My D/s Philosophy

[MG_cleo]

This piece is based on personal choices, and comes from decisions and preferences which one person (me) has made in regards to their own D/s lifestyle. While it does not suggest that it is the right way for everyone, it is hopefully based upon some commonsense and logical ideas which others may find helpful in creating their own D/s philosophy.

It is my firm belief that everyone should have their own philosophy on D/s. This is of course true for almost anything in life: if you don't have a view, how can you say others are right or wrong or that what they are suggesting will suit you or not? By thinking carefully about the things that one is doing, or going to do, we can through our own knowledge and experiences create a philosophy for D/s which works for us, as individuals.

What is D/s?

"D/s is a lifestyle choice, Domination and submission, where people live their lives opting by nature to be either Dominant or submissive. In a relationship the one complements the other and is based on the gift of submission, and absolute trust"

While this is by no means a comprehensive definition I have tried to encompass the very fundamental ideas of a D/s relationship into it. It is the starting point for my own D/s philosophy.

My D/s philosophy starts with the premise that I want to live my life within the D/s lifestyle, in a long term, full time D/s relationship. D/s therefore impacts upon every facet of my life, and of course, other areas of my life impact upon my D/s.

An effective D/s relationship is in many ways the same as a good non D/s one. There are many elements within the relationship that both parties have either agreed, or accepted, as part of it. D/s can be very intense, and therefore it can touch emotions and sensitive issues more than a non D/s relationship does. The highs can be higher, and the lows can be much lower. It's a roller coaster ride in many ways, and without some forethought we may not be prepared for that ride. If we are, then it can be both rewarding, and exciting.

These days within D/s and BDSM circles most people will agree that a good relationship has its foundation within the parameters of safe, sane and consensual (SSC) practice.

No two D/s relationships are likely to be the same and so the ideas put forward here are very general. They are based upon what works for me and my slave, in which framework we have created a good, healthy, rewarding, and mutually satisfying relationship.

The important word for me is mutual: without either party gaining something which fulfils either their Dominant or submissive needs and desires it doesn't take long for what may have at first been interesting and all consuming to become unrewarding and frustrating. Simply giving all you have (in every sense) to another is not enough. Of course within the act of giving we can receive in other ways too; that is undeniable. A sub serving their Dom/me sexually, or in other ways, may well fulfil their inherent "need to serve" but it should be remembered that we are not 100% D/s people. People are intrinsically sexual animals. We do not use sex just for reproduction: we all have other needs served by sexual relationships, and as such to deny those creates frustrations which can become major obstacles in a relatively short time.

In its very simplest form a D/s relationship is about two people, one of whom is naturally Dominant, and the other submissive. Each will have shared goals in regards to fulfilment and each takes a part within that, mutually sharing the benefits. This is not unlike a dovetail joint. I often refer to "dovetailing" when talking about successful D/s relationships: If a Dom and sub "dovetail" well then it is likely their relationship will succeed. This idea may well be considered along with the overall thought that we ought to always operate "within the best interest" of the sub (or Dom).


Urban Myths Dispelled

What D/s is NOT, is a way for one person to force their choices and wants upon another in such a way that they receive a benefit but the other does not. Many people, when first encountering the idea of a D/s relationship find little flexibility within the roles they choose: they have to be Dominant all the time or they don't see themselves as really Dom. Similarly, with the submissive nature, if they are not being submissive to all and sundry all the time, they feel they may not be seen as truly submissive. This of course, when you actually think about it, is completely impractical. The submissive who is also a mother cannot sub to her children, or they will walk all over her.

When we say 24/7 D/s we don't mean that every hour of every day we are being Master and sub, and that we spend the whole time kneeling in submission or using the flogger. That's just not practical. The reality of D/s in a 24/7 environment is such that some days we may not even encounter any recognised D/s. Living in this day and age we often have to make the best of what we have: our working, family, or personal lives may well impact tremendously on our D/s.

Mutuality, Dovetailing and Triggers

Dovetailing was mentioned earlier as a way to describe how two people whose expectations and needs may well match. Along with this an effective D/s relationship must have mutuality. This might be defined as a form of reciprocal arrangement existing between the two people. In other words "I have something you want, and vice versa". D/s is about an exchange, whether it be physical or mental exchange, and the better the exchange, the stronger the relationship will become. Having said earlier that it is not always possible to enact a d/s relationship all the time it often helps to find what we describe as triggers.

Triggers are exactly that: little acts or words which to anyone else might seem innocuous, or unnoticeable but to those within an effective D/s relationship can speak volumes about their respective roles. One example might be: in public, a Dom can place their hand on the neck or shoulder of the sub, which can say "I am here sub". It's not unusual for couples to touch, or be close in public, and as long as both parties know and understand what the trigger means, their D/s can be continued through means of these personal signals thereby reinforcing roles even in situations where public demonstration may not be an option.

Triggers can be many and varied: some thought about this will soon find lots of possibilities.

Effective Communication

All relationships rely on good communication. If each person cannot find ways to tell the other what they want, or like, or not as the case may be, how can the other person know. Communication is a fundamental building block of a good partnership. Not only that, the communication should be encouraged and every effort made to understand what is being said. if we don't understand straight away, then use those lines of communication to find out. By understanding what someone is telling us we very often can deal with, or resolve awkward situations far earlier, or avoid problems completely. If we don't do that, little problems can easily become big ones, and to such an extent that communication itself becomes impossible, and relationships become strained or may even fail altogether.

Communication between Dom and sub should be open, honest, frank and respectful. By respectful I mean exactly that, however being respectful does not mean that by virtue of their position in the relationship the sub is in any way gagged (metaphorically speaking of course) or afraid to speak their mind. the relationship in whatever way it is conducted should allow for communication in both directions. While the Dominant is given an agreed level of control consensually by the submissive, that control must never be used to stop communication, or to allow the sub to put forward concerns or views. At the same time those views must also be listened to, and understood.

The Dom who knows everything doesn't exist, and nor does the Dom who cannot learn from their submissive. Too many who enter this lifestyle start with the belief that "Dominant = Know All". How wrong can they be?

Types of Relationship

There are as many "types" of relationship as there are relationships themselves, each one is unique, and different. Some people prefer "online" only i.e. they conduct their D/s on the computer, others mix online and real life, and of course there are those who live the lifestyle full time. Some will prefer to have part time relationships, or even casual ones, without any firm commitment whereas again, some need the stability of a long term one on one relationship.

I think it's also worth noting that if one meets a D/s partner on the internet; the dynamics of the relationship are very different to those of a real life one. Many will find that the net leaves them wanting more, and move from online to real life. Not always of course, but certainly in many cases. The first step from online is to "meet", and meetings can be on a regular basis at various intervals: weekly, or monthly, or whatever suits. If one is honest, and it is my very firm opinion, one day a week, or the weekends, does not constitute a full time relationship; one can clear the decks for a weekend, and once the partner has left return to ones normal life, with little or no indication of any kind of D/s being there. Of course for some this is fine, and if they choose that, and it works, then good luck. For me, there is nothing like the commitment of every day making things work, together through the good and bad.

24/7 D/s Reality

My D/s reality is that of making the D/s as high a priority as possible, although this does not, and cannot always happen. Pressures of work, and life in general as well as kids, and bills and all the rest of life's nasty stuff have a way of obscuring the D/s that we plan and hope for. Within that if you are living in a 24/7 relationship the D/s never really goes away. You cannot run and hide from it, or go "offline" for a few days. You still have to look your partner in the eye and work together to do all the non D/s things. You also have to accept that while you both may not agree on certain things (either D/s or not) that you are still Master and sub, and as such there is a scheme in place which should always come to the fore. A good Master has to listen to and consider the feelings and thoughts of his sub, and similarly the sub should do the same. By working as a team you will find that your relationship becomes stronger every day, and it is far easier to keep the roles you have chosen without losing sight of the practicalities of living daily life.

Understanding the Other

It's important that we try to understand the feelings and thoughts of our partner: this may not always be easy because by definition in most cases our natural and inherent tendency is very much the opposite from our partner. How can a sub think like or understand the mind of a Dominant, and vice versa? Well, by good communication we can go at least some of the way. Understanding what makes our partners "tick" not only helps us to understand their thoughts and feelings it can help with creating better interaction leading to better and more fulfilling relationships.

Very often a simple question such as "How did you feel when I did that?" or "What does that do for you?" can give a great insight to the mind of the partner. Acting on that gained information creates ways to enhance a scene, or situation, making it spark more, for both. Each feeds off the other.

Moving Forward

My philosophy is also dynamic, and therefore remains a "work in progress" which evolves as it develops.

For example, since I first wrote this piece, my slave cleo has suffered a stroke (in November 2005) and therefore, much of what we did prior to that is less easy to accomplish because of the physical challenges that she now faces.

That does not mean that we have stopped our D/s, by any means, but it is much harder to achieve certain ends as a result. We now find that a more mental approach is required, but that is not always so easy. However, as she moves forward in her rehabilitation I am confident that we will both maintain and build on the relationship we have.

Be Well, and above all, Be Safe

MG

[Hime]

Wow, that's a really good post.

I always admire when people take the time to think about the choices they make. Also, thank you for pointing out that we subs are not submissive to EVERYBODY. Most of the time, it pisses me off when someone tries to dominate me -- like when my boss makes me do administrative work that I wasn't hired for (answer your own damn phone!!!) or when guys in clubs think they can touch me and talk to me however they want.* I've actually heard that most submissive people are those who greatly value being in control in the rest of their lives -- that's what makes it so special to be able to give up control and deeply trust another person.

*I swear, some days I really want a t-shirt that says "Who died and made you Dom?"

[^firefly^]

MG_cleo,

I'm impressed at all the thought you put into your post...I find reading post like this one helpful, in that they give me a better understanding of how others view D/s, and sometimes, even give me a little insight into my own thoughts and desires.

And Hime, if you ever get shirts like that made...I'd buy one!

[Eponine]

MG,

I also really enjoyed reading your post. I'm curious as to what prompted you to write it?

I agree wholeheartedly with your view of D/s relationships being more intense, "and therefore it can touch emotions and sensitive issues more than a non D/s relationship does. The highs can be higher, and the lows can be much lower."

I have always felt this way- that a D/s relationship involves so many more levels of intricacies of emotion. Subspace, for me, is a reflection of that- the physical sensations bring me to that point of a transcendental meshing of spiritual and bodily feelings. The pain itself, mixed with the utmost control given to the Dominant, takes me to a plane higher than I think I could ever reach in a vanilla relationship, no matter how intense.

I was especially happy to read your words because they come from a Dom.
Actually, i didn't initially pay attention to your status as "Master to my slave", and only towards the end of the post when you mention Cleo as your slave, did I realize I was reading the thoughts of a Dom, which gave me renewed faith in Dominantkind, so to speak.

Although I've been lucky to serve great Doms and Dommes in the past, none of them have ever been so verbal on their thoughts and I really appreciated reading ideas from a Dom that are so similar to mine as a sub.

Thanks!

[TomOfSweden]

Good post. I think it sums up my views quite well. In my experience, a non-D/s relationship is most often charecterised by a constant and never ending power struggle, that is only a waste of energy and time. Even people who don't want power still seem to fight for it. In a D/s relationship we've done away with it. We've in advance negotiated in a open and honest way how we want the power dynamic to work, and there's just a lot less stress all around. I love it.

[cariad]

[QUOTE=TomOfSweden;251915]We've in advance negotiated in a open and honest way how we want the power dynamic to workQUOTE]

I would add another phrase there Tom, and say that having agreed how the power dynamic is to work, both parties are then fully committed to each other in making it work; which is why topping from the bottom can be so destructive.

cariad

[tessa]

Thank you, MG, for putting your thoughts together in such an eloquent way and then sharing them with us.

tessa

[Rhabbi]

MG,

Excellant thoughts, not exactly the way I would say it, but you covered the main points. You may have inspired me to write out my thoughts on the subject for the benifit of my friends and subs. We have differences of opinions, but the underlying phiosophy of mutual consent is the basic ingrediant of any relatiionship.

[MG_cleo]

This Girl asked what promted me to write the post...

I believe that we should all think very carefully about how we approach and live our chosen lifestyle. It matters not whether my ideas, or someone else's are not the same. What matters is that we should have some position from which we are recognised and upon which we can build. Furthermore, I think that having some kind of set "philosophy" enables a prospective partner, whether Dominant or submissive to know better what you are about in terms of any possible relationship. I started writing it some time ago, and have added pieces here and there, but the basis of it was written a couple of years ago when I decided that to be able to set out my own thoughts about MY D/s would enable me to be clearer in my mind, as well as allowing others a clearer view of how I think about the lifestyle.

Imagine, as a sub, if you were talking to a Dominant and he produced some form of document that laid out His philosophy about the lifestyle; now wouldnt that make the decision about pursuing a relationship easier to make?

The same goes for a Dominant; if a sub presented you with their philosophy about their views on the lifestyle, the same would apply.

Maybe this is something we should all do? What i did find was that when writing it, the exercise enabled me to analyse how i felt about the lifestyle, to question some pre-conceived ideas I had, and to develop my own personal D/s style. I honestly believe that i am better for having done that.

I would add a thank you to all those who have replied for your kind words in response to the original post.

be well, and safe

MG

[Eponine]

You make a great point, MG, people in areas, especially D/s, need to know where they stand, what they want, and how.

I have had to think on this many times myself, in my experiences so far- every Dom/me I have served has given me the assignment in one way or another of defining submission- which led to thinking about D/s in general.

Thanks again!