Letters To My Master...

[DowntownAmber]

It seems as if I should mark my 500th post with something a little different, something special; so I have decided to finish and post a letter penned to J-Go. There is nothing in here He doesn’t know and that I don’t already tell Him often, but it will be the beginning of a nice little thread for us (and whomever else feels like reading it) to have on our own history and my thoughts on it…

Good evening Master…

As I write, the sunlight and the sounds of downtown are fading. I have taken a break from preparing our “play room” for tomorrow’s session, and am out on the South balcony with the laptop, thinking and typing and waiting for the city lights to come up. I’ve been in my home, up here on the 10th floor, for awhile now and it’s interesting to note all that’s changed in that time. It’s interesting to note how much I have changed. I’ve always been a little bit of a top, You know… *grins* And before You, this place would have been the perfect metaphor for me, the perfect place for me; looking down on the chaos of life going by, above it, safe and in control, but isolated. Now I know the perfect place for me is not above my life but by Your side, at Your feet, in Your heart.

It’s been over a year now, but I can still tell you exactly what you looked like and what you wore the moment we walked into each other’s lives, into that audition at the theatre I can see from here on my balcony: grey sweater, faded jeans, black boots. Your dark hair was longer than it is now, combed back but with that wave in the front that kept threatening to fall over your face. Your attitude matched your dress that evening, relaxed and comfortable. Frankly, You seemed a little out of place at an audition. Actors are supposed to be nervous, fidgeting, and franticly paging through their scripts. They talk to themselves as they try to find their character. You were talking to the theatre’s Artistic Director, Your arms crossed and an easy smile across your face as if you were simply stopping by to say “hi” on your way someplace infinitely more important, as opposed to standing in your first audition after taking a nearly eight year break. I saw you right away, noticed Your broad shoulders, they way Your body tapered down to… *ahem* I digress…

You saw me as I walked in as well, and I did something I never do: I looked away, I pretended not to be paying attention to you. As I made my way over to a friend that I recognized and tucked myself hastily into the row behind her, I chided my own very un-Amberlike behavior. I was not scared of men, I was not shy, I was rather that girl that loved to walk into a room and take it over, not duck into the back row! Yet there I was, avoiding your glance. Why?

We were called up on stage together, the wheels of our relationship now set into motion. The scene was an argument between a husband and his estranged wife. I had that scene down -- I knew how I wanted to play it and who I wanted that character to be. But as you and faced each other I proceeded to drop every subtlety I had woven into that script and I played that woman fiercely, as angry and as intimidating as I could get away with. Again, that voice in my head questioned me: what was I posturing for?

You were cast, I was assigned the duties of Stage Manager and Assistant Director. We read through the script for the first time in your backyard over beers and barbeque. You, me, the rest of the cast… But it felt like just You and I were there. We were both so aware of one another that we did everything possible to look like we weren’t. I don’t believe we said one word directly to each other all night, but every time I looked over at You, You were looking at me as well.

We were both on our way out of failing relationships… On our way, but not yet out. Under the best of circumstances, the right thing can still be frightening, but when you realize you’d be willing to go after the right thing at the absolute most wrong of times, that’s when it becomes truly intimidating. We kept our distance as a result of the closeness that was building between us, as of yet unspoken. Our caution became a testament to our attraction.

Our rehearsals, as I’m sure You remember, often ended with a bottle of wine shared between cast an crew. On an especially late Tuesday night, we emptied a decent Syrah and the cast split company, save for you and I. We stood in the back doorway of the theatre, a small alcove off the alley, and made up useless things to say to one another to avoid having to wander out alone into the misty night.

I wanted to kiss You.

I am not a girl that waits to be kissed. I meter out my affections in the safety of my own timing and discrection, but I waited for you. That night I stood still, for the first time in a long time, and I let myself be a part of another’s scene, of Your decision. You stopped mid-sentence and grabbed the lapels of my black blazer, jerking me into Your body, into Your kiss. My instinct was to push back, to try and make the kiss my own, to control the moment as I always did. I wanted to kiss You, yes, but I wanted to see if You would let me do it on my terms. You didn’t. You pushed back, the weight of Your body pressing me into the brick of the building, Your lips never once leaving mine, Your tongue forcing its way into my mouth. The revolt in me was gone, and in a surprised yet relieved wash I surrendered to where You wanted to put Your hands, to where You wanted to put Your lips… You picked me up and held me against the wall, and I let myself go free in Your arms. In a moment of primal rightness, I pulled away you’re your kiss, inclined my head and offered You my neck, a place I had refused nearly every past lover access to. You took it, kissing me there with Your teeth and tongue and the safety of the danger I was in overwhelmed me.

That moment gave me something more substantial than anything I have ever felt in another relationship; it gave me a place built of trust, and a future of love.

I adore You, my Master. You are worth everything it took to get to You, and everything it will take to keep You….

Your pet forever, Amber.

[gemmy]

Oh wow Amber, how very well written - awesome!!

I wish the both of you the most wonderful of years ahead

*hugs for you both*

xo

[~faerie~]

*wipes the tears from her eyes* That was so very beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful memory.

[DowntownAmber]

*wipes the tears from her eyes* That was so very beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful memory.

What? Are you crying? There's no crying in bondage!! *giggles* Sorry, I couldn't help myself! *hopes everyone catches the "League of Their Own" reference before I get flamed for shouting at Shy*

[butterflySlave4u]

smiles....yeah Amber, we got the reference...wonderfully written....Huggggggggs to you both....

[~faerie~]

What? Are you crying? There's no crying in bondage!! *giggles* Sorry, I couldn't help myself! *hopes everyone catches the "League of Their Own" reference before I get flamed for shouting at Shy*

hehehehe

[thrall]

*fans self*...

Thank you for sharing, It's beautiful Amber.

[angelic.zest]

Beauitful, ty for sharing Amber!!!! Wishing you both some happy long years together!!!

[Pertez]

Beautyfull ! love it Thank you

[J-Go]

I simply do not have the elegance of words that you carry my dear, I find myself frustrated in a search of words to truly express my feelings toward you. As a man and a Dom public expression too often comes hard but for you I will take this step.

I too remember you walking into the audition, tall, confident and determined in your stride. The pearl cross suspended from a length of satin lace around your neck pulled me to wonder “what is the story behind that necklace?” I followed the line of your body and watched you slide into a group of friends, comfortably with just a glance in my direction. The quiet voice in my head stated simply and clearly…”there she is”.

Months have gone by, love has grown from a trust I have never before experienced. You refer to me as Master, My Dom, names I continue to strive to earn, but both pale to the name I cherish most…My Love.. Each kiss I take from you is as sweet as the first, and each entrance into a room you make that I occupy is equally as stunning. I will protect you and cherish you my Pet for as long as you will have me.

J-Go

[Midnite]

I want both of you to know that it has been pure pleasure getting to know both of you, and I so look forward to spending time with you 2, both of you are gracious, and intelligent in a way that is so hard to find in people today. I think the best thing that I can say is I am glad that you 2 found each other, because you deserve each other.

and yes it brought tears to my eyes, not of sadness but of joy.

[fallenstar]

you've both written well.. i was drawn into both, able to understand how you were feeling.. you both expressed it amazingly..

[jeanne]

Lovely!

[DowntownAmber]

It's been some time since J and I have been regular posters, the reasons being too many and too complex to go into. The shortest way to tell the story is that He and I have come to a point where He had to make a decision between me and the relationship He has with His children.

I can debate the logic of His choice from my own perspective, but I can not and will not ever question the intentions of His heart as He makes it. I chose J-Go as my Master precisely because He is the type of man that is now making a decision that is breaking my heart in a way I could not have comprehended in the time before I knew Him.

To my Master...

I did not know that the last time we made love would indeed be the last time we would make love... I nearly turned you down that morning, I knew I was going to be late to work, but I could not resist the desire to feel you against me, to hold you, to look into your eyes as we exhausted our bodies in the expression of our souls. We ignored the clock and made slow and purposeful love and the world, as always, stopped in recognition of us.

I have given myself to no other as I have given myself to You, and on the verge of a pain I have no training to prepare myself to handle, I can still say I would walk this path with You all over again. There is no suffering so dark, no controversy so thick as to have the power to cloud over the pure and bright light that is the love I will forever hold for You.

Though You have chosen to release me, and hold no more power over me as my Master in title, I will serve my last act as your beloved pet by bearing this pain in a way that honors You and the relationship we shared. There are those who tell me I should be angry, that I shoud lash out, but as your submissive both in body and in mind I realize that my commitment extends beyond that pettiness. In the depths, I am honored that you trust me as the sole person in our situation to be able to shoulder what I will have to carry.

A Master I respect once told me, "trust Him Amber, you have to trust Him even when you have questions." I have many questions, but I will trust You Master and love You as always as the answers reveal themselves to me.

Know this, there will always and forever be one person in this world that loves and adores You. You will always have part of my soul, given freely for You to do with as You choose. I love You.

Your pet,

Amber.

[butterflySlave4u]

there are no words to express what i'm feeling now, and as i'm a "watch the keyboard" type typist, i'm having problems seeing the screen, the tears are flowing that freely....your pain will be felt, and borne by many of your friends, me included.....Hugggggggggggs.......

Love you both,
Karen

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

OMG Amber. I am crying for you honey. You are gifted with the art of expression and I feel your heart breaking as I read this. I don't even know what else to say. You are an elegant and wonderful lady. You are everything that is beautiful and graceful in this world for the way you have chosen to handle this. I know it isn't easy for you. I admire you tremendously. *hugs*

[thrall]

hugs

[~faerie~]

*cries again and gives you a big hug*
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
i know there is no crying in bondage...but damn it...life is not fair.

[Isabelle90]

I am so sorry! Your letter is incredibly gracious and shows much respect.

[Ozme52]

Sad for you both.

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

My God Amber.......my prayers and my thoughts are with you. Both. Perhaps i am the only one seeing this, but the love that you two share is something that ALL of us can aspire too! Amber, you're submission is a gift beyond compare. i do not know, and will never know the story behind the pain that you must be feeling now, but your determination to bear it BECAUSE of the love you have for J-Go makes me feel so very humble and so very, very sad. When someone asks me what true love means to me........i will think of you both.

Amber, when you made the statement that the decision he made was part of the reason that you fell so in love with him........it truly made me look at myself. To be able to look at the reason behind the decision, and to accept that as part of the man that you fell in love with....*shaking my head and wiping tears*. You are a beautiful soul Amber........and so very very rare. Your gift of expression is something that published authors can only wish to aspire to.

You are in my prayers, hun. And your beauty will never fade.......or never diminish. I know that life is not fair.......but i also truly believe that karma, fate, or destiny (whatever you wish to call it)......brings people into our lives that make us stronger, better, and more true to ourselves. You have my heartfelt sympathies, but reading your feelings, and your strength......God has something very special planned for you. Small comfort at this time.......i know this. But God bless you for making me.........and others i'm sure, understand what the TRUE meaning of submission is Amber.

Be well.......and i'll pray for you
tyd

[Pertez]

Im Very Sorry to hear this *hugs* hope things wil get better for you *hugs*

[bellelapine]

My heart goes out to you both. Amber I respect you truly for your graciousness and your ability to formulate thoughts even in the most terrible of pain, a heartbreak is one that no one not even the biggest of masochists would wish for. I'm sorry and if you would wish to have an ear (or eyes as the case may be) I'll extend both to you. *hugs tightly*

[suchaminx]

Amber and J-Go - thinking of you both, so hard and so sad ~hugs~ minxy xx

[gemmy]

Amber & Jay - truly this saddens me in a profound way

I know how hard this is for both of you and my hugs go to each of you as you walk through it.

Please know, if I can at all help in any way, I will be there. Even if all you need is to vent on the phone or me to come and be a shoulder to cry on.

Take care of both of you always,

hugs and love, xo

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I am so sorry to hear your news, Amber! I was wondering why I hadn't seen you in the chat room or the forums for awhile. I thought that perhaps your job had become overwhelming and you didn't have time to post or chat. Please know that I am there for you and J-Go and I'm sending you hugs and healing vibes. A/all of U/us here on this site love both of Y/you!

[HKstarSub]

im sorry Amber

[denuseri]

amber, huggs i am so sorry for you sis, i wish there was some way to do somthing for ya,i hope things turn better for yu soon sweetie

[angelic.zest]

im truly sadden by this Amber, HUGS!! im so sorry to hear this xoxo

[mandy77]

I am so sorry for both of you -big hug!