Dating 'non-vanilla'

[jeanne]

I started a thread about dating 'vanilla' and it morphed into dating 'non-vanilla'. Heehee!

So I thought I'd ask...tell us about your dating experiences in the BDSM world.

Please???

[leah06]

Well, I agree that submission is a gift, and as I get to know someone of course this topic comes up in conversation - BUT. When you've only met someone five minutes ago and he starts in about how submission is a gift - cross your legs and check your wallet.

[jeanne]

Well, I agree that submission is a gift, and as I get to know someone of course this topic comes up in conversation - BUT. When you've only met someone five minutes ago and he starts in about how submission is a gift - cross your legs and check your wallet.

Oh no kidding! I hate those conversations...find myself thinking 'yeah, yeah, yeah, submission is a gift, blah, blah, blah...'

When the conversation actually turns to 'who I am as a sub and who you are as a Dom', then we can talk about gifts and such.

[leah06]

When the conversation actually turns to 'who I am as a sub and who you are as a Dom', then we can talk about gifts and such.

My best non-vanilla dates, and the men who give off the most Dom vibe, are pretty similar to vanilla dates except in the course of our emails we've made our goals and aspirations pretty clear. A lot of guys who call themselves Doms are really just kinky, and they tend to steer the conversation to sex pretty quickly. Some guys seem like wanna-be's, and they tend to steer the conversation to "submission is a gift and I will cherish you" pretty quickly. This wisdom was aquired in the course of about a month and half of non-vanilla dating, most of it within the past two weeks.

The guys who seem the most authentic are actually willing to spend some time getting to know me, and not just my kinks, and the date looks a lot like any other. This is a very fine line to tread, though, because some are so vanilla that I lose interest. But a few, a few few, maintain that dominance even during a vanilla conversation. I can't describe exactly how. In a way it winds up looking like lack of respect. I hope that's not actually it! But they tend not to over-consult me, they sometimes tell me to do something instead of asking, they might touch my hand during conversation or my neck as we're leaving a restaurant. I'm not sure what it is, but they leave me wanting more.

[jeanne]

My best non-vanilla dates, and the men who give off the most Dom vibe, are pretty similar to vanilla dates except in the course of our emails we've made our goals and aspirations pretty clear. A lot of guys who call themselves Doms are really just kinky, and they tend to steer the conversation to sex pretty quickly. Some guys seem like wanna-be's, and they tend to steer the conversation to "submission is a gift and I will cherish you" pretty quickly. This wisdom was aquired in the course of about a month and half of non-vanilla dating, most of it within the past two weeks.

The guys who seem the most authentic are actually willing to spend some time getting to know me, and not just my kinks, and the date looks a lot like any other. This is a very fine line to tread, though, because some are so vanilla that I lose interest. But a few, a few few, maintain that dominance even during a vanilla conversation. I can't describe exactly how. In a way it winds up looking like lack of respect. I hope that's not actually it! But they tend not to over-consult me, they sometimes tell me to do something instead of asking, they might touch my hand during conversation or my neck as we're leaving a restaurant. I'm not sure what it is, but they leave me wanting more.

This is exactly what my experience was Tuesday night on my non-vanilla date. 80% of the conversation was vanilla, 20% D/s, and the D/s part was in general terms. We exchanged our ideas of what D/s is, and our general characteristics of what we're looking for. He didn't really 'maintain that dominance', but I didn't have that expectation. I actually felt very comfortable and will be seeing him for dinner again in a couple of weeks.

On the other hand, today I have a lunch date. And our one prior interaction, as well as the phone conversations and emails since, have put us on the path to having the limits and boundaries conversation today. And I am his guest at a play-party tonight, if we agree we are a good match today. Our interaction will be vanilla, in that I don't want him to do his Domly thing until we've set up some parameters...but the conversation will be completely non-vanilla.

[leah06]

Well, I agree that submission is a gift, and as I get to know someone of course this topic comes up in conversation - BUT. When you've only met someone five minutes ago and he starts in about how submission is a gift - cross your legs and check your wallet.

[denuseri]

LMAO so funny racheal. and thanks for this thread jeanne i have missed your fun wisdom in the forums for too long boo.

I've had some good and some bad, and some that are downright funny.

Like the guy who thought toothpaste might make a good lube for anal sex (i was thinking he was into figging that his intention was gonna be to burn my lil bottom) he smeared a dolop of it back there and worked it in with a finger or two, and I guess he just couldnt resist becuase next thing I knew he went for the plunge (sans-condum or anything),, about 30 seconds later he was cussing and screaming in the bathroom, ...go figure lol

[TwistedTails]

about 30 seconds later he was cussing and screaming in the bathroom

roflmao!!

[jeanne]

Like the guy who thought toothpaste might make a good lube for anal sex (i was thinking he was into figging that his intention was gonna be to burn my lil bottom) he smeared a dolop of it back there and worked it in with a finger or two, and I guess he just couldnt resist becuase next thing I knew he went for the plunge (sans-condum or anything),, about 30 seconds later he was cussing and screaming in the bathroom, ...go figure lol

OMG!!! That is too funny!

(Bet he never did THAT again!)

[blythe spirit]

That was too funny denuseri!

[Wind_Walker25]

Damn loved it lmao

[bip0lar]

hm, i wouldn't call it a date, but i wouldn't call it playing either. We met in Greece, a friend of a friend and what-not introduced us -- i was 16 at the time, he was 24 [+/-]. We did get into a D/s conversation after several games of backgammon [haeh] and, well, i think that was my first proper whipping heh. naw, i haven't dated vanilla-let alone non-vanilla. Dating seems so complicated but i'm sure i'll get it sooner or later--at least, hopefully heh.
ah, i'll shush it now

[AdrianaAurora]

I only dated one "non-vanilla" and ended up marrying Him. God, I am so boring. Wrote a whole friggin' blog about it too (early entries are about dating time).








p.s. but I wouldn't change Him for anything.