D/s and life

[nk_lion]

Hey all,

Sorry if this has already been talked about, I haven't seen anything yet to answer my question.

I'm curious about the non-sex related stuff for couples who are in a D/s relationship. Would the sub always be a sub outside the house? Or when other people are around? What about decisions that have to be made be couples that are living together (buying a house, or fridge)? I'm just curious on how people in relationships are living day-to-day.

Thx in advance

[TomOfSweden]

So what do you want to know? My slave is a 24/7 slave. As far as we know this is all normal. I decide everything. Every last little detail about her life, and we're both happy.

[cariad]

Tackling part of your question anyway, regarding buying houses and fridges - particularly since we have just done both.

In both cases I did the research, because I have more time than he does, prepared a short list, told him the basis on which I had prepared it, and made recommendations from it.

In the case of the house, we went around a few together, and discussed the pros and cons and implications, and he made the final choice. Throughout the purchase process I did all the negotiations, again because I had more time, but I kept him fully informed and told him in advance of any decisions I would have to make, and he ratified these.

In the case of the fridge, I went through the same process of drawing up a short list and explaining the criteria, this time he said he was not particularly interested and trusted me to make the right decision.

All of that was very easy.

What was much much harder from my point of view was when he wished to borrow my car keys. That was fine, but he took them off my keyring so they would not take up so much room in his pocket.

When I came to go out the following day, and could not find my keys for a while, and broke a finger nail trying to get them back onto my ring, and then was nearly late I felt far from submissive and really had to struggle not to say something pointed when he came home. In fact I was so upset about it - beyond the point of being rational, that I did not say anything for a couple of days until I could be objective. Then I told him the problems I had had and left it with him, to hopefully not do the same next time.

cariad

[Dragon's muse]

Hold on to your hat, but every relationship is different. Different couples have differing levels of control. It is a matter of what works best, trial and error. What meets the needs of the people involved and serves the relationship.

You would probably get as many different answers to this question as their are D/s couples.

just a simple subbie's tuppence, your mileage may vary.

[MG_cleo]

Greetings nk_8950

In our D/s relationship, my slave cleo has given me the right (among other things) to control her, and therefore our lives. This includes such things as finances, what she wears, where we go, how and when we do things etc. etc.

In return for that trust I assure her that EVERYTHING I do, I will always do in her best interests. That doesn't mean sometimes, that means always. Now, of course "in her best interest" may not always mean giving in to her wants and desires, and she is very aware of that too. The trust which we share cannot be created overnight, it has to grow, and be proven over time. In our case so far that is nearly five years 24/7, and just over one year as husband and wife (we married on the 14th February last year, just 3 months after cleo suffered a very dense stroke and she is now partially paralysed). The fact that she is physically challenged in a sense enhances her reliance upon me, and in many ways it has strengthened this aspect of our relationship.

Perhaps at this point it is worth looking at what is the difference between D/s and BDSM: in a very simple nutshell (in our D/s at least) , D/s is WHO we are, and BDSM is WHAT we do. So the sexual side of our relationship as well as the play and scening would for us come within our BDSM. The D/s side (although we prefer the term M/s now, referring to Master and slave) is about how we work together on a mental level. Now, in all that we do, I discuss things with cleo, we have no secrets. So in family finances for example, although I have the final choice, I would rarely make that choice without talking to, and getting cleo's input.

Cleo never carries money, and even if we are out shopping, if she wants something specific, she must ask, and I will either agree or not to the purchase. If I say "No", then while she may be upset she will accept the decision as she has given me the right to make that choice on her behalf. (This of course fulfills her need to be controlled, which is a basic submissive trait)

Now, she is also a 52 year old mother of 2 children who live with us, and who are more or less aware of our lifestyle choice. They are not my children, and therefore who am I to tell her how to look after her kids? There are two things to note here: first that we never force our lifestyle on the children, and second that they see their mum happy and fulfilled, and know that we are good for each other. Children are often the best test of a relationship of this nature because they KNOW when their parent is happy or not. I have worked hard to build a relationship with the children because they are not mine, and because cleo has trusted me with their wellbeing too. That is a massive responsibility, and one which has weighed heavy on me many times, but which I have accepted, and along with the welfare of my cleo I do my utmost to maintain each and every day.

Sex is the icing on our cake, but is not the cake itself: the cake is the fundamental knowledge of who we are and how we interact together. You cannot make beautiful icing if you have no cake.

Finally I would add that too many people enter into relationships expecting D/s and BDSM to happen from Day 1. That is impossible in my view. Before any kind of D/s or BDSM happens we must ask ourselves the question: Do I like this person, as a PERSON? Only then, and if the compatibility is there, can a real 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship begin to be built. Even then it takes time, a great deal of effort, much patience, and many upsets along the way. If you come out the other end you will be both stronger and more fulfilled than you have ever been before.

Regards

Be well, and above all, Be Safe

[nk_lion]

Wow, that was a quicker response(s) then I expected.
Thanks, I think I kind of get the idea.

[Warbaby1943]

I would hate to think a sub has no input regarding any important decisions. Actually I would hate to think of sub's opinion not meaning anything to their Dom/me no matter what the subject.

A slave now could be a different situation. I personally would not want a slave.

[Sir_Russell]

I somewhat agree with warbaby my slave opinion is respected since I respect her intelligence. Yes she consiiders herself a slave but that doesn't mean that I can't use her considerable intellect in finding solutions to problem and issues.

Final decisions are mine in all things but considering that she is a RN a dating coach and therapist when it comes to medical I will go with recommendations every time.

Russell

[Eponine]

What was much much harder from my point of view was when he wished to borrow my car keys. That was fine, but he took them off my keyring so they would not take up so much room in his pocket.

When I came to go out the following day, and could not find my keys for a while, and broke a finger nail trying to get them back onto my ring, and then was nearly late I felt far from submissive and really had to struggle not to say something pointed when he came home. In fact I was so upset about it - beyond the point of being rational, that I did not say anything for a couple of days until I could be objective. Then I told him the problems I had had and left it with him, to hopefully not do the same next time.

cariad

Cariad,
I have to say I _really_ appreciated reading about your struggle there. It kind of speaks to the "when you don't feel like being submissive" topic, but it was so specific, it was good to see other subs go through these emotions too.

And nk_8950, i'm glad you asked the question because it's something i've wondered about too, never having been a very long-term 24/7 relationship, and it brought out some really insightful, good stuff from others.

[lily27]

We are still quite new, and continue to work out all of the details. We live seperate lives (as in I have my own house, etc.), so I still make the vast majority of my own decisions. But I often turn to him for guidance, support, and advice. He has helped me pick out things such as coffee makers, and cell phones.

As we progress, I fully expect our relationship will be quite similiar to that of cariad. My opinions and ideas are always listened to and considered... but in the end, the final decision lies with Him. And that suits me just fine.

[Binder]

My maye is keeping a blog about her venture into 24/7 D/s.
http://i-am-maye.livejournal.com/
I've also sent her a link to this thread so she can give you a few thoughts of her own.
It's had it's trials, but I've never been more happy, and neither has she.

[maye]

As you have noticed, each and every relationship is different. There's no "cookie cutter" answer to your question. i can share with you my thoughts and feeilngs nd asabout my own personal submission, and hopefully with that, you will find some
of what you are looking for.

i am new to this community, and as you all will see in time, i'm either long-winded or "one-liner" blunt. There is no middle ground. i think this one may get long-winded.

i am submissive 24/7, inside our home and outside our home, alone or in a crowd of people, around friends and family. However, the physical "display" of my submission is tailored to allow for any and all situations.

For example, one of my rules at home is to ask permission before leaving the room. That's all well and good when Binder and i are the only ones in the room, however, if our kids are present, or anyone else for that matter, the way i ask permission is different. Instead of saying "May i", i just need to let Him know where i'm going and why. "May I go start dinner?" would translate to "i'm going to go start dinner - do You need anything before i do?" when others are present.

Another rule i have to is kneel when He enters a room. Most times, before He comes home from work, i am able to scurry away from the children to our bedroom, strip naked and He finds me kneeling or presenting myself in the floor. If for some reason this is not feesible, i am to bow to Him when He enters a room. The next phase of that, just depending on who else might be around, is to subtly bow my head with eyes toward the floor until He acknowledges me.

In public, we are always touching each other in some way, be it holding hands, or me holding his arm. i don't wander off by myself. If there is something i would like to go look at, say at the mall, then i ask Him if i can. He then takes me to look at it. i speak to others, store associates for example, only if they speak directly to me. He is the one who does all the talking. If there is something that needs my input, i do not offer it until He looks at me, giving me permission to. On the other hand, if it's something He knows nothing about, or doesn't particularly care about, i do all the talking. In the end though, when i say "Do You like this one?", that is the signal for Him to give His permission or not. If He were to say no, then it would be no.

If a friend asks me to lunch, i tell them "let me check my schedule and i'll get back to you". This buys me time to ask permission from Him. Even if it something that i know He won't mind, i still ask permission, or at the very least make Him aware of it, since He is to know where i'm at at all times.

In short, it's me being conscious of the fact that every word, every thought, every action is a reflection of Him, not only to His face, but in my mind as well. i am loving, respectful, and obedient when He's around, as well as when i'm with a group of girlfriends. i don't sit around and do the "male bashing" thing. Although, He wouldn't know if i did, i just don't do it. That, to me, would only be "role playing".

submission, for me, is a mindset; a personality if you will. It is not something i turn on and off as i please. i am submissive in my mind first. my body then follows that path of submission. i am submissive in each room of His house, not just the bedroom. i am submissive no matter who is around, not only when we are alone and naked.

[Binder]

Good girl.
You make me proud to have such a lovely loving submissive as yourself.

[TomOfSweden]

I somewhat agree with warbaby my slave opinion is respected since I respect her intelligence. Yes she consiiders herself a slave but that doesn't mean that I can't use her considerable intellect in finding solutions to problem and issues.

Final decisions are mine in all things but considering that she is a RN a dating coach and therapist when it comes to medical I will go with recommendations every time.

Russell

I thought I'd add that we have the same situation in our house. I have the last word always, but my slave is a lot smarter than me and more educated, so I'd be a fool not to listen very carefully. I've got no problems with it. With any luck I might learn something

[cariad]

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I don't care if he is male, Dom or what....just occasionally, about once a month I NEED chocolate. When, since he is going to the shops anyway, I ask him if he will get me some, the right action is NOT to return with grapes telling me that they will be healthier.

Fortunately for all concerned he is now 1000's of miles away.

cariad

[Guest 91108]

oh my. all that over chocolate? chuckles.

warrior side coming out ?

[cariad]

*Growls*

[Guest 91108]

I do so like to hear the sounds of certain women.

[nk_lion]

Maye, your blog is awesome. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but its really interesting to see what goes on in your day to day life.
Cariad, once a week, I jog to a store close by to get my gchocolate, the exercise kinda negates the unhealthy part of chocolate. (I don't know how you can go with just once a month).

[Stone]

We discuss financial matters and decide them logically,but as far as where to go to eat and normal everyday things i decide for the most part unless i make her choose or ask for suggestions. Around friends and family we do and say stuff in code so they dont know certian words letters or the looks we excahnge.