Trying to find myself

[Northern.Chill]

Hi everyone, I'm pretty new around these forums and after skulking around for the last little while I wanted to say a big hello and share a thought or question or two...

Let's start with who I am: I'm happily married to a fantastic guy and we have one beautiful daughter. My husband is 99% straight-laced and I love him for that. Every once in a while he'll get a little bit aggressive, and once or twice I've gotten him to tie my wrists, but he's vanilla and I'm ok with it.

And then there's me. I have never had the opportunity to really play with anything resembling BDSM (other than creepy offers from yucky online 'Doms').
Since I've been a little kid playing cops and robbers I've loved the though of being tied up and blindfolded/gagged. I can remember when I was no more than 8 or 9 experiencing for the first time some pleasant stirrings during a game of kidnapped with my best friend...yummy! But I've never been able to really do anything about my fantasies so that's all they've remained.
I know that actual physical experience isn't what makes someone a submissive, but I don't know if that's what I should really consider myself. I have a strong personality. I am a natural leader in group situations, and I like being responsible for projects. I am NOT someone who is socially submissive in any way. I might be shy around new poeple until I get a good 'feel' for them, but after that everything is normal. But then there's the bedroom...sex...masturbation...that's when I get submissive. I want him to tie me down and use me! I want him to make it hurt as much as he makes me purr! I want to be helpless and at his mercy! But only when we're intimate. Any other time and my personality comes through and I won't be bossed around. (Bad ex-boyfriend issues I think)
Because of these 2 different moods that I've got, I sometimes have a hard time with thoughts of BDSM. Since I'm usually on my own when my fantasies/wants are able to come to the surface I want to participate in the Academy, or chatting with a friend or two online. But that doesn't seem to do it. "Stand in the corner with a panty gag and share your thoughts and feelings..." I can't do it. It doesn't happen for me. At least not when I'm on my own - and that's the only way I'll be able to do it.
But I want it! Sexual submission gives me such a rush, a high...an orgasm!

I'm totally rambling and not really sure if I'm making any sense, but I felt like I needed to share my thoughts, and this would be the best place to do it. Thanks for listening,
Chill

[fantassy]

I totally know what you're talking about. My submission is strictly sexual as well, but have been fortunate to find an online Dom with a complementary interest. Welcome ! I hope you find yourself here.


fantassy

[vistana]

ditto on the strictly sexual submissive.
I dabbled in the Academy a little bit a while ago and could never really get into it either. some of the tasks seemed fun, but none of it made me feel submissive.

Welcom to the forums, and good luck finding an outlet for that submission, it is definitely a rush!

[Talia]

Welcome Northern.Chill,

Many submissives are strictly bedroom subs. There's no problem with that. The charactoristics you mentioned above probably discribe the mojority of submissives. Dominant personality...a leader at work..etc. It's at home or in the bedroom we let the submissive side take over.

From what I'm getting from your post, you might be looking for advice on how to talk to your husband about how you want more "force" or "aggression" when in the bedroom?

Communication is the key to any relationship...I'm wondering...have you shared your fantasies with him? Told him how you like his aggression? Or even how sometimes, you NEED it?