What do you do when.......?

[submissivewife]

OK, this might seem more like a question of submissives but I decided to put this here because I also wanted some feed back from Doms and Dommes.

Some of you might find this hard to beleive, since I am such a good girl here at the forums , but there has been a time or two where I have been punished. Now, I hate being punished. I feel awful, distrout, and sometimes sick over my actions. During these times, I find I need to do something to "make up" for my mistake(s)/transgression(s); only I don't know what.

Example:

Once, I upset my Daddy. He knows I hate being up in the closet; it's dark, lonely, and closed in. Daddy had me go to my closet, kneel, with a vibe in my mouth, close the door, and think about what I had done. The time to be in the closet was only 10 minutes. To me, it felt like an eternaty. I was near tears by the time was up. I really wanted to do something to show Daddy how sorry I was for my actions, only I couldn't think of anything.

Subs:

What do you do when you feel you need to "make up" for being bad?

Doms/Dommes

What do you/would you like for your sub to do to show they are sorry for their actions?

[wingsofanangel]

-nods- I understand how you feel, completley....

I got myself into a lot of trouble yesterday with Ocean and MasterD. It was the most horrible thing. I cried and cried and cried. It takes a lot to make me cry, I dun even cry with pain most of the time. But know I disappointed them so much, oh it was awful. Of course I was punished by both of them, seperatly for my not listening. I find that afterward my explain my understanding of what just happened and why is what makes them the happiest. Them knowing I understand and comprehend makes them smile.

I am always wanting to do something extra though. At these times you can surprise your Master with Kinky unexpected pictures, be extra respectful, ask for new tasks, do something you dislike very much for him, write him a poem/song/story... write down everything you feel. I do not have much experience in the "making up" yet... but those are some of the ideas that come to mind.

And as always, if you are still feeling so awful, perhaps the puishment is not enough and you should request another? I do not get over punishments easily... it takes me quite sometime before I feel happy again.... but its important to remember that most Doms view it as an open and closed thing. As soon the punishment is over, the error is erased... so try not to be so hard on yourself, they know you are human.

Anya

[submissivewife]

-

I am always wanting to do something extra though.
Anya

Thanks Anya. That's what I was trying to say. I always feel the need to do more...just don't know what. Thank you for your ideas.

[wingsofanangel]

-nods- I got ya submissivewife.

For the Doms who replied. I understand how most Doms think, that once the punishment is handled.. the "sin" is erased and forgotten.. however. When you are as submissive as I am.. and apparently Submissivewife, knowing you disappointed your Dom is torture.. and sometimes punishment just doesn't feel like its enough. Its like the ultimate betrayle sometimes. My angels take wonderful care of me and build me up, reassure me, etc... but at times.. I only want to do more to please them as much as possible.

Submissivewife, if yo uare feeling the need to do something extra... do it. You know your Dom better than anyone I am sure you can think of or find something to show your gratitude for your punishment and sorrow for your error..sometimes I do extra little things and don't even tell them.... just doing it makes me feel better... like... keeping clothes pegs on 5 minutes longer than asked... or... adding a few extra swats... things like that.

Best wishes.

Anya

[Evan_]

After reading this thread from top to bottom, I wonder if my pet hasn't registered under multiple new screennames and posted all of this herself...

She feels horribly just knowing that I have been disappointed, and floats on clouds when she knows I have been pleased. To me, the act of a punishment always felt... fake? force? insincere? I don't like coming up with punishments because I don't like inflicting intentional discomfort. It's just not in me. I'm finding that being dominant is not the same as being cruel, and it is the dominance that I enjoy most. Discovering that I don't have to be cruel is only a recent revelation, and one I have been pleased to uncover together with Kate.

Kate baby - Hope you post here and share your own feelings about this.

[Aussiegirl1]

I'm finding that being dominant is not the same as being cruel, and it is the dominance that I enjoy most. Discovering that I don't have to be cruel is only a recent revelation, and one I have been pleased to uncover together with Kate.

Evan,

Just had to say that it is wonderful that you are discovering this most important difference.

Good luck to you and Kate.

[her_Joe]

Doms/Dommes

What do you/would you like for your sub to do to show they are sorry for their actions?

Obey. Make a complete effort. Make my instructions the center of her focus.

I assume, SW, that after your punishment you are forgiven. That seems to me to be one of the functions of punishment -- first, to acknowledge something went wrong; second, to correct it so it probably won't occur again; third, to punish appropriately for the "error"; and, fourth, to cleanse and forgive.

If your punishment doesn't leave you feeling cleansed and the aftercare (which I also assume is present?) doesn't leave you feeling forgiven, you need to bring these things to the attention of "Daddy."

Hope I've helped, sweetie. Be good.

hJ

[Ruby]

Well said, Her_Joe.

For me, its all about the forgiveness. My partner forgiving me and me forgiving yourself.

I like my sub to tell me what he did that upset me, and let me know that it's something he doesn't want to repeat.

I do the same for my T.

The "making up" is more about letting it go.
Not bringing up something that didn't please me
or not saying sorry repeatedly once it done and over with. If he's already been forgiven, then that just keeps opening it up and making us relive it, like pouring salt into the wound.

Great suggestions, WingsofanAngel, for doing something unexpected that would please your partner.

I'd like to think my sub was doing those things not because he's upset me, but because he just wants to please me.

[His_pita]

Punishment is about receiving forgiveness for me as well. When I have been punished I have felt incredibly sorrowful for having done something that warranted being punished. I could have wallowed in that misery of shame and regret, but that isn't what was expected of me. He gives the punishment, he forgives me, he gives aftercare and it's to be forgotten and life resumes.

I do think doing something special for you Dom is a wonderful idea. However, beating yourself up for doing wrong is not your responsibility.

[Tojo]

Well my idea of punishment is to say I'm disappointed. I know that hurts, so I make sure she knows I've forgiven her & that whatever she's done or hasn't done is merely a glitch in an otherwise perfect thing.

To me it's up to a Dom/me to make sure their sub knows they're forgiven. If the sub spends days feeling awful, maybe they're not being paid enough attention.

Further to that, if a sub has feelings of rejection out of context to the here & now, maybe it's something the Dom should realise & work on.

It's not all about a Dom/me being perfect & a sub having to live up to them.

Tojo

[Silke]

Subs:

What do you do when you feel you need to "make up" for being bad?

I really don't know to be honest. There's only one serious incident for me so far that comes to mind and I so wanted to make up for it and had no idea how to do that. My reaction was to fall into the trap that his_pita described

However, beating yourself up for doing wrong is not your responsibility.

Mind you, not a good idea. He was so sweet about the actual mistakes I made but not too pleased with my taking my punishment into my own hands...got a much needed lecture on how this is his job, not mine. And he's right, too. (lol, I hate when I have to say that)

If it were to happen again I think I'd just try to show him that I see where I've gone wrong and really show him that I'm sorry and I'm working on this never happening again. Not only saying it but proving it with my actions. While making up through being extra nice, coming up with special treats and the like sounds tempting, I don't think it should be linked to the punishment/mistakes/feeling bad thing...if I've done a mistake it won't help to cover it up by making gifts - those are things I choose to do to make him happy, and not because I need some relief from feeling guilty.

What I got out of this one major fuck up on my part (at least that's what I'd call it...he didn't ) is that things go wrong sometimes, but once it's dealt with, there's no need to feel bad about it anymore - just make sure to do your best in the future to avoid doing it over and over again. It worked for me...

[Ozme52]

Punishment will usually be something the sub particularly dislikes... and NOT something I particularly enjoy. And as others have said, in whole or in part, the purpose of punishment is to teach a lesson and to permit forgiveness.

So an excellent way to thank me is to request I now take my pleasure... even if it may also entail an activiy you, as the sub, might not particularly enjoy. Asking for that particular activity is, in essence, your gift of thanks.

Of course, if it's an activity you also enjoy... it's all good, but if it's an activity your Dom knows you dislike, it makes the gift, and your contrition, all the more special.

[Aesop]

Doms/Dommes

What do you/would you like for your sub to do to show they are sorry for their actions?

Personally I'm with Joe. Punishment should be something the submissive doesn't like so it is actually punishment, but once it's done, it's done. Then is the time to encourage and care and to show faith in your submissive by letting her know that you believe it won't happen again. The best thing for my submissive to do to show they are sorry is to just try to not let whatever it was happen again. Knowing that she is trying her hardest to please me is gift enough.

[KermitsKeeper]

Thank you, Master Evan, for permission to post.

Master Evan doesn't need to do too much to punish me because I am so hard on myself when I have messed up... In fact, he has to work a lot with me on the aftercare side of things because my feelings of contrition run deep and are hard to purge. I know I apologize too often, too. So far Master Evan has been tolerant of that (thank you, Master!). So I completely understand the need to do more to make things up, as I feel that way myself. I usually do as her_Joe said and work extra hard to obey and make Master's wishes the center of my attention. Oh, and I usually send pictures, too (Master Evan enjoys seeing me smiling so he knows I have forgiven myself). And thank you, Ozme52, for this:

"So an excellent way to thank me is to request I now take my pleasure... even if it may also entail an activiy you, as the sub, might not particularly enjoy. Asking for that particular activity is, in essence, your gift of thanks."

I think I will take this to heart, as well, and offer Master Evan whatever pleasure he wants to show my thanks for his forgiveness.

[cariad]

Some of you might find this hard to beleive, since I am such a good girl here at the forums , but there has been a time or two where I have been punished. Now, I hate being punished. I feel awful, distrout, and sometimes sick over my actions. During these times, I find I need to do something to "make up" for my mistake(s)/transgression(s); only I don't know what.

....

Subs:

What do you do when you feel you need to "make up" for being bad?

I am not sure that I have ever felt the need to 'make up' for being bad. Perhaps this is because beyond an acknowledgement that I have done something which displeases him, and an undertaking to endeavour not to repeat it, there is nothing I can do.

When he chooses to punish me, the key is always time out by myself to consider what I have done. This is always preceded by a discussion to ensure that we both understand and agree the issue. Considering his displeasure even for a short time cuts deep, and I have never repeated something I have been punished for.

Aftercare is vital, both to restore my self esteem and to ensure that the relationship is not damaged.

cariad