How do I assert my position?

[cadence]

I am in an online relationship and we had discussed one day about me getting together to play with another couple on cam.

I liked the idea but I am not going to go out and play with just anyone, I would at least like to know them well enough. I also have reservations about doing that right now, and would like some time to think before I do anything of that nature.
He will of course respect my decision, but he did ask that I at least try to attempt something and see where it goes.

I know two other couples who have expressed an interest in playing and I have also known them both for a few years now.

I approached the Dom of one couple, and asked if there was a possibility that maybe in the near future that I could have a play session with them.

He was only too eager to say yes. I explained that I might like to in the near future and was only asking as my Dom had requested it.

He has since been asking when we could meet. I explained again that it would be later on, and that I would meet them first to chat and have coffee. (I have chatted with them extensively online but have never met them in person).
I have yet to receive an answer to that.

I was speaking to this particular Dom online yesterday and he was pushing for me to meet and play.
I told him that it was my decision and I would decide if I wanted to or not.

I had mentioned in the conversation that I was in the middle of trying to do a punishment, which involved hot peppers.
I am not stupid and am well aware of what they can do. I trust my Dom not to hurt me, and he knows I will not do anything to harm myself.

This Dom started to berate mine, telling me that peppers are extremely dangerous and that I could be seriously hurt. He then went on to state that I shouldn't be with him and that he was closer and could do physically for me what mine can't do.

I explained that if I was to pursue a physical D/s relationship, it would be attempted with this Dom, not him. He still insisted that I need to be with him.

I was a bit pissed about that, he then went on and said that he would do what he wanted in the play session and not what my Dom had wanted in the first place.

I don't know if this Dom is trying to do the peacock thing by showing me how Dominant he can be or if he just thinks that I am going to be fine with just anyone to train me because they are there.

I just wanted to arrange a play session, and that is even if I want one or not.

I could ask the other couple, but they are not into any heavy BDSM sessions, and that was what we were looking for me to try.

Is it even possible to reason with this Dom, or should I just forget the whole thing altogether.

I will discuss this with my Dom eventually, but for now I was just looking to see what I should do or say in this situation. I seem to have a hard time being assertive or saying that this is how it's going to be if it happens and not what you want.

[gemmy]

my first reaction hun would be NO WAY and especially if he's already expressed that he has no regard or respect for your Dom - i wouldn't trust my safety to someone so flippant that's for sure

only you know him well enough to know if he's trustworthy but seems he's already made his decision where you are concerned

gem,
xo

[DowntownAmber]

Your post is filled with red flags for me, Cadence. I know you approached this Dom initially, but it seems he has taken your request and twisted it to his own means. You opened the door a crack and he's barging in, so to speak.

I'm new to The Lifestye myself so I guess I don't know "the rules", but I really would have to wonder about a Dom that so blatently crosses the line into another Dom's "territory." I mean, my neighbor may be a race car driver but that doesn't mean he can grab my Caddy and take it for a spin anytime.

I'm not so sure this is a matter of being "agressive" in your response, per se, simply repeat what you were/are looking for and ask if this couple is interested. It's a yes or no question, you don't have to "reason." This guy is not your Dom, and no amount of peacock strutting gives him the right to make demands of you. If he pursues, just tell him you will put him in touch with your Dom.

And I would discuss this with your Dom. At least tell him about it -- not so much so he can do anything about it, but just so he's in the loop as to issues that are causing his sub concern.

[His_blizzard]

RUN........ don't walk, as far away from that situation as you can!!! He is trouble with a capital T. No self respecting Dominant would ever be so blatant about disregarding another Doms wishes for his submissive. Thank goodness he is so arrogant that he showed his true colors before you scened. Just my 2 copper tarns worth... ~blizz~

[Whippett]

Speaking as a Dom - and we do have differences of approach, cadence - I'd agree with gem, amber and blizz - there are RED FLAGS all over the place. The fellow is far too insistent. For starters, he knows you're collared elsewhere. He also knows that what you were looking to establish is a (possible) play date under rules set by your Dom. For him to push so hard, not just for a play date, but for you to leave your current Dom and join him, and to compound it by saying he would not follow the ground-rules your Dom sets for the play date are all signs that he is likely bad news.

The first two points indicate he's not particularly honourable, and the latter (not following established rules) prove he is not a Dom of his word. That means trust is something he doesn't care about at all. To me that spells predator and I'd advise you to stay away.

Talk to you Dom - tell him your concerns - and the hassles you're having. If you have to, ask your Dom to forbid you to speak with that dominant again. For me, that would be an automatic response (forbidding further contact) for my sub's safety. I'd also want that dominant's contact address and ask him firmly to back off.

[rora]

please please Please be careful! I don't care if it is just on cam and goes no farther. You can easily end up hating yourself. Please thing about this is listen to all the red flag warnings.

Good luck to you. *hugs*

[GreyJack]

I also have to add my agreement with the other assessements. One of the major red flags is that nowhere does it appear that this other Dom has mentioned how his current couple partner thinks or feels about the play. That right there (as well as his other comments) says to you "I don't respect subs." Bottom line, he does not deserve to play with you online or in r/l. Along with what others have said here, that's enough said for you to make a firm decision: no play or contact with this type of person.

[cadence]

Thanks for your replies. I do see the red flags, and I am uncomfortable with this whole situation. I definately do not want to meet and would not put myself in a postition where I am uncomfortable.

I am just confused as to why he is being so arrogant. I have known him for at least two years. He has brought up the fact, only once, that he would like to be able to train me. I had told him no. It was never discussed again.
We have remained friends and talk occasionally.

I know that he and his submissive like play with other submissives, so I thought that it would be okay.
I was confused as to whether or not he could call the shots because I was the one who had asked them to set up a possible play date.
I had assumed that we would first meet and discuss in person what was expected.

I am confused as to why I am being pushed into it. I can understand that he should be able to say what he wants to do as well, but that should be discussed first.

While I am aware that he is pushy right now, I wasn't entirely sure as to how much control he could have with this situation. Unless he thinks that I am easily swayed because I am not more assertive when I talk to him.

[Silus]

I also think it might be good for you to go with the lighter couple if you have not done any rt sessions.

[Alex Bragi]

Now this is exactly the kind of dom, and I use the word loosely here, who just simply assumes too much.

He has assumed that just because you're a submissive you will submitt to what ever it is he wants. Now that's exactly like assuming that a heterosexual woman would want to have sex with him simply because he's a heterosexual man (or vice versa).

What many of these "doms" miss is that a D/s relationship is a relationship. Even if it's temporary, even if it happens only once, a relationship exists between the dominant and the submissive because both have made that choice. Believing that you can tell a submissive what to do before you have established some sort of relationship which gives you that authority is a bit like believing that any man can tell any woman to have sex with him, because, after all, men have sex with women don't they?

And, finally, run little cadence, run!

[TomOfSweden]

Being considerate and submissive, is not always a good thing. One of the first thing I learned as a dom is that subs are quite easy to manipulate into doing things they don't like just because they are submissive. A little later I learned that it is very important as a dom, not to manipulate subs into doing things they don't like. Because they don't like it.

I'd say this guy does everything wrong. He's manipulative, inconsiderate and abusing his domly superpower.

The fact that you at all made this thread shows your great submissiveness. It's a great gift. I suggest giving it to someone who deserves it. That dom will be one lucky bastard.

[Tojo]

As Alex suggested, that guy isn't a Dom- just a manipulative bastard. The world is full of them.

As Tom said,

One of the first thing I learned as a dom is that subs are quite easy to manipulate into doing things they don't like just because they are submissive.

(It's actually pretty darn easy to manipulate anyone into doing just about anything, but never mind that...)

My comment would be that you've already said everything you needed to & more to this guy- he obviously won't take no for an answer.

It seems to me that he was probably never a friend, & sure isn't one now- perhaps he's just showing his true colours?

Sometimes a guy can be as nice as pie for months at a time, just waiting for the right moment- sometimes he just loses patience & his true sleazy self comes out.

You know what to do Cadence. All the best- & surely that's what this place is for, to voice our fears & worries. Well done.

[jeanne]

The fact that you at all made this thread shows your great submissiveness. It's a great gift. I suggest giving it to someone who deserves it. That dom will be one lucky bastard.

Well said, Tom. Listen to Tom, cadence. He knows what he's talking about.

Good luck in your search. I hope you find a couple who will appreciate you.

[Warbaby1943]

I can only add my agreement with the others that you should not meet this "Dom" under any circumstances. The problem I see you having immediately is how to get him out of your life. Maybe simply telling him to get lost will do it but if not you may have to use stronger language. Good luck.

[Sir_Russell]

He isn't a Dom but a poser and who knows what else. Can't be a Dom because he lacks honor.

Most Dominants can be pushy when we go after something we want but there are rules and reasons that we must also have great self-control. This dude seems to lack that element. He is the "Dom" that tries to push his way to the new sub, they are the easiest to fool, and then out brags all of the other interested Doms. I often hear horror stories from submissives about that first time with such a fellow.

I haven't peacocked in a long time, I know who I am and what I can bring to the submissive and I don't have too.

Seriously you offered him quite the compliment and honored him with your offer, he responded in typical poser fashion wanting only his own way.

Run cadence, now if you happen to run toward Denver minx and I would love to host you under any rules set by you and your Dom. I am heavily into both bondage and pleasure pain.

That is a real offer but also how he should have responded to you.

[cadence]

Thanks again everyone, I usually go by my gut instinct, and my gut just keeps telling me that this may not be a really great idea.
I just don't like being pushed when I am not ready.
I would prefer just to shelve the whole idea of doing any of this right now.

I also think it might be good for you to go with the lighter couple if you have not done any rt sessions.

It would be a better idea, but I want someone who has a bit of experience with this type of play, I do not want to just go and find anyone either.

Being considerate and submissive, is not always a good thing.

I'll be the first one to admit that I have a difficult time not to step on another's toes even when they need it.

The fact that you at all made this thread shows your great submissiveness. It's a great gift. I suggest giving it to someone who deserves it. That dom will be one lucky bastard.

Thank you Tom, that was nice of you to say

The problem I see you having immediately is how to get him out of your life. Maybe simply telling him to get lost will do it but if not you may have to use stronger language.

I just don't have to speak with him again, I just feel bad that he doesn't understand that I don't need someone to train or take over control of me, because they feel it is what I need.

Run cadence, now if you happen to run toward Denver minx and I would love to host you under any rules set by you and your Dom. I am heavily into both bondage and pleasure pain.

That is a real offer but also how he should have responded to you.

Thank you Sir Russell, if you lived closer to me, I would most definately consider it

[Sir_Russell]

lol,
well there is all ways long weekend vacations and these metal birds that fly from city to city. Could be a fun break for all of us and there are some wonderful places here to visit.

Just a thought, an very nice thought about a weekend to remember