How important is the BDSM element for you?

[dynamicbuttler]

TOMOFSWEEDEN, Thanks. You're the only one who's sounded real on this so far.

[TomOfSweden]

TOMOFSWEEDEN, Thanks. You're the only one who's sounded real on this so far.

Here's a crazy thought. Maybe people are different.

[Dragon's muse]

Here's a crazy thought. Maybe people are different.

Wouldn't it be nice if the world, or even everyone on this forum, were ready for that concept?

[_ID_]

MY responses are being removed, so I'll leave this thread with something ANYONE can agree on and can't be taken as rationally offensive. If you don't know people outside of BDSM, you live in a fantasy world/clique and that is unhealthy. That's all I'll say.

It is also an opinion, and I don't believe how I live to be unhealthy. I know people outside of BDSM. I know quite a few actually. I don't call them friends.

[gagged_Louise]

IDCrewDawg: Not meaning to be obnoxious but doesn't this "full-on" view of a bdsm life mean that you pretty much give up plans of having a career at work, of adapting to new conditions, and decide to move only with people in the Lifestyle? If you're aiming to pitch for a career of some kind (and I'm not talking of being CEO or a big statesman, just a job with some influence of what you're doing and ability to earn some good bread) then you'll need to invite people over to your place sometimes without preparing for a week by stowing away the equipment and the pictures and a week after getting them up again, it works to be an approachable person. And sorry, in the mainstream world, people don't always see bdsm as a great commitment.
Some can understand it, fairly many will tolerate it as something you choose to do, but less than 5% I think, will feel comfortable with only hardline leathered sado-masochists around for a party every week. And if you're not making money comfortably then how do you intned to pay for your toys and get the time and money to buy a house and build your Dream Dungeon?

[_ID_]

IDCrewDawg: Not meaning to be obnoxious but doesn't this "full-on" view of a bdsm life mean that you pretty much give up plans of having a career at work, of adapting to new conditions, and decide to move only with people in the Lifestyle? If you're aiming to pitch for a career of some kind (and I'm not talking of being CEO or a big statesman, just a job with some influence of what you're doing and ability to earn some good bread) then you'll need to invite people over to your place sometimes without preparing for a week by stowing away the equipment and the pictures and a week after getting them up again, it works to be an approachable person. And sorry, in the mainstream world, people don't always see bdsm as a great commitment.
Some can understand it, fairly many will tolerate it as something you choose to do, but less than 5% I think, will feel comfortable with only hardline leathered sado-masochists around for a party every week. And if you're not making money comfortably then how do you intned to pay for your toys and get the time and money to buy a house and build your Dream Dungeon?

I dont find your question obnoxious.

I have a career, full time job. Just cause I don't associate myself with people outside of the BDSM community doesn't mean that I am dressed in leather, and carry a crop around with me all the time. I blend with the 'regular' crowd quite well. I do not plan on having people over to my house from work. I leave work at work. My friends that I have are not from work. I find it easier to leave work behind me by doing this. No 'shop talk' in my home, and a relaxed environment for me to enjoy my time, how I want.

If being able to make it in the world requires me to have work mates at my house, then I will not ever have the kind of job you think I will. I have always said, and continue to say "If your not happy doing it, why the fuck are you doing it?" I live by that attitude. I am happy in my current job, and my next job will allow me the same liberties.

As far as buying a house, and having my dream dungeon. I don't necessarily need to have stone walls, and cages to have a 'dream dungeon'. I do make money comfortably. Perhaps I don't live middle class, and drive a BMW or such things. I do however enjoy my current position in life enough to not feel the need to run the rat race to bigger pay, more prestige.

[Stone]

We all unique in our lifestyle be it d/s bdsm or vanilla what i do maynot be for the vanilla crowd or the d/s bdsm crowd. I do what works for me and i do not judge others. I have friends that are into the lifestyle and ones that are not. I think you can learn from everyone kinkster or not.

[~hellish one~]

I dont find your question obnoxious.

I have a career, full time job. Just cause I don't associate myself with people outside of the BDSM community doesn't mean that I am dressed in leather, and carry a crop around with me all the time. I blend with the 'regular' crowd quite well. I do not plan on having people over to my house from work. I leave work at work. My friends that I have are not from work. I find it easier to leave work behind me by doing this. No 'shop talk' in my home, and a relaxed environment for me to enjoy my time, how I want.

If being able to make it in the world requires me to have work mates at my house, then I will not ever have the kind of job you think I will. I have always said, and continue to say "If your not happy doing it, why the fuck are you doing it?" I live by that attitude. I am happy in my current job, and my next job will allow me the same liberties.

As far as buying a house, and having my dream dungeon. I don't necessarily need to have stone walls, and cages to have a 'dream dungeon'. I do make money comfortably. Perhaps I don't live middle class, and drive a BMW or such things. I do however enjoy my current position in life enough to not feel the need to run the rat race to bigger pay, more prestige.

very well stated. life is too short to waste it all away being unhappy. and if that makes you happy then it's right for you. the definition of happiness is different for everyone. you're happy...and not hurting anyone (unless of course they beg for it ~winks~) so what does it matter? lol

[Eponine]

To answer the question that started the thread, I don't know.
My first reaction was that I would go with the person who was compatible with me in all ways except BDSM.
But I know that in every vanilla relationship I've had, the lack of D/s in my life was always painfully lacking and I found myself searching for it.
Like TomOfSweden and maybe others, I cannot and never once have had an orgasm without a D/s fantasy or scene. Never. Although I feel that D/s is an intrinsic part of my being, I don't know how lucky I'll be to find a good mate, let alone one who is a true Dominant.
Most likely the best answer would probably be like cariad's- that if I can't have both, I'm better off with neither. Settling in any way just doesn't work out.
To address the issue of having friends and acquaintances outside of the Lifestyle- I have and enjoy both. And most of my vanilla friends do know about who I am and have no problem with it- and if they did, if they wanted to judge me, I'd have to say "see ya!"
But, I don't think it's closed-minded to not have friends outside of that circle- all people have a preferred choice of friends- whether it's those in the Lifestyle or those that are educated or those that have certain living standards, whatever... that's just someone's choice. Right? Right. I think most of us have expressed this already. I'm sorry. I'm being redundant. Well, heck, it's just an excuse to get spanked... oh, can you tell it's been too long for me? lol ;P

[ElectricBadger]

Interesting concept.

I don't think I'd really enjoy topping someone I don't respect and didn't want to interact with on a normal basis. Sure, it'd make for a great fuck buddy now and then, but that's all they'd ever be.

On the other hand, not being perfectly sexually compatible with someone is frustrating...but honestly, I think that's the state of most marraiges, even the good ones...my wife and I aren't always on the same level, and we're very much in love...so I'd have to go for personality.

Or go for the fuck buddy while I look for someone truly compatible...that would be alot of fun too!

[TomOfSweden]

I have a career, full time job. Just cause I don't associate myself with people outside of the BDSM community doesn't mean that I am dressed in leather, and carry a crop around with me all the time. I blend with the 'regular' crowd quite well.

Isn't this just down to semantics. I've got some close friends from New York and their definition of friend is radically different than what we in Sweden would refer to as a friend.

In Sweden the word "friend" is quite strong. It means basically that it some one you'd go out on a limb for, someone you trust without a doubt and who can trust you. Someone you would take considerable risk to save if needed.

As I understand it, in New York it just means someone you know. An aquintance. People who would stop and talk they would see each other in the street.

USA is big. I wouldn't be surprised if it's different between cities.

A New York girlfriend of a Swedish friend who lives there told me, "A thing I've noticed about Swedes, when they tell you they like you, they really do like you". Which off-course tells us more about New York than Sweden.

Same thing. Just down to semantics.

[Guest 91108]

yes many consider friends as too broad a sweep of a brush.
I classify most as acquaintances. friends are very few, actually in rl they are only a handful. Online friends are more , but the definition becomes more blurred.

[cariad]

Enthusiastically agreeing.

Friendship is something very special, and worthy of careful nurturing. It is a relationship which has withstood storms, and there is an unconditional acceptance of each other.

Acquaintances are people you know a little about, and whose companionship you find acceptable. Acquaintances are also prospective friends.

cariad

[suchaminx]

friends - I can't remember where I heard this but I think it sums up a 'friend'

A friend is someone who you can sit with all afternoon, not saying a word and walk away feeling like it is the best conversation you have ever had'

minxy xx

[Sir_Russell]

I loved the original topic of this thread. I have been a Dom a very long time, before the net finding subs was hard. You had to find someone that gave off a signal or maybe a smell of being submissive. Then came the hard part to test her to see if she really could be a sub. At first it was strictly in the bedroom that I was searching for but quickly my search became harder still because I want more control then just sex. Fewer and fewer possibles would pass the newer tests.

Testing was fun but today if she isn't atleast willing to try no matter how perfect she is or how much I feel for her I walk away. Since I want 24 7, careful with that term no one is all ways in total control, a vanilla will never be more then just a friend.

I am no longer interested in fuck buddies unless I am sharing them with her. morgan started with me having no real knowledge of the life, she had a small series of Tops that said they were Doms and yet could only do scenes with her and left her calling the shots. She is goregous and intelligent so topping from the bottom was easy for her. That alone took a lot of time and effort to show her how much more there is to my way of the life. I invested the time and now she wants a real 24 7 relationship with me.

I have rambled but with the choice presented I would continue to search to find (as I have) the one with wit, grace, love, and the submissiveness I have to have in a mate. Thank all the Gods and Goddess I have found her.

Russell

[_ID_]

Isn't this just down to semantics. I've got some close friends from New York and their definition of friend is radically different than what we in Sweden would refer to as a friend.

In Sweden the word "friend" is quite strong. It means basically that it some one you'd go out on a limb for, someone you trust without a doubt and who can trust you. Someone you would take considerable risk to save if needed.

As I understand it, in New York it just means someone you know. An aquintance. People who would stop and talk they would see each other in the street.

USA is big. I wouldn't be surprised if it's different between cities.

A New York girlfriend of a Swedish friend who lives there told me, "A thing I've noticed about Swedes, when they tell you they like you, they really do like you". Which off-course tells us more about New York than Sweden.

Same thing. Just down to semantics.

I don't consider acquaintances friends. Not a single one of you who has posted to this thread so far would I consider my friend.

Blending with people outside of BDSM just means that I am able to go shopping, or talk with people, and they not look at me and say 'wow is he ever different looking'. If someone I am talking with skirts the subject of BDSM, I pay close attention, cause I know there are others who like me enjoys being kinky. So the chance to meet these people can happen at anytime. Thus I don't alienate myself, I just don't include people outside of BDSM in my circle of associates that I would call friend.

I do agree with you though Tom, Americans use the term friend quite loosely.

[TomOfSweden]

I do agree with you though Tom, Americans use the term friend quite loosely.

It's not a question of using it losely, but communication. Any definition is fine, as long as everybody agrees on which to use.

But I do agree with you that people who are into BDSM understand more of human social dynamics. Which means that we're likely to have to do a lot more explaining when befriending the lesser enlightened.

It's like I constantly amaze people with my insights into work mates power-struggles and see clearly peoples petty motives for exactly what they are. I'm sure it's not a super-power. Rather just insights I've gained from playing it rough with ladies. Especially understanding what drives a submissive has been important for me.

I quickly understand what to do when a submissive man of the older generation is in a position of power, (= rarely a good thing). Or when I'm at a meeting and there's a conflict irrelevant to the task to be solved.