Is it just my Dom...

[claire]

Is it just my Dom or Dominants in general or men in general...?

I am in a O/L relationship. My Dom has several health issues and has been in and out of the hospital several times in the past year. When he tells me he is ill, that is about all he says. I want details, all the gory stuff, what is going on, what are they doing about it, what are the long term implications.... He just doesn't like to talk about it.

He is like that about life in general. He is married and I very much respect that he protects his wife's privacy. However, he doesn't talk or complain about work either. He is not secretive. I know where he works and have verified online that it exists and even that he works there. He just doesn't share the details of his life. Yet, he seems interested and wants to know the details of my life. I am a very curious person and want to share his life as much as I share mine with him.

So, is this typical of Doms, men or is it just the type of person he is?

[gemmy]

This makes me think of my "hmmmm" thread - the whole "you will do this and tell that but I don't have to" thing. It just doesn't sit right with me and especially in anything online. More so in the beginning for sure - it goes to trust for me.

Maybe I'm just not sub enough or maybe I'm just not stupid enough, who the hell knows lol.

[thepast]

*laughs* I think, as a gender stereotype, men in general are just much less chatty then us females are. However, there is also a great divide between o/l & r/l. As an o/l partner, how much do you NEED to know about his r/l? How much are you ENTITLED to know? How much is he entitled to know about yours? He may be uncomfortable with telling you more about himself or his life to protect his family's privacy, or the seperation between r/l & o/l worlds. If you were r/l, I would say it is a different situation, but being o/l has these sorts of challenges. If it's bothering you, eating at you, or irritating you, you should talk with him about it. If he gives you an answer, then you have your answer. If he's evasive, shady or dodgy, then you also have your answer. O/l, in this case, is a different animal... and people keep things private for various reasons...

In your case, Claire, it sounds like he is being pretty open & honest with you--he tells you why he is going to be gone & when, and that he has a wife who doesn't know (that's INCREDIBLY open & honest) and who he doesn't want to know, etc... He also probably has NO idea how one-sided he sounds, asking you for details of your life when he doesn't give you details of his. He probably just wants to get to know you better as a person & as a sub. So talk with him about it: discuss that the unevenness is making you uncomfortable, set a limit at which you guys won't push eachother with questions about r/l... you have to find a balance that works for you...

Everyone should beware of a partner who never tells you anything & is completely evasive of ANY questions... but it doesn't seem like that's the situation here... so Claire... it's time to chat w/him & say, "Sir/Master/whatever-you-call-him, I am okay with sharing more r/l info about me, but in return, why don't you tell me something more r/l about yourself?" There are a LOT of ways to approach this, but you have to find the one that works for you...

Good luck!

[claire]

We have discussed the issue, but I didn't get very far as he became defensive and said he wasn't keeing secrets, which I assured him I didn't think he was. That defensive reaction was very out of character for him. He has been very open and honest about things in general, past and current relationships etc. He is bisexual and met a male nurse in the hospital and had him over one day for fun and games and he obviously told me about that. I guess what it comes down to is that he tells me about his sex life and things that directly involve me. He doesn't tell me about the daily minutia that make up our lives. I want to be with him so much that I want to know everything as if I were really there living with him. Pretty unrealistic I guess.

I don't think he is necessarily uncomfortable telling me more about his life, I think really its more that things that are over and done with, don't need to be discussed. He just doesn't dwell on stuff. Where as I obsess on things. I also feel flattered that he is so interested in me. I have been an outsider so much of my life that it is wonderful to have someone to spill it all out too. I guess it is just personality differences and my frustration that it isn't real life and isn't likely too be, as we live on different continents. Although we talk about it as if it will happen someday.

Thanks gem and delia for your input. This is so much cheaper than psychotherapy and gives me a place to work through stuff, but still get realistic feedback.

[AdrianaAurora]

As Delia said a lot of it may have to do with the fact that its a o/l relationship. But if we are going to generalize, my Dom is a very quiet, very even tempered and very closed man. Now coming from a large and loud family I found that soothing and attractive - most of the time. Every now and then (lets say about once a month, ) I would get very frustrated because I had to drag everything out of him. And it wasn't because he kept secrets, it was either because of his "whats done is done, no point in dwelling" attitude or because he didn't want to worry me, ie. he was trying to protect me, . What I did is, I learned to read him - his eyes, his body language, between lines.
With time we have gotten ( I have trained him, hehehe) to a place where he no longer keeps secrets from me, tells me all the big stuff and is relying on my counsel. But much of our communication is still non verbal. He told me recently that when he travels alone he misses having me there just to look over and give me that look and have me understand.
However I doubt we will ever come to the point where he gives me minute details of his every day. And frankly who would want that, to live with a male chatterbox? I need my peace and quiet, thank you very much.