How to Speak Canadian

[BDSM_Tourguide]

The Canadian language, with all its intricacies and nuance, has often eluded the comrehension of people from America, or "South of the Border" as Canadians like to say. Possible exceptions to this lack of comprehension do exist, however; mainly in the states of Minnesota and North Dakota, which are essentially just parts of South Canada anyway. This resource should be used by those living in the "Lower 48" and Hawaii to better understand the vast web of intricacy that is the Canadian Language.

Of course, there are rules that every traveller to Canada must know before attempting to speak Canadian. These rules are as follows:

Rule Number One: The Most Important Rule to Know While Visiting Canada! - Not all Canadians speak French! This is a heinous myth propogated by the Americans and the Canadian Tourism Board. The Americans help to propogate this vicious rumor, because for some reason, the French are viewed as a culturally significant society, and Canadians are viewed as a bunch of backwater people, somewhat akin to the Rednecks of the American South. The Canadian Tourism Board propogates this rumor in hopes to attract more French people to Quebec in an effort to one day actually pass the Seperation Referrendum. It is important to know that the Canadian Tourism Board is run by French-Canadians out of a multi-million dollar state-of-the-art facility in Montreal that somewhat resembles NORAD in its size and sophistication.

When visiting any part of Canada, other than the province of Quebec or western Ontario (affectionately known by Canadians as "East Quebec"), it is important to remember that these people DO NOT speak French. Not only that, but they don't like the French much either. And while Canadians are far too polite to become violent to a tourist with American dollars in his pocket, Canadian business owners are shrewd enough to raise their prices an extra 50% and blame it on "conversion rates" to those tourists that are ignorant enough to attempt to speak French outside of the "French Zone."

Rule Number Two: Canadians do say "eh," but you shouldn't. Yes, Canadians are a polite people, and usually quite friendly. Except in Quebec and Ontario. However, even the friendliest of Canadians will not stand for listening to Americans saying "eh" after each sentence. This practice by American tourists could lead to such harsh and aggressive actions from their Canadian hosts like stern stares, talking about the Americans behind their backs, and more price increases at local shops.

Rule Number Three: Canadians are polite and peaceful people. Typical American practices like honking the car horn, flipping the middle finger in traffic, shouting, rushing from one point to another, anger management, and worrying about terrorist activities on home soil are unknown to Canadians. These typically-American practices should be left at the border when the American crosses into Canada, as these practices are likely to frighten and disorient many Canadians. Canadians are unused to violence and anger, and to actually experience it firsthand is somewhat traumatic.

Rule Number Four: Canadians are a polite and peaceful people, except when it comes to Canadian beer. Every Canadian worldwide knows that there is no better beer anywhere in the world than in Canada. Beer in Canada is a patriotic expression of Canadian-ness. The largest Canadian bottling company's slogan is "I am Canadian." No American beer or product can claim that level of patriotism, and Americans visiting Canada would do well to remember that.

Some of the largest, longest and fiercest bar room brawls occuring on Canadian soil have started after some foolish American tourist uttered the infamous words, "Canadian beer sucks!" To Canadians, that is similar to saying "Football is stupid" in America. Who can forget the unpleasantness of the 1989 Calgary Flames Stanley Cup parade in Calgary? A huge brawl erupted in the streets, killing 20 and injuring 200 more. When questioned by police, Canadian witnesses said, "It all started when some American guy said Canadian beer sucked."* It is unintentional, but typical, belligerence like that which will spark the most polite and peace-loving of Canadians to violence.

Rule Number Five: Canadians are a polite and peacful people, except during hockey season. American's are strongly urged to stay OUT of Canada during hockey season. For the 95% of Americans that don't know when hockey season is, it is any point in time from August to May of the following year. For the 90% of Americans who don't know what hockey is, it's the greatest sport in the world, and saying any differently is dangerous in Canada. Therefore, American tourists should only travel to Canada in the months of June and July. Any American tourist in Canada during the dangerous hockey times should avoid bars, pubs, sports facilities, and some restaurants and lounges to prevent unwittingly causing violence and unnecessary bloodshed.

It is important to note, however, that hockey season doesn't actually start until October and it ends in April, but the months before hockey are tense months in Canada, filled with speculations of trades and debate about which Canadian team is going to with "The Cup" this year. Every Canadian knows what "The Cup" is; anyone that asks a Canadian "What is The Cup?" is obviously an American tourist. And, yes, only American tourists don't know what "The Cup" is, because even Europeans and Russians know what it is. Except the British; they are about as clueless about hockey as Americans are. Fortunately, they have that funny accent, so that gives them away instantly and forgives their ignorance.

If any American should find himself in a Canadian pub during hockey season, they are strongly encouraged not to ask why the men in ice skates are beating one another into bloody pulps on the television. This is hockey, and any accidental remarks about how it "doesn't make any sense" or "how do you see the puck" or even "what a silly sport; there's not even a ball involved" are likely to lead to violence and unpleasantness.

Rule Number Six: Canadians are a very politically-motivated people. Canadians are pretty much anti-everything, down the the individual. Canadians are anti-war, anti-abortion, and anti-death penalty. In Quebec, the French-Canadians are anti-American as well; but in the rest of Canada, Canadians are almost unilaterally anti-French, so it all works out. However, Canadians are also pretty much for everything, down to the individual. Canadians are for the legalization of marijuana, for the legalization of same-sex marriage, and for nudity on national television. An easy way for an American tourist to remember how to speak to a Canadian without offending it for the American to remember that anything the Americans are for the Canadians are anti-, and vice-versa. A person will immediately be branded a tourist and an outsider if that person makes a comment like "Why didn't they just execute that guy that had 39 dead hookers buried under his farm?" That kind of question is just not acceptable in Canada. Everyone in Canada has the right to life, even the people that probably should be dragged into the street and shot.


Hopefully, these rules will help American tourists to have a more pleasant, more peaceful time when visiting Canada.

* Event may not have actually occurred, but since only 10 Americans alive were watching hockey in 1984, who's going to know?

[Barton]

I was indeed one of those ten Americans TG. The carmage was terrible, I believe that you may have gotten the number of dead wrong as I believe that it was in the thousands. Not to mention the ensuing invasion of Minnesota by Canada. Which, by the way, was only stopped by the United States agreeing to import more Molsons.

[Xelebes]

Eed sujest yuh chianj dat 1984 wid uh 1989.

[Barton]

You are quite right. 1984 was not the year, my Islanders beat Edmonton that year. Good catch.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Eed sujest yuh chianj dat 1984 wid uh 1989.

Fixed it, eh.

[Xelebes]

Thank yuh.

[Microwave0ven]

Awesome guide to speakin' canadian, eh?

I think the Molson Canadian commercial some time ago says it best:

Hey,
I'm not a lumber jack, or a fur trader.
I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dog sled.
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzie from Canada. Although I'm sure certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it "about", not "aboot".
I can proudly sew my countries flag on my back pack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing.
Diversity! Not assimilation.
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal!
A toque is hat.
A chesterfield is a couch.
And it is pronounced "Zed"! Not "Zee", "Zed"!
Canada is the second largest land mass,
the first nation of hockey,
and the best part of North America.
My name is Joe!
And I am Canadian!

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Awesome guide to speakin' canadian, eh?

I think the Molson Canadian commercial some time ago says it best:

Yep. That was actually made popular by the Canadian band Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie.

I've got the CD.

[Xelebes]

Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie = the best act Edmonton has ever produced.

[Microwave0ven]

those guys are great! As well as Arrogant Worms.. I keep their songs together in my "Canadian Comedy" section

[BDSM_Tourguide]

those guys are great! As well as Arrogant Worms.. I keep their songs together in my "Canadian Comedy" section

Same band. LOL

[Microwave0ven]

name change? That would explain why some of their songs are listed under both "three dead trolls in a baggie" and "arrogant worms"

though the name is just as odd if they had a name change.. heh

learn somethin new every day! cool!

[Aeneas]

My first visit to Canada was in 1957 (I was 12). In Toronto I remember two very attractive teenage girls boarding a streetcar I was riding with a beaver (the kind with a flat tail) on a leash. I remember asking them if I could pet their beaver. Ah, the innoncence of youth!
A few years later I visited Quebec City and was awed at the historic city. Having just studied the French & Indian War, as the Seven Years War is known in the States, I was amazed at the cliffs and the Plains of Abraham where one of ancestors fought to make Canada British.
In the devastating year of 1968, a friend and myself sat staring across the river from Detroit at a huge neon sign that said "Come to Canada! Friendly, Foreign, and Near." Many Americans of draft age were doing that. My VW had just seized and my friend and I had something like $1.95 between us. Believe me, we gave it some thought. I have often wondered...
During our centennial year of 1976 I fulfilled a lifelong ambition and took VIA from Montreal, to Toronto, and all the way to Vancouver. Among my many pervasions, I love railroading. When I was in Montreal, I blundered into a (largely American) Shriners convetion. Not a whole helluva lot of Shriners in Catholic Montreal. Hundreds of Montreal's citizens, enjoying the wonderful summer evening, were treated to drunk Americans in funny red hats, waving bottles of booze and yelling across the streets to each other, "Hey, Frank, look at all the f**king Frogs!' Merde!
I loved the trains. I got to meet Canadians from all over and see the country roll past my bedroom window seemingly forever. The second night out a wash out stopped the train in Nakina, Ontario in the middle of the night. Ever resourceful, the town's 3 school buses were mobilized to tarnsport 20 carloads of passengers from the westbound train to the eastbound train. By the way, did they ever get that crater in the main street repaired? It doesn't get much better than riding in a full length dome car, rolling through Jasper National Park in the Rocky Mountains sipping a Molson's. On this trip I heard two Canadian journalists (one French one English) discussing Canada's potential. "One would hope we would have British government, French culture, and American know-how. Unfortunately, sometimes we seem to have British Know-How, French government, and American culture."
In 1776, the American Revolution almost took Quebec City, and with it Canada. Benedict Arnold and Richard Montgomery attacked on New Years Eve during a blizzard and almost pulled it off. A single cannon blast killed Montgomery, stopping his column and making Arnolds attack fail.
Our two countries both have multi-racial and multi-cultural peoples. Our histories have been radically different. When the last page is written, who will be seen as having taken the better course?

[Xelebes]

name change? That would explain why some of their songs are listed under both "three dead trolls in a baggie" and "arrogant worms"

though the name is just as odd if they had a name change.. heh

learn somethin new every day! cool!

Many artists and bands have aliases. For example, Alec Empire went on to create many names for his music for many labels that he produced, including Atari Teenage Riot being the most notable of his aliases.

[truckinnhorsin]

haha thats awesome! its more how to travel in canada than speak canadian though....

i could bring up a whole bunch of cute stories of my own... but i think i'll just sit back and read everyone else's lol.


Teni

[Ranai]

Well, I'm waiting for the BDSM Library Story Challenge daring authors to include an assortment of Canadian geographical names, such as...

Blow Me Down, Climax, Come By Chance, Cupids, Dildo, Entrance, Fanny Bay, Five Fingers, Hearts Content, Pain Court, Prince Albert, Rosebud, Sucker Creek and Tickle Cove.

i could bring up a whole bunch of cute stories of my own...

Please Teni, tell us.
(...or no oats in the stall!)

[Nightstriker]

That was freaking great TG though I must say that I have never actually heard someone refer to western Ontario as Eaastern Quebec...and I live here. I have also lived in the great plains of Saskatchewan.

[truckinnhorsin]

aww come now, you wouldn't deprive me of my oats??


haha.. anyways... most of them aren't completely relevant, just that i'm up there almost every weekend...

I'm suprised TG didnt put anything in about the speed limit. You see, it SAYS 100kph (60mph) ... but thats really the MINIMUM. you go under than that, and you get run over. :-D ... and thats in the slow lane. lol.

And the reason American's can't say "Eh" after every sentence, is because its not after every sentence, its mainly after questions.. and then precisely every other. lol.

Also forgot the "Timmy Ho's" obsession. At least in ontario anyways... its as bad as the hockey thing. Everyone knows where the nearest one is, the short hand for ordering coffee from there precisely how they like it, and you don't dare go any where but "Timmy Ho's" for coffee. It's also a place to hang out for HOURS on end. The only other place anywhere near acceptable for coffee is donut's diner.

Teni

[vistana]

Well, I'm waiting for the BDSM Library Story Challenge daring authors to include an assortment of Canadian geographical names, such as...

Blow Me Down, Climax, Come By Chance, Cupids, Dildo, Entrance, Fanny Bay, Five Fingers, Hearts Content, Pain Court, Prince Albert, Rosebud, Sucker Creek and Tickle Cove.

Please Teni, tell us.
(...or no oats in the stall!)

A family I know traveled to the Maritimes, took a picture of all their kids under the 'Welcome to Dildo' town sign, then used that picture in their Christmas cards that year.

[Aeneas]

There is a state park in Northern Kentucky that is called, I kid you not, "Big Bone Lick". The lick refers to a salt lick, and I suppose someone found a big bone there.

In Indiana there is a resort called "French Lick". I have seen bumper stickers saying "French Lick isn't as interesting as it sounds."

[Barton]

Intercourse and blueballs are towns in Pa. in the US.

They are both located in Amish country, who would've thought.

[Xelebes]

Derr isunt much toggin in Canaidyan hyear.

[chromedome11]

I have also lived in the great plains of Saskatchewan.

Did you know that Saskatchewan comes from an old Indian word meaning "Land where no man can leap to his death"?

[Dngnkeeper]

A family I know traveled to the Maritimes, took a picture of all their kids under the 'Welcome to Dildo' town sign, then used that picture in their Christmas cards that year.

I wonder if they mailed them from Christmas Florida :question:

[Langewappe]

My first visit to Canada was in the early 70's. My first destination was Montreal... Being a polite kind of guy, being a guest in the country and having spent many hours learning French in school, I ordered lunch in what I thought was the local language. The waitress said something I did not understand. When I said 'Pardon?" she switched to English and told me about the day's special.

The same thing happened when I checked in at the hotel. So much for my thinking I had achieved "near native fluency" in French. Fortunately, I had no trouble understanding the evening news on TV. Neither was it difficult conversing with the young lady who waited on me at dinner time. It turned out she had arrived less than a year earlier... from Reims. I concluded it was not the French I spoke that was bad. And the people in Ontario had no problems with my Mid-Western Amercican either.

[vistana]

My first visit to Canada was in the early 70's. My first destination was Montreal... Being a polite kind of guy, being a guest in the country and having spent many hours learning French in school, I ordered lunch in what I thought was the local language. The waitress said something I did not understand. When I said 'Pardon?" she switched to English and told me about the day's special.

The same thing happened when I checked in at the hotel. So much for my thinking I had achieved "near native fluency" in French. Fortunately, I had no trouble understanding the evening news on TV. Neither was it difficult conversing with the young lady who waited on me at dinner time. It turned out she had arrived less than a year earlier... from Reims. I concluded it was not the French I spoke that was bad. And the people in Ontario had no problems with my Mid-Western Amercican either.

Quebec french is very different from the french that anyone else speaks, either what gets taught in school, or is spoken in any other country, or other parts of Canada for that matter. I think New Brunswick also does a fair bit to make their french incomprehensible to someone who doesn't live there.

[chromedome11]

We were taught Parisien French in school. Although written French is the same around the world, spoken is not. Quebecois has a harsher sound, and is more clipped ("pas de" is always pronounced "pawd"). You need to live in Quebec for a while to be able to understand their French.

It's also a cultural thing. Quebecers say "my English is better than your French, so we'll speak English". In France, they're quite happy to put up with broken French because at least you're making the attempt.

The great thing about having French as your first language is that English spoken with a French accent is pleasant to the ears. French spoken with an English accent is not.

[Aeneas]

One of the most profound films on the subject of the life of Jesus Christ was a delightful French-Canadian production called "Jesus of Montreal". It is in French with English subtitles for the most part except when they are speaking English to someone. With the rerelease of Mel Gibson's extravganza, anyone interested in the subject REALLY needs to track this film down.
The short synopsis is of a starving and almost unknown young French Canadian actor who is hired by the priest in charge of the bascillica on top of Mt Royale to revamp their yearly passion play. Does he ever. He goes back to the sources, ancient and modern, and takes a radical look at Jesus and his followers. His small troupe includes other equally starving or unknowns who are dubbing porno movies, being the mistress of thre priest, a top fashion model, and a cynical narator of the science documentary. As they prepare and present their very affecting play, things begin to happen to all of them that mimic the scriptures.
This movie is well worth the effort to find it.

[Langewappe]

[QUOTE=vistana]Quebec french is very different from the french that anyone else speaks, either what gets taught in school, or is spoken in any other country, or other parts of Canada for that matter.


That is interesting. Do they not use the translated English idioms in school either? Do they say "de rien" or "il n'y a pas de quoi" instead of 'bien venu"?

Thank you for the insight.

[vistana]

Quebec french is very different from the french that anyone else speaks, either what gets taught in school, or is spoken in any other country, or other parts of Canada for that matter.


That is interesting. Do they not use the translated English idioms in school either? Do they say "de rien" or "il n'y a pas de quoi" instead of 'bien venu"?

Thank you for the insight.

Well, it's been a couple years since I studied French, and I didn't go past grade 10, but I do know that they stuck to more traditional, France-french. Occasionaly we would be shown a news clip, or something of that sort from Quebec, and they were nigh on incomprehensible. Of course, that could also have been partially because of how fast they spoke