Online Training - Help a first-timer.

[Garmonbozia]

Hello everyone

I have just begun an online relationship with a delightful little sub who is very submissive but has no practical bdsm experience. She is very willing to learn and is deeply submissive.

I have experience in offline training but have none in online training, or distance relationships of any kind. This training is really a prelude to meeting, not a strictly online relationship, as she lives quite a distance from me.

So I would love to hear from Doms who have online experience and wouldn't mind sharing some of their experiences, tips and knowledge with me. No doubt I could learn through trial and error (as to which offline activities don't translate well online etc) but with such a wealth of knowledge and experience here I thought why not tap into it first

Jason

[Garmonbozia]

anyone?
anyone?

[Jai]

I think there is a how to guide to online relationships in the dungeon section of this site. But I'm not entirely sure cause I've never looked. It may be worth a look though.

[slavelucy]

I think there is a how to guide to online relationships in the dungeon section of this site. But I'm not entirely sure cause I've never looked. It may be worth a look though.

Yup, there is a good guide to online relationships in the Dungeon. i think that sugeneg was looking for a few experiences and perhaps a few ideas though, now he's actually IN an online relationships...have all our dominants with online experience gone suddenly shy? *smiles*

i think there may be a few threads about the same issue in the dusty recesses of the forums somewhere sugeneg, i'll have a look through and try and dig out any i think may be helpful to you.

sl

i have had a look through some of the archives and found the following threads which may be of some interest to you:

Online relationships:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=562

Punishments and other specifics:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1684

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=480

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1079

This thread contains some reference to org. dep in an online capacity:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=531

Other than that, all i could suggest is if you had any specific questions regarding being an online dominant, then ask them here, i'm sure people will answer a specific question.

Hope this is helpful to you.

sl

[Garmonbozia]

Thanks lucy. Now I have some reading to do.

Jason

[SirW]

She is very willing to learn and is deeply submissive.

I have experience in offline training but have none in online training, or distance relationships of any kind. This training is really a prelude to meeting, not a strictly online relationship, as she lives quite a distance from me.

So I would love to hear from Doms who have online experience and wouldn't mind sharing some of their experiences, tips and knowledge with me. No doubt I could learn through trial and error (as to which offline activities don't translate well online etc) but with such a wealth of knowledge and experience here I thought why not tap into it first

Jason

I have done on-line training in the past, then when I met my current submissive 5 years ago pretty much stopped. Last month though, I bumped into a newbie subbie here, and we have started an on-line training. I think the key to success in on-line training is Two things: One, go slow and don't rush things. I find myself always having to re-read the emails I send to her because I sometimes get going and then ask her to do about 10 things all at once. Prioritize what you wish to do with her. Lists work good with due dates. Set up right away how you wish her to respond to any emails and any on-line chats or sessions. Then reinforce that she doesn't need to feel that she needs to learn or know everything at once.

Two: Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Can't stress that enough. Write out everything you are going to tell her in a Word document (better to edit and save), re-read it and then send it to her. When replying to her emails, include her reply and your response. This allows her (and you) to follow the different topic threads .
Keep asking her to ask you questions. I find that new subs have a lot of questions but are usually afraid to ask. Sometimes if I am not getting enough questions I tell her that her next assignment is to ask me a question about (some topic). I have, in the past, told the sub that each time she emails me to ask me a question about my background or experience. This way if I didn't already tell her something or didn't elaborate then she has the opportunity.
Save everything. Since most of this relationship is going on through email, chats, IM, etc...keep the paper trail. It helps you to stay organized, and helps fight confusion about who said what when etc....

The next step is to lay out to her the way your on-line relationship is going to unfold. Since she is brand new it is a little easier, because she probably doesn't have a lot of pre-conceived notions to correct. But, tell her what your role is going to be (I tell my subs I am a guide in our journey to discover their submissive soul). Let her know what her role is, and your expectations of what she is going to need to do.
I always have the sub tell me about her past BDSM experiences as well as sexual experiences. I have had women tell me that they had no BDSM experiences and then eventually reveal they had a BF hold their hands above their head as he screwed her (but didn't understand this is a BDSM experience).
Ask about her lifestyle now and how much time she has to contact you. Then set limits of how much contact you will have with her. This just gives her a framework to follow and allows you to begin to control (which is what she wishes). Also, your time can start to get away from you if you don't keep on this. I am not saying she can only contact you for certain times on certain days, but when you start both of you may wish more time then one or both can afford to give. If you control this it works better.

Then have her download one of the BDSM checklists (one here: http://www.twoheartsonesoul.com/checklistp.htm) you may have used in the past. I have the sub email me about 15-20 of the items at a time, asking her to ask me if she doesn't understand something, and then tell me if she has any experience or an interest in that item. This allows for a lot of learning to take place as well as getting to know her better. Also, you can send her URL for follow-up info on specific topics. Is also, a good way for you to learn things (I looked up Bastinado when I didn't know what the term was). Also, suggest books to read, or better yet (if you can) mail her one of your favorite books and you can assign her a passage to read and then tell you her feelings about it.
"Her feelings", the key to the whole on-line training. Keep asking her to tell you her feelings. This is the only way you can judge how she is doing, what she is learning, and if she is progressing the way you feel she should be.
I continually ask about her feelings. Each time we part a chat or IM, I tell her to email me within 12 hours and tell me her feelings about what we just did or experienced. Since you can't see her reactions in her face or body, you have to keep making her tell you her feelings. Then you can sort through them with her.
Try to keep this on-line only for at least awhile. Sometimes if the connection is strong you will wish to go to phone right away. Try to avoid this impulse and wait until she is ready for it. You will not believe the power of hearing your voice for the first time will do to her. When you make her wait until she knows you a bit and you feel confident in beginning to know her, then the power of the moment is that much more.
Just like a real time relationship the on-line one is all about building trust. So keep going slow and pacing yourself. Offer her choices, but for the most part You maintain the control of what you will do when. Evaluate her responses and then decided which direction you are going to go.

A couple of short takes on a few things:
Titles: Decide what you wish her to call you and then make her stick to it. I like Sir because Master means something different to me than most. But pick something and then make her stick to it. Also, pick her a nick or pet name you decide on. Make her change her on-screen nick to that. Make it special and unique.

Discipline: Make sure she understands she needs to be focused on you and disciplined. Just because you can’t see her doesn’t mean she should not be disciplined and wearing what you asked her to, or sitting a certain way. Make sure you tell her that honesty is the key to an on-line relationship. Always be honest with you. If you ask her to do something and she tries but can’t then make sure she tells you. Tell her you will be more disappointed if she doesn’t tell you she can’t do that then pretending she did it.

Sex- you are going to have cyber sex with her. I usually go slow with her and always make her extend it out. I will give her a release, but make it drawn out. I usually try to begin orgasm control from the get go. Making her start, stop, start again etc… I will give her a release before we are done with a session, but make her earn it. I rarely ever come myself in the beginning. She will ask you about this (she will be very concerned that you are satisfied and that you find her pleasing). I tell her that I will get what I need when I need it. I like using toys, but try to keep it to one or two things per session. Also, keep asking her feelings.

End of Part 1


SirW

[TheDeSade]

I was rambling around the knowledge base, playing with the search engine and stumbled on this thread.

This is a truely valuable resource, especially for those who are just beginning an online training relationship.

However, I think it can be expanded. So, I would ask everyone who is involved or has been involved in an online training relationship to add to this but to expand it a bit.

I would like to see this expanded to include specifics on training methods, schedules, tasks, demands, rules, etc. I can envision this thread becoming a defacto encyclopedia of training aids and teaching materials.

TDS

[fantassy]

Glad you brought this thread to light, TDS, it was an interesting read.

fantassy