how to get partner involved?

[lisab]

Hi!

Do you have any advice on how I can get my husband involved in some other than vanilla activities? I really want him to dominate me sexually, make demands, force me to pleasure him --and he's such a gentleman. Any ideas how I could convince him?

Thanks!

Lisa

[whippedcream]

Well, I suppose the first thing is you should talk to him and tell him what excites you. If he knows your interests and you’re comfortable talking it over with him, that makes it a lot easier.

If you have a specific fantasy, you could just be honest, and ask him to role-play it with you. Everybody played cops and robbers or something when they were young. I mean, I guess depending on your age it might sound weird to say, "Hey, how about we pretend I'm the maid and you caught me in the forbidden wing of your castle..." but that's really the only way he'll know what to do.

If you just want him to be generally dominant, but he’s shy about making demands, you could start by showing him a basic idea – tell him you want to take care of him, lie him down, and then make him feel really good. Some men who are excessively gentleman-ish feel like they’re imposing if they so much as ask for a blowjob, so that might help make it clear that you *want* him to demand satisfaction. Once he gets it through his head that it’s not selfishness or rudeness, he might be more ready to do what you’re hoping. Again, explaining it is key.

Of course, that's just my opinion. There are plenty of people here with more experience who might have better ideas. Good luck!

:o)

[fetish101]

Yeah, just talk to him about it. I doubt there's many guys out there that wouldn't like the opportunity to tell a girl what to do and she'll do it.

[Kelli]

That's how I was with my guy. Wanted him to dominate me so bad. I somehow brought up the topic one day, and it turned out that he loved to be dominant. He liked to have that control over someone, but didn't want me to think it was with everything. Definitely just talk to him. You might find out he has another side

[lisab]

thanks for your advice --I think I will talk to him and see if he wants to spend a weekend or part of a weekend at a hotel (so it would be neutral space), and bring along a bag of toys. We have some dildoes, vibrators, etc., but he hasn't really used them on me except spur of the moment.

One of the things that really excites me is the idea of me being his complete slave --that I would do whatever he wanted me to, no matter how humilitating, that he could choose what I was going to wear (if anything!), that he could have me be naked all day just to look at me, and make me do menial tasks while he watched and punished me when they weren't completed sufficiently. We've taken pictures and stuff like that before, but I would like it more ritualized --more prolonged, I guess. Weird situation, huh, trying to talk someone into dominating and coercing you?

[mystikal_in_KY]

Hey girl I hear ya it took me forever to bring up the subject but when I finally did..WOW it was worth it..Just wish I had done it sooner...He would probably love it to he just can't bring himself to mention it to you !!!

[Curtis]

Originally posted by lisab
Weird situation, huh, trying to talk someone into dominating and coercing you?

Weird yes, but it's been done. emmaadmirer did it to me.

[MrJerseyGuy]

I'd like to add my two cents worth...


I was at the point with my girl where I was thinking about confiding in my best (guy) friend that she was kind of boring in bed. I was upset because I love her dearly but the sex was a little dissappointing. It was she who suggested a little bondage one evening and it has only become better and better since. Whips, chains etc... I can't wait every week to see how much further I can take her.

Bring it up...you'll probably be surprised at the results

Good luck

[rallan]

Looks like there's not too much I can add, since just being open and talking about what you'd like to try is the best advice in town for this sort of situation. Although one good thing (assuming things go according to plan and your husband agrees to try it out) is to have another talk afterwards about how it felt. If he's the sort that's kinda worried about imposing on you, reassure him that you really enjoyed it. And more importantly find out how much he liked it, since it takes two to tango.



rallan

[AndrewBlack]

When you first play I would also recommend using safe-words, so that you can signal to him if he is reaching or overstepping your limits. That way, when you don't use them he will feel reassured that all is going well, even if you are crying out or in pain, he will know that you are OK. My girlfriend and I where discussing this the other day and agreed it would be fine as long as you don't have a memory like Dory from 'Finding Nemo' and forget the safewords!

[mica]

Don't know if i'm wording this right so bear with me on the questions. I fantisize daily, about being in a relationship where i'm a sub. I have been in several 50/50 (is there such a thing)relationships, but they bore me. I have only been with one man, that had any potential of being dominant, and controlling me the way I would like. We had a vanilla type relationship and ended up breaking it off. We however remained good friends and hung out quite a bit after, as just friends. One night I told him about what I was now looking to find in my next relationship. Someone that would essentially be my master and train me to be a sub. Later that evening he came up behind me and grabbed my arms and forsed me down on my knees. He pulled out his cock and ..... Then he took me to the couch held my arms behind my back and instructed me from there on in to do various things. I was told not to cum until he allowed me to. That night was special for me and I enjoyed it. Long story but here's the question. Next day he asked me if I liked our evening and I replied that I had very much. He then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't into it at all and wanted to just return to being just friends. What went wrong? How does someone like me go about finding out ahead of time if a man is apt to wanting to be in a dominating relationship?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Originally posted by mica
What went wrong? How does someone like me go about finding out ahead of time if a man is apt to wanting to be in a dominating relationship?

Nothing went wrong. He did something very nice for you and performed a selfless act for your enjoyment, not his.

The best way to find out your partner's interests is to ask. The best way to avoid losing a lot of time on relationships that aren't what you're looking for is to be up front about what you're looking for right away.

I write a section on onlie dating and relationships in the BDSM Library Dungeon but there's a lot of information there that can help with real life dating as well. Just apply the rules to your real life partners as they are writeen for online ones.

Most importantly, if you're serious about what you want, then don't stop looking. You will eventually find the right person for you.

[mica]

Thank you

[justlola]

I have to agree with the notion that you need to talk to your husband. You may find that he has always wanted to tie you up and torment you but, was afraid that you would yell, "Freak!" and run away. However, you should be prepared for him to yell freak too. It may not be his bag and if it isn't, there probably isn't anything that you can do to convince him otherwise.

[MrJerseyGuy]

The first time in my previously vanilla relationship that my baby suggested handcuffs...I got a hardon!