Submissives Taking the Initiative

[Finding_Fantasy]

So, TG and I were having a discussion and we could not come to a clear answer and thought that perhaps the wise and wonderful people of the BDSN Library forums might be able to help us.

Do you (meaning the submissives) or your submissive(s) (referring to the Dominant among us) take the initiative regarding scenes? Does the submissive come to you and say "I would like a whipping, please." or "Please, Master, tie me up?" or is that something that the Dominant should be responsible for saying when and where the scenes happen.

Any input and/or advice/personal experiences and preferences are appreciated. And, if you like, explain why you voted the way that you did - or just vote - both would be helpful.

:feedback:

[wannabeXopsed]

take the initiative, if I had a r/l partner. I would like to think when it does happen and of course by me having control of who I choose for my partner that he would want me to an active submissive to help participate with all the rules of submission, like properly asking, and getting permission, and be an adversary to our relationship. Taking the responability (initiative) as the sub, because the Dom doesn't have a crystal ball and can't read my mind.

Now the Dom may of course may not like my timing and have to tell me that it is going to have to wait till later, but I would not be out of line for just asking if that is what I had my mind on.

I would hope my Dom would consider when I am to be at his beck and call, that if it wasn't approiate timing for me, I would be given some kind of heads up as that I would need to be prepared.

But all in all I think I would have a Dom that would want me to be verbose about my needs.

T

[Garnet99]

My Master and I live together, but do not engage in BDSM 24/7. We often cannot even email everyday from work. There are times He will tell me in the morning, or night before, what He wants me to be wearing when He gets home. I know that means we will scene. But there have been times I "dress for the occasion" without being told - wanting to surprise and please him. Sometimes we scene - and sometimes we don't. But He always appreciates me trying. If He's not up for it, then I just stay dressed because He likes the way I look and we just cuddle in front of the TV after dinner. It's still fun and exciting.

[slavelucy]

Good question.

i voted no because i can't ever imagine myself initiating a scene in an obvious sense. i'm not sure if this is because of past experiences of both BDSM and vanilla in that i hate the idea of being rejected, and i suspect this is something which may change over time, but right now, no, i wouldn't initiate it.

Having said that, i'm not sure one has to initiate it in an official capacity to be actually initiating it...i may well , sort of, imply that i'm up for it or give him a look or something (does that make any sense?).

i know some dominants very much like their subs to be involved with what takes place, but i still think a sub forcefully initiating a scene seems a little odd. i think there are other ways to contribute to what takes place. i think discussion after a scene is always a good idea in that regard as is ongoing casual chats about fantasies etc..you can gauge a great deal about a person from what they will say in a relaxed setting when they least think you're listening.

sl

[cagedsgt]

While this is something that needs to be worked out for each relationship, i hope i pay enough attention to my sub that she doesn't have to beg for attention in this manner.

cagedsgt

[Ruby]

Master T, my hubby, and I don't have a 24/7 BDSM relationship.
We're best friends, lovers, parents, etc. and play Master and Pet/Sub as often as we can. We have very different work hours. So scheduling and timing are important.

Sometimes, I just have to say - "I want you, tonight" and that's enough to rev his engine and get me in trouble if I leave him walking out the door with a woody.
(Naughty me.)
Othertimes, he responds with, "How do you want to play?"
That's so tough for me, cause we are so busy trying to please each other, that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell him what he wants to hear or what I really want.
(I'm not one for mind games. Just tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you, but make me guess what you want and I get very, very cranky.)
I've learned to answer with what I want and let him make the decision as to whether or not I receive it.

Short answer: It works best for us to let each other know what we want and to set expectations ahead of time.

That's not to say we don't enjoy immediate gratification or surprising each other, but we have to be very careful of "teenager-interuptus".

[Garnet99]

Ruby, I know it's showing my age, but I sure remember those interruptions!!! Your name for it is wonderful!

[Donatien]

[QUOTE=slavelucy]Good question.

i voted no because i can't ever imagine myself initiating a scene in an obvious sense. i'm not sure if this is because of past experiences of both BDSM and vanilla in that i hate the idea of being rejected, and i suspect this is something which may change over time, but right now, no, i wouldn't initiate it.........
Having said that, i'm not sure one has to initiate it in an official capacity to be actually initiating it...i may well , sort of, imply that i'm up for it or give him a look or something (does that make any sense?). QUOTE

Lucy, you yourself have in a previous post, perhaps unintentionally, already invented the perfect word for a sub in this situation. When you are up for it and give him a look , you are being " inciteful", ( to incite= to move to action , to stir up ).

[slavelucy]

Lucy, you yourself have in a previous post, perhaps unintentionally, already invented the perfect word for a sub in this situation. When you are up for it and give him a look , you are being " inciteful", ( to incite= to move to action , to stir up ).

*blushes softly, but grins slightly wickedly*

Mmmmmm, good point, DONATIEN, i knew my odd spelling would pay off eventually! LOL! Just as long as i don't incite him to riot....hmm, then again...

sl

[erotic_nibbles]

My Master and I live together, but do not engage in BDSM 24/7. We often cannot even email everyday from work. There are times He will tell me in the morning, or night before, what He wants me to be wearing when He gets home. I know that means we will scene. But there have been times I "dress for the occasion" without being told - wanting to surprise and please him. Sometimes we scene - and sometimes we don't. But He always appreciates me trying. If He's not up for it, then I just stay dressed because He likes the way I look and we just cuddle in front of the TV after dinner. It's still fun and exciting.

I love that answer Garnet .....what a great way to handle things

Sometimes, I just have to say - "I want you, tonight" and that's enough to rev his engine and get me in trouble if I leave him walking out the door with a woody.
(Naughty me.)
Othertimes, he responds with, "How do you want to play?"
That's so tough for me, cause we are so busy trying to please each other, that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell him what he wants to hear or what I really want.
(I'm not one for mind games. Just tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you, but make me guess what you want and I get very, very cranky.)
I've learned to answer with what I want and let him make the decision as to whether or not I receive it.

I like your style Ruby!....Woohoo

A real life Dom I have known online for years gave me the best answer to this sort of thing....ok, best in my view .....he said he and his sub worked it out like this:

--He comes home from work in the mood to scene....he gets her collar and offers it to her wordlessly....if she kneels then that is the sign that it is a good idea with her too and he collars her and the night begins....if she smiles and gives him a soft kiss on the lips and starts asking him about his day, then he knows it's not a good night for her and puts the collar away...no hard feelings (pardon the pun)

--He comes home from work and sees she has put her collar on herself....this is the wordless signal that she is in a submissive mood....if he accepts he tells her to kneel and the evening is on....if he declines he simply goes to her and gives her a soft kiss on the lips and starts discussing their respective days....she then can remove the collar and put it away...again, no hard feelings

In that way, they have a system of communication set up for the evening that relieves the guess work....also if either declines, then after dinner they will sit down and discuss why the offer was declined to help head off possible resentments....often they both have good reasons to decline and when explained it also brings them more up to date on their daily lives

Another Dom had it worked out similar but easier.....If he wanted to scene he would walk in and say something like, "Hello slave"....if she responded with "Welcome home, Master", he knew the BDSM evening was on.....if she responds by using his first name...like, "John what sort of dressing do you want on your salad tonight?" then he knows it's not a good night.....Also, if he comes home and she says, "Welcome home, Master" he could then either say, "Thank you, slave" and the evening is a go, or use her first name instead of calling her slave and......you get the idea I'm sure...lol

~~nibbles~~

[Master13]

I don't think that I would have a problem with my theoretical future sub girlfriend taking the initiative. I wouldn't consider it dominating from the bottem, because until someone takes the initiative and the other excepcts there is no top or bottem. Plus having someone ask me to "have my way with her" would be a big turn-on.

[subbiesarah]

my Master would take great offence if i tried to initiate a scene. We don't live together so when He comes over i will get a detailed email about how i'm to be dressed/presented - this must be followed to the letter. OK, i did ask him to fist me last weekend after a particularly horny scene but this was for His pleasure as much as mine (he requires me to orgasm as hard and often as possible).