Bad luck or expectations?

[epiphany]

Hi everyone, I have a question.

I've been interested in the bdsm lifestyle for quite a while now, though I've never really met a partner of any sort. For a while I had an online dom friend who was absolutely fantastic. We talked about everything, not just sexual things, but about me and philosophy and the world, just everything. We fell out when I decided to become religious, which is a phase that's since past, but that's beside the point. Anyway, since then I've tried to find other doms to talk to, as I'm submissive. The problem that I've run into is that everyone wants something from me right away. If they live far away they want me to cam, if they live in the area they want to meet.

I'm not looking for a random sexual relationship. Not only would I not be intimate with a complete stranger, I certainly am not going to be submissive to someone I just met and hasn't expressed an interest in any part of me except the parts he can fuck. I am a strong woman, with goals and plans and I'll admit I'm pretty controlling. I like my life mine and I don't like people having control over me because I don't trust anyone not to screw things up. So trust is a big issue for me, and I don't understand why there always seems to be this expectation that because I'm submissive I'll submit to anyone and as a dom you have some right to my submission. You don't get that right away, I've only met one person ever that I would have entered into an online or physical bdsm relationship with, and he got to know me and guided me and didn't mind that half the time I didn't know what I wanted because it was all new and very nerve-wracking for me. I don't give up control easily, but that doesn't mean I'm not hoping to find the right person. I'm very prideful, and not looking to be degraded. I want a partner, not a better. I know that I'm intelligent and capable and I don't want someone that represses or ignores that. I need to be respected too. I can't help what I crave, and I've fought it for a long time. I have so many buried desires, I know they're there, but I can't find them by myself. I need someone else that can see me and love me enough to find them for me. Sometimes it will be hard and stressful for me, and if you can't work through them with me, if it irritates you that it's a struggle for me sometimes then you're pretty useless. I have so many emotions riding in this hidden piece of me that I can't let someone in who can't be trusted implicitly. I want someone who knows I can submit only to them and will make me stronger for it, not tear me down. I would give everything I have. I need to give, it's a strong part of who I am and I desperately want someone who completes me in that way. This was kind of a ramble and maybe not very specific, but it's about so much more than sex for me.

Everyone I've talked to has told me that because I'm not willing to submit right away I'm not submissive, or can't handle it, or should try dating normally. This hurts because a solid bdsm relationship is something I really look forward to finding someday, but I understand myself and that I cannot submit to someone I don't respect completely and can't respect someone I don't know. I'm really frustrated because over time I've slowly come to believe that there isn't anyone out there who feels the same way about submission that I do, that's it's not something to be given lightly. I'm really posting this so that I can get a community opinion on whether I've just never found decent doms or if what I'm looking for isn't what this lifestyle provides.

[Ragoczy]

Keep looking and don't give up, you'll find what you're searching for.

The old saying, "you have to kiss a lot of toads", is even more true trying to find a D/s relationship than traditional, I think. And especially true for submissives -- I never have understood the dearth of good dominants out there. But if you keep looking you'll find someone who understands the need to let you move into the relationship at a reasonable pace and isn't just looking for sex.

Wait for someone who understands that each step, from email to chat to cam to meeting to scene, is a gift you give and not theirs by right of the mail-order riding crop they bought.

[_ID_]

I would try your local munch.

You can go, get to know people, network, make a solid connection with someone before you submit or anything else.

http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html#Colorado

#
Colorado
# Boulder: Boulder County Pervs; social and play party group
# Denver: COPE, 1015 S Gaylord St. #200, Denver, CO 80209
# Denver Bound; dinner & play group
# Defenders-Denver; Catholic leather society, P O Box 3072, Denver, CO 80202
# The Denver Harbour; educational, support, & social group.
# The Enclave; Alternative lifestyle (bdsm, fetish) social club.
# The Fold
# MORE-Denver; all male BDSM/fetish, social, educational and play party for guys 21 and above.
# Pansexual United Nubile Kinksters: pansexual, non-profit discussion group dedicated to providing a safe, friendly environment for younger members of the Denver BDSM community. (18-30 year olds)
# PEP-Denver
# Uncommon Ground; P O Box 2037, Woodland Park, CO 80866 Email: membership@uncommon-ground.org
# WICK'D: Women In Control of Kink; forum for female dominants and those who serve them.
# Pueblo: The Triskele Club

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgscol.html#CO

Colorado


Clubs / Dungeons
Dark Fortress

Denver Sanctuary
The Enclave

Shopping
CJ's Leather

Raw Designs

Really Cool Artist

TieMeUp

Uzi

Wylde Wear

BEG - (Bottoms Exchange Group) - Colorado Springs - 1st and 2nd Friday munches. A group for bottoms, submissives, pets, slaves, masochists, etc, involved in the BDSM scene. It is based in the Denver area. 19+ - Email Plzursub@aol.com

CoP - Celebration of Power - Colorado Springs - We are a private club, gathering in Colorado Springs, to explore, socialize, and educate in the world of consensual power exchange. We meet regularly to play and promote further education in this forum. Holding First Friday munches and other events. Email Masterraindance@adelphia.net for Info [Email List] [checked 10/10/07]



ColoradoBDSM.org - Resource site for information on Colorado groups sponsored by the Colorado Leather Community Coalition (CLCC) [Event Notices] [checked 1/25/07]

Colorado Inner Sanctum - Denver - a social, play and educational group for the advancement and practice of protocol as it relates to Dominant/submissive and Master/slave relationships. [Email List] [checked 10/6/07]

COLLAR - COlorado Leather/Ladies Alternative Resource Denver group meeting 2nd Thursdays - email collardenver@yahoo.com for information

Colorado Leather Weekend - August Event in Denver

Colorado Uniform Men, inc - Denver - a confederation of individuals who enjoy collecting and wearing uniforms and uniform memorabilia. For more information, E-Mail cumdenver@hotmail.com or cumdenver@aol.com

Denver Bound - Denver - a pansexual BDSM club specializing in bondage and fetish restraints and their integration into the sensual aspects of the lifestyle. We combine our play parties, educational seminars and demos into a fun evening where we educate members and put our learning into practical application. E-Mail Info@DenverBound.com [Email List]

Denver Boys of Leather - Denver - a group of self-identified leatherboys. The term leatherboy is defined as broadly as possible with the intent of being inclusive, and boy not being based on sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, or appearance. Our purpose is to gather in brotherhood and boyhood, supporting our members and our community with respect and integrity. E-Mail info_denverboysofleather@yahoo.com [Email List] [checked 1/25/07]

Denver Munch - We meet the Second Friday of each month. This is a social event for D/s people in a vanilla environment, for the purpose of just getting to know one another and to have a good time. No fetish wear. Anyone interested in knowing more about the BDSM community is welcome to learn and socialize. For more info, send an email with "Munch" in the subject to denvermunch@gmail.com [checked 3/31/08]

Dom/me Discussion Group - Denver - This group meets every Thursday afternoon. Space is limited so rsvp early if you wish to attend. This will be an open discussion type group for Tops to exchange ideas and skills. Please email me at blackwidow@interfold.com for instructions to the house. Coffee and iced tea will be provided. If you would like any other non-alcoholic beverage, please feel free to bring it. A "donation" for coffee supplies would be very helpful since there is no charge for the meeting.

The FOLD - Denver - The Mission of The FOLD is to further the M/s & D/s Lifestyles through good works and educational classes. Our Members are chosen for their dedication and leadership in this realm. [checked 10/10/07]

The Gateway - Denver

The Gorean Edge - Denver - An offline Gorean group that practices Gorean protocol, and conducts group discussions on the Gorean Society in real time. We meet the third Saturday of each month at a location in the north central area of Denver.

Leather-Men Colorado - specifically for gay Colorado Leathermen. Holding the Leathermen's Social & Demo.

Longmont Munch - For information, Email ggaryg@hotmail.com

ManCODE - Denver - a group of biological men located in Colorado that enjoy the various facets of kink and/or fetish and gather for a monthly "play" party where everyone can indulge in their various kinks/fetishes without fear of judgment.

Ms Leather Colorado contest - Denver

Northern Colorado Leather Association - Longmont - A new group of interested and like minded people in Northern CO, Wyoming and western Nebraska. Group meets once a month at a location TBA, all are welcome, it is more or less a totally gay group though. Even though it is a Northern CO group all are welcome and meetings generally are held in Longmont, meeting are informational, and set as a group discussion on any topic concerning the leather community. Email to Aberfleur@aol.com or Call 303 776-6640

PEP Denver - People Exchanging Power (PEP) is a sincere support/educational/social network for all adults, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, who have an interest in S&M, D/s and other fetishes. For more information, email mailto:PEP2@PEP-Denver.org or call (303)575-1600

PUNK - Pansexual United Nubile Kinksters - Denver - PUNK is a pansexual, non-profit discussion group dedicated to providing a safe, friendly environment for younger members of the Denver BDSM community.

Pike's Peak Summit Masters - Colorado Springs - We are Colorado Springs Premier Leather/Levi/Uniform Club that meets the 3rd Wednesday of every month. Our main goal is to united individuals interested in the lifestyle and to form a stronger community as a whole. Our pledge season is every January-March. Any questions, feel free to contact TIMLANDT@aol.com - P.O. Box 60485, Colorado Springs, Co. 80960-0485

Rocky Mountain Leather Alliance Denver - Our mission is to promote a unifying force in the diversity of the Colorado Leather and gay communities and the promotion of leather through social and educational events. info@rmlalliance.com [checked 1/24/07]

Rocky Mountain Power Exchange Denver - a pansexual group formed to provide a place for people interested in BDSM to meet like-minded adults & have fun. We promote safety & education and provide a supportive environment for growth.

Rocky Mountain Rope Art - Denver - “Our Goal” Is to share what is happening in the Rocky Mountain Rope community. This was created for the sharing of information about events and seminars on all alternative lifestyles. info@rmlalliance.com [checked 1/24/07]

Scarlet Moons of Denver a group to help educate, inform, and provide a safe enviroment for people who have an interest in corporal punishment and sexual discipline with social evenings & play parties admin@scarletmoons.com

SKALES - Safe Kink Adult Lifestyle Education & Support - Denver - For adults 18 and over. [checked 10/6/07]

Submission's Universal Breath - S.U.B. - Denver - a discussion and education forum designed to specifically address the need for individuals engaging or exploring submission as a life choice. The goal of the organization is to provide a safe confidential peer support network for the Metro Denver area with monthly meetings. [Email List]

Thunder in the Mountains, Denver, CO - Every July !

Uncommon Ground - Denver - We are a BD/SM support group. Our purpose is educational and social, promoting ethics and know-how in The Scene (the BD/SM community) and providing a forum where our members may associate with one another and form bonds of friendship with BD/SM as a common interest. - email William at DarkWindow@aol.com for information. Mailing address: 669 Peoria Street, No. 226, Aurora, Colorado 80011 - Phone: 303-371-6565

WICK'D - Women In Control of Kink~Denver - founded in May of 2002 to provide a forum and playtime for the Female Dominants in the Colorado area and those who choose to serve them. Meeting the 4th Friday of each month. Email wickdindenver1@aol.com or MystressDream@aol.com [checked 1/25/07]

Colorado Local Email Discussion Lists:

BDSM Colorado
Denver BDSM
Denver_CO_BDSM Mailing list for those in the Denver, Colorado scene who are interested in BDSM, any aspect.
Denver Society of Ds for people living (or visiting) the Denver Metro area who are interested in Power Exchange
SpankmeCO - 19+ yahoo group for gay or bi-sexual or straight men who enjoy getting spanked or dishing out the spankings

Colorado Local IRC Channels and AOL Chat:

#colorado on irc.bondage.com

[Euryleia]

I'm going to echo Ragoczy here--you need to be patient. There are a large number of posers in the world of BDSM and you've got your work cut out for you in separating the wheat from the chaff.

Take your time. You have every right and reason to want to develop trust before you expose yourself on film or in person. That's where the whole 'sane' comes in with the mantra safe, sane, and consensual. Wait until you've built the respect before you offer your submission.

One recommendation I have is to look around these or other forums and see if there is a Dom/me whose responses to threads or by their posts shows you something to admire. Respectfully approach them about being a mentor for you or your protector. A lot of the wannabe's will back off immediately if they know that you are being watched over by an honorable Dom/me.

Good luck in the search.

[denuseri]

Euryleia is right on target in my book on this boo

i have nothing against a little casual fun now and then, but when searching for the one dom you want for a lasting relationship patience is key, impulse buying with a car is ussually a mistake, finding the right man to submit too has got to be an even more involved procsess

if they wont respect your need for a little time first then they are not worth your
efforts boo

to answer this:
(Everyone I've talked to has told me that because I'm not willing to submit right away I'm not submissive, or can't handle it, or should try dating normally. This hurts because a solid bdsm relationship is something I really look forward to finding someday, but I understand myself and that I cannot submit to someone I don't respect completely and can't respect someone I don't know. I'm really frustrated because over time I've slowly come to believe that there isn't anyone out there who feels the same way about submission that I do, that's it's not something to be given lightly. I'm really posting this so that I can get a community opinion on whether I've just never found decent doms or if what I'm looking for isn't what this lifestyle provides.)

Sounds to me like you have been only talking to a bunch of trolls that wanna trick you into webcam sex or worse .....and as for submission, i dont advise yu just hand it out like its candy, a man has to earn the right of dominance, that which is so freely given is not often if ever appreciated, besides how will you know if he is strong enough to be your dom if you just knuckle down from the get go?

its one thing to be polite and or comp-liant it is another thing to submit to the strength of a real dominant, dont by the hype sis, thier is nothing wrong with your idea of only truely submitting to one that you know well and shall be in a relationship with

pm me if you have any questions or conserns boo, i am allways willing to help my fellow subbie sistas out

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I agree with denu on this one, epiphany. All the ones you've been talking about were trolls, one who would cyber with you, then leave and find another sub to cyber with. When it comes to finding a Dom you definitely need to have patience, or you will get your heart broken too many times. Just because you are a sub it doesn't mean that you submit to every person who tells you, "Kneel, slut." It doesn't work that way, not if you're looking for a real relationship with a real Dom. Kneeling to every so-called Dom will only get you cyber sessions with trolls. Cybering's fun and all in the beginning, but when you're looking for more than that it gets old and boring very quickly.

So keep being patient and keep looking and don't give away your submission too soon.

[Ragoczy]

Just because you are a sub it doesn't mean that you submit to every person who tells you, "Kneel, slut."

I second this. My kitten submits only to me. She knows that if we're somewhere and another dominant gets out of hand and I'm not around, I'll be very disappointed if I show up and don't find her stiletto heel sticking out of his ass.

[mighty_marc]

Dear Epiphany,

the difficulties you are experiencing are not bound to bdsm relationships only. Basically every human being is looking for the same and finding a devoted partner, someone who knows that love is about giving in the first place and not about what one expects to get is also hard to be found in a vanilla relationship.
Responisble partners, craving for reading the other one's mind, feeling the desire to flow together with someone else are rare and most relationships, whether they are in bdsm circles or in the vanilla world do merely exist as no one want's to be alone. Bdsm is just a tool, but the art it is used in is the same as in every vanilla relationship; the art is called love through devotion!

Be sure that there is someone existing who is meant for you, someone who will one day read your mind, make you feel comfortable, someone in who's arms you will feel like wanting to let yourself fall, knowing that he will catch you.

Who knows where you will find him. Maybe he will just find you if you are just authentic.

You will see!

Yours

Marc