A question of tenses

[anonymouse]

These are the opening two paragraphs of a story I have in mind:

Abelton Ranch provides the ideal setting for a ‘slave hunt’. The ranch is situated more than two hours drive from the nearest town, and the trip must be navigated along a dirt road, through forests and gorges of pristine wilderness. That wilderness extends to cover the entire ranch’s two thousand acres, except for a five acre cleared block near the access road and front gate. In days gone by, this block had been used to graze horses of the loggers who once roamed the hills and valleys of Abelton. More recently, a private guesthouse was built there.

It was a brisk, spring morning on the Saturday Belle and her husband David arrived at Abelton Ranch. David led Belle by the hand through the small car park to the guesthouse.

I want to continue in this past perfect tense, but this doesn't feel right if I use it in the opening paragraph. Help!

anonymouse

[Ozme52]

If you clearly "change" the tense when the story goes from narrator to character narration... When someone says "I"


...but other than that, I wouldn't do it too often.

[cariad]

Seems acceptable to me - you are saying that the setting is still current, but the action is historical.

cariad

[anonymouse]

Thank you both for your thoughts. Since posting, I've Googled grammar + tense and found this helpful guide.

I think I'm happy with the transition from:

Abelton Ranch provides (is)

It (Abelton Ranch) is ... and the trip must be

That wilderness (covers)

In days gone by (had)

More recently (was built) -> into 2nd paragraph

It was (when)

"To tense, or not to tense..." - heh

Thank you again,

anonymouse

[H Dean]

You can also set the initial portion up as a prologue.

[anonymouse]

Thank you for the 'prologue' suggestion, Dean

[ElectricBadger]

Not bad at all, Anon, and a very good start. The tense is fine and consistent, although an unusual one to read for an entire story (which is no doubt why you're using it). It's always felt to me like a transitory turn of phrase, and so always leaves me expecting that transition to finish in the present.

I see two issues that interfere with the introduction. The first sentence is awkward; it introduces the 'slave hunt', but doesn't explain what it is, nor why it's in quotes, thus implying a sarcastic, derisive, or negatory tone: "I'm always the 'mature' one." But none of these apply, as presumably this really is, in fact, a slave hunt. Introduce what you describe, and describe what you introduce, or you'll simply confuse the reader.

Secondly, the voice changes a great deal from the first paragraph to the second because the first doesn't use any action verbs: there's is, had been, was, etc. The most intense verb is "Navigated." Introduce tension and drama from the start, in the description if you can: "The two thousand acres of the Abelton ranch had been torn from wilderness and natives with generations of blood and sweat" or, if you prefer, start with the plot action and introduce the setting as it becomes appropriate.

[anonymouse]

Many thanks for your reply, Badger. There are a lot of good ideas in it, not just for this story, but for my writing generally.

anonymouse

[MMI]

The only changes necessary from my viewpoint are

1. "... guesthouse was built ..." --> "... guesthouse had been built ..."

2. Separate these two paragraphs by more than one line, maybe even putting some kind of separation mark in thus: - o 0 O 0 0 - (This suggestion can safely be ignored - it is similar to writing para 1 as a prologue.)

The change from perfect tense to imperfect is abrupt and effective: why go back? Continue using the imperfect tense so you have the perfect to fall back on if you need to refer to ideas that happened before the action taking place. Otherwise you'll need to use a much more surprising tense (pluperfect, I think) and you run the risk of confusing your "have had's" with your "had's" and "had had's"

[anonymouse]

Otherwise you'll need to use a much more surprising tense (pluperfect, I think) and you run the risk of confusing your "have had's" with your "had's" and "had had's"

Yes, and it's a devil of a job to rewrite the tenses of an entire story. I speak from experience -- heh!

anonymouse