Getting the partner involved?

[rlsk]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. I've sat down and talked with him about my desire to experiment with B/D and D/S elements in our relationship and have him take a more dominant role. He said it's not something he's been thinking about, but he'd be happy to give it a try.

So what's the problem? Basically, it's hard to get him to actually do anything without specifically setting it up on my own. I want to do things to make him happy, but he's taking the attitude of "it was your idea, I don't know what you want me to do." I really don't want to force this all on him, but he did say he'd try, and now ... he's not trying.

Are there any ways to encourage or inspire him to set some rules and enforce our roles? Even a little bit? Any incentive I can give him for creativity?

[drake7]

This same question has come up a few times in this forum.

As the coal miner said after the cave in, "Things ain't looking to bright, and it's dark too."

You can play at being a submissive or a dominant, but if the desire isn't really there it's not something that is going to suddenly pop into existence.

In my experiences with others in the same situation as yourself, you need to decide how important BDSM is as a part of your sexuality and go from there. If it is an important part then your boyfriend needs to get with the program, or you need to get a new boyfriend. If it isn't that important then a little "self indulgence" while reading the stories here on the site may suffice.

Good luck.

[rob.wilson]

You might also want to try "topping from the bottom". In other words tell him to spank his little slaves behind. Tell him to tie you down or else you'll kick him off you.

Dress up as a "harem girl" and call him Master. (Oh sorry, that's my fanasty).

Maybe he'll "get it" and start to do these things on his own. If not, my phone # is 412 - XXX - XXXX

Rob

[somewriter]

It's clearly not something that comes naturally to your boyfriend, but that's not to say that he can't do it. It's mainly a matter of teaching him (either by example or by sitting him down and telling him) what you enjoy. Write him a list if he really doesn't get it! Once he knows what you like, hopefully in the mold of being a good boyfriend he'll want to make you happy, and you've told him what makes you happy...

Of course it's not quite that simple - you may encounter problems with him a) feeling silly, b) getting turned off by it, c) not being very creative d) clearly not being too enthused (kinda kills the mood!). a might hopefully be solved through practice, c depends on your boyfriend's creative side, and b and d might hopefully be solved by the fact that you'll be turned on (and what isn't sexier than turning on and pleasuring your partner!).

The above may be a bit of an over-simplification, but its just one person's suggestions.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

So what's the problem?

Nothing. To me, the issue is that he's not interested in BDSM. Not everyone is. It might not be his thing.

Are there any ways to encourage or inspire him to set some rules and enforce our roles? Even a little bit? Any incentive I can give him for creativity?

Unfortunately, probably not.

If you've communicated your desire to him and expressed the importance of it to him, but he's still not interested, then there's not much more than you can do.

Certainly, you can try to offer him incentive, although I'm not sure what kind, but I don't know how well it would work. It might boil down to you having to make a choice. Is he more important to you? Or is the DS?

[rlsk]

Nothing. To me, the issue is that he's not interested in BDSM. Not everyone is. It might not be his thing. ... If you've communicated your desire to him and expressed the importance of it to him, but he's still not interested, then there's not much more than you can do.

Understood. As I said, the problem seems to be that he wants to try, but doesn't really know where to start, and I'm not sure how to help him out there, being new to all this myself.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Understood. As I said, the problem seems to be that he wants to try, but doesn't really know where to start, and I'm not sure how to help him out there, being new to all this myself.

Ohhhh... Well, that's a completely different problem altogether. I thought you meant he just wasn't interested.

In that case, you and him might sit down together and read over the pages found at http://www.castlerealm.com The info there is dated, but it's still good and there are quite a few good pieces for beginners.

Also, maybe have him sign up here. He could ask questions and get comments about what's going on in his mind. He would also be expeosed to the many ideas that the perverts... I mean, experts... here can think of.

I look forward to seeing what happens.

[MrJerseyGuy]

I've found it to be a very powerful compulsion...the need for bdsm. The less you get it, the more you want it. You might try writing him a letter with your deepest fantasy described in detail. He might get turned on by that. Some might disagree but I've always found letters a very effective was to communicate with someone I love. Not that you can't talk face to face...but in a letter you get to express and explain your thoughts in detail without being interrupted...and your partner can go back and reread it several times until its clear to him/her.

I've said in several previous posts that I would have a very difficult time going back to a vanilla relationship. I like to think my current relationship is forever, but I'm also realistic...shit happens. I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

Good luck in yours...keep us posted!

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

I know exactly how you feel. I took a four year break from BDSM while I was involved with two vanilla girls and it was never really very satisfying. I always wound up finding some way of tying them up... and losing the pics. LOL