To Let Go or Not??

[learningtopleez]

First I would like to thank you TG for suggesting this idea! A few people here know my story, some know just bits and pieces. So..to get the answers that I need I will tell all now Did I say all??? Okay all joking aside...I met my Dom almost a year ago online. We met on another site that was not BDSM related. In my introduction , however, I had written some things that made him realize that I might be submissive, although I had no clue that I had submissive tendencies. We e-mailed on the site at first, then moved up to messenger and mostly did a lot of flirting. (Btw, I was married then and still am, and he was aware of this! I do plan on leaving my husband, but not for him. I will leave him because I no longer love him as a wife should love a husband IMHO) One night on messenger he asked if I wanted to be his "little love slave"! I immediately answered yes without knowing the first thing about being a slave or sub. (Yea I know, stupidity and naivety will get you screwed in more ways than one!!) He asked me if I had ever had a Dom before, and I was honest. He told me he would teach me all I needed to know. The problem was he never taught me much of anything. I never got a checklist, although he did ask about certain things I would or would not do. One of my hang-ups was anal, as I hadn't done it often and only enjoyed it once or twice. More on that later. Eventually we moved up to phone conversations, and may I just add that this man has a voice that will make you sooooo hot! And I was hot each and every time we spoke. Finally I was instructed to send him fantasies by e-mail every week. They had to be my fantasies and not what I thought he would want to hear. I did okay at first, according to him. Then I was asked to visit him! OMG, I have never been so nervous before in my life! I had someone to call me after I got there to make sure I was okay and all, but it was still stupid of me. Yet he was so kind, so sweet, yet stern when teaching me how to respond or something. And he had the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen, and such a sexy smile. Our first scene or session or playtime...whatever it's called was him forcing me to have multiple orgasms! I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven! The sex was great too! It was quite an experience! He wanted me to come back soon and I wanted to. But there were times he would have to cancel due to work or I would cancel due to a kid's dentist appointment or something. I have always found it very difficult to think when I'm around him or even talk to him. I forget appointments, work, home, everything! He has such power over me it seems and it is quite scary at times. Well eventually as months passed he started to critisize my fantasies, saying he wouldn't do that or be into it. This hurt as they were supposed to be my fantasies. So I soon quit writing them saying I didn't have the time. Maybe that's when it all started to go downhill. If I didn't have time to do something he wanted then why should he make time for me? Oh and I did tell him how he had hurt me by saying those things, but he said he was just commenting on them. So, now we rarely talk on the phone or messenger. An occasional e-mail I might get if he is sick or if work is canceling plans we have made. I send him an occasional IM on messenger and that's it....until right before Christmas. I had decided that this was not going anywhere and that I possibly felt more for him than I wanted to. I also felt those feelings would never be returned. So I wrote a "Dear Dom" letter. I also told him I had talked with people here who felt that it was probably hard for me to let go being he is my first r/l Dom. Huge mistake! He immediately sent me a text message saying we needed to talk, but when I tried to call.... no answer. So I did nothing and eventually about three weeks ago he let me know how angry he was for coming to this site. He feels that people come here to meet others to play with only. I explained that I come here to learn mostly, but have made some good friends! And I have! He said I shouldn't tell people his business or mine. It should only be between he and I. I had not heard from him for two weeks until today...well yesterday now! After posting a response to TG's "Who Really Has the Power in A D/s Relationship", I got ready for work and after leaving home, cut on my cell phone. Lo and behold I had a text message AND a voice from him! He wanted me to call him when I got his message. And yes, I did dammit! He wants to see me this week, and I told him I would go. He has always said if he doesn't want to see me anymore he would tell me. Maybe that is what he plans to do or maybe he just wants to go on like nothing is different. So gang....what the hell do you think??? Do I keep hanging on to this and take what he chooses to give me? Or do I somehow grow very strong and let go? I simply don't know the answer anymore. I know how I feel when I am with him and it is very good! I also know how I feel when I go for so long and hear nothing...it hurts! So to get the good I must endure the hurt??? Doesn't sound right to me or healthy, but what the heck do I know??

All comments and suggestions are eagerly encouraged and welcome! Please :help:
Ltp

I know this is confusing and long...but that would be my life!! Also as to the more on anal...we tried, he's huge and it hurt like hell and he did stop when I asked. Oh yea...nothing about a safe word has ever come up in this "relationship". He told me in the beginning that he had only been with two other subs before. So maybe he needs to come here and learn??? Jost wondering.....

Prolly to be continued more later....lol!

[AndrewBlack]

ltp, he dosen't sound very caring or considerate to me. I don't understand why he wouldn't contact you. I know he's given you potent sexual experiences but if he's not respecting you it's not so good. Considering that there are buckets of Dominants/Men out there, I'm sure you can do better.

[craftygirl]

ltp, he dosen't sound very caring or considerate to me. I don't understand why he wouldn't contact you. I know he's given you potent sexual experiences but if he's not respecting you it's not so good. Considering that there are buckets of Dominants/Men out there, I'm sure you can do better.

*points up*

What he said. Just reinforcing.

[Finding_Fantasy]

LTP,

In my experience, a D/s relationship is balanced only when all parties involved are happy and getting what they need. Your fantasies are very valid and should be heeded, even if he is "not particularly interested" and to insult them is very callous of him.

I can only relate from personal experience as there are things that TG likes that I don't particularly care for (intrest wise) but since I do not find them revolting, I am willing to do them. As you said, anal is not enjoyable for you. I can sympathize. It isn't my favorite either and ever since having my daughter, I have not been able to do it without a large amount of...discomfort, but I am willing to try and 'fix' that problem. And TG is willing to do things that aren't particularly stimulating for him, like giving me writing and reading assignments. If I had a fantasy, I am sure that he would go out of his way to give it to me (within reason of course).

One thing you did say kind of hit wrong with me that makes me perhaps fear for your safety. It was when you said:

"So I did nothing and eventually about three weeks ago he let me know how angry he was for coming to this site. He feels that people come here to meet others to play with only. I explained that I come here to learn mostly, but have made some good friends! And I have! He said I shouldn't tell people his business or mine. It should only be between he and I.

This, to me sounds dangerous as in he is overly possessive and he is trying to dictate who you can speak to and share your personal life with. It is your life and you should be able to share it with whom ever you choose. You are a human being and not an object. And, being human, you have the right to share and communicate with others. What I fear for you is that he may have the feeling or idea that he must possess you completely and if he feels that you may leave him, the "If I can't have her, no one will" attitude will show up.

Maybe I am being paranoid, but I would rather be paranoid than dead. I would suggest that when you meet, do so in a very public place. If anything feels off with him, if his demeanor has changed, leave.

My ultimate advice is to break off any sort of relations with him. I don't mean to be alarming nor am I trying to instill fear in you, but I have a bad vibe about this.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... and make a few realizations.

First off, of course the sex is great. It's sex with another man, who you have not been married to for X amount of time. It's also "forbidden" sex, so that just makes it all the better. Plus, it's sex with someone you don't know very well, giving it that mystery man element. So, of course it's going to be good... for awhile. Then the mystery wears off and suddenly he's just another person. Judging by your reactions and his, this has already happened.

So, what does he do for you? Does he respect you? Is he considerate of your feelings? Do you trust him? Do you feel like he really cares about you and your feelings?

You've answered most of these questions already in your post. You know what the answers are. So, here's the real question:

Do you feel that you should meet him again, or continue your relationship with him?

Ultimately, the decision is yours. You have to make it for yourself. We can give you advice and we can give you instruction, but whether or not you follow the advice and instructions you receive is completely your prerogative. Just be sure to ask yourself the right questions and answer yourself truthfully.

What is it about him that appeals to you? What makes you think he's any different or better than any other dominant man out there? If you don't feel he's very knowledgeable, then would a more experienced dominant not be a better choice for you? Or perhaps one that is willing to learn? Finally, if he's trying to isolate you from this community without actually knowing its purpose or trying to understand it, what does that say to you?

Answer those questions before you make your next big decision.

[learningtopleez]

I want to thank everyone who has responded thus far, whether here or in PM's. I honestly appreciate the care and concern from all of you! You are all right about this. And yea TG, I probably did know the answers before posting this, but I guess I needed to hear it just one more (or several more) times.

Thanks Andrew and craftygirl! No he is not considerate nor caring, except when we are together. But in between counts too, at least for me. For him I don't fit in anywhere...he actually said that to me once.

ProjectEuropa...I'm so sorry you had to go through that!! No one deserves to be treated that way, not for any reason! Not you and not me! He hasn't asked me to leave my husband for him though and I don't think he would. I would be leaving my husband whether he was in the picture or not. That's another story that could last another fifty pages...lol! Sorry to open old wounds for you, but I do so appreciate your caring enough to respond.

Thanks FF...I will heed your kind advice as I too choose paranoia over death.

TG...You always ask the tough questions don't 'cha?? No he is not better than other Doms although I have met only one in r/l and that would be him. So as far as meeting someone and knowing them he is it, and I don't feel I know him that well for a whole year to have passed. The Doms I have met here, as friends (and sometimes to flirt and play!) have treated me better than he has. Yet all the ones I have met are taken or too far away, so that leaves me in the cold. Of course I'm sure I haven't had a chance to meet everyone, so who knows??

Thanks everyone and I'll let you know what happens when I call and cancel. (Please pray for me to have the strength to do that!)

[ProjectEuropa]

ProjectEuropa...I'm so sorry you had to go through that!!

I suppose I should have seen it coming but I thought so much of her and had so much faith in her, she had never given me any reasons to doubt her integrity up to that point. I should have put that in my posting because I meant to add, the man you are talking about has given you every reason to doubt his integrity.

[ProjectEuropa]

All comments and suggestions are eagerly encouraged and welcome! Please :help:
Ltp

Dump him! I'm speaking as someone who was shit on from a very great height but I was too blind and too enthralled to see it coming. His demands on you are too excessive and he sounds like he is giving up nothing for your relationship.

This is all a little complex to go into here but I had a four year relationship with someone who attached what I thought were excessive conditions and I told her why I thought they were excessive right from the beginning. I was straight as a die with her but looking back I guess she was a suspicious and a cynical person. However she wouldn't bend and in the end I gave into her conditions which involved leaving my wife because I was crazy about her. Once I had fulfilled her conditions she then turned round and said she owed me nothing and that she didn't want my wife's cast off. Giving into her conditions cost me my relationship with my daughter, I had a breakdown, it cost me at least $200,000 and probably more, I daren't count, certainly it has put my retirement back several years. She however, was putting nothing on the line. I never even got an apology from her. She rationalizes away what she did to me, saying she had flawed ethics. Well No! Her ethics might have been flawed to have anything to do with me but to tell me to basically 'Fuck off!' when I had met her conditions was just her being an EVIL BITCH! She also said she had changed her mind about me some six months earlier doh! Why didn't she tell me that six months earlier? Why didn't she tell me when I told her I was going to fulfill her conditions? Probably because my latest estimate of her being an EVIL BITCH is about right.

So I would say DUMP HIM before he shits on you anymore. He has given you enough reasons to walk away. Don't be a stupid naive fool like me. The irony was when I had my breakdown, my wife was the first person to come to my aid. Sometimes you just don't know what you've got. Love, infatuation, call it what you will, makes one blind. Get rid of him. There are plenty more blokes out there.

Before I met this woman, I hated no one. Now I find part of me is an angry bitter person and I hate having those emotions, it ruins ones enjoyment of the world. So I say it again. Get rid of him, go through the hurt but in the future you will probably look back and think it was a wise move to walk away.