Letting Go...

[J-Go]

At some point in this lifestyle it seems one has to let go of preconceived ideas when it comes to sex and possession. I’m wondering how others deal with “play” either in a group setting or one on one with someone besides their committed partner.
Was this natural for you? Did you have to work or “experience” your way to it? How did your partner deal with it? Was there emotional fallout? I’m looking for some real life guidance and experience here folks not theory. Who has been successful in this who wasn’t. Please tell me your story.

[DIXIE LASS]

I think you are referring to polyamory, or swinging, or menage.....but I'm not sure which side you are on. I also think you are referring to the possessiveness and jealousy of a partner not bent that way. I'm the one who thinks, "if a little bit is good, more would be even better." But I've been involved in a long, long marriage (separated now) with an extremely jealous and possessive spouse. My real-life experience is that you'll get your ass knocked off for even thinking about it. I'm actually pretty innocent of wrong-doing in real-life. But I've never made any bones about my belief that monogamy is synonymous with monotony. (gee---bound to have mis-spelled at least one of those words). Within this community, I think the same thing is true. "your kink is ok----until you want to share it with someone besides me." (and that, believe it or not, is true of even online relationships which are just pretend to start with). I've been a little flippant in this post but I really think I could add some serious perspective from either side of the fence to your questions. Why don't you reply and add just a tad more detail? Are you trying to become a polyamorous lover or are you trying to deal with a partner who is, for example? Or, feel free to pm me. If I am identifying the problem correctly, then I can tell you that I've done a lot of soul-searching about it. No, I'm not making a grab for you thinking that I've found a kindred spirit. This subject has caused me much grief in my life and I would love to discuss it with someone else who is interested.

Dixie

[icey]

in my experience ive always found that bringing in 3rd partys only ever really works if the r/ship you're in is more of the casual kind.
in any close r/ship ive been in partners have always been happy to go ahead with three-four somes, seeing others seperatly etc but and there always was a but they could never handle it afterwards despite how much we'd talked,who'd organised it or how many agreements were made.
its all very exciting and fun at the time but it can be very difficult for most people to sit in the cold light of day afterwards and not have those tiny little niggling insecurities,jealousys and doubts creep in ...does he/she find them more attractive, does he/she find them more exciting, is he/she ever going to only want others involved now, what was his/her real reasons for wanting to do it,was it really just for fun or is it because he/she is bored with me, he/she was very comfortable with it all has he/she ever done this without my knowledge, etc etc and most cant handle that it just builds up and builds up until resentment anger accusations and guilt kicks in then all hell can break loose!

thats what ive found anyway, some people do it and are very happy that way but in reality most just dont get the outcome they were hoping for.

[badlyguidedlittlemis]

My dominant have I have an agreement that we are free to have a play session with someone else, we have boundaries and limits of course which are no sexual contact and if when we are in a club we play together first. (this is because I don't like to play with others and so he knows I am happy and content before he plays with another)

Our relationship is exclusive and I don't see that him having a session with another girl as cheating, or wrong. He simply likes to play a lot, and I can't do several sessions in a night. He enjoys the differences between me and these other girls, he likes working his 'domly voodoo' magic on others.

When he first suggested it I was not sure, as I'd never had to share him, I said I'd know and be able to make my mind up when I saw it.
When I saw it I knew I was okay with it because he invited me to join the play by using some sensation toys on the girl while he was flogging.

He has assured me that he would never touch another girl again if I said I was uncomfortable with it, and I know he would be true to his word. I'm proud that now he has begun playing with others, they are coming to him to ask for sessions, it has given him a confidence boost which is beautiful to see.
I don't feel like I have lost anything, he has gained so it works for us.

Hope that helped

[shayna{L_D}]

im very timid to write anything on this subject but i feel i should at least say something.

personally to me i think in ANY relationship that you have it should just be you and yours. I am a very jealous person and wouldnt want my Dom playing with anyone else, weather it be spanking/flogging/caning or sex, in the end its all the same thing in my eyes, just like in a vanilla setting kissing is cheating for me, period. Flogging/caning/spanking and no sex would still be cheating. Which to me, when you cheat you crossed the line and there is no turning back. I agree with Icey when she said that doubts will creeep into the mind of which ever one didn't play. Insecurities, for me, would be just as Icey said, thinking he finds me boring, or has he done this behind my back, or does he like that other person more, or did he enjoy it more then them verse me, is he thinking about her while hes with me...the list can go on.

To me no matter how much you discuss with with your Dom/sub there will almost always be problems down the line when you have an open relationship, well to me anyways. I take my hat off to people that have an open relationship and can actually make it work, for me it would be to much to handle and jealousy would take over and id end up leaving the situation.

J-Go i know this is not helping you much, you wanted to hear from people that were into swinging/poly/sharing, just i just felt like i needed to say something.

Good luck in finding your answers

[AdrianaAurora]

You might want to check my answer in Infidelity and bdsm thread on dealing with it.

As for playing with third parties, individually or together - its a huge no-no, especially for Him and I have no desire for it myself. I might be open to doing bdsm version of ménage à trois, but that is unlikely to happen - He organically cant stand the thought of someone else dominating me. After our wedding ceremony, He growled, "Mine" into my ear - and his favorite thing to say is, "she belongs to me".

Good luck,
Adriana

[angelic.zest]

well ive never been in a poly relationship, ive never been in a "open" relationship but i can give views on how i see certain aspects of these relationship.

i dont think its cheating its terms are agreed upon before something happens, i dont think its cheating if there's no sexual contact, nor do i think its cheating if these terms are agreed upon and then someone makes a slight mistake.
what i do think is cheating would be...the two parties not talking and discussing how they feel, what they want to come out of being with others, whats the purpose of them having more then one partner. Some ppl like me, likes to be shared, but i dont like i dont like to share...(im weird that way)...i also have a jealous bone but if there's no sexual contact i can deal with it...

i say cheating or just wanting to play depends on the ppl involved...some may take kissing as cheating while others may take finger a cunt isnt cheating, it just depends....i would say to work it out, talk and see how u want things to work out, be open and honest with the person your with and remember to have safe fun!

[cadence]

I am in somewhat of a poly relationship right now, I am not going to go into detail about it as it gets a bit complicated and confusing at times, but for now it works well for me.

I have no issues with playing or sharing with others. I won't lie and say I haven't felt the twinges of jealousy either, because I have. I work through those feelings and sort them out on my own. If I don't then the relationship has failed for me, and I must move on.

It all depends on how you can deal and handle the feelings you will undoubtably have.
Can you deal with jealousy? Can you equally share feelings and affections with another?
It's how you deal with these things that will determine how the relationship will be affected.

[Hime]

We have definitely had some internal resistance to the poly thing on both sides, but in the long run it has been totally worth it.

The way we did it, we started as a triangle with a close friend of ours (for a while she was our girlfriend), and eventually branched out into other partners from there. The triangle thing helped us to get used to the idea of seeing each other with someone else, which I think helped a lot.

Personally, it is easy for me to deal with my husband being with someone who is *very* different from me. The more I think of someone as similar to me in any way, the more likely I am to be jealous of them. Like, if my husband is with a Dominant person, or with a guy, or with an athletic chick with huge arms and no boobs, that doesn't make me as jealous, because that person is filling a different niche from me. The more things they have in common with me, the more nervous I get that they might try to take my place. I don't know if other people feel the same way, though.

It's also always going to be tough when one person has a lot of prospective partners and the other one doesn't. For a while, I had a lot of people who wanted to play with me, and D. didn't have as many, which was kind of hard on him. Lately, the situation has been reversed -- I've been striking out a lot, and he's in a really happy relationship with his GF. Naturally, this is kind of tough for me to deal with, although I suspect that the striking-out part would be almost as tough regardless of the circumstances. I hate getting turned down!

Basically, there are a lot of pitfalls, but with a lot of communication and respect it's easy to get past them, and it gets easier as you go. Plus there are fun benefits, like having his GF on my side when I'm trying to convince him to wear fitted shirts.