Are Dom's more sensitive?

[sub17]

Tonight I was flippant about something, on the phone and it ticked off my dom/fiancee. He had the tone of voice that he was p'd off and wished me a good evening. I called later to apologize and he forgave me, and explained that if I was with him (moving in a week) I'd get a spanking. I admitted quietly, that I deserve it, but his tone didn't seem to change much. THEN it dawned on me that I had hurt his feelings somehow and when I asked he tried to brush it off. So I kept asking, same result, so I assumed it was a yes. So I apologized for hurting his feelings. (Because I had truly not intended that) His tone began to change and we said goodnight with warmth. I sat and cried after hanging up.

Am I crazy? Somehow, somewhere in the mix, I seem to forget that he is a sensitive man. I mean, I knew he was, but I guess maybe I get to thinking that he is so strong, so this/that, that I forget. Is anyone else's dom/any other doms out there this way? I mean, I get that they have to be pretty sensitive to be a good dom and care for their sub/slave well...it's just that I feel damn awful. Being flip/non-submissive doesn't feel good anymore, or is it that I'm feeling bad for having hurt his feelings? How do other subs reconcile this?

[Mishka]

We should feel awful when our actions or words hurt someone we love, D/s or not.

I thought about being a mother. I adore them, I am in charge (they aren't spoiled or allowed to walk all over me), we have wonderful times together. And when they are sassy to me, or flippant, they need to be chastised. But sometimes my feelings get hurt by something they say or do. I'm, not immune just because I'm in charge.

While you're not a child, you and your Dom are a loving couple, and if you are flippant, or he is harsh (with his words, perhaps), you hurt each other's feelings.

I know I'm stating the obvious, but just because he usually has a handle on the situation, is "in control", doesn't mean your flippant remarks just show "disrespect". He feels pain, too. Just a different kind.

Sorry to ramble, I'm getting tired.

[Miraculix]

I am sure other subs will be more than happy to let you know how they deal with this kind of situations, but here is my 2 pennies: in a loving couple this is bound to happen. Many times. Where there is smoke, there is fire.

[Guest 91108]

sub17 , These types of things are likely to happen through the life of a relationship with anyone.
To me , what I read was you were sensitive to his needs even when he didn't mention it to you.. and that you pressed for more to know the truth to repair and damage you percieved is a very good sign.
No matter how strong or not a Dom or sub is.... there comes the words and sometimes actions that harm.. I am guilty too of not speaking much when something bothers me.. the more it bothers me the less likely I am to speak with the one I feel it involves until i resolve it internally.

I think you should be commended for being sensitive to his needs.

[sub17]

I never thought of it in those ways...
I found good article that articulates very well what I was feeling, maybe I will post it?

[Alex Bragi]

We should feel awful when our actions or words hurt someone we love, D/s or not.

I thought about being a mother. I adore them, I am in charge (they aren't spoiled or allowed to walk all over me), we have wonderful times together. And when they are sassy to me, or flippant, they need to be chastised. But sometimes my feelings get hurt by something they say or do. I'm, not immune just because I'm in charge.

While you're not a child, you and your Dom are a loving couple, and if you are flippant, or he is harsh (with his words, perhaps), you hurt each other's feelings.

I know I'm stating the obvious, but just because he usually has a handle on the situation, is "in control", doesn't mean your flippant remarks just show "disrespect". He feels pain, too. Just a different kind.

Sorry to ramble, I'm getting tired.

Sorry, I've got nothing to add, just thought this was worth repeating.

sub17, good luck with your move.

[cariad]

sub17, I don't really have anything of substance to add to what has already been said.

I remember when I was still establishing my own self image as a sub using flappancy as means to top from the bottom - just made him oh so cool and calm as he took control of the situation. Shudders.

I know that I have said things to Uncle which have upset him, and once I said something was really painful. That had been a flippant comment and I know that my intent was such. I am sure he also knows that intent, or I would probably not be wearing his initials now, but I hurt and upset him, and when I realised what I had done I was devistated.

I do not think he was being overly sensitive, he just has different sensitivities to the man with whom I live, and I had not learnt those.

I would not wish to be in a relationship with a man who was not sensitive; the chances are he would not be appreciative of my sensitivities and if he did not care enough about himself to be sensitive I think he would be a fairly uninteresting person to be with.

How do I deal with the situation when I have hurt my Dom's feelings? This is a personal answer, I am not saying that it is the correct way to deal with it.

As the horror of what I have done hits me I will feel absolutely terrible. I will then honestly and unreservedly apologise and ask for forgiveness. I have never known this not to be given, although often there is a period of coolness as he has to deal with his judgement of me. During that time I will have to struggle to remain open to him, because my natural instinct is curl up in a ball in a corner and cry my eyes out. In practice I normally do a mixture of both.

The positive is that this is followed by a time of reconcilliation and a realisation that we understand each other a little better than before.

Protect me from insensitive Doms, and protect me from being insensitive to their needs.

cariad

[TomOfSweden]

I'm going to the one Dom I know well, me. I'm very sensitive. I register far too much for comfort and it can really get to me. That's why I love having a slave. The games people play in "normal" relationships are just too much for me. It tends to stress me out and wear me down. I like being able to drop all my defences and focus 100% on what my slave is trying to comunicate. It's a double edged sword. Because when she's hurtful, it hurts so much more.

I think I'm good at pretending like I'm on top of everything and a cool dude no matter what, but it's all fake.

[cariad]

*wishing I could give Tom the biggest hug imaginable*

cariad

[master 327-834-200]

This kind of thread is what makes this site so valuable and worth being involved in.

Sensitivity is a key facet of any good Dom's makeup, IMHO, we must be sensitive to our partners needs and also their reactions to the games we play. The flip side is that we are sensitive in other areas too and it is in the times between the roleplaying and intense sessions that I feel it is easy for me to get hurt.

As with many issues raised on the site the key to resolution is communication and if you structure your relationship in a way that allows for periods of open and frank discussion where you each are on an equal level (as well as periods where someone is most definitely in charge and the other totally submits) then it should always be possible to resolve this kind of hurt.

Elsewhere in the forum Tom has mentioned that as players in BDSM we are probably more open minded than our vanilla brethren but we can still sometimes be just as awkward about communicating our feelings frankly for fear of the reaction of our partners or loved ones.

I don't know if that adds to the discussion but I hope it conveys my view.

PS: Of course Dom's are more sensitive! Did anyone think I could get through a post without being mischievous?

[poetic_justice]

As I read this thread I thought of something my parents had often said to me as a child "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"... and what a pile of bullshit that was.

Of course our Dom/mes are sensitive - but they're not sensitive BECAUSE they're Doms... they're sensitive because they're human beings. Sometimes words can carry as much punch as a swing to your head. And they can feel just as horrible.

It is good to hear that you and your Dom were able to work things out and that you parted with warm words and forgiveness. I am happy for you both. There will be times when you will annoy each other to say something to hurt each other - just make sure that you sort it out and apologise that day. Don't leave it until tomorrow to brew into something worse.

[sub17]

Well, I did it again.
I'm moving across the country with kids, quit my job, not much money, some ideas on what to do when I get there, but I've only been there once for a week. Saying goodbye to friends and family here, goodbye to my hometown and memories and pretty emotional. That plus the packing, change of address, new school info for kids, etc,etc,etc...I've been pretty uptight. I tried to explain last week, that this week would be crazy and I'd be stressed. Forewarned, so to speak. Ta da! I'm stressed and he wants to talk about sex all the bloody time it seems. Ok, I get that he needs me, and ya, I need him too, but when I've got boxes in my arms, kids calling me, things to do, I can't just drop things and be all sexy on the phone.
This has happened a few times and I've sat him down and explained it a few months ago (when he was here), then again on the phone and even forewarned him. Today, I don't know ~I just couldn't do it, I slipped and said "Here we go again". He got pretty mad, said that it turned him off. I just told him that he obviously didn't understand what I was going through and that if he chose to feel offended, then be offended. I hung up.

Yikes. I did call back, to no-answer...apologized for hanging up on him, said that I wasn't rejecting him, just under a lot of stress. Please call.
Now what? Does this make me a bad sub? Gawd, sometimes I just can't take anymore demands on my time/energy. I know that the whole point of moving is to be with him, so why do I feel like I'm screwing this up, yet feel resentful?

[Dorkalicious]

Well, I did it again.
I'm moving across the country with kids, quit my job, not much money, some ideas on what to do when I get there, but I've only been there once for a week. Saying goodbye to friends and family here, goodbye to my hometown and memories and pretty emotional. That plus the packing, change of address, new school info for kids, etc,etc,etc...I've been pretty uptight. I tried to explain last week, that this week would be crazy and I'd be stressed. Forewarned, so to speak. Ta da! I'm stressed and he wants to talk about sex all the bloody time it seems. Ok, I get that he needs me, and ya, I need him too, but when I've got boxes in my arms, kids calling me, things to do, I can't just drop things and be all sexy on the phone.
This has happened a few times and I've sat him down and explained it a few months ago (when he was here), then again on the phone and even forewarned him. Today, I don't know ~I just couldn't do it, I slipped and said "Here we go again". He got pretty mad, said that it turned him off. I just told him that he obviously didn't understand what I was going through and that if he chose to feel offended, then be offended. I hung up.

Yikes. I did call back, to no-answer...apologized for hanging up on him, said that I wasn't rejecting him, just under a lot of stress. Please call.
Now what? Does this make me a bad sub? Gawd, sometimes I just can't take anymore demands on my time/energy. I know that the whole point of moving is to be with him, so why do I feel like I'm screwing this up, yet feel resentful?

Honestly it doesn't seem like you were the one that caused the "problem". If he really is only thinking about sex, and his own gratification while you are in the middle of this big change and regular life, than honestly I think he had it coming.

I'm not sure how you are as a sub, or how he is as a Dom, but I think that when something like this is happening in either life that the other should take a step back and try to understand, without putting their needs first.

[TheDeSade]

I hate to take this stance, but sometimes I think Doms are lacking in sensitivity. TO many are so caught up in the macho "Domly" image that they thing be sensitive to their partners feelings, needs and wants will be seen as not Domly and Masterful. This tends to leave subs bewildered and frustrated.

and as to that Sticks and Stones thing. . . shouldnt that read "Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!

TDS

[nowgirl]

sub17 - in the situation you describe above: moving, kids, money, saying goodbye to friends & family... this is a stressful time for you both. doesn't he have as much responsibility to be sensitive to your situation during this time? whether D/s or vanilla, any loving relationship is about being there for the other person - not just sexually - but emotionally.

i hate that you're asking yourself if you're a bad sub. does this mean you're a bad person? NO. just because your relationship is D/s - does it mean it's only about sex? NO. he's not only your Dom, he's your fiancee and partner in life...

when i get super stressed, i tend to pretend to be wonder woman and hold everything in until finally i blow up. now, i try to talk things through, keep an open mind, ask for help... it's great that you're asking questions; hopefully, you're finding some of the answers to help you through this. good luck with all the changes in your life!!

[lily27]

sub17, you are not a bad submissive. Go look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that.

Everyone once in a while we have to take a step back and remember that we are not only submissives.... we are also mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, employees, co-workers, etc. There will always be times when our other roles have to take precedence over our D/s one. If only for a little while.

You are both about to make some serious changes in your lives. You are moving, which is always stressful, but if you are moving to be with him, this is also a big commitment for both of you. It is completely understandable if you are both on edge.

Now, more then ever, you need to communicate and attempt to understand each other. The transitions you are about to make will not always be easy... and you must work at turning towards each other, and not away.

I wish you both all the best...

[sub17]

Thank you for your posts. I appreciate them a lot!

He did call, I apologized for hanging up. Said he forgave me, but his
tone never wavered. Sounded like he was still angry. I asked if he wanted
to say something (give him a chance to vent) and got nothing. I asked
why his wall was still up if he forgave, and I've decided that I'm leaving him
alone for now. He has to tear down his own walls.

Normally, he is very sensitive and caring. I would never say he isn't. Just
that right now ~ well, maybe you are right, maybe we are both on edge and
I'm just the one showing it more.

Thank you for the comment about being a bad sub. I never want to be a
bad one. Your compassion/understanding is very much appreciated.

(I just miss him so much right now)

[Thrasher]

Sometimes I find that in a time of crisis the credit I extend to those that are around me can run out. Like when you're moving...
I personally am shocked at how tight this flexibility of mine really can be.
To extend the metaphor just a squinch: This is a great way to find out for myself what situations to avoid, and where the trade imbalance is becoming unsustainable.
To put it another way: for a straw to break a camel's back there has to be a lot up there already.
Hang in there.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

We often forget that we subs are dealing with real people here with our Doms. We somehow expect that they are supposed to always be strong and dominant and controlling of us or whatever. We don't see them as the sensitive people they can be. My Master is quite senisitive Himself. I've seen Him cry. I've seen Him in pain emotionally. Do I think of Him as anything less than a man? Absolutely not. I see Him as the multifaceted person that He is. Too many times we think that our Doms should be one way and only one way. We think that they are too strong to have their feelings hurt or to be in pain or to be sad. They are as human as we are.

[GearJammer]

How am I to ensure I deliver the pain (or whatever) she needs if I cannot "sense" it?

How am I to be sure that I know what she is thinking before she thinks it if I cannot "sense" her state of mind?

How am I to... (the list could be VERY long, but you get the idea).

A Dom, an actual Dom, is sensitive by virtue of being an actual Dom because an actual Dom senses things, feels things, takes things in.

A beater/whipper/spanker/tyer/flogger/orderer is not sensitive, he/she is only in charge. Big deal, whether they use the label "Dom" or not.

[gemmy]

Why wouldn't they be? lol

I think it would take a great deal of sensitivity, passion, perception and depth to be a Dominant. To know, grow and release in your submissive all inside of her that needs to come out - both good and bad - would take a very sensitive person.

Too many 'so-called' Dominants don't realize that part of the involvement in a D/s relationship. They don't know the great mental and emotional (not lust) aspect that is there and that can put a submissive in great danger of being seriously hurt.

So yes, I think they are and as a submissive, I'm very glad they are

[ChainsOfGonzo]

I think you're exactly right, sub17. My Master is really an incredibly sensitive guy, especially about is own missteps. He has been so consumed with guilt about a percieved mistreatment (which wasn't really that big a deal) that is cooled out D/s relationship for over a month.

But he is also far less likely than I am to express when he is upset. I think sometimes Doms feel like they are expected to be a pillar of strength for their subs, but everyone needs a shoulder. A good sub is strong enough to be that shoulder. The relationship, like any relationship, is a two-way street.

They're all just big softies.

[jeanne]

They're all just big softies.

LOL! That made me laugh...but it's true.

[Borgs_slave]

Dom's are human and do feel emotion. Sometimes we forget that the Dom is a human that is vulnerable to the same things that hurt us. Being a dominant doesn't make them exempt from feeling things. I can't serve a dominant that doesn't show some type of emotion.

[kitara]

I've had the same happen to me, and I said something without even realizing it would upset him; I guess there's this image that can be created with a Dom that they're totally immune to anything because they seem so strong and powerful to a submissive - but, like people have said above, they're just human, and have the same emotions and are just as readily hurt as everyone else is.

I've finally realize that, but it's sometimes hard too, they always seem so together - early on in our relationship I even found the idea of him crying strange hehe, but they're just as sensitive as everyone else, and that one of the main reason they can be so wonderful

[MissElizabeth87]

Perhaps your Dom is just as stressed out as you are, and sex is his way of relieving stress? That is kind of the way I am sometimes... I will get so stressed I stop worrying about Wellbehaved's needs and desires and get angry when he's not feeling up to it.

I also just wanted to agree that sensitivity is a very important quality in a good Dom/me, and in trying to be sensitive in that area often makes it very easy to slip into being oversensitive to others words and actions. Your Dom probably just needs a little time.

[Lady Hecate]

That is a really interesting question that i never really took much into consideration before.

It's really interesting that you ask that too, sub17, because just the other day i was having a conversation with a good Dom friend of mine, and i made a really flippant offhand remark as well.
i was also completely taken aback when he responded to my remark rather harshly. And like you, it also moved me to tears, because i had absolutely no intention of offending Him. The remark, truthfully, was not even really about him.
But, of course, if it offended Him that doesn't matter.

So yes, i agree that perhaps some Doms can be sensitive men.

[Alexis]

I think that when Doms are stressed a little beyond their normal stres level, they become considerably more sensative than average people do. Perhaps it i becaue they feel they shoul be in charge and in these instances realize that they are not as together as they would like to be.

[J-Go]

Worthy post and great replies.
I would like to think I’m a sensitive person, and even as a Dom I really don’t apologize for that. When I am hurt, particularly by someone I care for, I have a very difficult time hiding it. Now I could go on and on as to why I hurt and what is the real core of that pain and all that psycho-babble BS, but that’s not the point of the thread. Yes as a Dom I am sensitive it’s what makes me who I am and I think a big part of being a good Dom and partner.
Pain is a part of how we get to know each other and presents us with choices as to how to deal with a situation and how to move on in our life. If something someone I love is doing causes me pain this is an indication that we probably don’t see a situation from the same point of view, we now have the choice to discuss this or simply be hurt. If the issue remains unresolved, say said partner decides that what she is doing is not painful to me i.e. invalidates my pain, then too I have a choice. I can choose to hang in there and try to deal with it or I can move on to a different place or relationship so I no longer have to deal with the pain.
I think you did the right thing, you pushed him to be intimate and share his source of pain and even though you did not intentionally hurt him you owned the fact that indeed your words or actions hurt him. One of the sacrifices of a relationship is understanding what causes the person you claim to love emotional pain and try not to do that…no matter how “justified” you feel you are. I find it terribly offending when someone tells me “you’re being silly, that shouldn’t hurt you!” To me that’s just selfish in essence taking the stand “I’m gonna do what I want to do and if it hurts you that’s your problem” I’ll only hang in there with that hurt for so long, then I’m out…also part of being Dom I think.
Obviously I’m assuming healthy interactions here and certainly not addressing unreasonable hurts like, “it hurts me when you see your children” or “I’m paranoid when you leave the house”…whole different can of worms.
Antway GREAT job at choosing to communicate…keep it up!

[Ozme52]

In response to a very old post I once pointed out.

It is probably the hardest thing we do... We invest ourselves all too heavily in our submissives, whether formally or informally, we put all we are into them.

Sensitive? Would you really want us otherwise?