Rules for beginning Doms

[RickBulow74]

I was in a BDSM room at another chatsite and a Person in there went on a tirade about some things he had seen going on. He came up with the following rules that I think would be good to share, and do not know where to post them so I thought I would post them here and let the Mods do what they may with it.


Prelude

Recently, I've been running into new doms who are young, enthusiastic, and
nervous. Since it gives me great joy to help new people broaden their
horizons, I thought I'd write up some hints for them. The following list of
tips is one that I've compiled in my decade long experience with this
sexuality. It's pretty opinionated, but these are hints, not rules. For
every 100 subs, there will be one to which one of my hints does not apply.
There are always exceptions. But it takes experience to know that, so it's
better for the newbie dom to assume that the basic rule applies until he
learns definitively otherwise.Here they are, in no particular order.


1. Don't play "Prove your Worth" games. If your sub isn't worthy, why are
you playing with her? In accepting her submission, you've validated her
worth. For example, many submissive girls who will get turned on by being
called a 'slut' will get up and walk right out on you if you call her a
'worthless slut'. Embarrass her, take her dignity, play with shame if you
wish--but screw with her sense of self-worth at your peril. And hers.

2. No Contests. If you have more than one girl, don't play them off against
one another. It may be good for your ego, but it will be devastating for
them. In a D/s relationship, all parties should be winners.

3. Be a grown up. This kind of sexuality requires an unprecedented amount of
communication and maturity. Demand nothing less from yourself than your
level best at being open, honest, and compromising. Prefer to 'work it out'
than to 'win'. Swallow your pride if necessary--your submissive will give it
back to you tenfold.

4. Don't lie. About anything. A submissive needs to trust you.

5. Be diplomatic. Truth needs to be told, but it doesn't need to be told in
the most painful possible way. Every word you say has ten times more impact
than anything anyone else would say. Be sensitive to your girl's feelings.
She has taken down her walls so that she can put her unprotected emotions in
your hand. It's a sacred thing. Don't abuse it.

6. Safewords are your best friend. There are other points of view on the
necessity of using safewords, but mine is the right one. Safewords are an
essential element of distinguishing what it is we do from abuse. Consent is
paramount. Make sure your submissive has safewords. Make sure she can use
them without fear of upsetting you. Make her say them out loud to you, to
make sure that she can use them, before you start playing. She may get so
frazzled when she's submissive that she will forget. If you hear signs of
struggle that worry you, go ahead and remind her what her safewords are and
tell her that you're not going to stop unless she uses them.

7. Don't make the safeword be 'no'. In spite of whatever crap they are
teaching on college campuses these days, no does not always mean no. And for
a girl with a submissive psychology it seldom does. If you make 'no' the
safeword, you may deprive her of one of her strongest kinks--the struggle
and the nay saying.

8. Know that the headspace the submissive girl will fall into is an altered
state, not unlike being drunk. She will be more vulnerable at this time to
everything, including suggestions. She may do things for you that she will
regret later. She may do things for you without thought of her own safety.
So curb the temptation to push too far beyond limits you've already
discussed with her until you have a lot of experience.

9. On the other hand, don't be too timid. A submissive girl wants to be
pushed. She needs you, in fact, to push her to do the things that she wants
to do, but can't do by herself. It's a lovely dependence. She wants to be
challenged. She wants to do things she's never done before. She wants to
tingle with the naughtiness of having been guided,commanded, or even bullied
into sexual acts. (Whether you're the type of dom to guide, command, or
bully is really a matter of personal style.)

10. Don't give her too many choices. In fact, some submissive girls don't
want any choices. They want and need you, within the realm of sexuality, to
be the one in control. The person in charge. If you give her too many
choices, she may become disoriented and confused. If she doubts that you are
in charge, she might run. If you're going to make a game of it with choices,
it can be a lot of fun, but make sure the choices are limited--and that she
is always picking between the lesser of two "evils". Be prepared to choose
for her if the choices seem to frighten her.

11. At first, have her let you do things to her rather than command her to
do things to you. Moreover, you may wish to tell her that it's her job to
let you do things. This may strike you, at first, as an unnecessarily
passive role on the part of the submissive girl, but you will find that she
will become a more active participant once she has become comfortable with
the boundaries that have been defined for her. Submissive women, on the
whole, are smart, quick-witted and intellectual. When they are submissive,
they are delving into the more animalistic part of their brain. Let them do
so and they will be grateful to you beyond measure.

12. Be tolerant. Your girl might have fantasies that you don't share. It is
ok for you not to be enthusiastic about trying them, but don't be judgmental
about them. There is nothing that is ever wrong with any fantasy--it's a
fantasy. Her Kink Is Ok. There are some doms that can use any fantasy to get
off on, because he's enjoying the controlrather than the act. If you can
indulge all your girl's fantasies from that angle, more power to you.

13. If you're nervous, fake it. A lot of the art of this sexuality is
confidence, real or imagined. Every good dom that ever lived was terrified
at some point that he was screwing up. You're the pilot on the plane. The
passenger doesn't need to know that you had to switch on the auto-pilot for
a while as long as you both land safely.

14. Give praise and thanks. A submissive wants to please and be pleased. A
well-placed "Good Girl" is worth its weight in gold. A thank you note after
the experience will get you everywhere.

15. Don't hide your arousal. Many newbie doms downplay that they are turned
on because it makes them feel vulnerable to admit it. They want to
concentrate exclusively on the girl's arousal. This is almost always a
mistake. Don't be coy about when something is hot to you. Be comfortable
with your arousal--it is, after all, the end-all, be-all to the submissive
girl's experience. She wants to know that she is turning you on. In fact,
she will often be provoked into doing even naughtier things just because she
can see it makes you hard. Tell her, repeatedly, what she does that drives
you crazy.

16. Give assignments. Your girl is sometimes going to feel frantic to do
something to please you. You may not be in the mood at the moment or have
the time to play out some elaborate scene. Maintaining a submissive's
headspace can be an exhaustive process. This is where assignments come in.
Give her small things to do when you're not together. Have her write you a
story, take a picture for you, refrain from wearing panties, write your name
on herself, masturbate to orgasm, flirt with someone, write you a note, look
at porn, etcetera. Play little games with her. You can even make her do most
of the work.One inventive dom I know had his submissive write down about a
hundred things that she fantasized about doing or feared doing, put them on
little slips of paper in a jar, and has her draw one out of the jar every
now and again.

17. Do maintenance work. Like every expensive toy you will ever own, a
submissive girl requires care. Most of this comes in the form of aftercare.
But there are other things that need to be done. You need to reassure her
that she's important with symbols and words. More importantly, you need not
to look like a child incapable of making small commitments. If you
disappoint her in some way, which you will because that's just part of being
a human being, make a promise as to when you're going to make it up to her.
And keep it. She's flailing and will need a rock to cling to. Give her one.
Reluctance to make such a detailed, concrete promise for fear you will not
keep it is not a badge of honor. It will leave her insecure and make you
look foolish. Simply reassure her, make the promise, and keep it. That's
what adults do.

18. Learn more. The absolute best doms and subs are those who are always
learning. The day you become too proud to learn more is the day you start
sucking in bed. This sexuality is a beautiful and continual learning
process. Ask questions. Don't let your ego get in the way. Guaranteed, your
sub will give all that ego stroking back to you in spades when she knows
that you care enough to learn more.

[Timberwolf]

It's probably a bit longer than it needs to be, as it can be a bit befuddling at first. And rule 4 should actually be rule 1. But whatever, aside from those minor quibbles, I see a lot of good advice there. I don't think there's any way to write a one size fits all guide for just about anything, but this is still worth reading over and should give some people food for thought.

Good post.

[RickBulow74]

Well like he said before, there is no particular order for the rules to be in. He just said them in this order, and you can change them to whatever order you use.

[Timberwolf]

I'm just come to the opinion that honesty above all things, perhaps even more so in the Lifestyle than anywhere else, simply has to be the beginning.

But like I said still a lot of good info in there. Well worth the read.

[_ID_]

Mostly good advice.... the one that stuck out to me as wrong was....

There are other points of view on the
necessity of using safewords, but mine is the right one.

No view is the absolute right view in BDSM. I agree safe words are an essential part of BDSM, and should be used. Especially with people new to the experience. However his view, is not my view, and I don't completely agree with his opinion.

V/R
ID

[Warbaby1943]

Interesting reading

[Tojo]

Well it would be easy to pick holes in all that, but there's a lot of good advice IMO.

Some of it almost appears to have been written tongue in cheek- 'If you're nervous, fake it/ but don't lie?'

A lot of good advice though.


Tojo

[RickBulow74]

IDCrew: You are right about that, but I was interested in reading his rules that I did not bother to correct him on that.

Tojo: It might have been, but he is a wise man as far as I had seen.

[Ozme52]

And nothing more or less than one finds within the annals of this forum.

A nice compilation though.

[AdamPowers]

I agree, in all, it's a great intro with some very solid advice. Even if a new Dom takes half of that and actually applies it, they'll have a great start. Thanks for the read.

- Adam

[Aussiegirl1]

To me it made a lot of sense and I hope it is something a lot of new Doms will read.