My attraction to sadism

[scandalous pleasure]

I'm wondering if there are any other subs/masochists who feel the intense attraction to sadism and sadistic lovers/masters that I do. I've never really seen anything that exactly describes it the way that I feel it.

Let me explain: I'm not sure how much of a masochist I truly am. Sure, a great ass-warming spanking just plain feels delicious and nothing--bar nothing--makes me as wet as slow delicious intentsifying nipple torture. And I love love love the idea (and the reality the few times it has happened) of wearing the marks of a good beating. And I love the idea of enduring it, of being taken to the limit as a measure of sacrifice, love, submission--all that incredibly intoxicating stuff.

But if I allow myself to suspect for one minute that my partner isn't turned on by giving me pain it significantly diminishes my arousal. But this is different than just wanting to make your partner happy--which, of course, I want.

It's that I deeply desire the man I serve to be turned on by giving me pain, not just that he is enjoying it because it arouses me. I want to think he would enjoy it even if it DIDN'T arouse me.

I just love the idea of a man who is aroused by the pure and simple act of administering pain to a woman he is sexually attracted to. (In all the classic erotic ritualized controlled sm ways of course--spanking, beating, hot wax , nipple torture, etc. not by slamming doors on her fingers or stepping on her toes or anything that reeks of domestic violence.)

But, then again, I can't stand mysogynists. I want my sadists to really love and enjoy women. But the sadism doesn't mean anything to me if it is just his way of controlling her(me) or just something he does because she(I) really like it.

I think it has something to do with some kind of (probably warped and twisted) idea of masculinity. It's probably also the idea that his freedom to hurt her (me) is some kind of ultimate affirmation of ownership.

My husband is a sweet and gentle sort, but the sexiest thing he has ever said to me was when he told me that spanking me makes him hard. Of course, I think that may just be because doing it makes me wet, but I desperately want to think it goes deeper, that I am unlocking his secret sadist and that he will someday take me to new places of pain not because he thinks I like it but just because it turns him on.

Is this important to anyone else? Thoughts?

[MMark]

I know a few people who aren't able to play light. It does nothing for them, and if a dom would try light with no intention of going heavy, they'd use their safewords sooner than if they were in agony. (A little embellishment for the boards)
SM isn't listed as one of my main interests at this time. It may be as I learn more about the Life and continue to experiment (in safe, controlled environments, before the SSC hard-liners jump on me). I think that, for the most part, It's probably a lot of residue from society's stigmas, but I sort of see the physical aspects as being more animalistic, for lower intelligence beings. On a basic level, it doesn't take all that much to "beat somebody into submission." I have a lot more fun talking, learning about a girl until she submits of her own free will. (No, not saying I don't understand SM in a BDSM context is consensual, I'm just waiting for my brain to rewire itself.)
Not to say that I haven't considered it as a form of punishment, but at the moment anything further than a light paddling would only be done at the sub's request--yes, I'd do it for her pleasure alone, but also to find out whether it is something that I might enjoy, since I have not had the opportunity yet.

[allalone46]

This isn't about beating someone into submition. It is about pain, and pleasure. And no it is not anmalistic. Animals don't do to one an other what people do. When a animal dose it it is for food or maiting (breeding).And you think people are ruff. But when people are hard or what we do it is not for maiting (breeding), it isfor sex.

[Ruby]

Wow! This is an excellent essay and you've summed up your desires very well. I am very attracted to sadistic lovers and often write about them.

In real life, I want something a bit different than you describe below.

It's that I deeply desire the man I serve to be turned on by giving me pain, not just that he is enjoying it because it arouses me. I want to think he would enjoy it even if it DIDN'T arouse me.

My lifemate isn't into S&M, though he is into dominating me when we play. If he's getting rough and I'm getting aroused, we both win. If he's spanking me with the riding crop or flogger and I'm loving every minute, hey, great stuff.

However, if he is/was getting off on my being in pain and I'm not, I'd have a problem with that. In my mind, that response from him would lead towards abuse. I want a lover who's more "into me" than "into causing me pain".

Who else has thought about this? Do tell. Inquiring minds want to know.

[perpetrator]

However, if he is/was getting off on my being in pain and I'm not, I'd have a problem with that. In my mind, that response from him would lead towards abuse. I want a lover who's more "into me" than "into causing me pain".

i second that, and actually i don't think the original poster disagrees, either.

but a dom that is solely into causing pain because somebody else wants him to isn't really a dom, can't function in that role. the whole point is for me to feel dominated, have someone else take control of me and the situation - and that completely goes lost if i am the only person actively willing the scenario forward.

[scandalous pleasure]

Thanks, Ruby, for the kind words.

You and Perpetrator are both sort of right about me. . .I agree with you about abuse, Ruby, I wouldn't want to be beaten unless I was actually enjoying it in some way. . .But the enjoyment isn't necessarily *physical.*

I can experience the physical sensations as unpleasant or uncomfortable but still crave them, not because I think I deserve punishment but because I get off so completely on the idea that a man is becoming aroused by giving me pain. . . I would, of course, want him to stop if I asked him to--that's where the abuse avoidance comes in--but I want him to be intensely turned-on by the actual act and I want his arousal to not be dependent on mine: in other words, if he does it just because I asked nicely, then we'll still probably have fun, but it won't be that intense high that I crave. (And he can't be turned on by just hurting anyone, or hurting all women, it needs to be a woman he desires. . .)

Are there any other subs out there who feel this way?

And what about the doms/sadists out there, male or female? Do you get off on inflicting pain only if your sub enjoys the physical sensation of a good beating? Or is this kink something separate and apart from the sub's physical pleasure?

And, I'm specifically interested in het male doms/sadists who are NOT misogynists: what is it, if anything, about giving pain to your sub/lover and watching her receive it that turns you on?

-SP

[MMark]

This isn't about beating someone into submition. It is about pain, and pleasure. And no it is not anmalistic. Animals don't do to one an other what people do. When a animal dose it it is for food or maiting (breeding).And you think people are ruff. But when people are hard or what we do it is not for maiting (breeding), it isfor sex.

I said those are my current feelings about it, and I'm in the process of rewiring my brain to conform to the Life as opposed to the Vanilla world. Currently, the phrase your kink isn't my kink, but your kink is okay would apply.

but a dom that is solely into causing pain because somebody else wants him to isn't really a dom, can't function in that role.

The dom wouldn't be a sadist by any stretch of the imagination. But I will stand and argue that just because one isn't into giving pain doesn't mean they're any less dom. See above.

Respectully submitted,
Mark

[allalone46]

You can't rewire yourself. You are already wired that way or your not. If you are alreay drown to it than you may already be there. But you can learn to be a safe sadist. And that is were you need to learn. Wpping and beating and lashing are thing but to do so for plesure both to give and recieve is an other.As a sadist it is a atomatic tendense to take a slave all theway. but for the plesure for both and that is to be for plesure you can't go al the way. You have to learn control and restraint. You have to always remember thatyou can go futher than her body can take. Her mind on the other hand may ant you to futher, but the slaves body and health are the limiting factor. You can never do anything that will permantly harm or damage your slave. Remember this is for pleaure not just sex.

[perpetrator]

Are there any other subs out there who feel this way?

hey, that's me on the spot.

The dom wouldn't be a sadist by any stretch of the imagination. But I will stand and argue that just because one isn't into giving pain doesn't mean they're any less dom. See above.

sloppy writing there, i meant domination in general, not just causing pain. not that big of a painslut myself.

[Misanthrope]

Wow Scandolous! I just finished reading your anal thread, and thought I'd check this out. Another thread close to my heart.

I agree that knowing the other person is enjoying wielding the crop/cat-o-nine, makes it better for me. But I would enjoy it even if they were just doing it because they knew I liked it. I am quite the pain-slut, a fact that certain people around here can attest to.

I am incredibly lucky. Sweet Tiger is willing to push me, but will hold back if I need her too, and after a scene, she is so tender and kind. And praise from her about how I did means the world to me. And, on the flip side, the punishments she chooses if I don't do well are pretty good too.

[Sweet Tiger]

Being mainly a Domme, more on the sadist side, I have to say that I enjoy causing people pain; it gives me this cheeky little smile and rush to do it - whether someone wanted me too or not However, when doing that in a relationship I would need to know that the other person also enjoys being caused pain, it increases my pleasure from it and stops me from feeling guilty (slightly selfish reason, but I'm not totally evil!) It's great to do things which you have both discussed and to hear them moan as you whip them or push them further, but it's also a great releif to know that if you do go too far that they are able to tell you to cool down or stop if you have gone too far. Sometimes the fact that they haven't told you to calm down or stop can push you further as well and everyone developes in the relationship.

As a switch I also like to be whipped or beaten on occasion and if this was been done by someone just because I asked them too and they got no pleasure from it (my Domme side apart, since it is another form of domination making someone do something there not totally comfortable with and pushing their limits) I would end up feeling guilty. However if someome was beating me solely because they got off on it and didn't really notice whether I was or not, firstly I don't think Iwould feel very safe and would avoid that kind of situation and secondly I would feel completely used.

OK not sure if that was of any use or made sense, but I hope my opinions helped a little bit!

[Sam'sJasmine]

I have thought of this a lot.

There is this part of me that wants to be completely controlled by his whims. To be commanded to crawl across a room, to be bent over, whipped, ordered not to make a sound, and don’t move. Sometimes for me it isn’t even about orgasms, its sexual, yes, but there is just that desire for him to let go and bring that evil side of himself out. I imagine his being only interested in satisfying his sadistic desire to use me, hurt me, and humiliate me.

He on the other hand wants me to beg to be beaten or fucked. He wants the pain slut. He gets very turned on when I am that wild slut, begging for more. He relaxes and doesn’t worry as much about where my head is, because he hears it in my moans and plea’s. I found that his desire is increased by my getting more turned on. I get many harder and longer whippings when I beg and moan.

When I am being quiet or “passive” he watches me much closer to make sure I am in the right space. So he lets his Dom/ Sadistic side out to play when he knows I am an active participant, but is more reserved when he isn’t sure where my head is.

The partner wielding the whip has to break many more of society's barriers to enjoy his kink than the partner getting the licks does. The subs verbalizing their desire, being a more active participant gives the Dom the feedback that allows them to continue on.

This is just how our relationship works, I am sure there are many out there that do things differently. I am just using our lives as an example. Some people don’t allow limits, or safewords. But IMO there needs to be a caring and concern for the other person's well-being and needs.