under any other circumstance, Epithymia would have defiled the princess herself. For once, however, she had to keep her desires under control. In addition to perfecting control of the Great Seal, the contract would require payment of a virgin of noble birth. Now, with both the knowledge and the pure maiden in her grasp, the power of that lied behind the veil would be hers.

The broken voice of the princess responded in fear to the presence of her captors. "Please... let me go. I... I need to tend to my father."

Epithymia laughed at virgin's demands, then turned back to her wizard and asked, "How do we begin? A chant? A sacrifice?"

Sir Malus smiled and answered her question. "Oh ho ho, the secret is in the runes that cover the room. Can you see them?," he said, with a glowing sense of pride.

The Queen squinted at the floor, and realized the detailed patterns that covered every inch. Her eyes followed their maze up the wall and onto the ceiling. Her jaw dropped as she realized the entire chamber was covered in the intricate runes. "How long did this take you?"

Sir Malus laughed. "Once we figured out the requisite pattern, it was easy. Those artists and playwrights that you imprisoned six months ago turned out to be extremely efficient workers, once they realized it would give break from their duties." He chuckled as he mocked the lives of abuse they were forced to live. "I also promised that they would get a few months of solitude for finishing the job early; I hope you don't mind my exceeding authority."

Epithymia was too enthralled with the intricate pattern to care. She said, "Give them whatever they want if this actually works," her voice trailing off as she continued to trace the patterns with her blue eyes. "Except their freedom, of course."

Malus smiled at his mistress' attention to detail. "All we need now is a drop of the maiden's blood, anywhere within the runes. It is a test of sort, to see if she is a worthy sacrifice." He turned and eyed the helpless girl, then looked back at his mistress. "Shall we get things started?" Malus walked over to a small table in the corner and returned with a long leather whip.

Epithymia smiled at the weapon and said "Nice choice." She grabbed it from his hand and walked towards the sacrifice.

Realizing that the end was near, the Princess started to scream and beg for her life. "No! Get away from me! Daddy will kill you when he finds out what you did to me." Her helplessness turned Epithymia on.

The Queen liked watching the princess struggle with futility. "Oh my, little princess, so eager to escape? You're so cute when you struggle." She licked her lips seductively at the captive. She walked over to the bound girl and caressed her thighs with the limp whip. The captive twitched as the whip rubbed against her sensitive skin. "Haha, you really are a virgin, aren't you? You can't deal with the slightest touch without twitching in pleasure." Epithymia chuckled. "I feel kind of bad that you're going to die a virgin." She slid the whip up to the girl's white lace panties, and pressed it against her cunt lips, making sure to not steal her virginity.

The princess responded with heavy panting.

Epithymia gently smiled, and spoke with an air of pity, "There's an entire world of pleasure, far greater than this, that you'll never experience." The girl continued to cry, fueling her desire. She reached down the Princesses' white corset with her free hand and pinched the prisoner's right nipple. "I wonder, what made you save yourself for your marriage? Why have you squandered your time in this world?"

The princess stammered out "I... I... dun-" before silencing herself with a gulp. She was shaking against The Queen's touch.

Epithymia leaned over and kissed the captive Princess, who was shocked by the sudden move. She slipped her tongue into the virgin's mouth and swirled it around, savoring her gasps of shock. To make the experience ever the more interesting, she pinched the Princesses nose, forcing the girl to gasp for air, sucking on the intruding tongue.

When the girl had clearly had enough, Epithymia broke her suctioning kiss and grinned her perfect smile as her captive sucked in giant gasps of air. The trail of saliva between their mouths hung in the air for a brief moment, then collapsed to each of their chins. "Goodbye, my princess. Oh, and your father's dead, as are all your subjects. You won't be missed." She turned around, took four paces, then reared her arm back and made a quick snap with the whip. The tail lashed at her thigh and sent specks of blood splattering to the floor.

Princess Harmony let loose a shrill scream that echoed throughout the summoning chamber, unaware of the transformation that was taking place around her.

The runes lit up when the blood hit the floor. Queen Epithymia stood in awe as a giant circle on the wall behind the pillar shimmered, then disappeared in a flash of light. On the other side of the portal was a foreign world with red skies and ashen ground. From the horizon, a monster approached. Epithymia immediately recognized the creature as the beast shown in the scriptures. It had a lion's head with black fur, translucent gray tentacles for limbs, and a transparent crystalline torso tinted red.. It slithered it's way across the alien terrain until it reached the portal. It slipped its tendrils and head through the portal and into The Queen's castle.

The terrifying monster looked from side to side, then growled at the woman it believed to be responsible for his summon. It spoke in a deep and steady voice, far from how Epithymia imagined a twelve-thousand year old beast would sound. "Did you summon me, human? I do not like it when I am stirred from my slumber for trivial reasons."

The Queen paused for a moment and listened to the slurping noise of the slimy tentacles against themselves. She spoke to the monster with perfect reverence and respect, "Yes, oh Great One, I have. I offer you this maiden, a virgin princess of noble blood, for you to devour." Epithymia was happier than she had ever been in her entire life, on the verge of enlisting the powerful ally that would finally let her conquer the known world.

The chimerical monster laughed, his boisterous and phlegmatic glee spilling across the room. "Is that what you humans think I require for women for? A simple meal? Bwahahahahaha! No, I use them as my power source!" It swung four tentacles towards the princess, who was terrified into silence. It caressed her body with its tentacles before speaking again. "This maiden will make a great living core. As long as she remains alive inside of me, and as long as I am able to feast on the remains of your enemies, I will lend you my power." It now crawled further into the castle and leaned towards Epithymia, the lion head less than a foot from The Queen's. "Now, think. Will sacrifice countless lives in exchange for my power? The contract will last until you, I, or the maiden are dead."

Queen Epithymia had no need for further thought. She had long ago decided she would conquer and enslave the world, no matter the cost. "Yes, I agree to those terms," she said without any clear emotion, hiding her overwhelming glee.

The monster purred, "Thank you, my Lord." The tentacled fiend tore through the chains binding the princess as if they were nothing. Its crystalline torso opened up, revealing a hollow cavity. It grabbed a hold of the virgin's waist and threw her inside.

Finally unbound, the princess stumbled around the glass-like chamber, pounding on the walls, trying to escape. The girl was obviously screaming, but The Queen heard nothing, the monster's stomach squelching all sound.

Tentacles spilled from the organic interface between the monster's skin and shell. They grabbed the sacrificial virgin and hoisted her into the air. They slithered across her body and underneath her clothes, bursting the corset and panties off of her skin, leaving her naked and prone. The tendrils multiplied and grew, until they encircled her arms and wrists and held her spread eagle in the middle of the crystalline chamber and caressed her body.

Epithymia began to play with herself as the scene in front of her played out, using both of her hands to rub and explore her genitals, further fueled by fresh fantasies of what she could do with the newfound power. She knew that tonight would be a glorious night, and that the princess of Harmonia would be only the first of many to bow before her this evening.

Without ceremony or warning, the monster speared the smooth tentacles into his captive's mouth, anus, and vagina. The monster let slip a satisfied sigh as the tentacles pulsed, over and over, clear fluids sucking through the translucent tentacles from inside the deflowered princess. The expression on the princess' face changed from unimaginable fear to unending shock. The tentacles continued their ravishment, the prey barely writhing inside her living bondage.

Exhausted, Epithymia fell backwards onto the cold stone floor and took a moments rest, savoring both the physical and emotional pleasure of her triumph.

From the perimeter, Sir Malus watched in quiet satisfaction as his mistress' moans echoed throughout the chamber, his plans and fantasies finally coming to fruition alongside his former assistant. He looked at her in the same way a father gazed at his daughter on her wedding day, full of pride and struck with awe at the potential the future held.

The empress sat up after a few minutes' rest to see the monster's assault had slowed down, though it still sucked fluids from inside the princess. Once again, it leaned towards its new master and spoke, now calm, as if ravishing the princess quenched some long-time thirst. "I have regained my strength, my Lord. What is my task?"

Queen Epithymia, ruler of the Epithymian Empire, smiled in sadistic glee and childish anticipation, "To the Kingdom of Kolon. They've been expecting me," condemning each and every one of the Kolonian citizens to a life of slavery or death.

"Come, my Lord. I can carry you into battle." It offered her a cupped bowl of tentacles in which to sit. She took the offer, and the trio of Queen, monster, and slave bounded off to battle and inevitable victory.

[Ruby]

Hi Razor,

Dean gave you great points to think about and tackle.

This version, while better than the last, still falls short
of the task at hand.

Take a look at the feedback below and give yourself a bit of time to think how you can make this story better.

Dialog

You can do better. It's not the only words of the dialog, it's how you present them.

Describe the tone of voice, if you must, after and not before.

If someone asks a question, then use "asks" instead of "said".

Laughing, speaking, laughing, grinning... these characters must have more to show than these actions.

Let the dialog stand alone. Start or end a paragraph with it, but keep it out of the middle of a paragraph.

Make sure the actions of one person aren't mixed with the dialog of another.

Active Versus Passive Tense:

I was thinking Razor could be doing better. (passive)
I know Razor can do better. (active)

There are many places where "passive" versus "active" tense are used. This affects pacing the slows down the actual action, versus the background/setting descriptions.

"Began to, was, were, be, being, and been" are all warning signs that the passive tense is present. The passive tense does have it's place, however, its your task to edit this story and remove it where you find it used as a background description when it should be foreground action.

Samples that can be turned "active":

She was starting to get wet as she thought...

The Queen was hot with anticipation toward seeing what was on the other side of the The Veil.

Epithymia leaned over and kissed the captive Princess, who was shocked by the sudden move ...

Epithymia began to play with herself as the scene in front of her played out, ...

Possible edits:

She grew wetter thinking about...

The Queen anticipated seeing the other side of the The Veil.

Epithymia leaned over the kissed the captive princess. The princess "did some action that would let us know she was suprised"... her eyes widened, her head jerked back...whatever.

*** We don't know she's shocked, cause Epithymia isn't reading her mind, only her actions. Princess is lower case in the middle of a sentence, because it's not a name, it's just a title.

Epithymia played with herself as "something happened".

Who's POV?

This brings us to one of the most difficult tasks.
This story is written from an omnipresent viewpoint,
and not the viewpoint of the Queen. There are things
she can't know that have been told, or descriptions about her that she isn't thinking or perhaps wouldn't have been thinking.

Examples abound in this story.

Through her sobs, the seditionist girl screamed in protest, her voice shrill with fear, obviously familiar with Epithymia's reputation for sadism...

Her lust lied elsewhere, and the guards knew that...

Deeper and deeper they went into the caverns beneath the Gothic castle, paying little attention to the screams that emanated from the various levels of Epithymia's dark prison.

The Queen clapped her hands together and jumped with enthusiasm, betraying her young age.

Malus smiled at his mistress' attention to detail.

What else?

This story has great potential and is boring in its presentation. I don't care about the queen, her captive or her monster. I have not reason to do so. I don't like or dislike her, she just is.

I'm a huge fan of starting a story with dialog, however, in this case, it may not help the story. It doesn't help us get inside the Queen's head and that's where we want to be.

You may want to consider providing background information earlier, slowing building the pace,
then enthralling us with the wicked monster and the lovely princess.

Think of a layout like this:

1. Introduce Queen and what she is about.
2. Play with new prisoner and have her removed. (a tease)
3. Enter Malus and introduce princess. and provide more information. (more tease)
4. Return focus to princess and queen f/f action. (teasing becomes pleasing)
6. Monster and princess - Action, action, action! (Leave them wanting more!)

Sample:

Epithymia, queen of "name of place" and conquerer of her domain thought about the present and the past as if she had all the time in the world. Between her legs, a slave's tongue curled and flicked the queen's sensitive clit. The girl didn't satisfy Epithymia's lust for power. The slave couldn't. Yet the queen held the slave in place, forcefully holding the girl's long hair, and enjoyed the simple pleasures of ruling.

(Ah, we now more about her. Not enough, but in the first paragraph, we have something to enjoy and keep us reading.)

Epithymia wanted more. More power, more kingdoms to rule, more slaves, more..... Her simple plan had been fulfilled. (explain how she came to power, why should we like or hate her - give us a reason)

... then carry on.

Good luck, Razor! You can do it!

Ruby

[Razor7826]

When there are this many editing remarks, do you normally suggest a full rewrite, or a triage of the existing version?

Technical errors and faux pas aside, are there any parts that were pretty good that are not worth completely rewriting?

[Ruby]

When there are this many editing remarks, do you normally suggest a full rewrite, or a triage of the existing version?

That depends on you. I have a writing friend who found himself relieved when a chapter of his work was deleted by accident. He knew what he wanted to say, but felt he'd fallen short of his goal. Starting with a blank page was just what he needed.

As for me, I search through my work to see if there are choice phrases I want to keep. For example,

Exhausted, Epithymia fell backwards onto the cold stone floor and took a moments rest, savoring both the physical and emotional pleasure of her triumph."

I like that line, so I'd keep it.

Technical errors and faux pas aside, are there any parts that were pretty good that are not worth completely rewriting?

Yes, there are quite a few.

This is a very nice bit of background which requires a few minor edits. Again, keep it. However, you might want to consider moving it closer to the introduction, so when you leap into the action, you can keep us there.

Life as the queen of an empire was every bit as thrilling as she had hoped. In her four short years since seizing power, five surrounding nations had fallen, further fueling both her war machine and dark desires. Even now, in a time brief period of relative peace, there was still a fresh load of criminals to condemn. Furthermore, research on the Great Seal was finally making headway. The Queen was hot with anticipation toward seeing what was on the other side of the The Veil. She wondered terrible beings she would find there to help fulfill her goal of world domination.

While you are working on the assignment, ask yourself a few questions:

Do you like reading in third person with the POV of one character?
Are you enjoying this writing style?
Why or why not?
What are you finding difficult and how can you make adjustments?

Feel free to answer the questions in this thread.

For example, when I began writing in first person present tense for role playing, it drove me crazy. I'm more confident with the style, yet I don't prefer using it. Since, my goal is often to practice for writing work I intend to publish, using that style conflict with my goal and my intent. I've chosen to use present tense for very few projects.

Many book publishers ask for third person with the POV of one character either throughout the book, or for each chapter. If you want to submit work to them, you must conform to their style.

And that gets back to one of my goals of this level, to prepare you for the next step in a possible writing career. Whether you are seeking to make money, give away your work for free, or keep it among close friends, trying out different styles will help you determine what you prefer and what you choose to avoid.

Ruby

[Razor7826]

I've been experimenting with different POVs for my own writings and I've begun to develop my own tastes.

The easiest two to write are
1) Third-Person Limited to a single character
2) First person past tense.

The tense and POV rules for them are both particularly easy, so it is hard to go wrong.

I also have a bit of a liking for Third-Person semi-omniscient, though I need more whimsy to pull it off.

H_Dean said I should take some time off before I go back to do editing on this story, so I've been focusing on other projects. I'll hope to spend some time revising it this weekend.

[Nikita]

I admire your steadfast resolve razor.

[Razor7826]

(Rewrote the beginning at the standardized the POV. Hopefully I caught everything. A few weeks ago, when I first started version three, my computer crashed, killing my interest in the piece. Even now, this is probably my least favorite of the stories I've written for the Writer's block, the reasons for which I will need to ponder.)

Queen Epithymia (Version Three)
By Razor7826
(Copyright Razor7826 2007. The events presented in this work are fictional and do not represent the views of the author in any way.)

Epithymia, Queen of the Epithymian Empire, sat comfortably in her golden throne as a slave girl lapped at her pussy. She spread her legs wide so that the slave fit underneath her flowing purple robe. Epithymia sat in bored contemplation, wondering what punishment the worthless slave girl should receive for failing miserably at pleasuring her mistress. Like the thousands of other women Epithymia had tested since her brutal rise to power four years ago, this slave had no propensity for good oral sex.

She grunted in frustration and pushed the naked slave girl to the floor.

"Guards, toss her in a cell with those rogues you captured last week," spoke the stern voice of Queen Epithymia. "Make sure they know that they may use her as they see fit."

Epithymia sank back into her golden throne with renewed joy at the ease of ruining people's lives. She was starting to get wet as she thought about the horrors that would soon befall the useless slave girl.

Life as the queen of an empire was every bit as thrilling as she had hoped. In her four short years since seizing power, five surrounding nations had fallen, further fueling both her war machine and dark desires. Even now, in a time brief period of relative peace, there was still a fresh load of criminals to condemn. Furthermore, research on the Great Seal was finally making headway. The Queen was hot with anticipation toward seeing what terrible monsters hid beyond the veil.

Epithymia waved for the guards to bring in the next subject, making sure to show of her lithe figure. Every part of the Queen's attire was selected to be as tantalizing as possible: her shiny purple dress, her stiletto heels, her crimson lipstick and nail polish, and, of course, her meticulously well kept golden curls which dangled and weaved past her bare shoulders. She found everything tantalizing, that is, save for her sapphire pendant.

The cruel monarch hated the blue tint of the invaluable gem that dangled between her tits, but the gaudy appearance was a small price to pay for mystical protection. She owed her success to the pendant and the wise old man that had constructed it for her. Despite the pendant's inability to mesh with her fashion sense, she had no doubt in her prowess of seduction. Ultimately, that was what mattered.

Epithymia inhaled and rubbed her chest with her hands, enjoying the warmth against her impossibly smooth skin. She derived great pleasure from watching the bulges in her guards' pants grow over her sultry mannerisms, even though she had no interest in consenting males. She didn't leave the guards entirely unfulfilled. they did their jobs well, and the Queen repaid them handsomely with their pick from the vast dungeons beneath her castle, male or female.

The captain of the guard led an elderly man with long, unkempt gray hair and a slight hunchback into the throne room. Epithymia immediately recognized the bespectacled man as her court wizard, teacher, and benefactor, Sir Malus.

The Epithymian Empress rose to greet him, a sign of the peerless respect she gave him above all others. In fact, he was the only human being that she had any respect for, at all. She owed him more than she could express in words, and she never let him forget that.

"Malus! I was just thinking about when you would bring news of your research." She dropped her normally seductive mannerisms. His work was of the utmost importance, and she had no intention of toying with his mind.

The old wizard let out a laugh. "We've finally done it! Initial testing opened a small test portal from which we could extract various specimens, several of which look like they will be of great use against the Kolonese Army..." He paused and smiled at his friend before continuing. "...and the Kolonese people."

Epithymia responded in kind to his cruel plans, but pressed him for more, her voice speeding up in anticipation. "I don't care about the small portals right now; what about the summoning ritual?"

Malus smiled at her with a huge grin. "I'm certain it will work," he said. "The maiden awaits us in the summoning chamber.”

The Queen clapped her hands together and jumped with enthusiasm, betraying her young age. "You're damn right I would!" She grinned from the thrill that always accompanied imminent victory.

Epithymia followed Malus down the central stairwell. Deeper and deeper they went into the caverns beneath the gothic castle. She paid little attention to the screams that emanated from the various levels of Epithymia's dark prison.

Nearly one hundred feet beneath the throne room, the duo encountered an iron door. Malus unlocked it with one of the many keys that jangled from his key ring, and they proceeded into the grand summoning chamber.

The room was thirty feet tall and twice that in length and width, the walls and arched ceiling made of black stone, stained by the various rituals that had taken place there. In the middle of the dark chamber hung a young woman in a white dress. Her pale arms dangled above her head, chained to a tall marble pillar. Her torso was still clothed with the white corset she wore at her capture. Her once billowing gown dangled in threads, leaving her thin lace panties exposed. The chains bound her perfectly such that she struggled to stand on her tip toes, showing of her slender legs and smooth thighs.

Epithymia recognized the girl as her most prized prisoner, the virgin princess of a recently obliterated kingdom. Two weeks ago, She gave the King of Harmonia an ultimatum- offer his only daughter as a gift of peace, or watch his kingdom get destroyed before his eyes. He made the wrong decision, and now Epithymia had taken both the princess and the kingdom.

Epithymia held back the urge to defile the miaden herself. She had to keep her desires under control. In addition to perfecting control of the Great Seal, the contract would require payment of a virgin of noble birth. Now, with both the knowledge and the pure maiden in her grasp, the power that awaited behind the veil would be hers.

The broken voice of the princess responded to the presence of her captors. "Please... let me go. I... I need to tend to my father."

Epithymia laughed at virgin's demands, then turned back to her wizard and asked, "How do we begin? A chant? A sacrifice?"

Sir Malus smiled and answered her question, "Oh ho ho, the secret is in the runes that cover the room. Can you see them?"

The Queen squinted at the floor, and realized the detailed patterns that covered every inch. Her eyes followed their maze up the wall and onto the ceiling. Her jaw dropped when she realized the entire chamber was covered in the intricate runes. "How long did this take you?"

Sir Malus laughed. "Once we figured out the requisite pattern, it was easy. Those artists and playwrights that you imprisoned six months ago turned out to be extremely efficient workers, once they realized it would give break from their duties." He chuckled/. "I also promised that they would get a few months of solitude for finishing the job early; I hope you don't mind my exceeding authority."

Epithymia was too enthralled with the intricate pattern to care. She said, "Give them whatever they want if this actually works," her voice trailing off as she continued to trace the patterns with her blue eyes. "Except their freedom, of course."

Malus spoke louder. "All we need now is a drop of the maiden's blood, anywhere within the runes. It is a test of sort, to see if she is a worthy sacrifice." He turned and eyed the helpless girl, then looked back at his mistress. "Shall we get things started?" Malus walked over to a small table in the corner and returned with a long leather whip.

Epithymia smiled at the weapon and said "Nice choice." She grabbed it from his hand and walked towards the sacrifice.

Princess started to scream and beg for her life. "No! Get away from me! Daddy will kill you when he finds out what you did to me."

The maiden's helplessness turned Epithymia on. She liked watching the princess struggle with futility. "Oh my, little princess, so eager to escape? You're so cute when you struggle." She licked her lips seductively at the captive. She walked over to the bound girl and caressed her thighs with the limp whip, who twitched at the light touch. "Haha, you really are a virgin, aren't you? You can't deal with the slightest touch without twitching in pleasure." Epithymia laughed. "I feel kind of bad that you're going to die a virgin." She slid the whip up to the girl's white lace panties, and pressed it against her cunt lips, making sure to not steal her virginity.

The princess began to pant faster and faster. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

Epithymia gently smiled, and spoke with an air of pity, "There's an entire world of pleasure, far greater than this, that you'll never experience." The girl continued to cry, fueling her desire. She reached down the Princesses' white corset with her free hand and pinched the prisoner's right nipple. "I wonder, what made you save yourself for your marriage? Why have you squandered your time in this world?"

The princess stammered out "I... I... dun-" before silencing herself with a gulp. She was shaking against The Queen's touch.

Epithymia leaned over and kissed the captive Princess. She slipped her tongue into the virgin's mouth and swirled it around. She pinched the Princesses nose, forcing the girl to gasp for air, sucking on the intruding tongue.

The Queen her suctioning kiss and grinned her perfect smile as her captive sucked in giant gasps of air. The trail of saliva between their mouths hung in the air for a brief moment, then collapsed to each of their chins. "Goodbye, my princess. Oh, and your father's dead, as are all your subjects. You won't be missed." She turned around, took four paces, then reared her arm back and made a quick snap with the whip. The tail lashed at her thigh and sent specks of blood splattering to the floor.

Princess Harmony let loose a shrill scream that echoed throughout the summoning chamber.

The runes lit up when the blood hit the floor. Queen Epithymia stood in awe as a giant circle on the wall behind the pillar shimmered, then disappeared in a flash of light. On the other side of the portal was a foreign world with red skies and ashen ground. From the horizon, a monster approached. Epithymia immediately recognized the creature as the beast shown in the scriptures. It had a lion's head with black fur, transcluscent gray tentacles for limbs, and a transparent crystalline torso tinted red.. It slithered it's way across the alien terrain until it reached the portal. It slipped its tendrils and head through the portal and into The Queen's castle.

The terrifying monster looked from side to side, then growled at the woman standing in front of him. It spoke in a deep and steady voice, far from how Epithymia imagined a twelve-thousand year old beast would sound. "Did you summon me, human? I do not like it when I am stirred from my slumber for trivial reasons."

The Queen paused for a moment and listened to the slurping noise of the slimy tentacles against themselves. She spoke to the monster with perfect reverance and respect, "Yes, oh Great One, I have. I offer you this maiden, a virgin princess of noble blood, for you to devour." Epithymia was happier than she had ever been in her entire life, on the verge of enlisting the powerful ally that would finally let her conquer the known world.

The chimerical monster laughed bousterously, his phlegmetic laugh spraying fluids across the room. "Is that what you humans think I require for women for? A simple meal? Bwahahahahaha! No, I use them as my power source!" It swung four tentacles towards the princess, who was terrified into silence. It caressed her body with its tentacles before speaking again. "This maiden will make a great living core. As long as she remains alive inside of me, and as long as I am able to feast on the remains of your enemies, I will lend you my power." It crawled further into the castle and leaned towards Epithymia, the lion head less than a foot from The Queen's. "Now, think. Will you sacrifice countless lives in exchange for my power? The contract will last until you, I, or the maiden are dead."

Queen Epithymia had no need for further thought. She had long ago decided she would conquer and enslave the world, no matter the cost. "Yes, I agree to those terms," she said without any clear emotion, hiding her overwhelming glee.

The monster purred, "Thank you, my Lord." The tentacled fiend tore through the chains binding the princess as if they were nothing. Its crystalline torso opened up, revealing a hollow cavity. It grabbed a hold of the virgin's waist and threw her inside.

Finally unbound, the princess stumbled around the glass-like chamber, pounding on the walls, trying to escape. The girl was obviously screaming, but The Queen heard nothing, the monster's stomach squellching all sound.

Tentacles spilled from the organic interface between the monster's skin and shell. They grabbed the sacrificial virgin and hoisted her into the air. They slithered across her body and underneath her clothes, bursting the corset and panties off of her skin, leaving her naked and prone. The tendrils multiplied and grew, until they encircled her arms and wrists and held her spread eagle in the middle of the crystalline chamber and caressed her body.

Epithymia began to play with herself as the scene in front of her played out, using both of her hands to rub and explore her genitals, further fueled by fresh fantasies of what she could do with the newfound power. She knew that tonight would be a glorious night, and that the princess of Harmonia would be only the first of many to bow before her this evening.

Without ceremony or warning, the monster speared the smooth tentacles into his captive's mouth, anus, and vagina. The monster let slip a sigh as the tentacles pulsed, over and over, clear fluids sucking through the transluscent tentacles from inside the deflowered princess. The tentacles continued their ravishment, the prey barely writhing inside her living bondage.

Exhausted, Epithymia fell backwards onto the cold stone floor and took a moments rest, savoring both the physical and emotional pleasure of her triumph.

From the perimeter, Sir Malus watched with a grin on his face.

The empress sat up after a few minutes' rest to see the monster's assault had slowed down, though it still sucked fluids from inside the princess. Once again, it leaned towards its new master and spoke, now calm, as if ravishing the princess quenched some long-time thirst. "I have regained my strength, my Lord. What is my task?"

Queen Epithymia, ruler of the Epithymian Empire, smiled in sadistic glee and childish anticipation, "To the Kingdom of Kolon. They've been expecting me," condemning each and every one of the Kolonian citizens to a life of slavery or death.

"Come, my Lord. I can carry you into battle." It offered her a cupped bowl of tentacles in which to sit. She took the offer, and the trio of Queen, monster, and slave bounded off to battle and inevitable victory.

[Razor7826]

It feels like the longer I make my writing, the worse it gets. Let's not even get started on numerous failed starts at NaNoWriMo.

[H Dean]

Then write in shorter bursts. Edit it bit by bit. But go over it in your head long before you write it - know what you want to elicit before you write it down.

[Razor7826]

I think the problem has more to do with pacing than running out of steam. I plan ahead, but so far my outlines haven't really acknowledged the need for continual payoffs.

I recently read that there should be a major plot advancement every 800-900 words; this piece would benefit greatly from a mid-story payoff or two.

[H Dean]

I find new inspiration when I edit my stories bit by bit. Also, maybe an outline is not what you need. I never use an outline. My story writing is pretty stream of conciousness with a few things pieced out specifically ahead of time. generally, I know the ending - the specific wording, even - I have a specific scene I really want to put in and I have a couple of rough ideas. Getting there is usually an adventure for me. Then, sometimes, the ending takes a complete turn from the original plan.

Try different methods. Throw a bunch of shit on the wall and see what sticks.