Need

[jeanne]

I’ve become obsessed with your belt.
You know - the one you wear to work every day.
The thick, wide strip of leather that sits
coiled on the dresser until you get dressed in the morning.
To you, it’s simply a thing, useful in its purpose, nothing you pay attention to
except when you put it on and take it off.
To me it’s alive
dreaming, waiting, wanting to fulfill its true nature of inflicting pain.

I stroke it every morning with trembling fingers
I, too, am
dreaming, waiting, wanting…



This is the first thing I've written since I was a kid that other people have seen. It just burst out of me on the way to work yesterday - and it is autobiographical Comments, criticism are most welcome - please be kind when you tell me how bad it is!

[Clevernick]

Wow -- that totally worked for me! Brought me into a space I didn't know existed.

Since you want criticism too, I wonder if some of the longer lines could be shortened without losing their impact. If I were a teacher and I knew anything about poetry, I'd challenge you to write that same poem in, say, 60 words. If that's impossible, see how few you can manage.

But don't eliminate the repetition. Repetition is good. Eliminate instead the parts the reader would have filled in mentally anyway.


From another newbie writer. (Who includes a belt in his story BTW)

[jeanne]

nick - that's exactly right I think, some of the sentences could be shorter. I like repetition too, sort of the rhythm and symmetry of it. I'll spend some time with it, maybe post a revised version in the next few days.

Thanks so much for reading it and for your input - have a great day!

[tessa]

You stroked me with your words, jeanne. Oh, yes you did.

Beautiful. I am so glad it burst out of you and into us.

tessa

[^firefly^]

his_j,

I really loved this poem (not in the least because I have my own obsession with belts). I think you chose some good concrete details to really help me see how *you* (the narrator) sees the belt.

Just a couple of suggestions (and if you do decide to revise this, I'd love to see the revision...please???):

Word choice: You make some excellent ones (I love the image of the belt "coiled" on the dresser) but I think you could shorten some of the lines and strengthen them by eliminating a few (unnecessary?) words (In the fifth line, scratch "simply" and possibly reword "nothing you pay attention to" as "unworthy of your attention" and making the sixth line redundant as you've already mentioned that the belt is only "useful in its purpose"?)

You might also consider using the commas on the 5th line as good places to break up that line, too.

But that's just my few little nitpicking observations. If they don't work for you, please, please ignore them and keep your poem intact. In all honesty, it really is good "as is"!

And I really, really hope to see a few more poems from you in the future...*giggles* Have you ever thought about gags? The poetry contest can always use a few talented writers!

[jeanne]

Thanks to you all - it appears that there is agreement on how to improve this, so here's my next attempt...

-------------------------------------------------

I'm obsessed with your belt,
the one you wear every day.
Thick, wide strip of leather
coiled on the dresser until you need it.
For you, it’s a thing, not worth your attention
except when you put it on and take it off.
For me, it’s alive
dreaming, waiting, wanting to fulfill its real purpose
Inflicting pain.

I stroke it with trembling fingers
I, too, am
dreaming, waiting, wanting…

-------------------------------------------------


A little better, I hope!

[Clevernick]

Much better! It has more impact this way, and without looking back, I can't tell what you took out!

And it's down by nearly 25%!

[jeanne]

Thanks! That's what I was hoping for, no loss of the ultimate emotion, which I guess for me is...wistfullness, almost.

[jeanne]

Have you ever thought about gags? The poetry contest can always use a few talented writers!

Unfortunately, I know nothing about gags! No personal experience at all (sigh)

talented... wow, you sure did stroke the fragile ego there - thanks!

tessa - I'm glad you liked it - I have enjoyed your writings also, especially in a "oh my god that's hot" way! Very descriptive!