Does It Hurt?

[sipgirl]

Im no expert, but just my 2 cents. As a sub I love saying no in a playful, whining, pleading sort of way. So, saying, "no" as a means to an end just wouldnt work for us..to each their own. I do recommend a safeword or as someone else stated some other form of a surefire escape....dropping an object, a hand signal..something.
My only other advice would be this...dont rush and if you decide this is something you would like to delve further into, do so slowly at a comfortable pace. I found myself head over heels fullspeed ahead in the beginning and in rushing to learn or please you lose much of what is important. Good luck in whatever you decide!

[John56{vg}]

sipgirl,

probably the MOST expert, caring and wise words spoken in this thread. Words to heed and live by.


John

[thrall]

Hi Honey

Listen to them all.........they are giving you sage advice, and if you have quetions.........ask.

[caligirl{Rob}]

hugs and welcome Ashley...and have to agree you are adorable.

Questions are wonderful, and a sure sign that you are wise in your journey. i have had several "bad" experiences with dominant personalities...not true Doms, and i have had good and bad experiences with "online" D/s relationships...what i have now is a true Dom, as i know and feel by His actions, His words, His entire being is that i am His and therefore when at my most vulnerable He is completely aware, in control, responsible for what He cares most for in the world, there is continual communication, even at times if it is unspoken i see Him watching. When He is binding or restraining me He is always testing, asking, communicating what He is doing. In session we use yellow and red, i have at times said no, ow, and He will remind me what i need to say, it gives me the chance to evaluate, and on rare occasion i have said yellow, which for us is an immediate stop to see how all stands. The complete openness of communication has allowed me to follow my desire, explore and let myself discover what i long for, as i know that i can always slow it down or stop if it becomes too much. This knowledge and complete confidence in Him has allowed me to push past soft limits to bliss. He has brought me to that deep sub space and He is at those times completely aware of ALL of me...

so my advice to you is to continue as you are....learn ask discuss...of others and of yourself...warm hugs and wishing you much fun and happiness on your journey...your curiousity and openness to ask questions means you are on the right path!

hugs!
cali

[slave eswn]

of course it can hurt. but that's the point most of the time isn't it? making you uncomfortable is what your Master is looking to do...but it sure is fun...hehehe

[neitsyst2]

May I suggest this...I'm VERY new myself, but because of my profession I find that I often get lost in the voice of the dominant. It is really helpful for me to try a positive word to see if I will be able to remember it when I need it.

For example, saying edge...when I am right on the edge... (gives credit to someone else for this difficult but useful tactic with a smile and nod.) Being an intelligent woman I thought "how hard can that be?" When I needed it...I was racking my brain thinking what is that damn word!!!! I finally said "the word the word" lolol!

I can totally see where you might, if in sub space (though I haven't experienced it) feel the same, or even just simply forget to use your word. I don't plan to be in a place that I would consider sub space until I can trust my dominant to be able to tell the difference both with, and for me. I recognize that everyone is different, and that over time and with practice of a word I may learn it much better and have better control of its use. I just don't intend to rely only on the use of a single word for my safety. I plan to have one, I plan to know it...but I intend to PLAN for safety as well.

For me that means taking time...not a week, not a few weeks, a LOT of weeks, months, etc. to get to know someone so that we can understand each other before meeting. And even in an o/l only relationship, I know that I want to be able to feel as comfortable as I would in r/l. For that reason I like to spend time talking about things OTHER than bdsm.

Certainly all of the things said above are true as well, and I wouldn't enter into a relationship without knowing them, looking through a list with a dom, starting slowly...and I wouldn't even be thinking about a collar yet sweetie...start thinking about the person.

Just my advice, take it, leave it, use what you can! I never knew what might help me, and I thought maybe my experience would shed some light for you.

Best wishes and enjoy your search.
Nei

[subserviant]

i dont like to bound when my Mistress tells me to stay in a certian position i will obey her and the same fr the gag .when she threatens to gag me it adds to excitment but she never does as she wants me to aswnser any questions that she might ask me. if i want ot be* punished* in the extreme i will disobey her when toldto, say for instance if told to stand in the corner i might defy her and pay the price

[seekingsusie]

I think whatever you are doing, start slow and really think about how it makes you feel.
Aussiegirl

Oh, yes. That's the key to plumbing the depths of this experience, isn't it?

[Sir_Russell]

i dont like to bound when my Mistress tells me to stay in a certian position i will obey her and the same fr the gag .when she threatens to gag me it adds to excitment but she never does as she wants me to aswnser any questions that she might ask me. if i want ot be* punished* in the extreme i will disobey her when toldto, say for instance if told to stand in the corner i might defy her and pay the price

I laugh at the term "pay the price". Be very glad I am not your Dominant because when you act out like that to get what you want you would be very unhappy. You aren't being punished for your action you are being rewarded.

If you need heavy pain then that is play, by the way the Play Punishment is a term I also find ludicrous, and should be administered to you on a regular basis as part of your play and as a reward.

What you are saying is that you are topping her from the bottom and that really your in control. She actually dances to your tune. Is making your Dominant really just be a posing top what you really want?

[DowntownAmber]

I can totally see where you might, if in sub space (though I haven't experienced it) feel the same, or even just simply forget to use your word. I don't plan to be in a place that I would consider sub space until I can trust my dominant to be able to tell the difference both with, and for me. I recognize that everyone is different, and that over time and with practice of a word I may learn it much better and have better control of its use. I just don't intend to rely only on the use of a single word for my safety. I plan to have one, I plan to know it...but I intend to PLAN for safety as well.

*nods* I can't imagine going into play without a safe word, but there are times when, yes, you're going to forget it and times when (and this is the REALLY dangerous part) you simply don't realize you need to use it. "Subspace" is a tricky place to be - extreme things feel deceptively sublime and your Dom better as Hell be watching out for you.

During one session J had me on a collar and leash, and the leash was clipped to a hook somewhere up above my head. It was a GOOD session: I was so into it and so overwhelmed by what I was feeling that I never bothered to notice I was straining against the collar hard enough that I was choking myself out. It NEVER occured to me to use a safeword: I would have leaned into that collar until I passed out, quite frankly, or hurt myself some other way in the process. It felt THAT good. Master, however, was paying attention and picked me up and unclipped the leash and worked me back down from the place I had gone to in my head.

Crisis averted, but in a worst case scanario there's no substitute for a "first aid" safety plan as well.

[Sir_Russell]

amber
you said what I have been saying for so long the Dom must be aware and not depend on the safe word. I have made that mistake a time or two myself and now I know that I have the power to take her where she won't use the safe word because she is too far gone to know she needs to.

Can't stress enough how that has to the Dom's responsibility and duty to know when things have gone very good but very wrong.

I also preach plan not just the session but the emergency possibility so that when things go wrong you can get her ass out of trouble or begin immediate treatment.

[sub84]

thanks for all the replies... and i dont have a dom yet, im still trying to learn wether its for me or not. but it does sound intresting, but the first thign i probably gotta do is find a dom LOL

im very new to this life too i have only experimented with mild bondage so far. i dont have much advice to give as i dont have much more experience than you do, but i will say be careful in choosing your dom. try to find someone with experience i tried with my previous bf and found that he didnt have enough self control to tune into me and know if it was going too far.

[icey]

there's been some good advice on this thread and im solidly with Sir_Russell regarding his feelings on safewords but im surprised that so far almost everyone has said bondage doesnt hurt!

it shouldnt and generally doesnt but as with anything things can and do go wrong on occasions and especially for someone new its important to keep that in mind.

all it takes is for a slight misjudgement of tightness either too tight or too loose (too loose will work the rope around) a knot or the tie in the wrong place over a nerve,ligaments for example,preferably you need to have some knowledge of the anatomy beforehand.
and no matter what the tie,where the tie or even how tight the tie there is a real risk of nerve damage.

even such things as tiredness can affect how your body will react,ive been in complicated ties for lengths of time often longer than the usual 'recommended' timespan and spaced out to the eyeballs and as snug as a swaddled baby (rope subs will know what i mean by that *g*) but ive also on a rare occasion or two been in basic ties and begun to ache fairly quickly.

i know a very experienced and good rigger and he would be the first to tell you never for one minute make the mistake of believing bondage to be safe or pain free.

bondage is actually one of the most dangerous activities in bdsm,remember that originally bondage was designed for the capture and torture of prisoners in japan and while it has been adapted over the years particularly in the western world the principles and most basic ties are still the same.

its the best thing the japanese ever invented