BDSM interest as a child (lengthy personal post inside)

[fighter_and_writer]

This is a question that I've witheld in my subconscious for a number of years. In a rare form of openness on my part, I ask this primarily for the sake of scientifical and psychological intrigue, rather than as a means of gratification that one would normally derive from such a topic.

A brief bit of background information is necessary for substantiation. I'm 19 years old. I have no desire to be a part of any intimate or sexual relationships and/or actions at any point in my life (nor have I had any in the past). Being heterosexual is beyond my current control, as are the existence of sexual attractions that come with it. What I can, and have done, is utterly ignore them. This isn't an issue of divinity, by the way; I'm not religious.

I've been plagued with this preposterous enchantment of bondage since as early as five years old. When I was little, I would feel intrigued whenever a female character was bound and gagged in the classic kidnapping scenario in any one of a number of cartoons. I always hated feeling like that, but it was biologically inevitable. I would never let it be the draw to me watching something, but I was into testosterone-filled, hero cartoons at that age, so those bound hostage scenes wouldn't leave me alone.

It escalated from there into a bizarre fetish. At around 10, I read a children's novel that had the protagonist, a girl of my age, become afflicted with a curse that turned her into an animal. The concept of a human head atop of a foreign body highly intrigued me. I can't say for certain that it was an outright sexual feeling, but it was certainly as close as a little kid can come to one.

Through puberty, this evolved to standard attractions towards the opposite sex (to be more specific, feminine qualities and parts that teenage males come to be engrossed by), which I ignore and shut out with venom towards, but must nevertheless understand and accept as being of the carbon-based, organic lifeform that I am (for the time being, anyways). The former cases, I cannot.

And, to an extent, I cannot grasp with aspects of my current situation, either. I refuse to look at and support pornography, but if I were to do so, my level of intrigue would be rough, forced intercourse and degradation of women. This, of course, couldn't be further from the morals and level of honor I actually hold myself to. It's an extremely disconnected state of being: my conscious desires versus primordial instincts. I can't help but think that those abnormalities are a correlative evolution from my feelings as a little kid.

Have you ever gone through anything of even any remotely similar circumstances growing up? At what age did you come to terms with catering to bdsm? This isn't something that has any affect on my reality, and that I need help controlling it, or anything like that. It's nothing to me. I'm just extremely questionable about its cause.

[DrkRvn]

I went through something similar but it wasn't with bdsm, it was with religion and what I thought I was supposed to be doing and natural instincts to do other wise. Eventually I gave in and am much happier now with my current belief system.... I think its had to fight your natural urges. I guess my question for you is what makes you want to fight them so vehemently rather than explore them. If you are not religious, why do you feel it is wrong for you to explore these things. obviously its hard to read toned and such from a post on line, but you sound like you want to be above physical need, like you want to be a sexual and not need sex or gratification or dark lustful thoughts, thats atleast how i read hte post based on some of your wording and such... i could be totally wrong... but its part of human nature and not something easy to deny....

As far as learning that I liked bdsm. I also have had interest in it since i was very young. My early sexual fantasys were all about being captured, tortured, expiramented on, forced to do things, forced to be parts of rituals, and so on. I never looked at having the strange fantasies as being bad or wrong, and it wasn't until i was much older that I realiezed they were variations of bdsm scenarios. It wasn't until recently that I even thought about making them part of my sex life.

My husband and Master is one of the kindest people I know. he is caring and sweet adn has alot of respect for women. He was hesitant at first because bdsm is so opposite of everythign he had been taught adn believed about how you should treat a woman, but there is a difference when you are doing those things for real to opress and hurt some one and whne it is a mutually agreed upon thing that has rules and limits its like playing cops a robbers when youa re little its pertend. You aren't really being mean and opresive adn evil. if anything you are giving the other person freedom to express desire adn wants that they couldn't otherwise, because of societal norms... enjoying bdsm doesn't make some one less moral or evil, it just makes them more of who they are...

anyways... I don't know if any of the helped or made sense or what, so feel free to ask for clarifiacation or what not...

[fighter_and_writer]

If you are not religious, why do you feel it is wrong for you to explore these things. obviously its hard to read toned and such from a post on line, but you sound like you want to be above physical need, like you want to be a sexual and not need sex or gratification or dark lustful thoughts, thats atleast how i read hte post based on some of your wording and such... i could be totally wrong... but its part of human nature and not something easy to deny....

That's right. I just know that affectionate and sexual experiences are not for me. It's largely an issue of independence. It's not hard to ignore these feelings.

Thank you very much for your thoughts.