Advice please...

[l1zzy]

Hello. New around here...and to the entire thing in general. Not to the theory or the fantasy but it's the first time I've wandered into the great wide world to see what I could see. My entire purpose actually for finally doing some investigating about the rest of the world is that I'm in a bit of a pickle...and need some advice from those more experienced and wiser than I. I'm a control freak...quite a few hang ups about it in day to day life and being able to give all of it up in a bedroom setting is insanely liberating for me...in fact, I need it rather badly when the going gets rough in other areas of my life. However, I'm married...to a man who's just not got it in him to take control. He's just not made that way. Previously, when it all went down hill and I just needed it badly...he was able to unwittingly deliver because of various reasons that were unique to the time period. AKA, We were different people then. But now that we've been together for longer and I'm the driving force in most other areas of our lives...he's just insanely uncomfortable with the entire notion. It's beginning to eat at me inside though...and I'm completely at a loss on what to do. I can't figure out anything that would satisfy my needs but still be within his comfort zone, so I'm simply throwing myself on the mercy and wisdom of the internet. (I know, not exactly smart but I'm a little desperate for input here.) So, anyone been through this themselves? Anyone have any suggestions? Advice? Anything? Thanks in advance for your time and input.

[John56{vg}]

Lizzy, read Tessa's "MY Journey" Thread in the MY BDSM Life forum here. I think there are other's that will have insight for you as well.

I have found a lot of people expressing something similar in the forums. So good luck to you and I hope you find what you need.

Enjoy the forums,

John

[MitchC]

Lizzy, to me, it seems like you need to have an open discussion with him. Sit down, and talk, when you're not in "Sex" mode, or thought, and explain to him. If it were me, I would probably say something like: "As your wife, I need certain things from you. While I don't want to pressure you into doing something that would make you uncomfortable, as spouses, we need to air our wants and desires, and I need you to show me that you care for me, by giving in to my wants and needs too". It sounds to me that while your husband might not be good at taking control, he also isn't thinking of you. Someone I once knew, told me (In a male-female relationship) that for a union to be successful, both parties have to consider the other's needs first, before their own, and think about "What does my significant other/husband/wife, need from me to be happy, and what do they need to do to make me happy?" It sounds like a good concept.
I hope what I said has helped. I've read other situations on the net where one spouse has trouble understanding the other spouse's needs, and it was something that had to be worked out. I'm a believer that communication and compromise solves many things. Good Luck. I hope it works out for you.

Mitch

[Rhabbi]

Hello. New around here...and to the entire thing in general. Not to the theory or the fantasy but it's the first time I've wandered into the great wide world to see what I could see. My entire purpose actually for finally doing some investigating about the rest of the world is that I'm in a bit of a pickle...and need some advice from those more experienced and wiser than I. I'm a control freak...quite a few hang ups about it in day to day life and being able to give all of it up in a bedroom setting is insanely liberating for me...in fact, I need it rather badly when the going gets rough in other areas of my life. However, I'm married...to a man who's just not got it in him to take control. He's just not made that way. Previously, when it all went down hill and I just needed it badly...he was able to unwittingly deliver because of various reasons that were unique to the time period. AKA, We were different people then. But now that we've been together for longer and I'm the driving force in most other areas of our lives...he's just insanely uncomfortable with the entire notion. It's beginning to eat at me inside though...and I'm completely at a loss on what to do. I can't figure out anything that would satisfy my needs but still be within his comfort zone, so I'm simply throwing myself on the mercy and wisdom of the internet. (I know, not exactly smart but I'm a little desperate for input here.) So, anyone been through this themselves? Anyone have any suggestions? Advice? Anything? Thanks in advance for your time and input.

L1zzy,

I would point you toward the other subs here. there are a few who know exactly how you feel, Mishka is one of them. I know it may be hard for you to believe that you are the not the only sub married to a passive or even submissive man, but there are others.

What you have to decide is how you are going to handle it. There are options open to you, and you need to explore them and decide what is right for you.

[Mishka]

Tessa's thread is a great place to start.

I found a great deal of peace and acceptance along the road to working this through, and online has helped a great deal.

pm me if you like

[l1zzy]

Thanks to all y'all for your input. I truly appreciate it.

[Sir_Russell]

L1zzy
You might be surprised at how many control freaks want to be bottoms in the bedroom. I am not saying sub because I feel it is the wrong term since as you have said it is just in the bedroom.

That is hard for the man to understand sometimes that he needs to stay out of your way or face consequences out of the bedroom but to be in charge and creative in the bedroom.

I agree with everyone you must talk to him about this but you have to acknowledge that you want him to be a top in the bedroom to play the game you need. To strut like a rooster, to accept that you need to be at his mercy and feel that he is both forceful and masculine. You need to realize that your own actions have probably played a part in the problem.