The Responsibilities of a Dominant/Master

[Pandora's Box]

I would really like to hear what everyone thinks are the responsibilities of a dominant/master to his submissive. It's something that I think I may be confused on.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thank you.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

What are your feelings on what the responsibilities of a dominant are?

About what things do you think you may be confused?


For more information:

Castlerealm's subSpace "Some Things to Look for in a Dominant"

[Pandora's Box]

Thanks TG, but I could have pulled up that article. Already read it. Several times as a matter of fact. But real life doesn't seem to be happening according to that article.

I'd like real life responses from people on here. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked.

[Texxx]

Thanks TG, but I could have pulled up that article. Already read it. Several times as a matter of fact. But real life doesn't seem to be happening according to that article.

I'd like real life responses from people on here. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked.

Perhaps if she was not so vague with her question she would get the advice she seeks...?

Texxx
Gorean Master

[Pandora's Box]

I would have preferred to keep my ideas out of this as to not taint the answers. But I see that apparently I have not provided enough of a question to be answered.

My ideas of a dominant pretty much match those in the article.

Specifically on the list is:

• Time
• Attention
• Love
• Cares about me
• Listens to me/Hears me
• Honesty/Trust
• Ability to communicate
• Ability to guide
• Respect

What I am confused on is that I have yet to meet a dominant that is able to maintain that list over time. And no, not just the love part. The love, at least according to everything been told to me, is not the issue here.

[slavelucy]

1)Time
2)Attention
3)Love
4)Cares about me
5)Listens to me/Hears me
6)Honesty/Trust
7)Ability to communicate
8)Ability to guide
9)Respect

i think that list is fairly comprehensive...up to a point. i did however number them for a reason, because i think they are semi-sequential. That is to say that i think they key part that sets the relationship away from any other relationship is number 8; a dom has a responsibility, with trust placed in them, to guide and help the sub grow...they cannot do it however, IMHO, without the other 7, which are necessary pre-requisites. (the love one is perhaps debatable, but certainly preferable).

HTH
sl

[Texxx]

I would have preferred to keep my ideas out of this as to not taint the answers. But I see that apparently I have not provided enough of a question to be answered.

My ideas of a dominant pretty much match those in the article.

Specifically on the list is:

• Time
• Attention
• Love
• Cares about me
• Listens to me/Hears me
• Honesty/Trust
• Ability to communicate
• Ability to guide
• Respect

What I am confused on is that I have yet to meet a dominant that is able to maintain that list over time. And no, not just the love part. The love, at least according to everything been told to me, is not the issue here.

The girl seeks that witch does not exist read all the articles you wish. Search the world over and you'll not find a M/man that fits the above all day every day...W/we are Human. I wager the girl is not all the above all day every day yet she looks for one that is.....come on hun....think about that.

What you need to do....is work hard to find one that truly tries....then do what YOU can to keep it that way. Realize that O/our lifestyle is intense and very demanding allow for breaks in that intensity. If not for yourself ....for the Pleasure of your Master.

This couples up with the post you made the other day ..." How much time does a Master give His girl" rrr somp'n like that.

If you wear His Ko-lar.....that in and of it's self states to A/all that you have His

• Time
• Attention
• Love
• Cares about me
• Listens to me/Hears me
• Honesty/Trust
• Ability to communicate
• Ability to guide
• Respect

.....from time to time "space" is also requirement.

Ooooooooo and please do not forget that all the above is NOT a one way street. Part of your submission is to allow Him some flaws.....allow Him to hit a bump in the road....allow Him His Humanity. Do you not ask the same of Him..?

Maybe I'm crazzy....yah think..?

Texxx
Gorean Master

[spike]

I wasn't going to copy the list out again and waste everybody's space, but my post ended up on the next page!

• Time
• Attention
• Love
• Cares about me
• Listens to me/Hears me
• Honesty/Trust
• Ability to communicate
• Ability to guide
• Respect

Of the nine items there the only one that is not an essential part of the contribution of both sides to any close relationship is '8. Ability to guide'. The difference from vanilla being pointed out by just about all those posting to this thread, even Texxx in his way, is that one side is taking responsibility for guidance of the other.

It is a huge responsibility amounting to being parent as well as lover. To give that much care requires a special concentration of effort, just as responding to it does.

But it seems to me that Pandora feels she is being short-changed in other categories as well. Perhaps she and her Master should discuss their relationship as a whole as much as the D/s part.

Spike

[jaeangel]

• Time
• Attention
• Love
• Cares about me
• Listens to me/Hears me
• Honesty/Trust
• Ability to communicate
• Ability to guide
• Respect

This doesn't apply only to you, dear, this applies to everyone who has a 'significant other'. Let's look at those one at a time.
Time: A dominant has to make some time out, not only to play with their sub, but also to listen to the sub. Always a biggie. Hubby works, I don't, and i feel like he never has time for me. When he gets home, he eats dinner, and then i do dishes and go to bed. In the morning he messes around with his hobby until it's time to go to work, then gets up, dresses, and goes. Sometimes with the prelude of a quick suck-n-fuck (excuse my crudity, but it doesn't usually take more than a half hour) but involves very little loveplay on me, so I get left feeling dissatisfied. However, he usually makes up for it on his days off.
Attention: If a sub is neglected, they get irritable and discontented, and that's not a good thing to have happen in any relationship. Same thing happens to a wife (i.e., me.) Doms have a responsibility to spend time with their subs, not necessarily 'in' a scene. Just time out, as people, as equals, not as a top or bottom.
Love/Care: A must in any relationship: if there's no trust or care, it's not a relationship, and not worth keeping.
Listens: A person can hear withoout listening. In one ear and out the other, as the saying goes. The Dom needs to listen to the sub, but the sub also needs to listen to the dom.
Honesty: Both sides need to be honest with each other. Being honest will engender trust.
Trust. Both sides need to trust each other.
Communicate: Men aren't really good at sharing their feelings. Not because thy don't want to, though that is true sometimes...but because they can't. Their brains actually don't have the same wiring that women have, the same number of neural pathways from the emotion center of the brain to the speech center of the brain. (At least that's what I saw on Discovery channel one night.) They have fewer neural commections between the above mentioned brain parts. But if they feel very intensely about something, they will talk.
Guide: This is kind of a hazy notion here. One assumes that you know where you're going, know what you're doing, and don't need guidance unless you'te blindfolded and Master is leading you around an unfamiliar room. If, however, you need emotional guidance after a personal tragedy, emotional turmoil, whatever, Master should be there to help. Maybe not as often as the sub would like the dom to be, but still needs to be there nonetheless.
Respect: Dom needs to respect sub, in all forms and facets. Sub, however, also needs to respect Dom's needs, to understnd that while sub wants to be with Dom all the time, it may not alway be possible, or desirable in the long term.
The trick with all this, as with a marriage or a vanilla relationship, is to find out what the other is comfortable with, find out what you are comfrotable with, and then find a compromise that straddles the line. The next time you talk to your Dom, Sit down with him. Explain what you're feeling, what you think, tell him what parts of your life with him you're currently not happy with.Ask him if there is anything the Dom isn' happy about with the current status quo. Then find a compromise. If you can't reach a compromise, it may be time, as mich as you may like/love/care about the Dom, to look for another one. Some people need more emotional/physical contact, some people need a lot less. If you're 'more', and he's 'less', what you want and what he's comfortable with may not be compatible.
And in the end, ask yourself, 'Do I love him enough to make a formerly important point not so important anymore?' Before I met my husband, my number one criteria for a mate was that he make enough money to give me 'stuff', and that he be tall and moderately good looking. Then I met my hubby (who makes $18,000 a year as a department store detective, and has a large 'port-wine' birthmark under his left eye) and once I got acquainted with his personality, the money and the looks issue became a non-issue for me. It didn't really matter anymore, because I love him, and I know he loves me, and while some weeks (like this one) we have to borrow to make our rent, we still love each other to face those obstacles together.
It's not a complete answer, nor an expert one, but I hope it helps.

[Texxx]

I would really like to hear what everyone thinks are the responsibilities of a dominant/master to his submissive. It's something that I think I may be confused on.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thank you.

In fact .... this is easy .. .typing for hours ... will not change things.
I am Gorean so mind set may differ from that BDSM Master.

But when I take a girl I take on all that she has been and that she can be.

Her submission is My responsibility ... My responsibility is her freedom .... her freedom is to serve My pleasure....My pleasure is her responsibility.

I hope that makes sense to someone other than Myself.

Texxx
Gorean Master
"We all dance 'round and suppose, the secret sits and knows."

[mythicat]

I am Gorean so mind set may differ from that BDSM Master.

It does. Fortunately so does the mindset of the average Gorean kajira. I think that's the basis of where the conversation went awry earlier. As for what I think the responsibilities of a Dominant are...I think that should be decided by the people involved in the relationship and reassessed as regularly as needed.

Yes, that should be vague enough!

[Texxx]

It does. Fortunately so does the mindset of the average Gorean kajira. I think that's the basis of where the conversation went awry earlier. As for what I think the responsibilities of a Dominant are...I think that should be decided by the people involved in the relationship and reassessed as regularly as needed.

Yes, that should be vague enough!

So very true ....... but I was honestly trying to help the girl......I will admit that that I left the door open for her to strike out...shame on Me.

Thing is.....I have seen so many well educated, attractive, intelligent girls bounce about in our BDSM lifestyle preaching their cosmo crap.....that I find it hard to be nice....but I do try,...cause I have seen some truly make the leap .... into BDSM and become something a Master can take a great deal of pride in.

I truly hope she can be one....but she has miles to go.

You are totally correct....such matters can only be resolved between the Master and His sub......coming here to arm herself with reason's not to listen will not....create an environment of equal footing.....But that's just Me I guess.



Texxx
Gorean Master

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... but it didn't seem to work all that well. Well, now I'm not going to be very nice and I'm going to say what I feel about the (off topic) subject matter currently being smeared about like cow manure in this thread.

First off, this is not a Gor group or chat. For the most part, we are non-denominational BDSMers around here and will pretty much let anyone in as long as they obey the rules and don't become condescending, self-absorbed braggarts. However, what we ask here is that peoples' views are respected. If the people here cannot offer advice politely, have good discussions (or even polite heated debates), and cannot act in a mature, responsible and realistic fashion, then I'll be all too happy to show those people the way out of here.

Secondly, the starter of this thread, PandorasBox, is not a Gorean, nor has she ever claimed to even remotely have any interest in the Gorean "lifestyle." So, if the advice given to her cannot be applied in a polite manner, first, and in a real-world context, second, then it doesn't need to be given at all. And it especially doesn't need to be given with healthy doses of condescension, vanity, arrogance and outright rudeness. In case it was missed by the offenders participating in this thread, these forums do have a Code of Conduct (in other words, a list of easy-to-follow rules). That Code of Conduct protects against unwarranted harassment of one member by another. Essentially, acting immaturely and rudely is reason to be removed from these forums.

Thirdly, many of us here have relationships, whether online or offline. For some of the people here, the contents of this thread might have offered some good advice and answers to questions they might feel about their relationships, but are afraid to ask. However, when some people here see an obnoxious individual belittling and degrading the starter of this potentially informative thread, then some of those people become less inclined to post to this thread and ask their own questions and seek their own advice. When things like that happen, I get a little cranky, because I firmly believe that everyone should have the right to post here and not be harassed or belittled for their questions and opinions; at least, not if they have stated them intelligently and maturely. And anyone that doesn't like or respect that policy can leave now and I won't miss them a bit.

Finally, and I want to be very clear about this: I don't give a damn how much time or experience any person here has in their chosen lifestyle, that still does not give anyone the right to impose a holier-than-thou attitude on the others here. I don't give a damn if someone's been in a real life relationship for 30 years or in an online one for 30 minutes. Everyone here has the right to ask their questions, have them answered politely and not have their lives belittled for what someone else might think is silly nonsense. Just because someone has experience at something doesn't mean they're good at it. I can watch people build rockets for 20 years, but that doesn't make me a rocket scientist. So, what's good for one person isn't necessarily right for another. If anyone has a problem with that, leave. I'm not kidding. Pick up your shit and get out.

Now, on a personal note, I'm going to say this: Gor was a great bit of fiction that spanned the better part of a quarter century, but that's what they were: Fiction. In my opinion, Goreans don't even belong under the same big "umbrella" as people that practice BDSM, because most of the Goreans I know don't understand some of the most basic concepts of BDSM. And if anyone wants to debate the finer points of Gor vs. BDSM with me, then open a new thread on that subject and be polite.

[Pandora's Box]

I don't think anyone is going to mind if I breeze by the off topic discussion and go right back to the actual discussion.

(eb)
And of course there has to be enough time to share and communicate in order to create the type of mutual understanding and trust necessary for gifts of dominance from one partner and submission from the other.

E B, I want to thank you for saying that. It's been hard for me to crystalize that thought in my mind. But this is exactly it. If I'm going to put myself into his hands and my future by his side... I need his time. His time will reassure me.

And it's his time I don't have.

I wish he said all the wrong things instead of all the right ones. I wish it wasn't shear magic when we are together. If it weren't for those... it would be much easier to "cut bait and fish on"... well at least with some healing time in between.

But that's the thing... I want this to work. I don't want to come at him. I want to come to him. With him. But... after so many attempts at trying to talk to him and get my point across... it's now at the point where I need him to come to me. To reassure me.

The really really hard thing about this... is I have a feeling it has become a battle of wills. And that's not at all what this is about. I just need him to come to me so I can have faith in him and how he feels about "us".

Because... if he can't do that... then the pattern is set and it would always be me making the compromise. And that's not how it works. It has to be both of us, Master or not.

Perhaps I'm rambling at this point... but it does feel good to get some of this out.

[e.b.]

Pandora,

First, having read a number of your posts, I believe that you already have a good understanding of the qualities a good dom should possess. Of course TG's comments were eloquent and on target as usual and I hope they helped to affirm your thoughts (even if you did have to nudge to get him to write instead of just supplying a web reference).

I wanted to give my input on this issue though because my dom and I are having similar issues. For me, what it boils down to is not necessarily time per se but rather that he understands my needs and shows that he cares enough so that I feel comfortable giving him my trust, respect, and submission. It sounds like you are having similar questions as far as whether or not he is worthy of your trust at this point. After all, it's difficult for an intelligent, independent person to submit to another if she is unsure whether or not he is able to accurately judge when to push limits and when to offer gentler forms of support. And of course there has to be enough time to share and communicate in order to create the type of mutual understanding and trust necessary for gifts of dominance from one partner and submission from the other. Okay, I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop but please know you're not alone on this issue so hang in there, Dear.

Also, this thread did serve to remind me that things can always be worse...at least neither of us is in a relationship with a "gorean master"!

eb

[Texxx]

First of all the Mobius all purpus disclamer.
<--------What I am about to say is meant for the humor and not to demean or insult----------------->

(So now that I said that I am free and clear of any possible violations of the COC. Na na na Na Na na

This seams to be very Springeresk. I swear I have seen this one before.

I think it is the one were The Hottie (pandora's box) Living in the trailor park hooks up with the dirty old man down the block in the dubble wide.

Then She shows up on the springer show to tell her Master that she is through, You dont give my any time. You always working. He says I have to couse you spending all my money. She says well I'm through. And he says no you aint She says Yes I am and I found a new master, Rufus. He says Rufus that old geasor. She says and here he is.

And out walks an 80 year old geasor. He locks lips with Pandora. Then the Master Breaks them up and chases after the Geasor and the geasor ends up losing his teath.

After allot of aurguing the master ends up proposing to Pandora and she ends up dumping rufus. Who ends up chasing after Todd.

<--------What I am about to say is meant for the humor and not to demean or insult----------------->*wily Tuchuk smile*


Well it seams the the young sexy Pardoora went to see old geasor feeling that she was not kind to him afterall.....after hearing some odd sounds outside the door she walks into the home and finds old geasor drilling for oil in Todd's butt.....After the shock of things dies down .... This new feeling runs thru her body....she move to them slowly. sexualy....Her eye now feasting on the sight.....Her painties now soaking....she kneels....to get a much better look....her mouth now wide open....as her tounge slips over her lips.........

When before she can stop herself......she is sucking the peanut butter off old geasor's limp but still jerking cock. She moans with lust never known before as the brownish tint of the old geasor's cock turns pink...once cleaned by her lustful lips ........

She decides to leave Master ... for the the old geasor this time for good ( well maybe)....Todd's not half bad either now that H/he got his implants...SEEEEE-cup. nice and full. One would never know it but Pandoora seams to love to eat shit and jump from Master to Master sighting all kinds of shitty, off-color, self-centered, rationalizations....go-figure


Texxx
Gorean Master
"We all dance 'round and suppose while the Secret sits and knows."

[Texxx]

I would really like to hear what everyone thinks are the responsibilities of a dominant/master to his submissive. It's something that I think I may be confused on.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thank you.

But I'll be wrong every time you need help.....If indeed ...you get the help from SOMEONE as the result of My being WRONG. *S* I do not have to be "RIGHT", to feel "GOOD".

I would be more than happy to share with you how W/we got thru much the same times and you and your Master/Dom/BF/Lover are now going thru.

I'll be up front and tell yah that I do think that you neeed more time...much more time in fact.

That having been said ...... There was a time ( 5 years give or take) when My girl and I first got together where I was working QUITE OFTEN as many as 20 hours a day. I would come home supper was on the table. Once showered, I would eat....and go to bed. Wake up...and do it again. I frankly never gave it much though about my girl, (IN THAT REGUARD) honestly .... I HAD to do what I was driven to do.....Make a comfortable home for the girl I was responsible for and I might add totally in love with.....Did I actually think that thought.....nope.....It was just Me to do so.

How did she deal with it ....just like I did....You see, we both knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel and if in fact if there wasn't we would build a fire there when we got there ....We totally believed in that light. We did not believe that what we had was a 50/50 thing....it's 100% both ways. There was no turning back...that door was CLOSED.

Now I'll say that even with My schedule I found more time for her than you are now getting.....You are being abused, nothing short. In fact if I were in your shoes and if you are being totally honest ..... I would be certain that He was a clever Married guy.... and I was the "piece" on the side.

I agree that you should in no un-certain terms "LAY THE LAW DOWN". There is nothing in this old world that is more important than YOU. Without your self esteem and pride you are Nothing. Do not allow him to rob you of this all important person.

This world is full of people that do not wish to give 100% to a relationship and that is fine.....I have no problem with that ....none......But I ask them to go buy a blow up doll ....or get a bigger dildo...do whatever it takes to keep from hurting people that are willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES ....to make the relationship work for both P/people.

Even in Gor.....the best Master's listen to their girls. Wanna piss a True Gorean Master off ..... just tell Him you, "had a feeling that was going to happen ... but i did not speak up."

Texxx
Gorean Master
" To increase the depth of a river you dame it up ..... To increase your depth of understanding ..... you let it flow." Hook Tooth Louie

[Pandora's Box]

Texxx, I appreciate your input into the situation.

The thought of him being married has crossed my mind in the past. But... I've been misled by married men before and learned their signs. The only sign he shares in common is the time factor. Heh, although oddly enough the married men that have misled me in the past have actually had more time for me than he has lately. But... then the mistress does tend to get that, as it is an "escape" for him.

I honestly don't think he is married. I've talked to his sisters and work associates. I can't imagine that his sisters would be a party to that type of deception. Plus I've never met a married man that discussed his desire to start a family with me.

I think most of the difficulties come down to the realities of an on-line relationship. We are currently discussing the "meeting". We're trying to plan for the end of next month. His birthday. That would be a nice present for him. (And for me. )

We had a nice productive talk today. About compromise and the importance of coming together and the absolute necessity of him spending more time with me. My feelings of neglect will not go away until that happens. And he knows this now.

I told him I was willing to put more effort into being patient and understanding of his hellacious work schedule if he would put more successful effort into making time for us. That's a start.

One of the things that stuck out to me the most that you said, was about each person giving 100%. Knowing that there was no going back. I thank you for that. As I think that's an important point of discussion that I hadn't thought of. One that needs to be discussed. I do know that I will have to give what you said in that regard more thought before I discuss it with him. I would like to have an organized thought process before I bring it up.

Again, thank you.

[Mobius]

You know your giving him the hand in the relationship. He should be chasing after you. But by falling for his game you are chasing after him.

For what ever it is worth. I think you should walk away and he will come when he is ready. Then you have the hand. As it should be. BDSM or no BDSM,

Men should chase women not the other way around. Not natural.

[mythicat]

Men should chase women not the other way around. Not natural.

Hear Hear!!

But at the same time, keep in mind that some guys don't (or won't) take the bait. If you choose to walk away, you have to be prepared to keep walking should he not come rushing to stop you.

[AndrewBlack]

I couldn't disagree more, and I feel very strongly about this.

Don't play games with your partner. They may not turn out the way you want and may add additional complications to an already difficult situation. An up front approach will benefit you most in the long term.