BDSM & Marital and Emotional Infidelities

[Pandora's Box]

A disclaimer:

This post is in no way a judgement against any one person or group of people. I realize that life comes in all sorts of shades of gray, but it is just something I've been thinking about and pondering.


Now, on to the topic.

I've talked to a lot of people over the course of my exploration. And I've had the opportunity and privilege to talk to many people on this site. I keep running into something that has led me to wonder if in some way, people aren't more lax about marital indiscretions in light of BDSM.

I know of people that have spouses, some interested in BDSM and some not, that have online BDSM relationships. Now I realize that BDSM is termed as a "lifestyle" (whateverthehellthatmeans) but I am more inclined to group it in to sexual behavior for my thoughts on this. (Yes I do realize that BDSM can have nothing to do with sexuality, however in practical application that is more rarity than reality.) The sexual drive is among the strongest that we have. And many of the urges behind and manifestations of BDSM are sexual.

What makes this relevant to me is that in the "vanilla" world, I don't see the "turning of the other cheek" towards infidelity that I see in the BDSM world. And it makes me wonder. In the "vanilla" world, you'll see people with sexual incompatibilities cheat, but rarely see other people ignore the indiscretion or even encourage the cheater on their quest. However I have seen that happen in the BDSM world a lot.

I guess, what my question comes down to is, does it seem to others that BDSM is deemed as an acceptable reason for infidelity?

Part of this is my idealism, part of it practical observation. I myself have never cheated or entertained the thought of it. I can't imagine aligning myself with a man that I am sexually incompatible with, BDSM related or not. I realize that some of these people discovered BDSM after their unions and are in a bit of a double bind. However, I also honestly think that if BDSM is truly part of a person then by continuing in a relationship that does not fulfill that part of themselves is a bit of a sham.

Again, I know that things like children and finances are practical realities that must be dealt with. But then again, in the "vanilla" world, any counselor worth their salt would not recommend that someone stay in a union that will never satisfy them as people. And one that would, over time, cause long term trauma.

And then, if one does extend BDSM beyond the sexual, into the emotional and personal... doesn't it make it just that much more of an act of unfaithfulness to your partner? Does fidelity take a backseat to BDSM?

Just some ramblings. And again. This is not meant as a judgement on anyone. I know the situations of several people on the board. And I can honestly say that if I were in their situations I do not know what I would do. I can only say that I hope I can avoid being in those situations in the future.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Now I realize that BDSM is termed as a "lifestyle" (whateverthehellthatmeans) but I am more inclined to group it in to sexual behavior for my thoughts on this.

For that answer, read my very old article here named "What is BDSM?"

Now, to answer a few of your other questions. BDSM relationships are relationships, just like any other kind of relationship is just a relationship. When you enter into a BDSM relationship, you agree to abide by the merits and parameters of that relationships, just like any other kind of relationship.

When people enter into a vanilla relationship, they assume fidelity will exist. When people enter into an engagement, they assume the fidelity will continue. When people enter into a marriage, they assume fidelity, again, will continue. Unless that is not what the partners have agreed to. I have known many people in polygamous relationships, and in open marriages. The common theme in all of their relationships was that they agreed to those things beforehand or they talked about them during their course of their relationship and agreed to change things.

The same thing applies to BDSM relationships. If a person goes into a BDSM relationship with the idea of strict monogamy, then their partner should respect that. However, if the relationship entered into is one of polyamoury or if the aspects of the relationship change over time and the people involved want to include others, then that is not infidelity, that is renegotiation or communication.

Granted, any dominant whether online or off, that "cheats" on his submissive by going around behind her back or playing with another submissive without first communicating his desire or renegotiating the parameters of his relationship is guilty if infidelity. At that point, I would venture to guess that any negotiated contract the two parties agreed to becomes null and void and the submissive can, and darn well should, look for a faithful partner.

And submissives do it, too. In fact, in my experience, submissives do it a lot more than dominants do. Especially (and no offense guys) male submissives. Talking from mostly online experience, I can safely say that that about 8 out of every 10 submissves that I know in online relationships have commited an act of infidelity, if you can call it that when it involves cybersex or cyberBDSM. But don't think I'm taking the dominants' side in any of this. I've seen some online "dominants" use every trick in the book, from creating new chat nicks to creating new IM accounts to moving to another chat system with the objects of their infedlities. Mostly, male dominants do this, I have noticed. And mostly, they're not very good at it either.

So, what it boils down to, getting back on topic, is what you've decided for your relationship. If you've decided that more than one partner is fine, then it is. If you want monogamy, then that's fine, too. And hey, you can always renegotiate later.

[Pandora's Box]

This is more of a philosophical meandering than anything else.

I didn't actually mean cheating doms and subs per se. I meant more like people that are into bdsm but married to "vanilla" partners. And how the community tends to look the other way, and even in many cases, encourage the exploration.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Well, never mind, then. Please disregard the content of my last post.

[abitbent]

I can't speak for everyone Pandora... but i'm willing to bet that the majority of cases (where there is infidelity due to D/s exploration) are kinky folk who have blossomed at a later time in life. A later time that may find themselves trying very hard to fit into a vanilla relationship, and now committed, perhaps with kids.

This is how it played out for me. I ignored what i couldn't understand about my sexuality, and did what everyone did. Found a very nice, attractive vanilla girlfriend and started a family. It wasn't until later in my young adult life that i realized that my monster inside was still waiting to be fed. I wish i could say it's a choice rather than a need but i can not. I continue to struggle with it daily, and i know it affects those around me.

Perhaps that why people in the D/s community tend to not frown upon it. I did enjoy your post however. Something that i still don't understand about this lifestyle is just how rampant poly relationships are here. I'm not much for poly, but nobody is saying everyone has to be like me either.. lol

Good topic..

bent

[Barton]

Pandora, I would have to say that the reason we are perhaps more tolerant is that we all seem to really believe in "Different strokes for different folks.
Most people in vanilla relationships do not really believe in that, even though they may say they do.

Barton

[cornelius76]

Hi there,

I've been thinking about that a lot, as I have a strong interest in BDSM (not likely to go away anytime soon), and, while my wife knows about these feelings, she does not share them.

I married at a young age, while I was still exploring my feelings with regard to BDSM. In the 10 years of our marriage it has become clear that we love each other very much, that my wife will never get into bdsm, and that I get very frustrated if I don't at the very least surf the web at least once a week.

A couple of years back - I guess in a make or break attempt at finding out whether this really was for me - I booked a session with a pro Domme, which, as it turned out, confirmed for once and for all that actually doing this (or in this case: having done to) is a lot better still than just reading and fantasizing about it .

My wife doesn't know about this session, nor do I plan on telling her (at the moment anyway). Likewise, if I do manage to find a suitable partner to play with, I will likely not tell - she has made it very clear that if I ever was to cheat on her, all hell would break lose. And I know for a fact that this would greatly hurt her too.

And yet, she is not able to fulfill this one crucial aspect of me.

This does not mean I do not love her, nor do I have any intent nor wish to find another person to have the deeply emotional attachment I have with her. Same goes for vanilla sex. But if anyone was to ask me if I wanted to come and play, i would do so without giving it a second thought, as it will make me a happier person.

So I guess that according to the law I did cheat when I had the session, and would again if I played with someone again. I guess to most people I have been - and in my mind still am - unfaithful. I know my wife would feel cheated on. And yet, I can't say I feel guilty or event the slightest remorse. Quite the contrary. If anything, by exploring these feelings - if it so happens to the point of infidelity - I feel I will be a better and more loving husband. So from a personal, emotional standpoint I do not feel i am unfaithful at all.

As to whether or not the BDSM community does encourage people to commit these infidelities, not having been part of it for very long, I cannot say for sure. From what I have seen, many within the community seem more open to the possibility, or perhaps less judgmental about it, than 'average' people. In part I would guess that by accepting their own feelings people within the community are by their very nature less conforming than average, and having lived through the process of accepting know how strong, and perhaps initially disconcerting these feelings can be.

I hope that the above all made sense, if not, let me know (still wondering every so often if I'm not a little schizoid... ),

Cornelius.

[cornelius76]

well put, slave lucy!

[slavelucy]

This is more of a philosophical meandering than anything else.

I didn't actually mean cheating doms and subs per se. I meant more like people that are into bdsm but married to "vanilla" partners. And how the community tends to look the other way, and even in many cases, encourage the exploration.

Ah, right, i think i see what you mean Pandora..and i think i have some sort of answer, but i am finding it slightly difficult to put into words, but i'll give it a whirl!

These four points sort of (hopefully!) follow on sequentially:

Firstly, i think it's quite possible that people marry vanilla partners long before they realise, consciously i guess, their interest in BDSM.

Secondly, i also think it's possible that a partner could have an interest in BDSM, but, BDSM being so broad, it isn't that close to one's own kinks (for want of a better word)....which could become increasingly apparent in ones relationship.

Thirdly (and maybe some will disagree with me), i think that the desire to submit (or dominate...although obviously i can only speak from the submissive viewpoint) is something that is very difficult to supress....in some respects, it almost 'gets a grip' of you....be that for sexual reasons or who you are, all the best will and highhanded morality in the world is fighting something of an uphill battle against it.

Forthly and in direct reference to your question; yes, i think the BDSM community probably are more accepting (accepting, not 'turning a blind eye') of it, the reason for which i believe is essentially two fold:

1) Most people who share the same desires have a true understanding of what sort of feelings, both physical and emotional, the whole Ds things brings to the fore. This is in relation to the third point...they understand, not because they 'approve' of cheating, that's nonsensical, but because they know what it's like to want to fulfill that side of you and to be unable to.

2) Quite simply, people involved in BDSM are, generally speaking, more tolerant people, probably because they equally know how it feels to be criticised by people who don't even give you a chance to explain what it's about.

i hope i managed to sum up what i wanted to say..as an aside, i don't think pratical ethics can be constructed or laid down, broad brush, but rather something that is being created in an existential, ongoing sense and always somewhat individual and personal.

Here endeth the lesson.

sl

[Dslave]

I misread your post, as well. But, now that I think I know what you're getting at, here is my two cents...

I think it boils down to communication. Too many people in vanilla relationships have a hard time being truly honest not only with themselves but with others. There are times when some of them have awakenings and realize what they desire is more on the lines of BDSM but they fear that their partner wouldn't understand and the communication between them shuts down and the communication between the explorer and the BDSM community begins. And, the BDSM community has been shut out so much that they aren't going to shut someone else out for whatever reason especially when this person is just beginning to find their true nature. I think, simply, the BDSM community seems like it would simply be more open than the partner would to some people and in many ways they are. Why are they? Because they are much more honest with themselves (at least, most of them are) that certain things like polygamy (or multiple partners) are very natural and that "infidelity" is something created by the mainstream society and is not true to nature.

Yes, there are monogamous BDSM relationships but many are set up like nature where a male/Master is polygamous and the female/sub is monogamous. Strict monogamy was developed by the church not by nature and I think most BDSMers do have some grasp of that and are less judgemental of "infidelities" because of this than society is.

[Curtis]

I wish I could wax as eloquently as some of the rest of you have, but to me this is a very simple matter: There's nothing wrong with a poly- relationship, and Tourguide provides an excellant explanation of polys, BUT there is a huge difference between polys and cheating.

If you have your partner's permission, you aren't cheating. If you don't have your partner's permission, you're a bastard (even if you tell yourself you're doing it to make yourself a better spouse).

In a different thread I read through tonight, someone was essentially asking whether it was all right to cheat on a cheater. The very wise answer she was given (by multiple posters) was, NO. Even if your partner cheats, you should break it off with them before you take up (or have a fling) with someone else.

And that has nothing to do with religion -- it has to do with common decency.