Stuck!

[NaturalSub]

Hello!

It's been a good 6 months since my last post, I've been out of the scene for a while, trying to get my head together.

I'm now with a lovely vanilla man. Slightly problematic though. He was willing to try some D/s, and then added, 'It'll be a laugh'. Since he said that, it kind of put me off! It's not a bit of a laugh, it's a bloody lifestyle!

Anyway! We get on well, his kids (grown up) like me and approve and we all get on fabulously, which is a good thing. But I feel really trapped. He's a lovely man and has been through the mill a lot and had a breakdown, been in hospital, hasn;t had a partner in a long time. Met me, fell in love with me, I thought I loved him. Have realised it was probably a rebound thing, because Iknow now that whilst I like him very much, I just don;t love him.

So, the obvious answer is, get rid! Unfortunatly, thats not possible. It would kill him. I've always had difficulties in breaking up with people, I never like hurting them. But this time it's serious, I know damn well, if I split up withhim, he'll kill himself. He probably wouldn't do it activly, but he would stop living.

When we met, he was ready to die, he wanted to stop living. I gave him a reason to live, he keeps telling me I am his motivation in life. It's too much, I can;t handle it.

It's almost like having my own sub, which is a position I just can't take!

It was my birthday a couple of days ago, and I had some very bad news a couple of days before that. I was talking with my old Master, and he suggested I went to visit him for a couple of days. Nothing kinky, just two freinds chilling for a couple of days.

Sounded like a good idea to me. There wasn;t going tobe any power play or anything. I was just going to get away from a clingy boyfreind and suspend reality.

Well yeah, I was weak, I broke within about 10 mins of arriving. It wasn't anything in particular, just the threat that if I swore at him, he would lick my finger. I know it doesn;t sound like a lot, but it was always one of our things that if I was bad, but he didn;t mind, then he would reward/punish me with some extra sexual tension. He flusters me. I can't think straight around him.

Fuck, I realised, I still loved him. To break the tension a bit, we decided to go out to an old country house, wander round the grounds and take some photos. That was fine, however, without even realising it, I walked a step behind him. I didn;t even notice until he remarked on it.

Well, to cut a long story short, we had a play session, which was amazing, even though it resulted in a dislocated shoulder. Opps! And for the first time ever, actually had to use a knife to cut the ropes to get me out quickly.

I'm back at home now. Feeling bad. Not sure what to do.

I still love my old master, and although I know he doesn;t love me, he's (jokingly) offered me the foot of his bed. But on a more serious note, he wants me back to play. If I thought there was any chance he would one day love me, I think I'd jump at the chance, but I know he won;t, so thats not going to happen.

What is doing my head in is that I know now that if I spend the rest of my life with the chap I'm with at the moment, I'm not going to be happy. I'm going to have a submissive side that won;t get any attention. I know that as his kind of Domme, that I am abusing him. Taking advantage of him. Treating him like shit in many respects. But he won't or can't see it like that. He likes doing things for me. I always wondered what it was ike to be a domme, and now I know, I can't handle the pressure, the responsibilty!

I really don;t know what I can do.

My options are 1. Stay with him and lead an unfulfilled, but reasonably happy life.
2. Split up with him, have the repercussions from that playing on my conscience for the rest of my life and live an unfulfilled life because I wont be able to be happy knowing I've destryoed him.
or 3. Stay with him, keep seeing Ally on the side and feeling guilty about it, but at least my sub side is fulfilled.

The thing is, I actually feel quite contented until I see or talk to Ally, and then I can't get him out of my head for ages.

The easy option would be to just stop having any contact with him. But I can't make that break. I've tried, and I can go a couple of weeks now without thinking too much about him. I really just don;t knw what to do!

To be honest, I don;t really know why I wrote this post. I think mainly I just wanted to rant, to talk it over. The only person i can talk it over with is Ally, and he has alterior motives.

Any advice? anyone? any where?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Ick. Talk about codependant and a guilt-trip on top of that. :bigdump:

Anyone who "needs" someone in order to live really needs therapy, not a companion. They need to get their own crap straight before dragging someone else down with them. On top of that, you feel unfulfilled because you're in a vanilla relationship. Which sort of begs the questions: Why are you in a vanilla relationship in the first place if you know it's not going to satisfy you?

I think you need to think about what you want. What you really want. Then you need to decide if you're going to let this man's pathetic attempts at manipulation and guilt keep you in an unfulfilling, unsatisfying place. If you've already gone back to your old master and it's only six months into your realtionship, then what will you be doing in a year, or two, or five? You already know you need the BDSM aspect, and you already know that it satisfies some need in you, and you know you're going to "cheat" to have the BDSM in your life. So, what does that tell you?

I think you're headed down a rocky road, and I don't think you will be happy until you are in a more fulfilling relationship for you. I don't suggest running out and pouncing right into the next person's lap. Take your time, fix yourself first, and then look for something that you know will satisfy you in the long run.

Need more advice? Just ask.

[NaturalSub]

Wise words, pretty much mirroring what my freinds said when I first got together with this chap.

Unfortunatly, I didn't listen. Now I'm in too deep. 1 week, 2 week, even possibly a month into the realtionship I could have left without causing anyone any harm.

Now however, I'm screwed. I really don;t know what to do. Yes, of course the answer is to leave him. Words I find easy to write, but nigh on impossible to act upon.
I keep thinking to myself, in a few years he will have sorted himself out and I'll be able to leave then. But I don't know if thats going to happen.

When I say it'll kill him if I leave, I don;t say those words lightly, it will actually kill him.

Funilly enough, the first thing Ally said when I told him what was going on was 'Does the word codependencey mean anything to you?'

I'm only 23, I shouldn;t have to worry abuot things like this!

[BDSM_Tourguide]

When I say it'll kill him if I leave, I don;t say those words lightly, it will actually kill him.

That's not your problem. If he makes the choice to go to that extreme because he loses his companion, then he's already too far gone to be able to form any kind of healthy, productive relationship anyway.

In all actuality, if you left him, he'd get over it. People that are going to kill themselves don't tell people they're going to kill themselves.

You already know my opinions concerning the rest of this matter.

[Escritor]

Nat:

I'm 23, same as you are (I'm male though) and from the looks of what you wrote on your first post, this vanilla man you're seeing is a much older guy. That makes me think he will not be so impulsive, he will listen to what you have to say and then think about it, without making him want to kill himself.

What Ruby says about getting 6 weeks no contact at all is a valid option. But being in the receiving hand of that option I can tell you it's the most frustrating thing you can experience. Uncertainty is the worst feeling you can have because you just don't know what to do, don't know what's going on. I'd rather have my girlfriend say to me "nope, this is not working out" immediately (although it would hurt -a lot) instead of asking me some time off, because in that time I will keep thinking about what's going on, what's going to happen, how can I fix it, etc. It's worst.

So I'd sit him down, ask him to let me talk and don't ask anything till I'm through. I tell him I value his love for me, that it is a wonderful thing, but that I just don't feel the same. Don't tell him what is unfulfilling in your relationship cause he'll want to try some D/s just to keep you around. Just tell him you don't really love him, and that it won't work out. Don't give any details. Tell him you think he should look forward to other things in life that are fulfilling for him (maybe he likes to hunt, or to read or whatever you know he likes), that he should see a therapist and -this I leave for you to choose- that you will be there if he ever needs you, but that you'll be no more than just friends who support each other. If you think this last thing, as Ruby says, would give him hope of maintaining the relationship, skip it.

It's a truly hard situation the one you're in. But you have to get out from it. And don't even consider of returning to your old master. Not even for "just games".

I wish you the very best of luck and many good thoughts.

[Ruby]

Wise words slvWriting.

Looking back on that time in my life. I did break up with "that man" and asked him for six weeks to leave me the f*ck alone. He foolishly believed I would come crawling back to him. Did I mention he was a jerk?
Different strategies are needed for different personalities.

You've made some very valuable points.

Nat,

All the best no matter what you decide. Whatever course of action you're going to take, please know that you've got the home team rooting for you.

[Nikita]

My options are 1. Stay with him and lead an unfulfilled, but reasonably happy life.
2. Split up with him, have the repercussions from that playing on my conscience for the rest of my life and live an unfulfilled life because I wont be able to be happy knowing I've destryoed him.
or 3. Stay with him, keep seeing Ally on the side and feeling guilty about it, but at least my sub side is fulfilled.

Dear Nat (Can I call you that? Yes, you can deal with it)

Why do you have to choose?

Life is not black and white. You don't have to leave one to play with the other.

Let's assume you pledged to "vanilla" that you will stay with him forever. Let's also say you promised to be "faithful".

Solution:

Tell "vanilla" (now that he is healthy), you changed your mind about the "fathful" part because you are a "weak, dick sucking, whip licking, whore". Not exactly in those words, but you and I know who's dick you want to suck and whip you want to lick...right?

"Vanilla" will whine, get sick on purpose, and the guilts on you until the "cows come home". He probably would behave that way even if he was healthy, 35 year old man. :yawn:

:boring:In my "virgin" days, an older guy got stuck on me really bad. I felt so suffocated. I told him it wasn't going to work out. I told him I was going out with other guys; that didn't work. I told him I was a slut; and it got his dick hard. I told him his asshole smelled better than his breath; and he would wait for me at my apartment door when I came home with a date.

He was making me crazy. I didn't know what to do. He was harder to get rid of than a condo in Houston.

My friends called me at work. My boss screened my calls for me. Finally, he came to my work to say goodbye; he was going to fall on a knife for me. I called his bluff and security escorted him out. They had to call the cops who put him in the looney bin.

Back to you: personally, I would play with both. Be honest with yourself and them. Let both of them know you just want to have "fun". I would NOT tell "vanilla" anything about your old master. "Vanilla" just might do something really stupid if he's really desperate.

If you want some free, therapeutic advice (as if anyone really cares), here it is:
Life is now. You get one chance, ONLY. Wouldn't you want to do what you wanna do?

BDSM_Tourguide thinks you should take your time and fix yourself first. I think you should try having fun first, because sometimes you just can't choose!!! :toofunny:

[Ocean_Soul]

Nat,

Quit the situation you are in. I’m not very good a figuring out the human mind so I don’t have any specifics but if you do not want to continue the relationship with him and you don’t want to hurt him badly (and live with the guilt) perhaps you can have both. Maybe there would be some way you can encourage him to seek help and/or help him get into a position where he can live without you.

[Ruby]

Dear NaturalSub,

You're 23, you've got your whole life ahead of you and neither of these men are what you need. In the words of Richard Bach - "Argue for your limitations and they are yours."

Please stop putting yourself into a narrow box. You have far more options than you can see.

Reality check is that you are codependent on both for different reasons. Neither seems to be a healthy relationship and TG made lots of valid points.

When I was younger than you, I thought I found the man I would marry. He had me wrapped around his finger when he was kind, but his other tendencies...well, lets just say verbally abusive is mild. My Grandmom's advice was simple:
Get the man out of your life for 6 weeks.
Tell him you need time off.
No phone contact, no letters, nothing.
If at the end of 6 weeks you can't live without him, then go ahead and give it a try.
At the end of 6 six weeks, I was happy to have him out of my life, breaking up was easy because I spent 6 weeks crying, mourning, realizing that he wasn't the one for me.

Now about you and Mr. Vanilla

You already know Mr. Vanilla isn't right for you.
You are not responsible for your vanilla man's happiness or mental health. That doesn't mean you can treat him like crap to end the relationship, but it does mean that you can tell him you want time to think about whether or not he can satisfy your needs.

Tell him 6 weeks no contact. If he can't respect you enough to give you those 6 weeks, then he's already failed. If he can do it, then you've given yourself breather room to come back and say for example, "nope, this just isn't going to work. It's not about you. It's about me....you need someone who can give you things I can...blah, blah, blah."

Say whatever you can come up with that you can live with. Let's call it "the easy, let down, breakup speech."
You may want to practice it a few time.
Skip the "let's be friends" part, cause then you're keeping his hopes alive that you'll be his companion.

Ocean_Soul offers very good advice. Encourage him to seek help.

You and your former master

You love a master who doesn't love you. That just makes me want to cry.

Do you love him or the way he makes you feel?

What do you get out of the relationship besides a good time?

Is that enough for you, for now?

If you want to keep playing with him, does it keep you from finding a master/man who can love you?

Does it satisfy your needs in the short term, but make you feel used or unsatisfied in the long term?

Can this master - will he - help you find another partner?

If you want to play with him, do so.
No guilt should be involved.

Just take a step back and really look at what you're getting from the relationship.

Big hugs to you as you work your way through this trying time. Know that you have the strength to define what you want and to go get it. That being a submissive does not mean having to live in an unhealthy relationship or settle for less than you need/want.

To your health and happiness!

Ruby