True Doms Vs Play Doms

[Rabbit1]

I have had some interesting conversations lately with some new submissives.

And the main question is ---how do you Tell ----a true Dom from a want to be

Usually the first thing I tell a sub---is a true Dom with try to find your comfort level----

This life style requires that both sub and Dom find enjoyment from what they are doing.

A true Dom will get his pleasure from guiding you and teaching you to expand from your comfort level. Not just jump in where he is comfortable.

We have a lot of want to be Doms here --who want nothing else but a sex show online --- where they control what you do ---This is fine if that is what the sub is looking for.

A true Dom will try to build a level of trust with his sub.

a want to be will want to be just jump right in there --trying to tell the sub what to do.


True Doms care about their subs --- not just getting off themselves ---they do try to make sure their subs have got off also


True Dom make their subs want to come back for more ---the want to be just do not care

There are alot of True Doms here --but I am afraid we are out numbered by the want to be Doms

So subs take care choose wisely ---you can be hurt by the want to be s not just physically ---but turned off to the whole life style by them

[_ID_]

Can say nothing more than already said. Simply all I can do is quote Rabbit, and underline word for word what he said.

V/R
ID

[Silke]

well said, Rabbit!

[Ozme52]

[Tojo]

Beautifully put O long eared one.

Many subs & potential subs seem to think if someone calls themself a Dom, they automatically deserve respect & are all-knowing.

Apparently this is NOT the case! I have reams of text which states unequivocably that many so called 'Experienced Doms' are.....wannabees.

Go in with your eyes open, do not believe everything 'He' says- trust your own instincts.

The golden rule IMO- 'If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.'


Tojo

[Ozme52]

Actually, I wouldn't doubt that the subs and switches here at the library talk about who is and isn't "true black&blue"

Any new subs should seek out the advice of those who've been here awhile. There's no need, here at the bdsmlibrary forum, to be uninformed.

[Widget]

Well said Rabbit

[frankee]

ditto!

[cariad]

and Rabbit

cariad

[SheepishJaina]

Sadly i've had both. Thank You for this Rabbit.

[suchaminx]

Rabbit1

Thank you for posting this and making me think

~hugs~ minx x

[Rabbit1]

I posted this because I have had a few subs come to me ----a few were from the chat room ----and a few were from the forum --had recently been chosen by a Dom ---turned out to be want to be Doms----all these subs were doing is putting on mini sex shows for some guy claiming to be a Dom. So ladies if all you want out of a relationship is to strip and get on a yahoo or other cam ---put on nipple clamps or spank yourself ---then have at it.

Otherwise ---you are being taken advantage of ---and if you are going to put on a porn show ---hey at least get paid for it.

This just made me sick --after talking to these fine ladies.. and they felt so used and stupid.

I know of some very fine Doms on this site---they are caring---Trust worthy people. There is nothing I can do to tell you who is and who is not a real Dom because with over 17,000 members I do not know each one personally.

All I can do is advise you the subs to think. Ask your Dom questions before you commit to being their sub. Move slowly until you are sure you can trust them. And do not do anything that you are not comfortable with doing.

[cariad]

Yes, I did just write that heading!

I suspect that I can identify at least one of the examples Rabbit is talking about here.

If I am right, the gentleman concerned most certainly is not dom, and in my opinion does not have the personality to ever be one. He is not a bad guy, infact I love chatting to him about all sorts of things.

Unfortunately he is just in the wrong place. His sexual drive is nearly always in hyperdrive and the chat room just seems like pardise to him.

I have spent hours trying to explain the difference between being highly sexed and dominant, and failed. But this is not his fault, he is not a nasty wannabe or a bully, just an over sexed vanilla bean with a blind spot.

In the example I am thinking of, I did take the lady concerned to one side when I was horrified to find she was falling into his clutches. I endeavoured to explain, but was assured that he was just what she wanted and she was ever so happy.

So in support of Rabbit's post - yes subs it is our job to educate ourselves, look out for the signs, and think before we jump. But if we get it wrong, please remember it is not always the wannabes Dom's fault, it could be ours.

cariad

[RickBulow74]

This is a very intriguing thread, as I know that when I did the paper I did have a little online experience and was labelled a wannabe by a few, but not really understood the difference. Now, just in reading the entire thread, I am getting a good idea that there are wannabe Doms out there and I do not want to be labelled as one.

A lot of good points were raised, and this should be one of the "sticky threads" I see about the Forum Boards.

Now I have a question. If the same is true for Doms, is it also for subs and slaves?

[SheepishJaina]

Oh heck yes Rick. The door swings both ways.

[Tojo]

Excellent post cariad. Well worth remembering that a sub also has a responsibility to themselves- I cringe at some of the personal ads I see on this & other forums.

Tojo

[cariad]

The role I think is the hardest in our lifestyle is that a newbie Dom. For obvious reasons I have never been there, but have had the privilage of watching some 'going to be great' on line Doms take their first footsteps into this world. I have yet to had watch the process in real life.

They arrive, sometimes with knowledge gleaned from sites such as this forum, sometimes with impressions gleaned from literature, sometimes just with a gut feel that this is what they want.

And guess what, they meet a newbie sub, a wanna be sub, a bratty sub; and ouch, they get it wrong. Hardly surprising really. And then sometimes in an attempt to rescue their position they react by flexing what they think are Domly muscles they start strutting and make some terrible mistakes. Result a newbie Dom is suddenly seen as a wannabe Dom.

So come on fellow subs, another plea, lets support these newbie Doms, be tolerant of when they make basic mistakes. Be gentle with them, help build their confidence rather than topping from the bottom. Not always the most exciting or easiest of times, but I for one get a huge kick out of seeing the transformation, and knowing that I have been able to play a small part in the transformation from "I am new and am pretty sure I am Dom" to a "yes, this is me, and I am happy with who I am Dom".

cariad

[cariad]

Now I have a question. If the same is true for Doms, is it also for subs and slaves?

I think so - there are true subs, play subs, wannabe subs and newbie subs, all very different creatures.

cariad

[Tojo]

Well said Delia.


Tojo

[cariad]

Could not agree more delia, but that takes confidence.

cariad

[Rabbit1]

yep delia I could not agree more --but most of what we get is someone who saw a hard core picture and thinks they are already masters of that ---lol

Oh the first poor sub who gets a caning or a whipping from that kind of master Dom

[_ID_]

I was a newbie Dom once. The kind that just had the gut feeling that I wanted to be Dom, for reasons that I knew I didn't want to be controlled, humiliated, or hit. I got plenty of advice from other Dom's, and looked for advice from submissives willing to give constructive advice. The best advice I got from my wife who when we met knew I had zero practical BDSM experience, so gave me plenty of coaching, plenty of advice on technique, and advice on protocol.

Thanks cariad and delia for your support of the newbie Dom.

V/R
ID

[AdamPowers]

Agree // Dito // Copy-Paste to share with others.

- Adam

[RickBulow74]

You know what i love? i love newbie Doms that say "I am new and would love to hear advice and lessons learned from Doms and subs alike." Those are the Doms that will blossom and become great additions to the lifestyle. They have a good head on their shoulders, realize they don't know everything starting right out and realize that subs may also give them great nuggets of information...

Patience is easier to have with newbie Doms who ask for help and have a true desire to grow.

delia, you have just described me to a "T" as I would love to hear all advice on the lifestyle from any and also if they have any good links for me to view. I guess I am a glutton for information and advice here.

[Radiance]

Rabbit 1

What you said about the Doms online coudnt be more true,I feel it dosnt matter how you look online as long as the woman gets naked for the man they will say anything to them,why? well thats simple thats all they want is a peep show.a way to get Off.When did BDSM turn into how many times you can cum on a web cam??
so many people think you should do as your told, well fuck them i say i do what I want when i want and wont be told to get naked to have a man on the other side of the world get off cos he cant get it at home,Wanna be Doms are a pain in the arse,Bring on the ones that know how to treat a sub.
I loved what you wrote Rabbit,and thanks for opening to many eyes up.

Radiance xoxox

And believe me ive been conned before.

[Mastermike]

very well put Rabbit I agree hole hearted ly with you and what delia said to the new subs talk and read and hfind things out for yourself

[lily27]

cariad, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I think we all just have to be careful. Yes, there are newbie subs and wannabe subs as well - but it is the Doms who have the potential to cause so much more damage.

There is always the possibility that these wannabe Doms will eventually find their way to being "true" Doms as well. Perhaps this is just their first step on this amazing journey. I would be willing to bet that a good number of the most wonderful Doms on here have made some mistakes along the way.


My advice to newbies on both sides is not to commit to anything until 1) you are sure of what you want, and 2) you are sure of what you are committing to. I took my first collar because it honestly didn't even occur to me to say no (how is that for reasoning?). But you live and learn - and try to pass on some knowledge to those that come after you.

[Ozme52]

cariad, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I think we all just have to be careful. Yes, there are newbie subs and wannabe subs as well - but it is the Doms who have the potential to cause so much more damage.

There is always the possibility that these wannabe Doms will eventually find their way to being "true" Doms as well. Perhaps this is just their first step on this amazing journey. I would be willing to bet that a good number of the most wonderful Doms on here have made some mistakes along the way.

Someone just said to me that it took him a while to understand the importance of proper "care and feeding" of a submissive. But he got there. And now he takes his role very seriously.

My advice to newbies on both sides is not to commit to anything until 1) you are sure of what you want, and 2) you are sure of what you are committing to. I took my first collar because it honestly didn't even occur to me to say no (how is that for reasoning?). But you live and learn - and try to pass on some knowledge to those that come after you.

Well, maybe if you're talking physical damage... but I suspect most of you are talking emotional damage... and in that case I disagree.

Wannabe subs do far more harm to true doms than wannabe doms do to true subs. I know we'll disagree on that... but I think I know how many of you feel. You are all pretty open about how you feel when you've been hurt or disappointed. I doubt many, if any at all, of the doms open up when they've put time and effort into someone who just wasn't ready, or merely curious.

Perhaps our pain is greater because we bear it alone.

[lily27]

Well, maybe if you're talking physical damage... but I suspect most of you are talking emotional damage... and in that case I disagree.

Oz, I did mean physical, in this particular instance. I would be very afraid of someone wielding a flogger that didn't know how to use it.

I think we all are equally at risk of having our hearts broken....Top, bottom, vanilla, or otherwise.

[Tojo]

Geez Oz- a most thought provoking post indeed.

Hmmm.


Tojo