Question about love in lifestyle

[Belatu]

My girlfriend and I have played around before, with kinky sex and such, tieing each other up, and just having fun. Both of us have also been interested in a m/s relationship for a while now, and I have been doing alot of research about it. I have a little experience in doing scenes with other girls I was with, but now she and I want to make it more of a 24/7 sort of thing. Where it wouldnt be just play, but she would be my property.

My problem is that I love her a great deal, and often times that conflicts with me trying to punish or discipline her. She says she enjoys being my slave a great deal, and I feel like being her dom is just an expression of how I feel for her, but I was wondering if any of you could maybe give me advice on creative punishments I could give her and/or how do deal with any guilt I might feel after for hurting the woman I love. Even though I know she wants to be disciplined and taught how to be a good slave, I am afraid of becoming abusive towards. . .How do you know when you have crossed the line?

[Mobius]

There is a web site that I found that I am not sure completely covers your question but may have some merit for you to look at.

It is the B.E.S.T. Training method
it can be found at this link
http://www.bestslavetraining.com/Welcome.htm

There is allot of information about slave training and how to seperate your emotions from your slave training.

I can neither recomend it or condone it as I have no slave to try it with
At the very least it could be an interesting read
Mobius

[wannabeXopsed]

I have to agree with Mobius that web site is filled with great information for Dom's as well sub's. Good luck

T

[Belatu]

That site was a big help, thanks alot! I still am having a few problems with guilt, but hopefully we can deal with that over time with communication.

[slavelucy]

Wow, yeah, love and BDSM is such a tricky concept. i've thought about that a lot in the past. Someone i recently told about my predilections asked (roughly) how any of us could believe that someone who would control them, own them, speak roughly (at times) to them and even hurt them...could ever love them. i have attempted to intellectualize the point for so long and so hard, but never really getting anywhere. In the end, i said i felt more loved and even..highly prized (yikes) as a sub than in any other capacity...to be loved for who i am and what i need DS wise. Having said that, that's not to say i can't also be loved for all the many other things i am, being M/s doesn't preclude you from still loving lots of other things about someone. In the end, i know this sounds irritatingly simple...but it's just a different kind of love, but it doesn't mean it's any less pure or doesn't inherantly contain all other kinds of love within it, i just believe that if anything, it's intensified by feelings of protection, ownership, a desire to please (on either side, actually) and giving someone what they really need..and far from taking anything away from it, it only serves to add to it.

As for guilt, all i'd say is this - firstly, everything i just said above and accepting that it's a different but no less important kind of love should go some way to helping, secondly, even being 24/7, doesn't, IMHO, prevent you from enjoying the other parts you enjoyed before (humour, fun, conversation etc).

Probably makes no sense, but that's my take on it all the same.

Hope it all goes well for you.

sl

[Belatu]

Thanks for the advice. . .It does make sense, I just need to realize that this is what she wants too. Guilt is more because I enjoy it and feel selfish, I just need to realize its not just for me. Sort of had an epiphany today. . .Thanks for the advice! Has helped alot.

On a slightly seperate note, if anyone has any ideas for creative punishments that are not too painful (her pain tolerance is VERY low at the moment), please let me know!

Thanks so much! This board has been a huge help

[Ruby]

Thought I'd jump in since I'm madly in love with my partner of 20+ years.
We don't have a 24/7 BDSM relationship, but when we "play" now that's another story.

When my husband and I play, sometimes pain can be a gift.
A little mind you, cause I'm not one for lots of pain, either.
But you've heard the expression - "It hurts so good."
Yeah, that kind of pain and everyone has their own threshold. There is a big difference between "slap and tickle" and "bruised and battered".
To each couple they find what they enjoy and want. One girl's bruise is another's proof of ownership.

Whether you turn your play into 24/7 or not, if you are finding yourself filled with guilt or your partner filled with fear, then neither of you will be satisfied and the relationship has gone past healthy. You are wise to be thinking about this and asking questions now.

That said, if you MUST punish her, because that is the role you two decide you want to have, then ask yourself are you punishing her for fun -
as in -- "You've been naughty slave."
"Yes, I have, Master, please, please show me the error of my ways."
Spank, spank, whip, whip, ending in lots of joy for both of you
or for real.
If then, please leave your anger out of the punishment. Time outs are good for both parties.

Communication is key.
What does she consider punishment and what play?
What about you?
Hard limits should stay hard.

Remember - not all punishments deal with pain nor should they.
If she likes pain, don't reward her with it.
If she doesn't like pain, you may not want to punish her with it, and slip into that cycle of guilt and fear.

Instead you can try other things:

1. Tie her up, tease her and leave her unsatisfied.
Just sitting next to her, watching her, and her knowing that she can't come for a certain period of time can be wicked.

2. No masterbating for a day, couple of days...

3. Taking away favorite toys, movies or privileges

4. Giving her too much pleasure...forced orgasms.

5. A few well placed clothespins - a few, not a hundred.

There's tons of ideas out there in stories, on other threads, etc.
More links to check out:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...sponsibilities -- Submissive vs Slave

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...sponsibilities -- Dom vs Master

http://www.cuffs.com/whippingposts.htm
Another site with excellent articles and stories.

http://www.cuffs.com/davealexus.htm
BDSM love stories by Master Dave and Alexux
-- Read them with your partner for inspiration

I wish you the best as you blossom and grow into your relationship.

[Belatu]

Thanks Ruby! Your suggestions and links have been a HUGE help!

[Ranai]

...it's just a different kind of love...

slavelucy's words made me think of this book

William Brame, Gloria Brame, Jon Jacobs: Different Loving. A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission.

It portrays various people who practise various BDSM activities and fetishes 'as they see themselves: loving and compassionate individuals'. Perhaps it would be an interesting read for you & Slave Violet.

Best wishes

[Ruby]

Thanks Ruby! Your suggestions and links have been a HUGE help!

You are most welcome. Thank you for bringing up this subject, it applies to so many of us. Please keep us posted on your progress and what you discover. I thought your ephany was a huge step!

Reading Slave Lucy's post reminded me of the many ways I find value in myself.
*** Thanks SL ***

[slavelucy]

Reading Slave Lucy's post reminded me of the many ways I find value in myself.
*** Thanks SL ***

*big smile* Aw, that's nice, to have said anything to remind someone of their value, cool.

sl x

[Dr Mabeuse]

This thread reminds me of something I've wondered about, and that's how you reconcile your desire to have her as your lover and companion with your desire to have her as your slave.

Most of my BDSM activity is confied to the bedroom, or at least done in privacy. Other times I want her to be my equal. I want someone I can talk to and share things with. How do you do this in the context of a 24/7 relationship?

---dr.M.

[Belatu]

This thread reminds me of something I've wondered about, and that's how you reconcile your desire to have her as your lover and companion with your desire to have her as your slave.

Most of my BDSM activity is confied to the bedroom, or at least done in privacy. Other times I want her to be my equal. I want someone I can talk to and share things with. How do you do this in the context of a 24/7 relationship?

---dr.M.

For the most part, she is allowed more of an equal status, we talk like we are lovers, but if we disagree for instance the discussion only goes on for so long. Or if I have an order, like to clean a mess we made, then she does it. But things like sitting on the floor, referring to herself in the third person, and other things I have read about on this site and others, that are basically used to make her feel less then me, are really only enforced in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom she is always working to please me, but we talk and cuddle as equals.

[magicgrl]

<snip>
and/or how do deal with any guilt I might feel after for hurting the woman I love. Even though I know she wants to be disciplined and taught how to be a good slave, I am afraid of becoming abusive towards. . .How do you know when you have crossed the line? [/FONT][/SIZE][/QUOTE]

This is a fairly common issue that many Dominanats have. From the submissive side of the fence maybe i can give you perspective that will help the guilt. We don't feel hurt when we are punished-- we feel loved, cared for, paid attention to. It helps center and focus us. We want to serve and when we fall short of expectations *we* have guilt. Part of atonement for us is getting punished--the incident is over and the relationship moves on.

Hope that helps some..
*~magic~*

[Barton]

Kats and I have been married for some time. We have a very loving relationship. I can understand that sometimes it can be hard to reconcile BDSM with love and caring, but you must remember that you are sharing each others deepest wants and needs. What could be better!

Putting aside the sadist and their opposite, another person must feel very comforatable with you to share such a desire. This speaks of a very good relationship.

Barton