Is it possible to break down those walls with her?

[Stevie1211]

My wife tried to bring the D/s life style to us about 12 years ago. I made the mistake of calling it 'weird'. That was the best word I could come up with at the time. The introduction of D/s was very uncomfortable to me. I have a preference for bondage sex that D/s. I know she likes D/s. I have seen her on this site and others. But since that unfortunate day, she has refused to talk about it much to me. She says that I am not a dominant, which I agree. That is just not my personality.

Well it is 12 years later and I have discovered her in a relationship with a master again. Is it possible that my wife will ever try and let me be the Dominant she needs or am I doomed for her to do this again? I really want our marriage to work. I have great kids but as a husband I need to feel secure.

Any advice would be great.

[Austerus]

You might have some luck reading the information over at the Taken In Hand site http://www.takeninhand.com/

Not sure if it would be your cup of tea, but it does have a lot of articles from a "less weird" perspective than a lot of bdsm sites, and has a lot of advice for people like you who want to make a change in their relationship but don't feel naturally dominant. I think it might be a good place for you to start

[Dog's Lady]

Just an idea-if she won't talk, why don't you just do? Get the kids out of the house for a night, set up a scene for her, something you can be comfortable with (check with our Doms for some tips, like writing yourself a script/list of ideas to keep yourself on track) and go for it. Make sure she has a safe word, so she can stop things--using "red" for full stop and "yellow" for slow down/not this might be really helpful since you two haven't done this together before--and see how it goes. If you are really open minded, try talking to her Dom. Maybe he would be willing to share her, or at least some tips about her. And does he even know she is married and doing this with him without your okay? A lot of the Doms here would be really uncomfortable with that idea.
I know, a lot of info in a short space, but I hope some of it helps.

[Stevie1211]

Thank you both for the replies. I have tried twice last month to setup scenes and she has backed out. She was not comfortable and there is no reason to push something through if both parties are not comfortable.

Yet I see the pattern repeating itself. This is the second time I have discovered she sought out a Dom to meet her needs in D/s. We are back in counseling to save the marriage. But she is repressing her desires again about D/s in order to save the marriage. She did this the first time I discovered another. I appreciate that, yet in a few years those desires will return again and she will talk to someone else other than me.

Dog's Lady, I have considered sharing her with a DOM. That is easier said than done, I'm sure. I also doubt she would let me contact him. To me it is like she will share her D/s desires with others but not her husband. I causes me great frustration and I am at my wits end.

I have told her that we will talk about D/s once a month. Yet at sometime in the next year if we do not start sharing this in our lives, I will have to end our marriage. I do not know what I can do to rebuild her trust in this matter.

Thanks I like the 'takeninhand' website.

[denuseri]

Good luck.

It's always sad to see when a vanilla couple has problems because one partner goes off seeking bdsm outside of the relationship, especially when children are involved.

Sometimes it's indicative of a whole different set of issues (grass always greener kind of thing, 7 year itch etc) and sometimes the person started the relationship with a vanilla partner while taking a break from the bdsm lifestyle and then gets drawn back in.

Most people I know in the lifestyle in real life are very uncomfortable with the idea of cheating (which can vary from doing anything with someone outside the marriage or relationship to actual sexual contact) as it implies there are partners who do not "consent" to the arrangamnt what ever it may be cybersex only or otherwise becuase it goes against the basic tenets of safe, sane and "consensual".

The more honorable of these acquaintances would have already let her go or revoked contact with her once they found out she was married and you didn't approve.

It may be embarrassing but if you are already in consoling with her...bring these issues up with the therapist. A kink friendly therapist can be found if necessary a lot easier than one may at first think.

[Dog's Lady]

I have to admit here that my lover/Master is not my husband, and it did START behind his back. But as soon as I got back in state, at home, I talked with husband and got consent. He isn't thrilled, but saw that being with Dog was helping me out of the depression that has been really pulling me down the past several years, so he agreed. If he hadn't, Dog and I probably would not have had anything beyond the few weeks I was out of state helping my heart-sister. It does kind of parallel our problem, but I am on the other side of it. Of course, there is a lot more to my story-isn't there always, but I don't really need to put it all up here-let's just say that hubby and I were having troubles before Dog and I got started, which may have been one of the reasons we did.
I wish I could help more. The only thing I can think of to suggest is to try and get her onto the forums. Maybe if she reads your posts, and sees that you really don't think she is weird, or that her desires are weird, she might be more open to trying BDSM with you. But maybe not. My hubby actually had more BDSM experience than I did, but I just can't find my sub for him. I don't know why I can, and want to, submit to Dog so completely, but can't let go that way with hubby. If I figure it out, I will let you know, in case it helps you with your situation.
Good luck to you.

[Stevie1211]

Thank you Dog's Lady. I believe my wife will most likely never give herself to me like others. It will take a long time before she will respect me. And she may never. Last nights marriage counseling did not go well from my prespective. In that all the things I ever did wrong were rehashed.

What lengthy marriage does not have where you don't screw up. You just have to forgive in life.

Thanks I have ranted too long

[ksst]

Our one attempt at marriage counseling (years ago) went about the same as yours. I felt the therapist was just telling me to be different, that I was wrong, and blamed me for everything. It sucked.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Is it possible that my wife will ever try and let me be the Dominant she needs or am I doomed for her to do this again?

I find it a little ironic that you wonder if your wife will "let" you be the dominant she needs. The problems with your marriage aren't bondage and D/s but rather trust and communication. She probably doesn't believe you want to talk about BDSM or try anything because of your own interest in it but as a last ditch effort to keep her. I have my own issues with trust and communication. Master has declared that there shall be no secrets between us. He's been hacking through the thorns for the past year, and though he may get to the other side scratched and bloody, get there he will. Persistence pays off. If you want her to talk to you, you have to be someone she can trust not to "freak out." I'd suggest dropping the kids off at Grandma's for a weekend getaway to reconnect.